I just received a question from a new reader and hopeful new foster parent, and I wanted to ask all of you. Not having other children in my home, I'm not really familiar with the requirements.
Question posted with permission from new reader, Shelly:
"I have run into a snag and I'm looking for some input. My husband and I have 9 children, 4 are grown and have moved out. We currently have 5 at home, their ages range from 4-12. Three of my 5 have neuro deficits such as bipolar, aspergers, adhd, sensory processing disorder and tourettes. All three of them rec'd the recommended vaccinations. My last two are vaccine free and have NO neuro problems whatsoever. My husband and I made this choice years ago and are happy with it.
My husband and I decided to pursue fostering and have put much thought into the decision. We recently started our classes and are excited for this journey. In reviewing the packet, I found that all children (bio and otherwise) are required to be fully vaccinated. I phoned the licensing specialist and she told me it is required and there is no waiver allowed; it is a deal breaker. I'm in knots over this and quite frankly, I'm not sure what to do. I could of course, have my children start the vaccination schedule, but I'm worried sick they will be affected. Have you encountered this with other parent that you connect with?"
This weekend I had a sudden urge to pull out my stash of baby/toddler clothes and organize it because I've accumulated several tubs since the last time I'd done it. I decided the "easiest" thing to do would be to empty everything and start from scratch. After dumping out a dozen 66 gallon storage tubs, I surveyed the mess and thought, "Houston, I clearly have a problem! Hi. My name is "Mimi," and I am a baby clothes hoarder."
I love going through my baby clothes! As I look at each little outfit, I remember my babies and things they did in those cute little rompers, onesies, and dresses. I look at some that my kiddos haven't had a chance to wear yet, and am dying to fill them up. I spent a good eight hours sorting, labeling, and reorganizing. I went and bought additional storage bins because I know that I have more clothes on the way thanks to Heaven and Christy (Banana, Pooper, and Butterfly have all outgrown their 12-month stuff so it's all headed back to me!). I worked and worked. ...and then I hit the second nursery!
I set up the new changing station. I arranged for the apartment maintenance guys to haul the new crib to my place (UPS delivered it to the apartment office because I wasn't home). I sorted toys. I located the crib bedding and other decorative stuff that I plan on using for that room. And that's when I realized... I do believe I am "nesting."
I have a tendency to do this a week or two before a new kiddo comes into my life, so we'll see! I've been pretty happy with the "easy" life right now, so I haven't really been in a huge hurry to change it. I get Monkey four nights/mornings a week. I get to be Mama without all of the stress. I get to spend the weekends with my other kids and be Mimi and mom. I get to sleep in on the weekends!!! Things are easy and stress free! But... I am clearly "nesting." So I guess that means...
I am ready for hectic mornings, sleepless nights, "sibling" rivalry, trips to the doctor, CPS caseworkers, CASA, ridiculous amounts of paperwork, and the roller coaster of emotions that is Foster/Adopt Land.
BRING ON THE BABY!!!
(Because goodness knows, I am at least well-prepared in the clothing department. ;-)
*** Sidenote - Don't forget to join our Foster/Adopt Blog Hop! Lots of great bloggers out there, and lots of support from our online foster friends...***
I've done this once before... A "Day in the Life" post told in photos... So much has changed since then, so I thought I'd do another one! One photo every waking hour in an attempt to document just what exactly it is that I do all day. :-)
An Ordinary Weekday in Photos...
(Wednesday, July 18th, 2012)
7:00am
A lot has changed over the past year,
but one thing has stayed the same...
I still get to wake up to THIS smiling face
four mornings a week!
Another good change..
This time you get to see his WHOLE FACE!!!
:-)
And a second pic just because he's so cute... ;-)
8:35am
Caffeine...
You make my heart sing...
You make everything... Groovy...
Caffeine!!!
(And a blackberry cream cheese kolache doesn't hurt either! ;-)
9:20am
Why yes, that phone bill does say "Page 2 of 1581."
and guess who gets to reconcile it!!!
Fun times in Accounts Payable...
10:20am
Fairly certain I just felt my heart skip a beat when I opened this email...
