I Fear I Will Never...

...have a "normal" telephone conversation ever again.

Something happens to intelligent human beings when they have kids.  Add their friends and family having children around the same ages to the mix, and they're all doomed to the following telephone conversations with each other for an as-yet-to-be-determined amount of time:

Scenario Number One:

6:35pm - My sister calls my cell phone.  I know it's her from the ringtone.  I can not answer because I have Bug in my arms feeding him his bottle with one hand, and wiping away at the spit up on my shirt with the other.  I say aloud "I'll call you back!" in the hopes that she will hear me even though I never actually answered the phone.

7:15pm - Bug is in bed, so I call Christy back.  She doesn't answer.  I assume she is putting the Mini Munchkins to bed.  I text her "Call me when you're free."

9:00pm - Text from Christy "Kids are all asleep here.  I know you're putting Monkey to bed, so call me when he's down."

9:30pm - I finally call Christy.  Within the first 30 seconds, we have used the words poopy, spitty uppy, and booger wall.  We forget who called the other first, and totally don't remember what either of us were going to tell the other or why we were calling in the first place.  We end the conversation with "Mama needs to go night-night."


Scenario Number Two:

11:30am - Mom calls me at work to tell me that Monkey is eating his lunch and has been talking about Mommy coming home the entire time.  I ask to talk to him.

Me:  "Hi Monkey!  It's Mommy!  What are you doing?"
Monkey:  (silence)
Me:  "Nana said you wanted to talk to Mama.  Are you eating lunch?"
Monkey:  (heavy breathing)
Me:  "Mama loves you, baby!  I'll be home in a little while.  Do you want to watch Thomas the Train?"
Monkey: (crickets chirping)

Mom: "Well, he was talking about you non-stop."

Monkey (in the background): "Mama on da phone!  Hewoh!!!  Hewoh, Mama!  Thomas.  Kitty Cat.  Cheese.  Bye-bye!"


Scenario Three:

Me (calling Christy):  "Hey!  You answered the phone!"
Christy (whispering):  "Yeah...  I'm hiding in my bedroom.  Hopefully they won't find me!"

We chat for a minute.  Literally one minute, then SCRRREEEAAAMMM!!!

Buddy:  "Moooom!  Pooper took Butterfly's sippy cup and now she's mad!"
Christy:  "Well take it away from him and give it back to Butterfly."

(pause...  "OWWW!!!  That's not nice, Pooper!)

Buddy:  "Moooom!  Pooper bit me when I tried to take away the sippy cup and give it back to Butterfly!"
Christy:  "I'm sorry.  He's a toddler.  He doesn't know any better."
Buddy:  "Will you tell him to stop?"
Christy:  "Is he still biting you?!?"
Buddy:  "No."
Christy:  "Well then I guess everything's okay then, huh?  I'm trying to talk to Aunt Tammy.  Go play."

(one minute later...)

Ka-Diva:  "I want to talk to Aunt Tammy!"
Buddy:  "Me too!  Can we come to your house, Aunt Tammy?!?"
Christy (now resorting to bribery):  "If you two will go keep an eye on your brother and sister so I can talk to Aunt Tammy for ten uninterrupted minutes, you can go to Aunt Tammy's this afternoon!"
Me:  "Uh, really?  Okay."
Buddy and Ka-Diva:  "OKAY!!!  YAY!!!"

Source

(three minutes later...)

Christy:  (mid-sentence):  "...oh man!  They found me!," she exclaimed as she spotted two pairs of toddler eyes staring at her over the mattress.

And that was the end of that phone conversation.  :-)


Scenario Four:

My BFF Katie calls me at work because she knows it's probably the only time she'll be able to reach me.  We talk for about twenty minutes when she says, "I guess I should probably go in."

Me:  "Go in where?"
Katie:  "Oh, I've been in my truck sitting in my driveway.  They don't know I'm home yet."


One day...  in the distant, far-off future...  in a galaxy far, far away...  My sister, mother, friends, and I will be able to have a telephone conversation that doesn't involve little people tugging on our pant legs chanting "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!"  We will be able to talk for more than a minute without mention of bodily fluids.  We will be able to talk about ourselves in 1st person, rather than saying "Mommy really needs a nap."  One day, years from now when our children are grown, we will be able to call each other in peace!

Oh, who am I kidding?  Somehow I have a feeling the conversations will be eerily similar, only the "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" will be replaced with the "Mimi! Mimi! Mimi!" of our grandchildren's voices.  I fear the phone conversations of the present are my new "normal."  I suppose I should look for some good hiding places before Bug and Monkey are onto me!  :-)