Their Other Mothers...

When people ask me how many children I have, I tell them "three."  I am the forever mom of three amazing young people...  I have a beautiful, loving, compassionate, kind 20-year-old honorary daughter, and I have my boys, my Monkey and Bug, who bring me more joy and laughter and feelings of "mama bear" protectiveness than I ever thought possible.  Every day I look at my children in wonder and thank God for bringing them into my life in such an amazing way.  I am their "Mom," their "Mommy," and their "Mama."

My children have all come to me in different ways, but the one thing they all have in common is that I am not their only mother.  It sometimes surprises me how many times a day I find myself thinking of my children's birth moms and the different emotions those thoughts can trigger in me.  While feelings of anger and frustration sometimes come to the surface when I think of what ultimately brought my children to me, the most frequent emotions that I feel when thinking of my children's first moms are gratitude and sorrow.  Gratitude that they chose life for their children...  Plain and simple, but so unbelievably monumental.  And sorrow for my kids...  Sorrow for their birth mothers...  Just sadness in general that my children don't have the kind of relationships with their first moms that they were meant to have.

I think the passing of Monkey's birth mom late last year has made me even more cognizant of the connections that my children have to their first mothers (whether they ever had a relationship with them or not).  I love my children with everything that I am, and I want more than anything for them to be able to have healthy, safe, loving relationships with the women who gave them life.  Knowing that Monkey no longer has that chance breaks my heart.  I witnessed firsthand how much Monkey's mother loved him.  I saw her struggle to fight addictions, illness, and depression.  I saw her overcome.  I saw her relapse.  But through it all, I saw her love her baby, even if it was from afar.

I think of my children's first moms every time they do something that makes me laugh.  I think of their other mothers as I rock my boys to sleep or have deep, late night conversations with Heaven.  I think of the women who gave my children life every time they meet a milestone, every time I nurse them through an illness, every time they come to me for advice or comfort...  I think of those women every time I hear one of my kids call me "Mama," Mommy," or "Mom," and the bittersweet feelings of gratitude mixed with sorrow bubble up within me once again.

I am the forever mom of three amazing young people...  But I am not their only mother.  I pray every day that I am mindful of that and of the connection that my children will always have with their first moms.

Things I've Learned Along the Way (Part One)

When I first started fostering, I naively thought that the initial training I received would prepare me for what I would experience as a foster (and hopeful adoptive) parent.  Oh, how very, very wrong I was!  Over the past five years in Foster/Adopt Land, I have learned many valuable lessons along the way.  Some practical, some silly, and some very tough, emotionally draining ones...  I thought I'd share some of the lessons I've learned with all of you (broken into two separate posts so you don't get too overwhelmed), and hope that it helps some of you who are just beginning foster/adopt journeys of your own.

Attend court hearings if at all possible - One of the most frequently asked questions that I receive from new foster parents is regarding whether or not they should attend court.  My answer is a resounding "YES!"  In my experience, court is the one time and place where everyone involved in your child's case will be together in the same room.  I learn more in one day of court than I will over the course of the next three months simply because I have the opportunity to listen and speak to everyone involved.  It is also a great opportunity to work towards developing your relationship with your child's birth family (if it is safe to do so).

Be aware of how fostering affects everyone in your life - When I decided to become a foster parent, I knew that it would take an emotional toll on me and my immediate family.  I knew that the people who would grow to love my children would also experience the pain that foster care can bring.  However, I never really thought about how my decision to foster would affect my extended family, friends, co-workers, etc.  I have learned over the past five years that the people who truly care about me truly do care about my children as well whether they have the opportunity to develop a personal relationship with my little ones or not.  They become emotionally invested.  They experience my joy, my grief, my excitement, my stress, and every other emotion that being a foster parent brings.  They are invested because they love me and whether or not they ever actually get to meet my children, my decision to foster affects them.

Childcare - I had absolutely no idea that as a single, full-time working foster mom in my county (thank you, Allmypretty, for reminding me to include that!), daycare for my little ones is free!  Not one person at my agency or in CPS had mentioned it!  I had walked into a daycare that was recommended by a friend when I got Booger Bear (fully intending to use my entire monthly stipend and then some to pay for it) and started talking to the director.  She is the one who told me that daycare for foster children is free and was able to point me in the right direction.  If you know that you're going to need daycare for your little ones, tell their caseworker up front to help speed up the process.  Five years later, that same director is still one of my favorite people!  :-)