Kid-to-Kid's Fill-a-Bag Clearance Sale this Friday!!!
Bargain shopping... Oh, how I love thee!
11:00am
I have these awesome little signs that I use at the office.
I needed them today around 11:00am
when the most mind-numbingly exhausting person in the company
came up to our office and proceeded to spend a good
10-15 minutes attempting to ask us a math question.
I say "attempting" because even she didn't know what she wanted!
I wanted to use this subtle sign,
but I doubt she would have gotten the clue.
(Although I'm pretty sure that was an accurate
depiction of our faces while she was talking...)
12:15pm
Home for lunch...
Monkey's favorite part of the day where he stands
in front of my mom and me and begs for food
like a starving baby bird.
Nevermind that he has just finished his own full meal
not fifteen minutes before I arrived!
Hee-hee...
Someone wasn't overly fond of the Sugar Free pineapple popsicle
that Mama so graciously offered to share.
1:00pm
The aftermath and devastation left in the wake of
Hurricane Monkey...
And this is only ONE ROOM!
The rest of the house is just as bad.
Perhaps I might qualify for FEMA assistance?
2:30pm
A quick wardrobe change after squirting soap all over my other shirt,
and I am back at work and ready for snack time!
A vendor brought our department a huge cooler stuffed with
an assortment of ice cream yesterday, and this is Day Two's afternoon snack.
(...and we all wonder why we just can't seem to lose weight up here...)
3:00pm
Paying bills...
Paying lots of bills...
I thought I'd be nice and not force you to look at them though.
Instead, I leave you with a picture of my computer's desktop.
Monkey in his 4th of July outfit...
You may thank me later.
4:00pm
My co-workers all deserted me by 4:00pm,
so I decided to get a little mischievous after they left.
Every day, without fail, one of them inevitably heads downstairs
to the breakroom for lunch only to come back upstairs three minutes later
to get some important item that they had forgotten.
I thought I'd be a total smartassa really helpful friend
and make "Daily Lunch Checklists"
to attach to their "Gone to Lunch" signs for them.
They'll be in for a pleasant (and ever-so-helpful) surprise
tomorrow come lunchtime!
5:35pm
The obligatory construction warning sign on the way home
from work telling us that they've basically decided to turn
the road into a spirograph.
I believe they had to have this particular sign specially made,
but it appears to be missing a few details.
Something like this would have been more fitting:
6:00pm
Quick nap for Mama before Monkey arrives!
7:30pm
Looks like Tommie had the same idea... :-)
8:30pm
Let the Tickle Time begin!!!
Bedtime snuggles and giggles with Mama...
I'd say somebody loves me... :-)
8:55pm
Fighting hard to stay awake...
9:00pm
Pretty sure it's a losing battle for Mr. Monkey Man...
9:05pm
...and he's out!!!
(Snuggled up on top of Mr. Bunny and hugging Puppy Dog)
9:30pm
Bubble bath for Mama!!!
But I will be kind, and spare you that visual...
Again... You are welcome. ;-)
10:05pm
Catching up on "So You Think You Can Dance..."
Yes, I realize this isn't a photo.
It's not even from this season!
But it's one of my all-time favorites,
so I thought I'd share.
12:00am
Bedtime!
:-)
So there it is in all of its super-exciting glory! A typical weekday in the life of Mimi... Gonna have to do a weekend one of these days so you can see all of my awesome kids. ;-) You guys should try this one of these days too. It's kind of fun looking back and seeing how things change in your ordinary days.
When I first decided to foster, I went into it with the hope of being able to adopt one of my kiddos. During our initial training, they played up that "most foster parents get to adopt within the first 3-5 placements." Three and half years and six kiddos later, I have yet to be able to adopt, but I am surprisingly okay with that. Most of my kiddos tend to stay even after they go home, and I've picked up a few others along the way! :-) Still, I'd love to be able to be a legal, forever parent to a child. To know that I'll be the one calling the shots and making the rules. To be able to do the "PTA Mom" thing, graduation, weddings, etc... To not always have that nagging little fear in the back of my mind that despite having great relationships with my kids' parents, I could still lose them...
