Growing Up "Country"

I grew up in a small town out in the sticks.  The kind of place where it took twenty minutes to get to a road that wasn't made of dirt and gravel...  Where everyone knew everyone and the majority of the town was comprised of three main families.  Chances are, you or your best friends were related to at least one of them.  Country living had its perks, and I wouldn't change a thing about growing up in a small town, but there were times when the "city girl" of my early childhood proved that she was still alive and kickin' in me.

It happened one afternoon when I was in college.  My parents had left that morning to go out of town for the week, and I had come to spend the weekend at the house so my 17-year-old sister wouldn't be alone.  I remember it clearly...  I was in the living room when Christy came running out of the bathroom.

"Oh my gosh!  You have GOT to go look in the toilet!!!"

My first reaction was to look at her as if she had lost her mind.  "Aren't you a little old for that, Christy?"  I mean, toddlers are all about having people look at what they've done in the potty, but Christy was 17-years-old!  I told her I'd take her word for it.

"No!  I'm serious!  You have got to go look in the toilet."

Source

I rolled my eyes and grudgingly made my way into the restroom.  The lid was down, and I just knew she was playing a horrible joke on me at this point.  I looked at her and ever-so-slowly lifted the lid when I saw exactly why she came running out of the bathroom in a frenzy.  Spread out along the inside of the toilet bowl was a Gigantic Toad of Massive Proportions!  (If I knew the HTML to make that statement blink in neon colors, I would do it in order to stress the seriousness of the situation.)  I swear, the thing was huge!  And I just knew he was coming after us.

"City Girl" let out a shriek that would call dogs, slammed the lid back down, and if I remember correctly, put something on top of it in order to prevent the massive beast from opening the lid and getting loose in the house.  Then Christy asked me what I was going to do about it.

"What I'm going to do about it?!?  Why me?!?  You found it!!!"

"You're the oldest."  (Figures she would have chosen this exact moment to solidify my place of authority over her. ;-)

My first thought was to call my grandparents.  They lived across the street and had chickens and horses and stuff, so they were more "country" than we were.  But they weren't there!!!  I will admit that I was highly tempted to call my parents and have them come home.  They hadn't been gone that long.  It wouldn't shorten their trip too much, right?  But I decided to be a grown-up and find a solution to our predicament on my own.

I called 9-1-1.

Yep.  That's right!  I called 9-1-1 because there was a massive amphibian in my commode.

Okay, so I didn't actually dial "9-1-1."  I called the police station dispatch office.  My best friend was the dispatcher there (which also meant he was the 9-1-1 dispatcher), and I knew he could handle any emergency that was thrown his way.  Hence, my call to 9-1-1...

"You have to help us, Tom!!!"

Tom put on his "calm, professional 9-1-1 dispatcher voice" and tried to talk me down from my panic attack.  Although, to this day I can still hear the laughter in his voice.  He was kind and didn't laugh outright though, so for that, I am thankful.  And I am even more thankful for what he did next.  He called his younger brother and had him drive the 20 minutes to our house in order to save us from the Gigantic Toad of Massive Proportions.

Source

When Eric pulled up the drive, Christy and I went running out to meet him.  I'm certain we were falling all over ourselves with cries of gratitude.  Our hero had come to save us!!!  Eric, bless his heart, did his best to stifle his chuckling as well and set out to remove the monster from our home.

We followed him into the bathroom.  We didn't necessarily want to have contact with the beast, but we wanted to make sure that no harm would come to him as well.  (We're compassionate like that ;-).  We prepared ourselves, and Eric opened the lid.

You could have heard crickets chirping it was so silent in that bathroom.

Sitting on top of the toilet seat, having made his way from inside the toilet bowl, was a teeny tiny little frog about the size of a quarter staring up at us with his super cute itty bitty little eyes.

Huh...  How 'bout that?

"He looked so much bigger before...  He's kind of cute!"  Christy and I proceeded to talk to the adorable little froggy.  "Hi, little froggy!  How cute are you, little froggy?!?"  Poor Eric just stood there shaking his head in disbelief.  "Do you still want me to take him outside," he asked us.  Um, yeah!  Little Froggy might be cute and all, but I still don't want him in my toilet!

So Eric picked up Little Froggy, carried him out the front door, and off of the patio where he leaned down to release him.  Christy and I quickly suggested he maybe take him a wee bit farther away from the house.  Little Froggy was clearly a smart one.  If he was able to find his way inside once, we wanted to make it a little bit more difficult for him to find his way in again.  Eric humored us and took our new amphibious friend into the pasture.  He managed to maintain his composure and not laugh at us, but I can only imagine the conversation that he and Tom must have had after he had left!