Don't be afraid to say "no" - As a new foster parent, I was terrified to rock the boat.  I did everything that CPS and my agency asked of me - no questions asked.  It got to the point that my entire life seemed to be controlled by foster care, and I was nearing my breaking point.  That's when a long-time foster mama friend told me, "It's okay to say 'no,' you know."  Really?!?  I can do that?!?  While there are many things that we can't control, we do have a say when it comes to how many of the foster care-related appointments and other random demands requests affect our lives.  I have learned that it's okay to say "No, I will not take off work all day and wait around for you to show up for a home visit only to have you arrive two hours late.  I will be home from 3:00-5:00.  You can come then."  I have learned that it's okay to say "No, I don't think that child would be a good fit for my family."  I have learned that it's okay to say, "Um, no...  I am not going to sign placement papers for the 17-year-old you just brought to my house when I was expecting a 17-month-old."  When it comes to placements, believe me they would much rather you say "no" up front than have the placement disrupted later on.  They won't hold it against you.

Expect the unexpected - I always say that the only thing that is certain about foster care is that nothing is certain.  Every single case is different.  There is absolutely no way to predict what might happen in a case.  Rules and laws are interpreted differently by everyone, and what might mean one thing to one judge means something entirely different to another.  The same goes for agencies, counties, workers, therapists, etc.  I have learned to answer new foster parents' questions with examples of what has happened in some of my cases and immediately follow up with "but there is no way to predict what will happen in your case."  You will save yourself a lot of stress headaches if you learn to accept that anything can happen at any given moment when you're living in Foster/Adopt Land.

FMLA - I had no idea that the placement of a foster child is a qualifying event for FMLA, and I use every bit of it.  I don't do the traditional "maternity leave" though.  I use it intermittently for foster care-related appointments, medical appointments and illnesses for my child, court dates, etc.  As long as you don't go over 90 days in a 12 month period, you're covered.

Give equal consideration to your heart AND your brain when making tough decisions - I can't stress this one enough!  I say that because I have a really hard time with it myself.  Foster parents tend to think solely with our hearts.  We jump in and say "yes" and worry about the consequences later.  Over the years, I have learned that thinking with my heart is wonderful, but I also need to listen to the voice of reason in my head.  It's there for a reason!  It's okay to follow your heart, but take your brain with you!

(and a second "G" because I thought of another one)

Well, SEMI Anonymous...  Lol.

Grief - "[I have learned that] there is a huge difference between sorrow and grief. I don't think I ever realized that until I lost [Booger Bear]. I expected to be sad when my foster children left my home. I expected pain and tears, but nothing could have ever prepared me for the all-consuming heartache and flood of emotions that encompassed me in the days and weeks after I lost [Booger Bear]. I was numb. My heart had a gaping hole that physically ached. My arms were empty where [my little boy] should have been. I did not leave my house or talk to anyone for days. I simply allowed myself to feel every emotion that washed over me; rage at CPS and the way they handled his case, denial that it was happening at all, fear for [Booger] and what might be in his future, and the suffering of a shattered heart."  (Modified excerpt from one of my chapters in Welcome to the Roller Coaster - Coming Soon)

Home visit cleaning - I wrote a post regarding what I have learned when it comes to preparing for home visits earlier this year.  Nearly five years after beginning my foster care journey, I have learned that as long as there are no blatantly obvious health or safety violations, we're good to go!  I usually have a pillow mountain and a ball pit in the middle of my living room floor.  The dishes and laundry are in a constant state of "almost" done as my mom and I tend to tag team the chores.  If a caseworker comes for a visit when Monkey is here, they spend the entire time being entertained by a 2-year-old bilingual attention hog as he pulls out every toy and book in the house to give them a rundown on what's what, usually all the while also fighting off a teething Bug who digs through their purses and chews on their hair.  By the time they leave, they're too flustered to remember that my "unmentionables" are in a pile on the dining room table!

Income taxes - Another question that I often receive from new foster parents is "How does fostering affect our taxes?"  What many caseworkers and agencies don't tell you is that if your foster child has lived with you for more than six months within the calendar year, you can claim your foster child as a dependent.  I would suggest filing early as often times the biological families try to claim the children as dependents as well, which can hold up your tax refund.  Also be aware that your monthly stipend is not taxable income, and is not considered income on your tax return.  That's the short answer.  The long and more technical answer to the tax code can be found here on Foster Ducklings blog.  She is a CPA and a foster parent and has done a good job explaining income taxes and foster care for those of us who don't like legal tax speak.  Lol.

