Why Can't God Just Email???

I am so torn on what to do about foster care, adopting, remaining Single Cat Lady, etc.  I find myself praying a lot these days.  I'm just having a really hard time understanding what the heck God is telling me to do!  Do I listen to the pull in my heart or the voice of reasoning in my head?  Seriously!!!  Why can't God just email?!?  It would make this much, much easier!

The OCD, highlighter-loving, list-making, rationally-thinking woman in me tells me to do a list of pros and cons of all of my options.  Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be working out very well for me.  When I find myself thinking of individual pros and cons, they each seem SO BIG that I want to base my decision off of the reaction that I'm having to that one thing! 

When I think of going back to fostering, my brain screams, "HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FREAKING MIND?!?  Are you taking your meds?  Is Bipolar Girl rearing her ugly head again?"  I was a physically and emotionally exhausted, nervous wreck!  I had a dozen different people and organizations telling me what to do on a daily basis.  I was treated like the hired help and had absolutely no rights when it came to protecting my kids.  When I really sit down and think about doing it again, my heart starts racing and I feel like I'm on the verge of an anxiety attack! 

On the other hand, I can feel my heart pulling me harder and harder towards going back to foster care.  It tells me that I'm a great mom...  That those kids need what I have to offer them for however long it might be...  It tells me that my baby will come along, and I won't have to give him or her back.  But in the meantime, I know that my heart will break over and over again every time I lose one of my kids.  I miss the Booger Bear every single day, and the thought of feeling this loss for every child who comes into and out of my life is inconceivable to me!  How many times can a heart break before it can no longer be put back together?

I know this is where faith comes in.  I know that I need to trust that God will pick me up and put me back together after every loss.  I need to trust that He will carry me through all of the craziness that seems to be my daily life in foster care and help calm me when I feel completely helpless when it comes to protecting my kids.  But having faith and trust is hard.  I think maybe that's what I need to pray for...  Stop trying to analyze the battle between my head and my heart and start praying that God "help me have faith and let me trust enough to let go of control."  Because when all is said and done, this is what I want, both for myself and for the little ones who need someone to give it to them...

The love and slobbery kisses of a 14-month-old...

A baby sleeping peacefully in his bed...

Sidewalk chalk and fun times...

and bubble baths!!!

It's the little things that matter.  Because those little things add up to something amazing!  And I want to be able to have them as many times as I can, for as long as I can.  Just let God handle the rest. 

(I think I just might have heard what He's been telling me all along...  :-)