I no longer live in the country, but I do still check my toilet before sitting down.  Some things you just don't get past.  And a Gigantic Toad of Massive Proportions in your potty is one of them.  :-)

Not Sure I'm Liking Mr. F@cebook Ad Man

When I turned 35 a couple of years back, I began to notice a distinct shift in my ads on F@cebook.  What were previously links to exotic travel locales and fantastic shopping locations changed to ads for AARP and  weight loss medication seemingly overnight.  Call me crazy, but I thought that I had at least a few good years left before I neared retirement!

Within a week, I had received scores of ads which would give even the most secure, self-assured individual a complex:

• "For Women Over 35 with Stubborn Belly Fat"
• "For Middle-Aged Chunky Women Looking for Love"
• "Vitamin Supplements for Women Over 35"
• Ads for that special yogurt that "regulates your digestive system" - WITH A COUPON!
• Products for the "Mature Woman Over 35"
• "Middle-Aged and STILL Single?"
• Ads for life insurance and discounts for creating and/or updating your will

My personal favorite was the stalking of the underarm hair laser removal ad.  It followed me for days, popping up on every page.  Just what exactly were they trying to say?!?  I was pretty sure I was offended.  After having a nightmare that I had the underarm hair of a Sasquatch one night, I sent out a desperate plea to Mr. F@cebook Ad Man.

"Okay, Mister!  You need to STOP IT!  Yes, I am 35.  My life is not over!   No, I can not braid my armpit hair!  Yes, I am 'still' single.  No, I am not 'desperately looking for love.'  Yes, I 'have stubborn belly fat,' but I've had that for the past 20 something years.  Where were you then, Mr. F@cebook Ad Man?!?  Where were you then?!?  If I get one more ad for 'middle-aged chunky girls looking for love' you and I are gonna have words.  And not nice words at that!"

I knew that my desperate pleas must have been heard because the next time I logged onto my computer, the offending ads had been replaced by an advertisement for pole dancing classes!  Now that's what I'm talking about!!!  This "chunky middle-aged girl's" still got it!  I can totally get down with some pole dancing classes!  So I click on the ad...

"This Month's Special - Discounted Classes for Women Over 35!!!"

That is SO wrong.

I Haven't Forgotten!

I totally haven't forgotten about you guys!  I promise!  :-)

I'm in the new place, and I absolutely love it!  Unfortunately, the cable company couldn't quite get my Internet hooked up correctly, so I don't have access at home until this Friday when they send out a more knowledgeable service tech .  :-(   I will totally update the blog this weekend though!  I have a few weeks of "Foster Fridays," a guest post for Attempting Agape, and a few other posts in the works.  In the meantime, I leave you with this:

My daughter has RUINED ME!!!

I could have gone my entire life knowing absolutely nothing

of the perfect combination of sweet and salty,

yummy, deep-fried goodness that is...

Chicken Express' Corn Nuggets!!!

But NOOOOO...

Heaven just had to go and tell me all about them,

and now I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT THEM!!!

"Corn Nuggets.  They're what's for dinner!"

That is SO wrong...

Not Smart Enough, Apparently...

I might be a fairly intelligent person.

National Honor Society...

Graduated 5th in my class...

In "Gifted & Talented" programs all throughout school...

Proud rider of the short bus and all that...

But I swear these stinking collapsible sun shades 

get the better of me

EVERY. SINGLE. TIME!!!

I Had a Stalker, and He Smelled Funky!

I was being followed. 

I couldn't actually see him, but I knew he was there. 

You know how you get that feeling that something is just off?  Like you're being watched?  That feeling that makes you turn around and look behind you every few steps?  Well, I had that exact feeling the other day!

It started right after I left my house to head to work.  I got in my car, and immediately I knew something wasn't right.  There was an odor in my car that I just couldn't place.  I started to look around thinking that maybe I had accidentally left a fast food bag of food or missed a bag of groceries that were now rotting in the hot car.  Finding nothing, I thought "OMG!  Did I leave the car unlocked?  Did a homeless person sleep in my backseat?!?"  By the time I arrived at work, I had pretty much resigned myself to thinking that a field mouse or some other small critter had crawled up in my engine and met its demise.

I didn't give the smell another thought until I stepped into the restroom at the office.  The smell was back!  Clearly someone was following me!  It was the only explanation!  I quickly ran into a stall and locked myself in.  I waited for a bit until the last person left the restroom, and I bolted back to my desk.

Throughout the remainder of the day, that smell came and went.  It followed me everywhere.  In the file room, in the copy room, in the elevator...  By the time I got home, I was freaking out!  I had a stalker!!!  I ran into the apartment and locked the deadbolt.  I turned and leaned against the locked door, finally safe inside my home.  I knew that funky-smelling stalker wasn't in my house because he was clearly hiding in my car.

Finally ready to let my guard down, I kicked off my shoes to settle in for a relaxing evening...  And I was hit full-force with an odor that made my eyes water by its sheer power.


Yep...  I had a stalker...  and he smelled funky!!!