Just because the caseworker asks you if you are adoption motivated, don't assume that means adoption is likely - I learned this lesson the hard way with my first long-term placement.  The caseworker, my agency, even his birth mom talked "adoption."  Sometimes I think they dangle the "adoption" word in front of foster-to-adopt homes just to keep us around.  That practice can be extremely difficult for parents who desperately want to adopt.  In the years since, every single caseworker my children have had has almost immediately asked me if I'd be willing to adopt them.  I have learned never to put any stock in "adoption" talk, and always look at each placement with the goal of reunification.  Period.  It has actually been surprisingly difficult for me to truly accept that Bug is going to be legally mine pretty soon, even though the "official" goal has always been "adoption by non-relative."

Know your limits - When you step into the world of Foster/Adopt Land, one of the very first questions they ask you is "What age, gender, race, behaviors, medical needs, number of children, etc. do you feel you are willing and able to accept?"  I have learned over the years that there is definitely a reason for that.  Foster parents' hearts are often much larger than our brains, and the thought of saying "no" to any child often seems inconceivable.  This is where you have to be honest with yourself and know what you can and can not handle.  Not just you as a parent, but your entire family...  It is much better to set limits when it comes to accepting placements than to get in over your head and potentially have to disrupt the placement later.  You will find that your abilities and family will grow and adjust with time as well, and it is perfectly acceptable to reevaluate as time goes on.

Learn to live in limbo - This is not an easy task for a task-oriented individual who very much likes to be in control.  Believe me.  I know!  Unfortunately, when you make the decision to become a foster parent, your life is no longer your own.  You live in a constant state of "hurry up and wait" with empty promises of "it'll be ready in two more weeks."  "Two weeks" seems to be the standard answer to most questions regarding how long something will take in Caseworker Speak.  Just be prepared to live in a constant state of limbo as you spend 99.9% of your time waiting for something...  waiting for "the call," waiting for answers, waiting for something productive to happen in your children's cases, waiting, waiting, waiting...

Make an effort to get to know your children's birth families and to become a resource for them if it is safe to do so - If you've been a long-time reader of this blog, I'm sure you know just how much this statement means to me.  I have my family solely because I reached out to my foster children's birth parents.  "So many times, we hear the horror stories of how children end up in foster care.  Horrific abuse cases are all over the news, and the general consensus among the public seems to be that children who end up in foster care are "better off" being adopted than returning home to their birthparents.  While that may be true in those drastic cases, what many people don't realize is that roughly 80% of all children in foster care are there due to neglect.  Neglect due to babies being born to teenaged parents who don't know how to properly care for them...  Neglect due to parents with drug or alcohol addictions...  Neglect due to parents with untreated mental illnesses...  Neglect due to financial hardships beyond their parents' immediate control...  Since I began fostering, all of my children have come from one or more of these situations.  Five of my seven were also returned into their birthparent(s)' care (four to their birthfathers) after they successfully completed their service plans." (excerpt from my guest post at Attempting Agape)

Advocate for parents who are doing well, as well as the child - When Monkey was able to return to his father's care, his dad told me, "Thank you for helping me get my son back sooner.  I know it was only possible because of you."  He was referring to my offer to continue to provide child care for Monkey while his dad was at work as he works nights, and finding nighttime care can be difficult.  When parents are doing well, following their service plans, and are really trying to do whatever it takes to bring their children home, I do everything in my power to get them longer or more frequent visits.  I try to encourage good transitions that include overnights in their home.  I try to get extra visits around holidays and birthdays.  What it boils down to is, advocating for my children's parents ultimately makes things easier for my babies as well.  It shows them that you are on their side and want to see them succeed as a family.  I think that knowing you are on their side helps develop a long-lasting relationship.  Parents don't feel that they are fighting another person for their child...  They are turning to you for support.

Stay tuned for Part Two of "Lessons I've Learned Along the Way" in the next couple of days!

Traumatized as a Child

As foster parents, we see the results of true trauma in our children.  It reminds me daily of how very fortunate I am that my scars are minuscule and were unintentionally inflicted.  Oh, I was traumatized alright!  Just not in the ways you might immediately think if you are in the foster parent mindset.

The Big Scary Barn

The Barn that Moo-ed - It looks innocent enough, right?  A fun little barn with cute little animals and farmers and such to entertain a young child for hours...  Not I, my friends!  That stinkin' barn let out a "moo" louder than fighter jet every time you opened the door.  If my animals couldn't fit in the hayloft, they just had to hang out in the elements because you'd better believe I wasn't about to let whatever giant monster cow that was hiding inside out of there!  Here I sit, a 38-year-old grown woman, and I'm having heart palpitations just thinking about it.

