Letting Go...

So I left work today with every intention of writing one of my scathingly brilliant monologues similar to the one praising the wonderfulness of my oh-so-FABULOUS stapler or my dream of meeting Mr. Sweaty Lawnmower Man, but I started getting all contemplative and philosophical with myself.

I usually dig through my journal before I write to give me a little inspiration or boost of imagination, and I came across a poem that I had totally forgotten about. Do you know that feeling that you sometimes get during the pastor's sermon on Sunday morning? ...the feeling that he has somehow been spying on you all week, and he's decided to revolve his entire sermon around your life? WTF?!? How the bleepin' heck did he know about THAT?!? That's kind of what this poem made me feel.

I think I stumbled across it at exactly the right time (for me, and for a few friends of mine who I know are going through some similar things). It's about letting go...

"Letting Go"

By: Anonymous

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring,

It means I can't do it for someone else...

To let go is not to cut myself off,

It is the realization that I can't control another...

To let go is not to enable,

but to allow learning from natural consequences...

To let go is to admit powerlessness,

which means that the outcome is not in my hands...

To let go is not to try to change or blame another,

I can only change myself...

To let go is not to care for,

but to care about...

To let go is not to fix,

but to be supportive...

To let go is not to judge,

but to allow another to be human...

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging outcomes,

but to allow others to affect their own outcomes...

To let go is not to be protective,

It is to permit another to face reality...

To let go is not to deny,

but to accept...

To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,

but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them...

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,

but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment...

To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,

but to try to become what I dream I can be...

To let go is not to regret the past,

but to grow and live for the future...

To let go is to fear less, and love more.

I have struggled with "letting go" practically my entire life. I've always found it difficult to let go of resentment and anger (that's an entirely different post). I've never been able to let go of control over most situations without having a major panic attack. I've found it nearly impossible to let go of my own dreams for other people. I tend to cling to one-sided friendships in the hopes that maybe they'll come around one day and realize that I'm a pretty great person to have around. One of the hardest things I've found to let go of has been my definition of a fulfilled, happy, secure life and a "better" me.

Up until very recently, I've always had this checklist that defined what a "happy" life would be. Some of the list was influenced by what everyone else thinks I need to be happy, but most of it was my idealistic views of what life should be. "A person will be happy if they have a loving spouse, a handful of children, a close extended family who enjoys spending time with everyone, friends who care about me as much as I care about them, a couple of pets, an emotionally fulfilling job, a nice house in the suburbs, little to no debt, a knock-out bod," blah, blah, blah... I've spent so much time thinking about all of the things on my "List of Ideals" that I don't have, that I've lost sight of what I do have. So this poem came at exactly the right time for me.

This year has been a year of awakening, transition, and hopefully a new me. So my "List of Ideals" isn't entirely checked off. I plan on amending my list to include only the great things that I do have in my life. So I don't have a husband! Big deal! I'd make a better mother than I would a wife anyway! I'll just adopt a truckload of kids, load them all up in my used car along with my chunky-monkey self, and drive them over for Sunday dinner to my parents' house where they can play with their awesome cousins and get spoiled rotten by Nana, Papa, Aunt Christy, and Uncle Chris. I might even have their honorary Aunties come and spoil them too! (Actually, I think Christy and I'll let the kids stay at my parents' house and all of the Aunties and I can go have Girls' Night.)

So I'm learning. I'm learning what it means to let go of what I don't need in my life... and I'm learning what it means to be happy with what I have when I have it.

Source

Getting "Google-y"

So I was bored and decided to do that Google search thing that everyone is doing with "Tammy likes to." I can tell you that now is NOT a good time to be named "Tammy" because "Tammy" apparently likes to do quite a lot of things... NONE of which are appropriate for posting on the Internet.  I would never be able to foster again!

I quickly switched to "Tammy needs..." This was a bit better...


1. Tammy needs "your prayers and good wishes." - Always! Who doesn't need that?

2. Tammy needs "a baby." - CREEPY!!! How did Google know THAT?!?

3. Tammy needs "constant care." - Hee-hee... You're not kidding! :-)

4. Tammy needs "a bib." - Well, a bib would have come in handy before my breast reduction, that's for sure! I never did understand the point of putting a napkin in your LAP when the food never made it that far in the first place.