My "stalker" was last year's summer shoes.

(*** Note to self...  Replace summer shoes yearly!!! ***)

Mortified

I am absolutely MORTIFIED right now. I was looking up this barn for a blog post that I am writing about being traumatized as a child (the stinking thing MOO-ED every time you opened the door). I didn't expect to find the EXACT toy, but I guess "VINGTAGE" toys are all the rage. "VINTAGE!" Oiy.

Paying it Forward

I recently received a "Thank You" card and $20 in the mail after I had returned a birthday card and its contents to the sender.  It was from an elderly woman who had sent her granddaughter a card and quite a bit of cash to a non-existant address at my apartment complex. The mailman had delivered it to my mailbox three times! I ended up getting another envelope and mailing everything back to her with a note explaining what had happened. I certainly never expected anything in return, but I felt better knowing that the poor woman wasn't going to lose all of that money. Getting that "Thank You" card in the mail made my day. 

Fast forward two weeks to this morning...  I went to my Sonic (I call it "my" Sonic because I stop there just about every morning to get my Route 44 Diet Coke with lime and extra ice), and I swear ten hours later, I am still grinning ear to ear.  You see, I never carry cash, so I rarely am able to tip my carhops.  Today though, I happened to have a $20 bill in my purse (the same $20 bill sent to me as a "Thank You" for simply doing the right thing), and I thought "This is perfect!!!  It's time to pay it forward!  I think a carhop is about to have one very Merry Christmas!" ;-)  I ordered my little $5 meal, paid with my $20, and told her to keep the change. 

You would have thought she'd just won the lottery.  :-)

She asked me twice if I was sure.  She shrieked.  She giggled.  She jumped up and down on her skates, and thanked me over and over.  Then she wished me a Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and a happy every other holiday of the year.  I left there knowing that I just made that girl's day, and in doing so, I made mine too!  There's nothing better the feeling that you get when you do something kind and unexpected for someone who truly appreciates it.


Throughout this Holiday Season, I have witnessed and experienced more random acts of kindness than ever before. 

• My kids (current, past, and future) and I have received clothes, toys, etc. from family, friends, and even a neighbor that I had never met!  She just came by one afternoon, introduced herself, and told me that she had seen that I had a baby boy and wanted to know if I might be able to use some of the things that her son had outgrown.  She came back with a HUGE tub of clothes, and Monkey is very much stylin' in them.  :-) 

• Early last week, my sister was the recipient of a "random act of kindness" when an old man stopped her in a store parking lot, asked her if she had kids, and then handed her a sealed envelope.  He said, "Here is some extra spending money. Merry Christmas!" and drove away.  It had $40 inside!  I know she was thrilled silly because she called me as she was pulling out of the parking lot.  She had some unexpected expenses come up that week with quite a bit of car trouble, and that $40 paid for the Christmas shopping that she had just done at that store.

• I've had foster family friends with new placements recieve help with Christmas gifts for their new children.  One family received a huge delivery of diapers and wipes.  Several have had meals brought to the house to help out during the crazy adjustment period (I know that I never think to eat during those first couple of weeks after getting a new little one).  Some have had offers to babysit bio children during all of the initial medical and other foster care-related appointments that come up immediately after a new placement, etc.  People always think to help parents after the birth of a baby, but it is rare for anyone to think to help after the placement of new foster children in a home.  I was really happy to see so many people banding together to help so many of my friends and their new children.

• A mom of another baby at Monkey's daycare saw me put his formula in his basket, and she offered to give me a can of hers because her baby recently switched to soy.

• I've noticed that doors have been held open more often than usual.  People have offered to let others go before them in line at the checkout more than usual.  I've heard a couple of drivers in drive thrus offer to pay for the orders of the car behind them.  I've read articles about layaways being paid down for random strangers. 

So many amazing things happening...  And I can't help but wonder what the world would be like if each of the recipients of these random acts of kindness went out and paid it forward to someone else.  Sometimes, a gesture that might seem small and insignificant to you, might mean the world to someone else.  I know that simple $20 bill has already made the days of at least two people.  :-)

Beautiful Dreamer...

I had quite a beautiful dream last night.

I dreamt that I came downstairs in the middle of the night to get a glass of water, and Tim McGraw was in the middle of my living room in all of his "cowboy sexiness" in an outfit remarkably similar to this one!

Crazy thing is, that's not the part that I found the most exciting.

As I tried to make sense of why this gorgeous man was in my living room, I suddenly noticed the smell of freshly-dried laundry, heard the dishwasher running, smelled the lemony-goodness of a newly-mopped kitchen floor, and realized that Mr. McGraw was in the process of running the vacuum over my living room floor! 

Let me tell you, there is nothing sexier than a man who can vacuum and leave perfectly symmetrical carpet lines. 

