Wow... It's definitely been a crazy week and an INSANE first placement when it comes to fostering. We found a two-parent home for Baby on Sunday, so she's not with me anymore. :-( I have very mixed feelings about it. She was such a good little baby. So happy considering everything that she had to deal with. But she needed to be in a two-parent home. There was no way that a single, working mom could handle the amount of care and attention that she needs right now while she's in that body cast.
I've been super-emotional the past couple of days after having to let her go. I know I did the right thing for her, but I miss her so much already. I'm sad, I'm frustrated by the entire experience and dealings that I've had with my case manager, her case manager, her social worker, the Medicaid people, etc. ...and I'm just about ready to punch the next non-foster parent who tries to offer me advice!
I know people mean well, but really! How can you offer someone advice when you haven't even seen the baby and don't know a thing about the situation!?! I've had people telling me to be patient with her because she's scared, hurting, etc. First of all, I'm not stupid. I expected her to be upset and fussy, but she surprisingly wasn't. She took to me immediately and smiled from the get-go. She was a happy, tough little thing. The only time she ever really cried was at night when she was having really bad stomach pains and from not being able to breathe. The problem had absolutely nothing to do with her. The problem was that she needed more physical care and attention than one person could give her for the next 6 weeks while she was in a body cast! She needed a stay at home mom (not a single mom who has to work full time!).
I've endured comments from people telling me to "tough it out" for the next six weeks. Easy for them to say. They're able to go work (or they don't have to work because they are married and have backup)! They're probably able to sleep too. Poor Baby Girl had bad allergies on top of everything else, and couldn't sleep laying down. I had to sit up with her most of the night while she slept propped up in my arms. I'll bet they haven't been carrying around a baby in a body cast 24-7 either! And now that we found a better placement for her, I get to hear comments from people about how "convenient" it is that I can just "send her back" because she wasn't a "perfect" baby. That's ABSOLUTE CRAP!!! I thought she was a perfect baby! It was the match itself that wasn't good. I honestly think they just wanted to find a placement for her because she was being released from the hospital and it was late at night.
I'm in serious need of good foster care stories! If any of you have any, send them my way! I'm so discouraged by this whole situation, I'm starting to question if it's even something that I want to put myself through.
*** If you happen to be one of the people who tried to offer me advice, please don't take the rant too personally. I know you meant well. It's just been a long, physically and emotionally exhausting week, and unless you've been in a similar situation or actually spent some time with Munchkin and me during the week, I don't think anyone can really understand. For those of you who were there helping me out... THANK YOU!!! I couldn't have managed the week without you! :-) ***
Non-foster parents don't get it. They never will. I stopped trying long ago to make them understand. I'd love to tell you that we never disrupted a placement but that would be a line of crap. Things happen. Period. Placements don't work out for a variety of reasons and don't for one minute think that your reasons were not valid. Baby should have been placed in a two parent home, preferably with a SAHM, from the get go. But the system is...well the system is the system and the child's IMMEDIATE need for placement often supercedes a child's need for an APPROPRIATE placement. Hopefully the next placement will be a better match for you. Tell all the helpful, advice giving, snarky comment making people to kiss your ass. That's what I do.
ReplyDeleteNo worries, Ms. Katie... You are the ONE person I'm cutting some slack. You and Brian definitely have more than your share of high-needs baby. Poor thing. :-( Just be thankful there are TWO of you in the house, and you're not trying to do it all alone!
ReplyDeleteI don't know how you do it. That electric snot-sucking contraption alone scares the crap out of me! Then you've got to keep up with all of his medications and doctors' appointments, try to get him to eat, try to make him feel better when he's screaming in pain... I'm in awe of you! You're a great mom.
Do not be hard on yourself! Don't allow others to bring you down either! I am proud of you for knowing what is best for the foster baby and for YOU! Hang in there... ag
ReplyDeleteTammy,
ReplyDeleteI do not know you, but I stumbled on to your blog....I am not sure how....but I did and I have already posted a comment once. I love your blog and will keep reading it as long as it is here.
My partner and I have been foster parents for 5 years and have had 17 children pass through our house...some kids have stayed for 3 years....some have stayed for 2 weeks. Some caseworkers, CASA workers, Legal social workers have been great and respected our opinions and our committment and our time....and some have been awful and told us how to do our jobs and not listened to us and not respected our time. Most of the kids and us fit together like a puzzle and things went really well......and for some of the kids (all good kids) and us, the puzzle pieces were not even from the same box!
Sometimes, even parents who have their own kids with special needs cannot understand what foster parents have to deal with....to that end try this link. http://fosterparents.com/CHAT/
It's a forum for foster parents from all over the world.
Take care and good luck. You were exactly what that little girl needed for those days.