So why on earth am I completely freaking out now that there's a possibility that I might actually be able to adopt this baby girl?!? "Freaking out" like anxiety attack "freaking out..." This is what I've wanted my entire adult life! So why? Now that there is a little glimmer of a possibility... Why I am scared out of my ever-lovin' mind?!?
It's nowhere near a "sure thing," but still when I allow myself to sit and really think about it, my palms sweat, my heart races, I can't catch my breath, and I hit full-blown panic attack mode within 60 seconds! And I have absolutely no idea why!
Is it because of the "permanency" of the whole thing? I tend to freak out signing a 12-month lease or purchasing large appliances so making a lifetime commitment to an actual human being can certainly be scary. Is it the fact that I would ultimately be solely responsible for the emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being of this impressionable little girl? Gee! No pressure there!!! Is it the financial aspect? Kids are expensive, and trying to raise them on one income and be able to give them the things that I want for them isn't going to be easy.
I'm hopeful that this is a completely natural reaction. I suppose it might be similar to what it would be if I found out I was pregnant as a single mom. (Well, not exactly similar seeing as how I had a hysterectomy seven years ago. I have a feeling my reaction to that might be slightly different... like suing the poo out of my OBGYN for starters!) But the fears would be the same... I think all parents have some fears or concerns bringing a new child into their life. So I am going to choose to believe that my little hyperventilating panic attacks are simply "pregnancy" symptoms. That's reasonable! Right? Please tell me that I'm not the only person who has ever freaked out about possibly becoming a forever and ever and ever parent! Pretty please?
I've recently seen quite a bit of discussion regarding foster parents working with private agencies verses working directly with their State or County offices. There are pros and cons to each, and I know that every state does things differently. For today's "Foster Friday," I thought I'd tell you about my personal experience here in the Lone Star State, and ask all of you about your experiences.
When I first decided to look into foster care, an agency near my parents' house held an informational meeting with representatives from a few of the area's private agencies as well as one from DFPS. At the time, I was eager to get started, and I chose to go with the agency that was close to my parents' house simply because they were nearby and starting the required training classes the following week. I should have done my homework though. I ended up leaving the agency after Booger Bear left. They were a nightmare, and I was so fed up that I just relinquished my license rather than have to deal with them another day.
Calling and demanding that I take off work to drive Angel to appointments (apparently, no one else was allowed to do it), but not speaking to me at all while I was there.
A staff therapist who I highly suspect was high half of the time who told my 16-year-old foster daughter that she should send her to a Residential Treatment Center because she (the therapist) "didn't know what she was doing because she didn't usually work with teens!"
Requiring me to sign a safety plan that in essence forced me to be in two different places at once.
Expressing their "concern" that Angel didn't have a job or participate in any extracurricular activities and then getting angry when I asked just when exactly she was supposed to do that considering they had her booked solid with CPS and agency-related appointments every single day of the week.
And the list goes on and on and on...
When I decided that I really did miss fostering and wanted to start again, I knew that I needed to take my time and figure out the best option for me when it came to choosing another agency or working directly with DFPS. I asked other foster parent friends for their opinions on their agencies and referrals. I researched online and narrowed my choices down to two agencies and DFPS directly. Then I contacted all three. I ended up weighing pros and cons, but my decision ultimately came down to the fantastic response time and great communication that I received from my current agency when I was trying to get the ball rolling again. After nearly two years with them, I am so happy I made the decision that I did. Sure, there are times when I want to pull my hair out, but overall they have been awesome and a huge support system for me and my kids.
For me, the pros of working through a private agency (my current one that is) have outweighed the cons.
They are there for me (the foster parent) as well as the kids. They do the "dirty work" by taking the time to track down documents, information, etc. that I need for my kiddos so I can just be the parent. They have argued with Medicaid for me. They have hounded caseworkers for information. They have commiserated with me during those times when I've been overwhelmed and frustrated. They are there when I say both "hello" and "goodbye" to the children who come in and out of my life.
