Brotherly Love

I used to think it was cute that Monkey immediately asked for "Baby" upon waking up every morning.  I now realize that Monkey isn't asking for "Baby," he is asking if that little Mama-stealing attention hog is still taking up residence in our home.  Trust me.  There is a big difference.  It seems Monkey is not fond of sharing his Mommy.  :-)

The very first time Monkey laid eyes on Bug, he cried.  And we're not talking the whiny-type of crying that toddlers do when they're a little unsure of what is happening around them...  We're talking the "hyperventilating, clinging to my neck, legs wrapped around me, flat-out refusing to look in the direction of the happy, squealing infant" kind of crying.  At that point, I hadn't even held Bug in front of him, so I have no idea what he was so freaked out about.  Eventually, he made eye contact, Bug smiled, and Monkey decided to try to figure this squirming pint-sized human-looking thing out.

The first month was spent as Monkey decided to take it upon himself to point out the similarities and differences between "real" humans and "baby."  Poor Bug got his nose picked, fingers in the ears, his eyes poked, and his head smacked at Monkey constantly pointed out his body parts.  If Bug fussed or squealed, Monkey would mimic whatever sound came out of his mouth.

The novelty of "Baby" wore off during month two, and Monkey hit the "I'll tolerate him because I have to because apparently he's here to stay" stage.  For the most part, he completely ignored him.  Our mornings consisted of Bug craning his neck to get a look at his awesome big brother, and Monkey doing everything within his power to ignore Bug's stares.  On the rare occasion that Monkey and Bug actually made eye-contact, Monkey would screech "BAAABBBYYYY!!!  NOOOO!!!!" and run screaming from the room.

By month three Monkey became hyper-sensitive to Bug.  If he heard Bug wake up from a nap or start fussing, he gasped and exclaimed "Baby!"  If Nana took Bug into his room to try to rock him to sleep, Monkey followed whispering, "Shhhh..."  And if he thought that I was taking too long to see to Bug, he would grudgingly attempt to console him himself.  The first time that happened, I was in the middle of making Bug a bottle while he was fussing in his swing.  Monkey ran to me, pointed to Bug with a concerned look on his face saying, "Uh-oh!"  When I didn't immediately go to him, Monkey sighed, rolled his eyes, and went to push Bug in his swing saying, "rock, rock."

We're now into month four, and Monkey is ever-so-slowly beginning to warm up to the little guy.  He tries to share his cars and trucks.  He pats him on the head.  He'll even return Bug's smile occasionally.  There was one morning in particular where Monkey was doling out kisses.  Mom was holding Bug, I was holding Monkey, and I asked, "Do you want to give Baby a kiss?"  You could see the wheels turning as he decided whether or not to take this huge step in brotherly bonding, and he slowly leaned in to bestow a kiss upon his baby brother...  Only to receive an excited baby headbutt to the chin.  I'm fairly certain Monkey won't be kissing Bug again any time soon.  Although, he has started to kiss his feet most mornings.  :-)

Monkey's all about being "a good helper" these days, and is beginning to take that seriously when it comes to helping out with Bug.  He helps me hold his bottle.  He wipes Bug's face with a burp rag when he drools.  He demonstrates how the baby's toys work (mostly so he can play with them, but he does it in a way that makes it seem like he's showing the baby :-).  The other morning, Bug was sleeping in a little late, and I needed to get him ready for daycare.  I told Monkey, "Mommy needs to go wake up Baby.  Do you want to help me?"  We tiptoed quietly into Bug's room as Monkey whispered, "Shhhh..."  He was silently peering at his sleeping brother, and just as I went to gently stir Bug awake, Monkey slowly reached through the slats on his crib, and promptly smacked his peacefully slumbering brother on the head, screeching, "BAAABBY!!!!" at the tops of his lungs.  Poor little guy didn't know what hit him!

That's brotherly love for you!  :-)

"Foster Fridays" 2013 Panel Search

I'm planning on starting up "Foster Fridays" again next month, and I'm looking for about 8-12 panel members to contribute to the 2nd Friday of the month panel posts.  April will be a Panel Introduction post, and I will be sending panel members May-December's topics immediately so you can write at your own pace.