Kind of reminded me of my dream of a Lawnmower Man from years ago...  Somehow though, I think Tim McGraw may trump Sweaty Lawnmower Man.

It really was a good dream...  :-)



The Time Change

Um, yeah...  Gotta say I'm not nearly as enthusiastic about the whole "Fall Back" thing as I usually am.  I am firmly convinced that Mr. Franklin was not taking into account people with children when he came up with his brilliant idea to change the time in order to take advantage of the light.  Thanks a lot, Mr. Franklin!  Now it seems I will be waking up at 4:30am thanks to you!

Yep...  My kid is nothing if not predictable.  His internal alarm clock is so completely punctual that I don't ever have to set my own alarm anymore.  Unfortunately, his "alarm" tells him that he absolutely must be in his crib and sound asleep by 7:00pm at the very latest, and wake up at 5:30am on the dot.  Too bad Mama is a night owl and most definitely NOT a morning person.  I can't even begin to describe the dread that I have over the nightmare that is about to take place tonight and over the next week while I attempt to get Monkey on a schedule that we can both live with.

I see 4:30am playtimes in my immediate future...  and that's just not cool.

The Time Has Come...

Why, yes, my friends... 

That IS a wadded up napkin doubling as protective driving gear. 

Perhaps the time has come to purchase a

sunshade for my car.

Not that it would help.

Day 15 of 100+ degree weather, and IT IS HOT!

Crossing the threshold into the "steam sauna"

that was formerly known as "the great outdoors" has

become somewhat unbearable.

The humidity makes you sweat standing still.

Stepping into the "oven" that was once your

automobile...  Not so enjoyable.

I believe one friend's car announced an

"inside temperature" of 138 degrees at one point.

(Hence my need to break down and purchase a sunshade.)

Although, I hear there is hope!

Apparently we are expecting a "cool front" on Tuesday!

High temp of "only" 99 degrees!!!

;-)

That is SO wrong!!!

Blonde Moments of the Non-Blonde

Admit it!  You have them!  I know I do... 

• I've been known to exclaim (rather loudly, I might add) that everything at Cheddar's was "so cheesy!"  (Duh!  The place is called "Cheddar's!")  

• Upon hearing that a flight to New Zealand was going to take 23 hours, I asked (in all seriousness), "Well why don't they just go the short way?" thinking that if they took off in the opposite direction, it would only take 1 hour (because it only takes 24 hours for the earth to turn).

• While riding in my mother's car, I mentioned that they were sure playing a lot of Wilson Phillips on the radio that day...  It was a CD.

So I wasn't overly-surprised yesterday when I had yet another "blonde moment of the non-blonde."

I was on my way out of the daycare with Monkey in his carrier and diaper bag in tow when I approached the car.  I clicked the clicker.  Nothing.  That car was locked down like Fort Knox!  I spent the next five minutes walking around the car trying the clicker from different angles.  I tried shoving my arm through the cracked windows in a feeble attempt to unlock the car doors that way but the windows weren't quite low enough.  I was just about to walk back into the daycare to get Monkey out of the heat and to call my mom and ask her to bring my extra clicker when the doors finally unlocked when I pressed the button again.  I loaded Monkey, got in, and headed home. 

I was halfway home when it finally occurred to me... 

I probably could have just used the key!!!

Blonde moments of the non-blonde...  Fun times!  :-)

Why Risk It?!?

I went to Sonic the other morning to get my usual Route 44 Diet Coke with extra ice, and I witnessed the saddest display of "roller-skating carhop skills" that I have ever seen...  The poor girl spent the vast majority of her time clinging onto every available pole, wall, and automobile for dear life.  I was truly relieved that she wasn't delivering my order because I would have hated to see a perfectly good Diet Coke go to waste!

I'm just going to go out on a limb and say that I'm not sure it's worth the extra 25 cents (if it's even that much) an hour to deliver food on roller skates when you are at great risk of bodily injury due to your own lack of skill.  25 cents an hour vs. three months out of work while in a body cast???  I think I'd go with keeping my feet firmly planted on the ground, thank you very much.

(On a different note - There's another newly pregnant teen carhop at my Sonic!  And again...  It was all I could do to keep my mouth shut and not ask her if she has an adoption plan for her child. ;-)

Deathtraps of the Rich and Famous

While I'm waiting for my next foster baby, I've been shopping around for more nursery decor ideas.  I plan on doing this for a while, so I don't want to get bored with the decor.  I also have a tendency to associate certain things with specific children, so I'd like to have several options on-hand for new placements. 

