Cell Phone Etiquette 101

As I was walking into work the other day, I came upon a very disturbing sight.  A nicely dressed man, shouting loudly and gesturing wildly with his hands.  "OMG!  Is someone injured?!?  Is everything okay?!?  Do I need to run screaming from the building and serve as a warning to all who might enter?" I thought... 

It was about that time that I realized said man appeared to be ignoring me entirely.  "Oh...  He's just a former patient of the crazy hospital that used to be on the premises.  I'll just steer clear, and I should be fine."  Then I noticed, nope.  The guy was on his super-fancy Bluetooth.  That's when I got a little irritated.  Excuse me, Mr. Bluetooth Hand-Talker Man, but do you not realize that you look like a complete MORON and that you are irritating the heck out of everyone around you?  I decided then and there that I would dedicate a blog post to Cell Phone Etiquette in the hope that I can spare the masses from people with irritating cellular habits.

"Cell Phone Etiquette 101"

• Please refrain from using wild gestures while talking on your hands-free device. - Yes, I realize you are using a "hands-free" device, but somehow I have a feeling that its makers did not intend the purpose of the design to be to free the user's hands for fist pumps, throwing "gangsta" signs, flapping one's arms like a birdie about to take flight, flipping the bird, moving in ways that look as though one is directing traffic, or any other such wildly dramatic upper body gestures.  YOU ARE ON THE PHONE!  The intended recipient of your ridiculous gesturing CAN NOT SEE YOU!!!

• If you MUST use a hands-free device, please refrain from showing off. - It never fails.  Users of cellular hands-free devices always feel the need to rub it in traditional cell phone users' faces by this pose...  Which, I might add, totally defeats the purpose of having a hands-free phone.  Once again, you look ridiculous!

• Pump up the volume...  NOT!!! - Stop talking so loud!!!  That whole, "Can you hear me now?" bit gets really annoying to everyone within a 100 yard radius as you are shouting into your phone.  If the person on the receiving end of the phone call can not hear you speaking in a calm, rational, non-intrusive to everyone else around you voice, perhaps the situation warrants the use of a (heaven forbid!) land line!!! 

• Use your words, people...  USE YOUR WORDS! - Texting is not an excuse for poor grammar, improper spelling, or lack of punctuation. I realize that it might take me a little longer to send a text message than the average user.  However, I can at least hold my head up high and proud knowing that I have successfully demonstrated my ability to use the written English language as it was intended.  I also maintain full confidence that the recipients of my messages can actually understand what I am trying to convey.  None of that, "brb b4 u can say gr8!" or other such nonsense for me!  Use your words, people...  Use your words.

• And last, but most certainly not least...  Please, for the love of all that is holy and good, when entering one of these:

DO NOT be talking on one of these...

Seriously people...  That is just WRONG on so very many levels!!!

I hope that this proves to be an educational tool for those of you who have grown additional appendages coming out of your hands or ears.  I am all for embracing change and advancements in technology, but when such advancements cause grown men to do things like this in public...   

...perhaps we should find something new for them to play with.  At the very least, there should be a disclaimer on the box stating something along the lines of, "Warning...  Use at your own risk.  Cellular devices tend to bring out the 'obnoxious' in people, and users might find themselves the targets of projectiles to the head."