If you are interested in being a "Foster Friday" panel member, please contact me at I_MustBeTrippin@hotmail.com .

Over-thinking...

I had one of those moments at lunch today where I'm SURE I'm over-thinking things, but...  Monkey's dad came to pick him up and (long story short) Monkey wanted to stay with Mommy.  He cried.  He clung to my neck.  He had the sad, pouty lip and big tears.  Monkey's not feeling well, and you want your Mommy when you're not feeling well.  I told him that he would get to see Mommy again tonight, and that I loved him...  Not realizing immediately that this was the first time I have ever actually called myself "Mommy" in front of his dad.  MONKEY calls me "Mommy" in front of him all the time, but this was a first for me.  I noticed his dad kind of tearing up as they left, and that's when my brain went into overdrive.

Was his dad sad that Monkey didn't want to go to him?

Was he upset that I call myself "Mommy" when he has a birth mom who's missing out on everything because she just couldn't get better?

Was he upset that Monkey's birthmom is missing his birthday today?

Was he worried because he knows something I don't know and maybe he's losing his job and he won't need me to keep Monkey anymore and he knows how upset I'd be and how upset Monkey would be and he doesn't know how to tell me so he's putting it off until the last possible second?  (See...  Over-thinking!)

All sorts of thoughts running through my head...  Heck.  For all I know his dad's allergies could have been acting up and he wasn't upset at all!  But all of that thinking made me think (shocker :-)...

As sad as I am that Monkey's mom hasn't been able to heal enough to be a positive part of his life, I am (selfishly) grateful that I am the Mommy that Monkey knows.  I'm grateful that he's been my little boy for the past two years.  I'm grateful that when he talks about "Mommy," I know he's talking about me.  I'm grateful that his daddy knows that too, and that he supports it even though it hurts him to know Monkey's birthmom is out there somewhere.  I'm grateful that his birthmom risked her life to give birth to him, even though she wasn't able to overcome the things that stood in the way of her being able to be his "mommy" long-term.  I'm grateful that God chose me to take that place in his life when he was two months old.  I'm grateful for every single second that I get to be this little guy's mom.

What is Wrong with this Picture?

This is my calendar for the month of February.

I have a child in foster care.

I ask you...  What is wrong with this picture?

Bug's case has been by far the easiest case I've ever had.  So easy, in fact, it's almost (dare I say...) kind of boring!  He's a perfectly healthy baby and developmentally right on track, so no therapies or extra medical appointments.  His parents are nowhere to be found, so no weekly parent visitations.  His case is currently based out of a county an hour away, so visits from his caseworker are few and far between.  Nice Lady (from my agency) still comes out once a month, but after two years of knowing her, her visits are more like a good friend coming over to gab than a foster care "chore."  I was (almost) excited when his caseworker sprung a last-minute visit with his grandmother on me earlier this week.  I got to add something to my calendar!

For the most part, things have just been quiet, and it is a seriously foreign thing to me to be parenting without a ton of CPS interference.  I've never really parented without CPS breathing down my neck and having to jump through a ton of hoops and cut through red tape.  I sort of don't know how to parent without all of the crazy!  In fact, I'm missing the crazy so much that I've seriously considered taking another kiddo!  I said as much on FB (begging one of my foster mama BFFs to talk me down), and the ensuing conversation was pretty humorous.  You could easily pinpoint which of the respondents were foster parents and which were friends and family thinking that I've lost my mind.  :-)

"Sara!  You need to TALK ME DOWN!  Just when I thought I was perfectly fine having only boys, I ran into TWO super-cute baby girls (separately) who I wanted to snatch up and one very pregnant teen carhop who announced she was having a girl all in the matter of about 20 minutes.  Now I'm wanting to call my agency and tell them that I'll take on a 3rd infant/toddler if they can get me a girl and maybe even a teen mom!  (and OF COURSE I'm leaving this to YOU to talk me down because I know you're going to tell me to GO FOR IT! ;-)"