I have one set of neutral bedding and decor that I bought forever ago when I saw it.  I fell completely in love with it and thought that it was a perfect fit for me.  My nickname is "Pooh Bear," so I knew that I wanted to do Classic Pooh.  The only problem with that is that I'm not a fan of pastels, and most of the Classic Pooh stuff is just that.  Pastel.  So when I found this beige, sage, and cranberry set with Winnie the Pooh sort of embedded in the beige portion of the bumper (which you totally can't see in this picture, but I don't have another one), I was sold!  Everything else in the room is from the Classic Pooh Collection that Target had...  Rug, wall hangings, all of the plush stuffed characters, mobile, etc (Again, none of which you can see in the picture...  You can see how prepared I was for this post, huh?).  Love it, love it, love it!  And it would work for a boy or a girl.  But right now, I still think of it as the Booger Bear's, so I don't think I could use it right away for another baby.  Silly, I know...  But I'll use it again after a couple more kiddos come my way, I'm sure...

Right before the Booger went to live with his daddy, he hand-picked the bedding and decor that I have set up now.  He was very insistent that he thought it should be "colors."  So we ended up with a colorful Stars & Stripes theme.  I have a twin bed set up in the nursery as well as the crib, and the comforter for the bed is vertical stripes of all of the colors in the crib bedding.  The Booger never got a chance to use the new stuff, so it's anxiously awaiting it's first occupant.  :-)  I would use this for a boy or a girl, but it still seems a little more "boy"-ish to me. 

I really want to get one more set of something specifically girly, but like I said before...  I am not a fan of pastels, and all of that pink, frilly, lacy "girl" stuff kind of makes me want to throw up a little.  So I set out on an internet quest to find the perfect "girl" room that wouldn't make me want to hurl.  :-)  I somehow stumbled across photos of celebrity nurseries, and quickly realized that those people live in their own little universe where good taste, common sense, and practical issues like, ummm, I don't know...  safety seem nonexistent.

This first nursery I stumbled upon was for Tori Spelling's baby girl.  I know I said I was looking for something specifically "girly," but this is just not right!  Every single item in the nursery is a different shade of pink...  Carnation pink, hot pink, Pepto pink, dusty rose...  You name the shade of pink, and it has been thrown up upon every item in this room.  Walls, ceiling, carpet, crib, draperies, lamp, chair, changing table...  Every item, that is, except for the shiny chadelier.  A chandelier!  In a baby's room!  Because that's just what every newborn needs, right?  And what happened to babies needing the visual stimulation of contrasting colors?  This poor child's not going to know what to do with other colors when she ventures out into the "real" world!

Upon regaining my composure after viewing that particular monstrocity, I found this...  Christina Aguilera's idea of a fun-loving, safe room for her baby boy.  In her defense, there are a couple of things in this room that were sorely lacking in the previous nursery.  Multiple colors, for one...  and a couple of stuffed animals.  Unfortunately, there is also the distinct presence of what I will now refer to as "a sleeping death trap," more commonly known as "the baby's crib."  Oh yeah!  Let's hang floor to ceiling fabric all around the  crib with two tall pointy posts that would be perfect for catching said fabric and strangling the baby.  And, I don't know if anyone else has noticed it, but there is also this insanely large and frightening sculpture of what appears to be a seriously grumpy "Man in the Moon" dominating a rather large percentage of the room.  That poor baby's gonna be scared to death (if the crib doesn't get him first)!

Just when I thought I had seen it all, I came across J-Lo's version of a child-friendly haven for her newborn boy/girl twins.  Maybe I just have foster care on the brain, but when I look at this room, all I see are SIDS, strangulation, or electrocution just waiting to happen.  If this room had to pass a CPS licensing inspection, it would fail miserably!  I don't care how much money you spent on it.  Three inch thick crib bumpers, big flowing canopies draped around the crib, pillows and stuffed animals all in the beds, table lamps everywhere...  And, of course...  A crystal chandelier that puts the Spelling chandelier to shame.  I just pray that some of this is purely for the magazine photo shoot and NOT actually in use for the newborns. 

Call me boring, but the baby girl bedding that I found was a little more practical, and a lot less froo-froo-ey...  Two shades of plum, turquoise, lime green, and white...  NO PINK!  I won't be painting the walls lavendar though...  And I'll probably try to pull out more of the turquoise and green with the artwork and accessories in the room.

...And, of course...  I must get a fancy chandelier.

;-)

So SHUT THE DOOR!!!

My brain must work differently from other people's or something...  Because when I heard the following announcement on our overhead intercom system at work the other day, I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"May I have your attention please?  To the owner of a white BMW 335i Sedan, license plate number ABC-123, your driver's side door is open."

You're kidding me, right?  "IS open???"  Someone seriously took the time to make note of the color, make, and model of the vehicle, write down the license plate number, walk to the out-of-the-way receptionist's desk, relay the information to her, and have her make an announcement to have the owner of the vehicle stop what they are doing, walk the 1/2 mile hike to the parking lot, and shut their own door?!?!? 