They help me keep my license by reminding me of deadlines for required training classes, keeping on top of required paperwork, and letting me vent away without repercussion when things get too crazy.
They are a great resource for information on discounts, reimbursements, charities, etc. for foster families. Goodness knows, every little bit helps!
Because their caseloads are much smaller than those of DFPS workers, they are much easier to reach. Their response times are usually much faster as well. Anyone who's ever had an Invisible CPS Caseworker of their own can appreciate how awesome it is to be able to actually reach the person you want to speak to.
The only real downsides that I've been able to see when it comes to licensing through a private agency rather than straight through DFPS have been:
It's just one more person having to make monthly visits to your home every month. But, let's be honest... What's one more person when you already have a revolving door of caseworkers and CASAs anyway? Sometimes it's the only adult conversation that we get!
Agencies often have stricter rules and regulations for their homes on top of the State's Minimum Standards. Many of the Minimum Standards are subject to interpretation, and most agencies prefer to err on the side of caution.
Extra paperwork... And if your agency has an OCD anal-retentive type director like mine, there will belots of extra paperwork. For some people, that might be a deal-breaker. Fortunately, I'm a slightly OCD anal-retentive type as well, so while I don't necessarily like all of the extra paperwork, I don't have any trouble keeping up with it.
So that's my two cents on the agency vs. State debate. What about all of you? What have your experiences been like? How do you feel about your agency and/or relationship with your State office? I'd love to hear from you!
When I turned 35 a couple of years back, I began to notice a distinct shift in my ads on F@cebook. What were previously links to exotic travel locales and fantastic shopping locations changed to ads for AARP and weight loss medication seemingly overnight. Call me crazy, but I thought that I had at least a few good years left before I neared retirement!
Within a week, I had received scores of ads which would give even the most secure, self-assured individual a complex:
"For Women Over 35 with Stubborn Belly Fat"
"For Middle-Aged Chunky Women Looking for Love"
"Vitamin Supplements for Women Over 35"
Ads for that special yogurt that "regulates your digestive system" - WITH A COUPON!
Products for the "Mature Woman Over 35"
"Middle-Aged and STILL Single?"
Ads for life insurance and discounts for creating and/or updating your will
My personal favorite was the stalking of the underarm hair laser removal ad. It followed me for days, popping up on every page. Just what exactly were they trying to say?!? I was pretty sure I was offended. After having a nightmare that I had the underarm hair of a Sasquatch one night, I sent out a desperate plea to Mr. F@cebook Ad Man.
"Okay, Mister! You need to STOP IT! Yes, I am 35. My life is not over! No, I can not braid my armpit hair! Yes, I am 'still' single. No, I am not 'desperately looking for love.' Yes, I 'have stubborn belly fat,' but I've had that for the past 20 something years. Where were you then, Mr. F@cebook Ad Man?!? Where were you then?!? If I get one more ad for 'middle-aged chunky girls looking for love' you and I are gonna have words. And not nice words at that!"
I knew that my desperate pleas must have been heard because the next time I logged onto my computer, the offending ads had been replaced by an advertisement for pole dancing classes! Now that's what I'm talking about!!! This "chunky middle-aged girl's" still got it! I can totally get down with some pole dancing classes! So I click on the ad...
"This Month's Special - Discounted Classes for Women Over 35!!!"
When I first decided to foster Booger's teen birthmom, I knew I was going to have to find inventive ways to keep tabs on her. I'm a full-time working mom, and I couldn't be there 24/7. I very quickly discovered the importance of the cell phone. Yes, that stinkin' thing was literally in her hand 24 hours of the day and drove me to the point of near insanity, but that fact also gave me a powerful parenting tool. A teen and her cell phone... A precious bond... A precious bond that I could use to my advantage... *** Insert evil laugh *** ;-)
Step one in "Operation Wireless Stalker Mama" was to learn the lingo. You can't beat them at their own game if you can't understand a "word" they're saying. I am pleased to say that I eventually successfully mastered the language of Teen Speak, and can now carry on a conversation with the best of them. (Speaking of, I should probably update my resume while I'm thinking about it now that I am bilingual and all...) LET THE SPY GAMES BEGIN!!! *** Insert another evil laugh just because I can! ***
Step two - Observation. I spent several days observing my subject (aka. Angel) in order to discover how best to use this cell phone thing to my advantage. It was abundantly clear that my first line of attack would be threats and bribery when necessary. Anyone who sleeps with the cell phone in hand has an obvious addiction . One threat of loss of said device will usually result in a total 180 in negative behavior. If not, the best method of removal is to take the SIM card and/or the battery out and hand the unusable phone back to the offender. It's kind of humorous watching them longingly stare at the blank screen. That's where the bribery comes in... "Clean your room and you can have your SIM card back." You might be surprised how quickly that bed gets made!
