Cell Phone Etiquette 101

As I was walking into work the other day, I came upon a very disturbing sight.  A nicely dressed man, shouting loudly and gesturing wildly with his hands.  "OMG!  Is someone injured?!?  Is everything okay?!?  Do I need to run screaming from the building and serve as a warning to all who might enter?" I thought... 

It was about that time that I realized said man appeared to be ignoring me entirely.  "Oh...  He's just a former patient of the crazy hospital that used to be on the premises.  I'll just steer clear, and I should be fine."  Then I noticed, nope.  The guy was on his super-fancy Bluetooth.  That's when I got a little irritated.  Excuse me, Mr. Bluetooth Hand-Talker Man, but do you not realize that you look like a complete MORON and that you are irritating the heck out of everyone around you?  I decided then and there that I would dedicate a blog post to Cell Phone Etiquette in the hope that I can spare the masses from people with irritating cellular habits.

"Cell Phone Etiquette 101"

• Please refrain from using wild gestures while talking on your hands-free device. - Yes, I realize you are using a "hands-free" device, but somehow I have a feeling that its makers did not intend the purpose of the design to be to free the user's hands for fist pumps, throwing "gangsta" signs, flapping one's arms like a birdie about to take flight, flipping the bird, moving in ways that look as though one is directing traffic, or any other such wildly dramatic upper body gestures.  YOU ARE ON THE PHONE!  The intended recipient of your ridiculous gesturing CAN NOT SEE YOU!!!

• If you MUST use a hands-free device, please refrain from showing off. - It never fails.  Users of cellular hands-free devices always feel the need to rub it in traditional cell phone users' faces by this pose...  Which, I might add, totally defeats the purpose of having a hands-free phone.  Once again, you look ridiculous!

• Pump up the volume...  NOT!!! - Stop talking so loud!!!  That whole, "Can you hear me now?" bit gets really annoying to everyone within a 100 yard radius as you are shouting into your phone.  If the person on the receiving end of the phone call can not hear you speaking in a calm, rational, non-intrusive to everyone else around you voice, perhaps the situation warrants the use of a (heaven forbid!) land line!!! 

• Use your words, people...  USE YOUR WORDS! - Texting is not an excuse for poor grammar, improper spelling, or lack of punctuation. I realize that it might take me a little longer to send a text message than the average user.  However, I can at least hold my head up high and proud knowing that I have successfully demonstrated my ability to use the written English language as it was intended.  I also maintain full confidence that the recipients of my messages can actually understand what I am trying to convey.  None of that, "brb b4 u can say gr8!" or other such nonsense for me!  Use your words, people...  Use your words.

• And last, but most certainly not least...  Please, for the love of all that is holy and good, when entering one of these:

DO NOT be talking on one of these...

Seriously people...  That is just WRONG on so very many levels!!!

I hope that this proves to be an educational tool for those of you who have grown additional appendages coming out of your hands or ears.  I am all for embracing change and advancements in technology, but when such advancements cause grown men to do things like this in public...   

...perhaps we should find something new for them to play with.  At the very least, there should be a disclaimer on the box stating something along the lines of, "Warning...  Use at your own risk.  Cellular devices tend to bring out the 'obnoxious' in people, and users might find themselves the targets of projectiles to the head."

Toilet Paper Etiquette 101

Random Rambling #1 - "Toilet Paper Etiquette 101"

As I journey evermore closely towards my lifelong goal of motherhood, I have become increasingly philosophical and introspective. What truly matters? What's really important? After serious contemplation, I've come to realize that one of the most important things in the world has, quite sadly, been neglected by millions...

... Toilet paper etiquette ...

We all have little pet peeves that drive us crazy, but I'll bet you didn't know that something as mundane as toilet paper could quite literally send people into fits of frenzy. I speak from experience. In my thirty-four years, I have not only been on the receiving end of "Toilet Paper Rage," I have also developed my own theory on proper "Toilet Paper Etiquette." I have, of course, prepared a list for future reference. Feel free to post it in your home bathrooms or in public restrooms everywhere. :-)

"Toilet Paper Etiquette 101"

1. Always have a backup roll within reach! - Personally, I think this would be common sense to anyone stocking bathroom supplies. How many times have you neglected to check the readily-available toilet paper supply before it was "too late?" What is one supposed to do if the extra toilet paper is stored in the hall closet? I'd hate to be a guest at that party!
2. Never cut costs by buying cheap toilet paper. - Trust me, you and your guests will thank me for this one. Yes, in these tough economic times, we are always looking for ways to save money. But believe me when I say it's just not worth it. Cut costs somewhere else... Like by buying store brand canned vegetables or eating lots of rice... Clip coupons for crying out loud! But stick with the super absorbent, double ply, quilted triple rolls when it comes to the barrier between your bum and, well, you know. That single ply sandpaper stuff just doesn't get the job done.
3. Develop the habit of putting the toilet paper on the roll the same direction every time. - Now, I have to admit, I never gave this one a second thought until college. One of my best friends pretty much lived at our apartment, and he shared the hall bathroom with my roommate. After a year of hearing his theory on why the toilet paper must come over the top of the roll, and hearing her complain because he was constantly griping at her for putting it on "the wrong way," I have spent the past 14 years terrified of doing just that. I suppose it doesn't really matter which way it goes... over the top, on the bottom... His main point was that "you should be able to get up in the middle of the night and not have to open your eyes to find the end of the toilet paper. If you always have the end over the top of the roll, it's always there for you. It will never let you down."
4. If you do use the last of the toilet paper, change out the roll! - You wouldn't think this would be that difficult. It takes all of three seconds to pop off the holder, discard the empty roll, and put on a new one (especially if you have followed Rule #1 and have a backup roll within reach). But I swear, I must be the only person on the planet who is capable of this mind-boggling task! There is nothing more irritating than reaching for the toilet paper only to discover an empty roll on the holder, and three mostly-used rolls sitting on the back of the toilet or on the counter 4 inches from the empty holder. I've decided that my family has some secret pact to never change the toilet paper just because they know it drives me insane!
5. Perhaps most importantly... Don't be lazy when the end is near! - I can't tell you how many times I've gone into a bathroom, saw that there was toilet paper on the roll, only to discover that whoever had used it last had left only enough squares on the roll to circle it once just so they could say, "I didn't use the last of the toilet paper!" That's more irritating than if they had used all of it! It's not fun attempting to salvage enough useful toilet tissue off of the part that stuck to the glue on the cardboard.

Toilet Paper Rage is not pretty, and it can be avoided if these five simple guidelines of Toilet Paper Etiquette are followed. Please do your part to help make the world a better place.