Call me crazy, but if I saw someone's car door wide open and no one was around...  I'd shut the door for them!  If I was feeling nice, I'd relay the information to the receptionist so she could let them know that their door was open and that they might want to check the contents of their vehicle and make sure their battery wasn't dead, but I would at least shut the door for them.  Seriously!  Why would you go to all of that trouble and just leave the door wide open?!?

F'real!!!  What is wrong with people?!?  They are trippin'!!!  Trippin', I say.

I'm Good Enough... I'm Smart Enough...

...and DOGGONE IT!  People LIKE me!!! 

At least, that's how I felt after I arrived home from work yesterday to discover that I had won a free month of rent!!! 

I suppose in order to fully comprehend the magnitude of the situation, you must first understand that I never win anything.  Like ever.  Until last year, the only thing I had ever won was a moldy fruit basket.  And believe you me, I was thrilled silly about that moldy fruit basket!  The basket itself (minus the moldy fruit) has been proudly displayed on top of my kitchen cabinets for the past seven years.

I think my luck started to change last year.  I won a prize or two playing games at baby showers and home sales shows.  Then the Christmas party at my foster care agency came around, and they started announcing the winners of the door prizes.  I was totally not paying attention.  "Why should I," I thought.  "I never win anything anyway."  So imagine my surprise when I looked up to see what felt like 1,000 pairs of eyes staring at me and the Director of the agency saying, "Tammy?  That's your name, Tammy."  :-)

That's when I did the whole jumping up out of my seat, clapping for myself, alternately giggling and crying, Miss America, waving my hand in front of my face so I didn't pass out, loudly exclaiming, "OMG!  I can't believe it!  I never win anything!" thing.  I had to restrain myself from doing the Miss America wave ("elbow, elbow... wrist, wrist, wrist...  fingers, fingers...  kiss, kiss, kiss") as I received my prize and headed back to my seat.

"What on earth did you win that had you so excited," you might ask?  A $20 gift card to Walmart...  I can only imagine what my reaction would have been had I won a high-dollar prize!  As it is, I have a feeling no one at that party is going to forget me anytime soon.  =)

Fast forward to yesterday afternoon...  I'd had a long day at work, and I was soooo looking forward to kicking off my shoes, stripping off my bra, throwing on some pj's, and lounging around the house for a few hours.  I got out of the car and rounded the corner of my building only to be greeted with a bright red, folded piece of paper with my apartment number on it on the little memo clip by the front door.  "Oh, crap.  What did I do now?"  I mentally played back the past few weeks in my head...  Had I paid the water bill?  Did I short pay rent?  Was the cat being too loud when he tears around the house after going to the bathroom?  All I could think was that red was not a good color when it comes to announcements. 

I pulled the paper off of the door and stepped inside.  I braved up and went to read it, only to discover that it was STAPLED too!  "Oh, sweet crap!!!  Am I being evicted or something?!?"  I, ever so slowly, unfolded the note and was greeted with...

Congratulations, Tamara S...!

You are the WINNER

of one FREE MONTH OF RENT!!!

I squealed and jumped around like a little girl, which in turn terrified the cat, whose hair stood up on his back as he jumped about five feet straight up from the floor.  I half expected to see him clinging from the ceiling in a desperate attempt to escape me in all of my hyperventilating glory.  Instead, he just ran and hid under the computer desk and eyed me warily until I calmed down and composed myself.

You have no idea how excited I am.  This ends up being about $900 going straight into my "Buying a Baby Fund" (as my newphew calls it)!  With this and what I already have in there from the past few weeks, I should have enough for my homestudy after my next paycheck!  I'm going to wait a little while before I do the homestudy though because it's only good for 6 months, and I'd just have to come up with another $500 to update it.  I am so happy that things are starting to pick up in the adoption fundraising area though.  This was a great little boost!  I'm still doing a mental happy dance!  =)

So go ahead and feel free to bask in the warmth of my radiant glow!  Maybe my newfound good fortune will rub off and everyone will be blessed with the "lucky bug."  We can dream anyway...  :-)

Why Fix It If It's Not Broken?!?

I just got back to the house after what was supposed to be a quick run to the grocery store to pick up a few things.  An hour and a half later, I returned with my little $45 worth of groceries and a killer migraine. 

First of all, I should have known better than to go grocery shopping on a Sunday afternoon.  The place was a madhouse!  All of those little old people stopping in the middle of the aisles to chitchat with their long-lost friends of Yore...  Kids running from their parents...  Entire family reunions stopping in front of the sample ladies to feed their broods...  People on cell phones, stopped in the middle of the main aisle...  It was bad.  Fortunately, I knew exactly what I was looking for, and I knew exactly where to find it... 

Or so I thought...

Yep!  The "grocery store powers that be" decided that now would be an excellent time to completely rearrange my grocery store!!!  I CURSE YOU, GROCERY STORE POWERS THAT BE!!!  I have been shopping at your store for the past 10 years.  I know exactly where everything is.  I like that I know exactly where everything is!  So why must you go and upset the status quot?  I'm all for "embracing change," but not when it comes to my grocery shopping experience!  Why "fix" it if it's not broken?!? 