Oh, How Sweet...

The Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Movie - Sure...  Rudolph and his little girlfriend look all sweet and adorable.  They lure small children in with his shiny red nose and make them feel sorry for the poor little guy when the big reindeer make fun of him.  Just when you're feeling comfortable watching and are fully invested in cheering the sad and lonely mammal on despite the odd claymation setting, they throw this in your face!

What the HECK?!?

WHY?!?  Why would they DO that to unsuspecting little children?!?  That is seriously uncool.  To this day, I flip the channel to something else...  Anything else...  any time this made-for-television movie comes on.  That googly-eyed abominable snowman still gives me the heebie jeebies, and you'd better believe I will not be subjecting Bug and Monkey to this kind of childhood trauma.  Not ever!

The Face of Trauma in the Making

Spit-Cleaning - There are certain things that I swore I would never do to my children.  Licking my fingers to clean their faces was one of them.  I still remember the feeling of slimy fingers to my face as my mom scrubbed away at one thing or another.  I think she must have missed the memo declaring spit-cleaning must stop by the age of 2 (3 at the very latest) in order to ensure those memories remain locked away and never remembered.  I remember watching in horror as Ryan Seacrest did the unthinkable to Idol contestant Haley Reinhart one fateful evening and spit-cleaned red lipstick off of her face in front of millions on live television.  If that isn't trauma, I don't know what is!  I can almost guarantee that poor girl still has nightmares.  I know I do, and I haven't been spit-cleaned in well over thirty years!

Can't Believe I Did This to My Baby!

Yes, I was traumatized.  Fortunately, not enough to need psychiatric intervention...  I was lucky in that my mother never once took me to see Santa Claus at the mall.  "Lucky," you might question, "Don't all children want to see Santa?"  I urge you to take a look at what I did to poor Monkey for his first Christmas, and tell me if this looks like "he wanted to see Santa" to you.


What about you?  Do you have PTSD flashbacks from seemingly good things gone wrong from your early years?  Please tell me you do so I don't feel so weird about sharing mine!  Lol!

"Forever" Mom...

Today is National Adoption Day, and for many families today was a celebration.  It was a day to dress up in their Sunday best with their loved ones gathered around, stand in front of a judge, and after months (sometimes years) of waiting, be granted legal status as a permanent forever family.

Today was supposed to be that day for Bug and me...

When I first learned that Bug's adoption wouldn't be occurring today due to typical problems with red tape and paperwork, I was heartbroken.  I have been a foster parent for five years.  I have loved children with everything I had and let them go.  I have suffered loss.  I have mourned empty arms where my little ones should have been after they left my home.  I've been a mom for five years, but not one of my children is legally "mine."  I had myself a nice little pity party upon turning the calendar to November, seeing "Adoption Day" circled in red, and knowing that I would have to continue waiting to be a "forever mom" a little bit longer.

That's when it hit me like a tons of bricks.  I am a "forever mom!"

I have three amazing young people who know me only as "Mama," "Mommy," and "Mom."  I have a beautiful 20-year-old daughter who I never would have met had Booger Bear not been "mine" for a year.  Heaven is everything and more that I ever could have asked for in a daughter.  I have absolutely no doubt that Booger Bear was brought to me because the girl who would later become his mommy was meant to be the forever daughter of my heart.  She's a grown woman now...  a mother herself...  and I am so very thankful that she is a permanent part of my life.  There's no piece of paper telling us that it's "forever" - just a bond and the love that we know is there.

I have my 2 1/2-year-old Monkey who has been my whole world since he was two months old.  This little guy has brought me more joy, laughter, smiles, and love in the past two and a half years than I ever thought possible.  He has brought out a fierce "Mama love" inside of me that I never knew I could have.  His father and I work hard to give him the most normal and loving life possible, and I challenge anyone to ever tell him that I am not his "forever" Mommy.  I am the only Mommy he knows.  I am the Mommy who has kissed every hurt, snuggled before every bedtime, and put his favorite toys in Time-Out when he starts pitching fits because they won't do what he wants them to do.  There is no piece of paper telling us that it's "forever" - just a mutual understanding between his father and me and a shared love for an amazing little boy who needs us both. I am most definitely his "forever" Mommy, and for that I am eternally blessed.