Step three in utilizing cell phones as a parenting tool involves making good use of your online cell phone account. It is amazing what all you can discover when you take full advantage of all of the features that come with managing your account online! Want to know who your kid could possibly be talking to 24/7? Just go online and you'll know exactly who she's talking to. I programmed all of her frequently used numbers straight onto the account for quick and easy reference. Don't recognize a number? Call it. Think your teen isn't being completely honest with you when they say, "So and so wants to know if I can come over..." Just go online and see who she's actually been talking to.
I also got really smart and activated the GPS tracker. I knew there was no way she was going to part with that phone, and she wasn't about to turn it off or the withdrawals would set in. I could easily go online and track her location at any time. Stalker-ish? Perhaps. But I knew where my kid was, and more importantly, I knew whether or not she was where she was supposed to be. I always knew if she was up to something when there was unusual activity on her phone ("unusual activity" as in no activity. There was always activity on her phone, so if there was a lull, I knew to investigate. ;-).
I'll be the first to admit that I made a ton of mistakes when it came to parenting Angel. I was in way over my head and had no clue what I was doing. It was definitely a learning experience. I learned a lot of lessons the hard way though, and I kind of feel bad for the next teenager who comes to live with me (if I ever get brave and actually let one move in, that is). They'd better really like their new mom, because I have a feeling they'll be spending the vast majority of their time in my company. ;-) But during those times when I can't be with them, I'll know that I have my handy-dandy secret spy weapon at my disposal. Cell phones ROCK!!!
It's been a while since I've done a giveaway, so I thought that now would be the perfect time! Who doesn't like free stuff, right? Trippin' just hit 100 "Likes" on FB, and I didn't even have to bribe anyone with a giveaway! ;-)
To enter, simply leave a comment here or on F@cebook about lifebooks, openness with your foster/adopted children, etc. Specifically looking for tips and/or your personal experiences...
Jennifer (aka. Mama Lark) is the proud mother of three beautiful children - all adopted from foster care. She is a Foster Parent Ambassador, and also serves on the board of Families Supporting Adoption. She enjoys semi-open relationships with her children's birthmothers while working hard to maintain healthy boundaries. She recently has added two new children to her next... and they are working towards settling down as a family unit. Her hobbies include: her "Hubster," photography, blogging, PINTEREST, and of course, spending time with her cute kiddos. Follow Jennifer's journey at "The Lark's Nest."
"Openness About Life Stories"
By: Jennifer (aka. Mama Lark)
My beautiful children are all products of foster care. They all have lackluster histories with stories that would horrify most any typical American. Does that make THEM bad? No. Does it make their life stories bad? No. It makes them strong... and it makes their stories reflect that strength. They come from backgrounds that were tough, and from parents who were also products of the foster system. It's sad to see that cycle in your everyday life. I think sharing my children's history with them shows them that there is NOTHING about their background that I can't handle. I love them UNCONDITIONALLY.
I am a strong believer in "Lifebooks." My children have continuous availability to their stories. They just pull their special book off the shelf. The stories are memorized, and it helps prepare them for tough questions when they grow up. Those gutwrenchers like, "They aren't your REAL family" or "Why didn't your REAL MOM want you?" They will know without a blink that they have the answers to those questions that would make anyone else cringe.
Talking openly about adoption is the easy part! My kids LOVE knowing that Superman was adopted. They think it's THE coolest. But, how do you talk about the hard things that have happened in their little lives?!? My only answer is: HONESTLY!