After searching high and low for the few specific items that I went shopping for with little to no success, I decided to corner a poor, unsuspecting Little Stock Boy and make him do all of the searching.  First, I needed cream cheese.  All of the other cheese products were together.  Cream cheese, on the other hand, is now with the eggs and pudding.  Oh, well...  OF COURSE IT IS!  Because everyone knows that eggs and cream cheese and pudding have oh so much in common!

I then sent him in search of those Banquet Homestyle Bake meals that have always been with the Hamburger Helper and other meals in a box.  (I know...  I know...  It's not exactly fine cuisine or even healthy, but when you're cooking for one person, it's quick, easy, and not too much of it goes to waste.)  They were so well-hidden that even poor Little Stock Boy couldn't locate them!

As I stood there in the corner, sending Little Stock Boy on one wild goose chase after another, I began noticing lots of worn-out looking people in red and beige running back and forth between the aisles and other brilliant women like myself standing in corners looking rather irritated, yet smug.  I realized that I must have that exact same expression on my face as I waited for Little Stock Boy to return with yet another unlocatable item on my list of only 15 things.  Pissed off that they went and changed my store after 10 years of me knowing exactly where to find my groceries, and yet rather pleased with myself that I had found a way to take it out on the "grocery store powers that be" by forcing Little Stock Boy to do my grocery shopping for me instead of doing his job...

Yessirree!!!  We showed them!!!  They're certain to put everything back where it belongs now!!!  (A girl can dream anyway...)

I Am a Comment Whore

Yes, I'll admit it.  I'll do just about anything for comments on my blog.  I usually feel like I should be standing on some street corner in my "sexy clothes" saying things like, "Hey baby...  Leave me a comment, and I'll show you a real good time..."  ;-)

It became very apparent how much I craved the attention desired the interaction from my readers this morning when I logged in and saw that exciting little link that said that I had a comment that needed to be moderated.  "OMG!!!  I HAVE A COMMENT!!!  I HAVE A COMMENT!!!  I LOVE COMMENTS!!!"  It was a great one too!  It said how she was crying because she was laughing so hard and that she really thought I needed to publish a coffee table book.  I felt all warm and fuzzy inside when I hit the "Publish" button.  And then the comment completely disappeared!!!  "NOOOO!!!"  I almost cried.  Now I have nothing to show for all of my hard work.  :(

I'm not quite sure where the need for constant compliments positive feedback and acknowledgement that someone is actually reading the blog comes from, but I'll admit that it does make me feel good to know that other people are reading and enjoying my stuff.  It keeps me motivated.  Unfortunately, now that I've been writing almost every day, my friends and family are a wee bit terrified to hang out with me.  I don't get it!  They're the ones who keep telling me that I need to publish a book of my blog!  They all say how they love that I have the ability to turn mundane, everyday living into something funny, but I think they really mean that they love it when I turn my mundane, everyday living into something funny.  :-)  I just tell them that we all need to suck it up and take one for the team!  One day, my little blog will be famous, and they can say "I knew her when..."  ;-) 

I've written about the Blog Bug before.  About how Tammy in "writer mode" is 1,000 times more sarcastic and on the lookout for inspiration than Tammy in "everyday mode."  (and Tammy in "everyday mode" is pretty high up on the dry wit meter)  But seriously...  You've got to be able to laugh at yourself and not take things too seriously or you'll just be miserable and embarrassed all the time (or I would at least.  I tend to have lots of "blond moments of the non-blond")!  And I do have some deeper and more meaningful posts quite a bit, so I think the blog is fairly well-rounded.

But I do so love the comments!!!  I love it when you guys answer my questions and continue the "conversations."  It's always interesting to get different perspectives on things and to learn from other people's experiences.  And, of course, the compliments and raving reviews aren't too bad for the ego either.  :-)

Terror in the Water

It was a frightening day in the water.  Children cowered behind their fathers and mothers and screamed in terror as the great albino whale neared.  The waves caused by the giant beast were massive.  Almost tsunami-like in their nature...  The undertow formed in the wake of the gigantic creature was so strong that not even the most highly qualified members of Coast Guard Rescue could successfully maneuver it.  The glare of the sun off of the sea mammal's snow-white skin was blinding to any who dared look directly at it. 

No...  This terror-filled event did not occur on any populated beach on this particular occasion, but rather in my very own community swimming pool as I bravely donned my swimsuit and hoisted my pasty white, over-sized self into the water for the first time last weekend.

I tried to warn them!  I really did!  But try explaining the concept of water displacement to a couple of eager 5-year-olds who desperately want to go swimming at their Aunt Tammy's house.  It's 100 degrees outside, and I'm the only one with free access to a built-in pool.  So the great albino whale emerged in all her glory and took the kiddos for an afternoon swim.

