Fearing the Journey

I found a quote when I was going through my journal that really hit home with me. It was something that I'd read in a book called "The Locket" by Richard Paul Evans.

"The most difficult of decisions are often not the ones

in which we cannot determine the correct course,

rather the ones in which we are certain of the path,

but fear the journey."

As I've been struggling with whatever this craziness is that's going on in my head, I've known that I need to talk to someone. I know that I need to see a professional who can actually diagnose me and help me work through this. In the past 10 months I've gone as far as getting pre-approved through my insurance, and then something stops me dead in my tracks. ...the fear of the journey... the fear of what might happen if I'm diagnosed with something that would actually label me as "crazy"... the fear of actually having to answer questions that I've never answered before... the fear of breaking down in front of someone (for the most part, that's something that I've pretty much managed to keep to myself until now)...

So I put off making the appointment in the hopes that this will all go away on its own. I've had manic-depressive tendencies since college (maybe before). I'll suddenly freak out and make major life-altering decisions without thinking about it and then suffer the consequences. (Like having an anxiety attack and packing up and moving an hour and a half away from work because "I JUST NEED SOME QUIET DAMMIT!!!") Then I'll sink into a depression so low that I use every ounce of strength that I have to function for the eight hours a day at work that I sleep for 20 hours a day on the weekends.

Up until this past year, the ups and downs of the roller coaster had been fairly far apart, so I didn't really notice it as much. But now, my mood can change from one minute to the next without warning. I'll be on a total high thinking that I can change the world with my smile alone, then someone will look at me funny and I'll want to tear their limbs off. After that, I'll realize that I'm being irrational and I'll start to cry. Then I think, "Screw it! Let's go to Happy Hour, girls!" It's gotten so bad that I don't even recognize myself anymore. Which brings me back to the "fearing the journey" thing...

I know it's completely ridiculous. I know I'll feel better when I'm diagnosed and can get on the right kind of medication and treatment. Rationally, I know I'll have a better chance of being able to adopt a child once I've gone through treatment and gotten everything under control. But my biggest irrational fear is that the social worker doing the adoption homestudy will read my medical history and fail me on the spot because I've been diagnosed as "crazy." So I sit paralyzed in fear of the journey and of what might come of it.

I am trying. I do realize that I need to get help. I know I'm not going to get better on my own. "The most difficult of decisions are often not the ones in which we cannot determine the correct course, rather the ones in which we are certain of the path, but fear the journey."