5. Tammy needs "clear behavior guidelines." - I think I'm fairly well-behaved, thank you!

6. Tammy needs "to think before she talks." - I would have to agree with this one. I sometimes seem to be missing that switch that prevents me from saying EXACTLY what's on my mind.

7. Tammy needs "to seek psychological treatment." - Been there, done that. I would have to agree.

8. Tammy needs "a good, but reasonably priced accountant." - Well, I guess it couldn't hurt.

9. Tammy needs "minimal correction when on a leash." - I really don't know what to say about this one.

10.  Tammy needs "to go to Vegas." - Whoa...  They're GOOD!!!

11.  Tammy needs "to vent about it somewhere." - That is why I have this blog!  :-)

12.  Tammy needs " a blog AND a TV show!" - Well, now we're talkin'!  I am pretty awesome. :-)

13.  Tammy needs "support, as she has some mental problems." - Don't make me go all "Bipolar Girl" on your butt!

14.  Tammy needs "some love." - Why yes...  Yes I do!

15.  Tammy needs "a mute button." - WTF?!?  WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO SAY?!?  "A MUTE BUTTON!"  WHATEVER!!!  THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.  I THINK I'M OFFENDED.  NO.  I AM OFFENDED!  I SHOULD SUE!  "MUTE BUTTON..." 

16.  Tammy needs "to know that the answer is inside herself." - Wow...  Now that's deep.

17.  Tammy needs "a serious tan." - You're not kidding!  Albino white girl here, blinding poor, unsuspecting souls when I step into the sun...

18.  Tammy needs "to talk about it before she forgets her brilliant observations." - That is precisely why I have this blog!  One must never forget the importance of Toilet Paper Etiquette or the dangers of paper products.  And I just HAD to share my insights on how to get ahead at work.  I'm onto them, I tell you!

19.  Tammy needs "to be lifted by eight firemen." - Ohhhh, yeah!!!  I love me some firemen!!!  I firmly believe firemen are the sexiest men on the planet.  :-)

20. Tammy needs "to ask herself, 'What would Jesus do.'" - I'm not sure I can top this one, so I think I'll just stop here.

So what does Mr. Google say that you need?

A False Sense of Security

I had my week off between classes, so I took a little trip to Tyler to relax at my grandparents' house on the lake, and took today off to decompress and get back into work mode for tomorrow. Having the day off, I thought I'd log into my next class that starts tomorrow and see if the syllabus had been posted.

 

 

I now realize that this school lulls you into a false sense of security about the workload in the classes, and have realized that I am going to have ABSOLUTELY NO LIFE for the next two years (four years, really because I want my Masters too).

They "introduce" you to the university with the first course. It's a ridiculously easy class with only a couple of major papers and quick and easy weekly discussion questions... I made a 99.

Class 2 proved to be a bit more challenging in that they added more major projects and got somewhat picky on the length and quality of our discussion questions. That wasn't too bad, as I can pretty well B.S. my way through just about anything, but it was irritating to have more work when I'd gotten used to Class 1. I made an 89 in that one because I didn't end up doing that one paper. I realized it was only worth 10 points, and didn't think it was worth the headache.

Class 3 seems to have DOUBLED the writing and project requirements of Class 2! I've got a major paper and slide presentation due every week, along with two shorter papers and participation requirements to deal with. To make matters worse, there are a couple of the Scary Church Ladies in this class! (Luckily the Leader of the SCLs doesn't seem to be in there, but these other two were nearly as frightening.)

I don't even want to think about how much work my NEXT class is going to have. But I have to admit... This whole five weeks per class and moving on to the next one works out really well for me. I can handle five weeks without getting too bored and wanting to drop out. And I'm taking a week off between classes so I can have a little bit of fun in between. I might take two weeks next time though and take a little beach vacation before hurricane season hits.

Anyway... If you see any more posts about me procrastinating or hear me mentioning that I have a 12-page paper due that I haven't started, feel free to hit me over the head with something hard and tell me to get my little fingers to typing. Remind me that I currently pay bills for a living, and I'd MUCH rather be the BOSS.

SOOOO Procrastinating...