"Hear me out in terms of reasons to be open from the start: #1 - It never gets easier. The longer you wait, the worse it feels. #2 - You run the risk of someone else telling your child the "secret." #3 - Your child picks up on your guilt. #4 - By sharing the facts early on, it means that you NEVER jeopardize your child's trust in you." ~ Beth O'Malley (author of Lifebooks: Creating a Treasure for the Adopted Child)
We all have a story, and we are all entitled to know about our past. I just ask myself frequently, "Would I be upset if this was hidden from me?"
It's really not super easy to explain to my children that they were born addicted to more drugs than I knew existed. We try very hard to explain everything at an age appropriate time/level. My girls have always known they were removed from their Tummy Mommy's custody because she was making unsafe choices. Well, when my 6-year-old was learning about drugs at school, it opened that piece of her history up for conversation. I am ALWAYS listening and looking for opportunities to share more about her history at times when it will make logical sense to her.
"Remember how we told you that your Tummy Mommy was making unsafe choices? Well, some of those choices had to do with drugs. Your teacher told you how hard it is for people that use drugs to stop using them, right? That was exactly what happened with your Tummy Mommy. She started using them, and they made it hard for her to make good choices. That is when you came into foster care. You needed to be safe while she was not."
My children will never have to wonder about their biological families. They will never really have an opportunity to imagine them as more than they are, because we are forthcoming with every bit of their history. I feel it's been extremely healthy for my children when it comes to forming attachments to my husband and me. They KNOW they can ask us any question, and we will provide them with some sort of an answer. It makes our family strong, and it makes their self worth grow more with each of these interactions.
By no means am I an expert, but I do feel like I have something to share. I hope that my thoughts help you find peace in sharing your children's histories.
Foster/Adopt Land is a funny place. Everything moves at the speed of light... Until it doesn't. Then you get absolutely nothing for months. After hearing absolutely nothing regarding the girls for 2 1/2 months, I had pretty much decided that their situation had changed and they weren't going to move them after all. I was totally okay with that. One thing I've learned over the past few years is to not get my hopes up and count on anything until it actually happens when it comes to Foster/Adopt Land. I had moved on and was preparing my new place for my next foster kiddo. But as we all know, things can change quickly here, and that is exactly what happened one night last week.
It was my first Monkey-free night for the week, and I had just settled down to catch up on my shows when my phone rang. It was my "foster care ringtone" (Temporary Home by Carrie Underwood). I wasn't expecting that because I haven't given the go-ahead for new placements just yet, but when I looked at the caller ID, it was The Invisible One. I swear, the woman was impossible to get ahold of when she was Monkey's caseworker, but now that he's officially no longer in my home, I hear from her fairly regularly. It was a very hurried phone call, but the gist was that the girls' caseworker has finally decided that she wants to move them into a foster/adopt home as a legal risk placement. I was told to contact their GAL the next morning for details.
I got to work on Friday and immediately called the girls' attorney to catch up. The situation is still the same... TPR scheduled for October for the younger sister and older half sister might be going to her bio father and/or his family. She gave me the contact information for the girls' caseworker and told me to have my agency send over my homestudy ASAP. I spent the rest of the day messaging back and forth with my agency, The Invisible One, and the girls' caseworker, and the last I heard was that the caseworker was looking forward to reading my homestudy. There is one other family who has gotten in early (before the caseworker sends out a broadcast email asking for potential homes), but it's definitely nice to know that I have other people on my side.
So it's now been a week since that crazy busy day of communication, and we are back to the "everything is once again at a standstill" place. I'm still okay with it. Whatever is supposed to happen will happen.
I've never been much of a "girly girl." Cotton candy pink and lace tend to make me want to run screaming for the hills. But when I think of the possibility of having two little girls running circles around me in my home, I start thinking in shades of magenta, tea parties, and playing dress-up. Do I see ribbons and hairbows, dresses and curls in my future? I sure hope so! If not these girls, I do believe I'll be instructing my agency to "think pink" when it comes to my next placement. :-)
