Waiting...

Today was rather eventful day in the foster/adopt realm, with absolutely nothing to show for it in the end. I was out to lunch with my mom, and I heard my message tone on my phone. I was half-expecting Katie to text me because I knew she had taken Colton to the doctor, so I glanced down to read what I thought was a text from her only to discover that I had missed a call from Pathways (my agency)! I went to listen to the message, and all I got was, "Hey Tammy. It's Stephanie from Pathways. I put in for a 4-week-old baby for y..." AND THEN IT CUT HER OFF!!!

I immediately called her back and found out that she had put in my name for a 4-week-old baby girl who had just become available. She said that the broadcast would be open until 1:00, but that she'd let me know by 2:00 if I'd get to have her. Apparently, the State sends out a broadcast email to all of the participating agencies in the county every time a child needs a foster home. The case managers constantly monitor their email, and immediately submit the information for matching foster parents, and I guess the State chooses from there. Unfortunately, once again, I didn't end up getting the baby.

I'm SO FRUSTRATED! I've wanted to be a mom for so long, and it seems like every time it looks like I might be getting closer, something always stops it. I've been trying seriously to make this happen for about five years. I've always had the feeling that I was going to adopt because I'd had so many "girlie" problems, but private adoption is so expensive. So when I first started thinking about having a baby, I tried my OBGYN first. This was about four or five years ago. I just wanted to see what my chances were of being able to get pregnant. We ended up doing another laparoscopy to try to clean everything up, and he was going to check to see if my tubes were blocked at the same time. It turned out that the chances of me ever getting pregnant without in vitro were pretty much slim to none, and even then chances weren't great. So the "getting pregnant" option was pretty much out. Four months later, I ended up having a hysterectomy anyway, so the pregnancy thing was definitely out at that point. On to adoption...

After the hysterectomy, I started seriously searching for an adoption agency for a domestic adoption. This proved to be EXTREMELY frustrating. The Christian agencies won't even consider singles. I guess in their eyes, you have to be married in order to be a good parent. I did find a good agency that I planned on using, but who can honestly afford a full year's salary to adopt and also pay all of the birthmother's living and medical expenses?!? So I looked into international adoption, and decided on adopting from Guatemala. They accept single mothers. Most of the babies are in private foster homes, rather than orphanages. And you can usually have the baby home by the time they are 6 months old (extremely young for international adoptions). It was still going to take quite a while to save up the money (about $20,000), but it was a doable plan. ...Until new regulations in 2007 made it just about impossible to adopt from there. There are actually people who were matched back in 2007 who are still waiting to bring their children home! So much for Guatemala...


That's when I decided to look into fostering to adopt. I'd always stayed away from the idea because I know how attached I will get, and having to give the babies back will be horrible. But most foster parents do get to adopt within the first two to four placements, and it's only around $1,500 as opposed to $30K or more. But after the past five months, I can see why they "bribe" hopeful parents with the lower cost. You have to jump through more hoops than the dolphins at Sea World! They place completely unrealistic expectations on you and what they feel a "good" household should be. I mean, seriously! Who honestly double-locks their medications?!? How many of us haven't put a box of leftover pizza in the refrigerator?!? (Note to all you parents out there. If you do that, you're BAD! You have to put it in an airtight container. "Good" parents don't use foil, you know!) A what normal person doesn't leave their shampoo in the shower?!? That's where it needs to be, for crying out loud!!! It also seems like they constantly tease you with, "We have a baby for you!" "Oops! No we don't!" It's already happened to me twice in three weeks!

I just get so frustrated because here I am, wanting to be a mom so much, and knowing that I'll be a great one, but I have to constantly "prove my worthiness" to be a parent and have complete strangers judging me on a daily basis by my little biographical sketch in my homestudy. There are people out there who have NO BUSINESS having babies popping them out like pez dispensers (ex. Octo-Mom with her 14 kids). No one is making her prove her worthiness as a parent! Oh NO! They're paying her to exploit her children while she asks for handouts and gets plastic surgery for herself! (Sorry... But that woman makes me MAD!)

Anyway... As you can tell, I'm having kind of a rough day. I know everyone keeps saying that "my" baby will come soon, but with fostering, I won't even know if it will be "my" baby when I get him or her. Chances are, I will only have them for a year, and will have to give them back. I just hope that I will be able to have my own family soon... That I will be able to adopt eventually and won't have to continue to "prove myself" forever... and I pray that I'm strong enough to get through all of the ups and downs that come with this foster/adopt train, and that my heart doesn't get completely shattered in the process.