And then there's my Bug...  He's my 14-month-old bundle of daredevil stubbornness with the most amazing smile and huge hazel eyes that you've ever seen.  This little one will soon be my only legal "forever," when his adoption is finalized (hopefully) before the new year, but he has been my forever son since I opened the door last December to a tiny barely 10-pound two-month-old with an "old soul" face.  He is the one who's going to give me a heart attack before the age of 40 due to his "have no fear" attitude and fierce determination to accomplish whatever task he is attempting at the moment.  This little Bug has a firm grip on my heart, and I am so thankful that he is going to be my first legal "forever."

So on this National Adoption Day, am reminded in the best of ways that I am a "forever mom!"  I might not have a signed piece of paper declaring that by a judge, but I have a blonde-haired Bug sawing logs in his crib, a laughing Monkey hugging my leg and asking "You want we sing 'Jesus Loves Me,' Mommy?" and an email from my amazing daughter just checking in with me today.  I am blessed!

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Enter Giveaway Here

Please check out the other foster/adoptive parents who have contributed to the National Adoption Awareness Month Blog Tour and Giveaway by clicking the photo above!

The Race is On

It's been two months since Bug was legally free for adoption, and not a darn thing has happened since!  I think I would have a lot more patience had they not dangled a National Adoption Day adoption in front of my face, but ever since the day that I turned the calendar to November and saw "Adoption Day" marked in red knowing that it's NOT going to happen that day, I've been a thorn in the backside of all of my caseworkers, supervisors, directors, etc.  Today, I decided to take matters into my own hands and create a "contest" of sorts between the different agencies and CPS to see who can get Bug's adoption finalized the fastest.  Could this be considered bribery?  Perhaps.  I call it being proactive!

I currently have emails into two different agencies and CPS directly (not so) patiently awaiting responses from someone...  ANYONE...  giving me some idea of who will actually be handling the homestudy portion of Bug's adoption.  Contestants in my little contest include:

1)  My agency - When I changed agencies last year in order to follow Nice Lady (aka. The Greatest Case Manager of All Time), I didn't realize that the new agency was not yet licensed for adoptions.  When it became clear early on that Bug's case was heading that way, we weren't all that concerned because the agency was just waiting to get its adoption contracts approved by licensing.  That was six months ago.  We are still waiting.

2)  Alternate Agency - My agency director (who is a foster parent through a different agency) spoke to the director there and asked her if it would be possible for her agency to license me strictly for adoption so I can finalize on Bug.  She said "Sure!  No problem!"  That was two months ago.  Nice Lady and I both asked again last week, and never received a reply.

3)  Bug's FAD Worker (DFPS Adoption Worker) - I have spoken to him one time since Bug's case was transferred to him.  I know he's swamped with National Adoption Day coming up, but it sure would be nice to know what (if anything) I can do to speed this along!

Potential prizes for whoever gets me my baby the fastest may or may not include one or more of the following:

1)  My initial thought was a cash prize, but then I realized that DFPS might frown upon that.  No money will exchange hands, but no one said anything about a generous donation that might include:

2)  Office supplies!  I know that my agency workers all end up having to buy their own office supplies.  I'd be willing to bet they'd be doing a happy dance of joy if some generous benefactor (or grateful adoptive mother) were to bestow upon them a multitude of Sharpies, notebooks, mechanical pencils, gel pens, binder clips, etc!

3)  Training videos created after 2010!  I have been with three different agencies.  I have seen the same video of the boy destroying the rose bushes and his foster mom in her plaid wool skirt and button-up, long-sleeved, ruffled blouse at all three agencies over the past five years.  If I have seen that video five times, can you imagine how many times the agency workers have had to watch that thing!?!  I do believe the promise of a fashion-forward training video might just be enough to sway one of them into doing my bidding.

4)  My services in the organization and paperwork department!  I have been with three agencies over the past five years, and every one of them have asked me to train their foster parents in paperwork, organization, and time management.  Get me my kid, and I'll have plenty of spare time to lead those training sessions...  Just sayin'...

5)  Cookies!  When all else fails, you can never go wrong with the promise of sweets.  :-)


So I sent Nice Lady an email earlier today telling her about my scathingly brilliant idea and letting her know that the game is on!  I have no idea if it will lead anywhere, but a little proactive maneuvering never hurt anything, right?

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!

*** UPDATE - In the midst of writing this post, I received messages from ALL THREE of the contestants within approximately fifteen minutes of each other.  I think they must have heard about my little contest.  I guess now we'll just see who gets me my baby the fastest and becomes the lucky winner of some awesome free-flow ink highlighters!  Apparently office supplies talk in the not-for-profit world of Foster/Adopt Land!  ;-) ***