Responses ranged from "You do that and you will lose your respite provider!!!" to "Nana will change her mind the moment she lays eyes on another little one." to "Everyone should have have one of each!" to "STEP AWAY FROM THE BABY!  We're going to have to find you a 12 step program!"  Sara, however, turned on me and sided with my mom (suck up! ;-) saying, "Nana gets to decide!"  (Although I have to admit, my mom slowed me down a bit by saying that she'd boycott all respite duties if I added a 3rd. :-)  Still...  A 5-year-old girl sure sounds like fun!  Maybe I can convince her...  :-)

In the meantime, I'm going to have to find something foster care-related to keep me busy.  I'm going to focus hard on the blog and probably volunteer to do some paperwork or a foster parent newsletter for my agency.  I'll probably take them up on their request to teach a documentation and organization class too.  Heck!  Maybe I'll write a book!  If I can't get myself another kiddo right now, I need to keep myself busy in all of my "free" time.  Bug goes to bed at 6:30 and sleeps all night, and Monkey is only with me half of the week.  I need to find something productive to do!

Any ideas?  I've got to fill my empty calendar!

Compassion

Source

I'm trying.  I'm trying really hard to muster some of the compassion that I usually feel for my children's birth families, but in Bug's case...  It's so hard!

I usually have a lot of compassion for my kiddos' families.  Usually to the point of everyone asking me how I can want to help them...  For me, it's easy to feel compassion for parents who obviously love their children.  Yes, they made horrible mistakes and poor choices, but up to this point all of my kiddos have had at least one parent really step up from the very beginning and do whatever was asked of them in order to bring their little one home and to heal their families.  Even the parents who were never able to overcome their addictions or who continued to slip back into making poor choices for the most part still tried.  I can't imagine how horrible it must be to have an addiction or a situation that has such a strong hold on you that it ultimately costs you your life with your child.  To this day, I still hurt for Monkey's birth mom.  As much as she loved Monkey and as hard as she tried, she was just never able to heal.

Bug has been with me for two months, and his parents have yet to contact CPS!  How do you simply forget that you have a child?!?  How do you just go about your life and not try to do everything within your power to be with him or to at least make sure that he is safe and loved?  Are you really more afraid of your outstanding warrants than you are of not seeing your child?  Is your lifestyle really more important to you than the child you brought into this world?  You have this amazing, sweet, happy, charming baby boy, and you wouldn't even recognize him if you ran into us on the street!

I am in that protective Mama Bear mode when it comes to Bug and pretty much want to jump down his caseworker's throat any time she mentions his birth parents (not that there's much to mention).  They don't deserve him.  They haven't even acknowledged that he exists!  How long do you let him stay in foster care limbo while they continue to party and ignore him?  I find myself getting angry when I think about all of the possibilities of what might happen if Bug goes back to his maternal grandmother.  He'd be going right back into the exact situation that he was removed from.  Nothing will have changed!  His parents will continue to ignore him (although I suspect they will come around occasionally if CPS is out of the picture).  His grandmother will continue to enable her daughter's poor lifestyle choices and Bug will grow up exposed to that lifestyle.

But...  His grandmother is fighting for him.  She hired her own attorney and is fighting to get him back.  She's got issues of her own, and pitches fits when she doesn't get her way (like pouting for a month and a half and not visiting her grandson because the judge didn't rule in her favor), but she loves her grandson and is making the effort that his parents should be making in order to bring him home.  I might not agree with a lot of her choices, but she loves my Bug.  Her FB profile picture is evidence of that.

And that's when all of the wind goes out of my angry, puffed up sails, and I realize that my lack of compassion for Bug's family isn't helping anyone...  least of all Bug and myself.  My anger with Bug's parents and frustration with his grandmother's pouty fits isn't going to help him bond with them if he is able to return to his family.  It's not going to help me cope with the loss any better if he returns home.  I want to know that I've done everything in my power to help Bug return to a safe environment where he is loved, and I can't do that if I am sitting here in judgement with no compassion or empathy for a family whose poor "choices have led them into patterns of destruction and suffering."  I can't be the kind of mother that Bug deserves if I am "having a spiritual crisis" myself.  My baby deserves better.

So this is me...  Making a conscious effort to put myself in their shoes.  To harness my anger and to do my best to reach out to Bug's grandmother...  This is me, trying to be the kind of mother that my little boy deserves.