Toilet Paper Etiquette 101

Random Rambling #1 - "Toilet Paper Etiquette 101"

As I journey evermore closely towards my lifelong goal of motherhood, I have become increasingly philosophical and introspective. What truly matters? What's really important? After serious contemplation, I've come to realize that one of the most important things in the world has, quite sadly, been neglected by millions...

... Toilet paper etiquette ...

We all have little pet peeves that drive us crazy, but I'll bet you didn't know that something as mundane as toilet paper could quite literally send people into fits of frenzy. I speak from experience. In my thirty-four years, I have not only been on the receiving end of "Toilet Paper Rage," I have also developed my own theory on proper "Toilet Paper Etiquette." I have, of course, prepared a list for future reference. Feel free to post it in your home bathrooms or in public restrooms everywhere. :-)

"Toilet Paper Etiquette 101"

1. Always have a backup roll within reach! - Personally, I think this would be common sense to anyone stocking bathroom supplies. How many times have you neglected to check the readily-available toilet paper supply before it was "too late?" What is one supposed to do if the extra toilet paper is stored in the hall closet? I'd hate to be a guest at that party!
2. Never cut costs by buying cheap toilet paper. - Trust me, you and your guests will thank me for this one. Yes, in these tough economic times, we are always looking for ways to save money. But believe me when I say it's just not worth it. Cut costs somewhere else... Like by buying store brand canned vegetables or eating lots of rice... Clip coupons for crying out loud! But stick with the super absorbent, double ply, quilted triple rolls when it comes to the barrier between your bum and, well, you know. That single ply sandpaper stuff just doesn't get the job done.
3. Develop the habit of putting the toilet paper on the roll the same direction every time. - Now, I have to admit, I never gave this one a second thought until college. One of my best friends pretty much lived at our apartment, and he shared the hall bathroom with my roommate. After a year of hearing his theory on why the toilet paper must come over the top of the roll, and hearing her complain because he was constantly griping at her for putting it on "the wrong way," I have spent the past 14 years terrified of doing just that. I suppose it doesn't really matter which way it goes... over the top, on the bottom... His main point was that "you should be able to get up in the middle of the night and not have to open your eyes to find the end of the toilet paper. If you always have the end over the top of the roll, it's always there for you. It will never let you down."
4. If you do use the last of the toilet paper, change out the roll! - You wouldn't think this would be that difficult. It takes all of three seconds to pop off the holder, discard the empty roll, and put on a new one (especially if you have followed Rule #1 and have a backup roll within reach). But I swear, I must be the only person on the planet who is capable of this mind-boggling task! There is nothing more irritating than reaching for the toilet paper only to discover an empty roll on the holder, and three mostly-used rolls sitting on the back of the toilet or on the counter 4 inches from the empty holder. I've decided that my family has some secret pact to never change the toilet paper just because they know it drives me insane!
5. Perhaps most importantly... Don't be lazy when the end is near! - I can't tell you how many times I've gone into a bathroom, saw that there was toilet paper on the roll, only to discover that whoever had used it last had left only enough squares on the roll to circle it once just so they could say, "I didn't use the last of the toilet paper!" That's more irritating than if they had used all of it! It's not fun attempting to salvage enough useful toilet tissue off of the part that stuck to the glue on the cardboard.

Toilet Paper Rage is not pretty, and it can be avoided if these five simple guidelines of Toilet Paper Etiquette are followed. Please do your part to help make the world a better place.