 

 

I'm supposed to be writing a 7-page paper describing the four key elements of a working agreement and applying them to a hypothetical situation... So I'm writing a blog post instead.

I've spent today knowing that I have a paper due on Monday, but instead I've done the following:

1. I woke up around 11:30am and took a shower.

2. I watched a show on the 10 Best Beaches in Florida.

3. I got online and searched for those beaches in Florida.

4. I changed my "status" on MySpace.

5. I searched online for my next few tattoos even though I already know what I'm getting.

6. I logged into my class (PROGRESS! :-D )

7. I logged OUT of my class (not as much progress as I thought).

8. I made some of that yummy gourmet popcorn for lunch/dinner.

9. I opened my textbook to find out what the heck this paper was supposed to be about. (PROGRESS! :-D )

10. I sighed, "Well, crap!" and closed the notebook. (not so much progress)

11. I changed my "status" on MySpace again.

12. I went through my online photos and arranged them in chronological order within subcategories.

13. I took another shower. (I had forgotten about the first one at the time, and then wondered why everything was wet.)

14. I watched another travel show on the 10 Best Carribbean Resorts (I want to go to St. John, USVI SO BAD!!!)

15. (I'll bet you think I got online and searched for those resorts, don't you?) Well, I'll never tell!!!

16. I went and made myself a HUGANTOR amaretto sour, and then nearly started to cry because I used the last of my amaretto.

17. I changed my "status" on MySpace, and proceeded to write this blog post.



Now, I realize that I might not have been the most productive member of society today, and I CLEARLY haven't performed at my academic peak, but you have to admit I do know how to procrastinate!

I think I'm going to finish my drink, hit the cheap vodka and fake cranberry juice and try to write a drunk Hypothetical Working Agreement. Now that would be a challenge! Heck, I have enough points in the class to pass anyway. I really don't even have to do the paper if I don't want to!

Maybe I'll go take another shower instead. :-D

Scary Church Ladies

You know it's bad when your college professor has to verbally-chastise grown adults in a public forum. Not just grown adults, mind you... But the self-proclaimed religious, God-fearing adults!!! After my last blog about my class, things got really heated on the message boards... Not as a response to my post... The unyielding Scary Church Ladies (SCL's) didn't bother to respond to me. Apparently I'm just a commoner in the realms of the holy world. But they are now on a Bible-thumping kick on the evils of, well... Everything basically!

These women are SCARY!!! We're all going to hell no matter what we do apparently (except for them, of course... They are servants of the Lord.) I'm beginning to think I'm a freak in the world of Christianity as well as in the human services profession! Call me crazy (most people do), but I always thought that being a Christian meant that you tried to treat everyone with respect whether you agreed with their personal beliefs or not. "Do unto others..." and all that...

Our class has been informed by the leader of the SCL's that our primary job as human services professionals and as Christians (again, a rash generalization that all human services professionals are Christians in the first place) is to spread the Word of God.  Really?  I thought the primary job of a human services professional is to help people!!! Certainly not to beat them over the head with your personal beliefs and tell them they're going to hell for their lifestyles...

Anyway... After we were all told that every word of the Bible should be taken literally and that those who don't will be condemned to eternal hellfire, our professor had to post a message about treating each other with respect regardless of our differing opinions and religious beliefs. She then had to go back and tell the leader of the SCL's to "please review my post on respect" after she said (IN ALL CAPS) that the subject we were discussing was a sin. It is Biblical. We can't change it or wish it away or rationalize it. And anyone who does it is going to hell. Period. "GOD HAS THE FINAL ANSWER! IT IS SIN!!!" She frightens me.

So the SCL's went and pissed me off and I decided to post my honest, yet professional responses to each subject they were preaching about. I got slammed by the SCL's, but I received tons of "THANK YOU's" from the students who are there for a real education in the field. And, I posted the following to their leader...

"I really didn't want to be sucked into a religious debate, but I do feel the need to ask... As a Christian, don't you also believe that Jesus died on the cross to pay for our sins? I think it can be easy to look at the Old Testament and take it very literally, but the New Testament, the life and death of Jesus, shows us that God is also a forgiving God. I think if we are going to judge people for their beliefs and actions, we must also be able to forgive."

I'll keep you all posted and let you know how that one goes over.