Twins and I had a great time!  I'm not too sure about the other unsuspecting pool patrons though.  I believe I heard cries of "Sweet Gracious, the glare!!!  I can't see!!!  I can't see!!!"  And there was something about being "caught in its wake" that I didn't quite catch.  However, I did seem to be rather popular with the children as I was apparently creating a "lazy river" effect as I walked around the pool.

A week has passed since I traumatized my neighbors, so I think I will bravely gear up again tomorrow and enjoy the afternoon heat swimming in my community pool once more.  Perhaps I should choreograph a routine and charge admission for a "Shamu"-like performance!  Who needs to drive 5 hours to Sea World when you have "TAMU...  THE GREAT ALBINO WHALE!?!"

Was That REALLY the Best They Could Do?!?

I was a little behind, but I finally watched the season opener of "The Bachelorette" a few days ago, and Oh. My. Gosh.  Was that really the best they could do?!?  I had it saved on the DVR, so I sat down to watch it and after they introduced Bachelor #3, I just had to rewind and start over...  This time with a notebook and pen in hand so I could take notes and blog about the prime choice of men they had chosen for poor, unsuspecting Ali.

Bachelor #1 (Frank) - The introductions opened with a man in a nice suit standing in front of a gorgeous high rise in downtown Chicago.  He was kind of cute in a geeky sort of way...  And then he spoke.  "I used to work here!"  ("Used to???"  What does that mean?)  He then goes on to announce, "I quit my job and moved back in with my parents to pursue my dream of becoming a screenwriter."  (Lovely)  He told Ali that he quit his job and moved to Paris.  (He was there for 5 weeks.  I don't consider that "moving" to Paris.  That's an extended vacation, honey.)  He has yet to tell her that he lives with his Mommy and Daddy.




Bachelor #2 - Poor Bachelor #2 was not attractive, but he was a lawyer. (I guess that's promising.)  He works at his Daddy's law firm.  (OMG!  Seriously?  You can't get a job on your own?!?  NEXT!)

Bachelor #3 - His opening scene was him trying to pick up two woman using cheesy pick-up lines at a bar.  (Seriously?  Correct me if I'm wrong, but are you or are you not going on a show in order to meet your future wife?  Do you really think that picking up strange women in a bar is going to win her affection?  Your light doesn't burn too brightly, does it?)  He then goes on to announce to the viewing audience that he "doesn't have any trouble with the ladies."

Bachelor #4 - The "Outdoorsman..."  He wants to take Ali on a romantic ice fishing date!  He then proceeds to show off his taxidermied collection of his "kill' over the years.  "I killed elk.  I killed deer.  I killed turkeys.  I killed a cougar."  (Wow.  Dead things.  Sexy.)  "And I'm not scared of any of those other guys...  Cause I killed me a bear!"  (Sweetie, unless you killed that bear with your bare hands in self defense, I am not impressed.  Standing 100 yards away and shooting an unsuspecting animal with a shotgun doesn't exactly do it for me.)

Bachelor #5 (Justin) - (Well, helloooo, Justin!  You're cute!)  He then body slams a guy and announces his "occupation."  He is an "entertainment wrestler" whose goes by the alias of "Rated R."  (Seriously.  I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.)



They go on to introduce a total of only nine out of the twenty-five bachelors.  A couple of them seemed promising, but for the most part I was worried.  Why did they only introduce nine of these guys?  Were these the pick of the litter?!?  Poor Ali quit her job and gave up her apartment for these guys!!!

As the evening started and Ali began greeting the men as they exited the limos, even more winners appeared.  You have the guy who exited through the sunroof and jumped off of the car...  You have the guy who exited the sunroof and did a back flip off of the car!  And then the cocktail party began and we get to meet even more of the eligible bachelors.

Goofy Weatherman - I know I should be rooting for this guy because he is from my home state.  Texas Pride and all that...  But after only two episodes, this poor guy has proven to be a total dweeb who Ali is most likely going to have to physically protect from this guy...

Psycho "Looking for a Fist Fight" Guy - That pretty much sums it up.  The men in the house have already had to separate this guy from others in the house.  He's a big bully who only picks on the little guys.

Ukulele Man - Yep...  This guy pulled out a ukulele (because, doesn't everyone bring a ukulele to a cocktail party?) and serenaded Ali with a little ditty that he wrote all by his very own self.  The poor guy couldn't carry a tune in a bucket, but parts of the song were funny.  The most ironic part of the ukulele episode was when "Back Flip Off the Limo" Guy admonished Ukulele Man for being "way too obvious" in his cry for Ali's affection.  (Yuh-huh...  Because back flipping off of a limo was in no way a desperate plea for attention.  No sir!  Not one bit!  Oy.)

"Ali Needs a Raincoat" Guy - He seems nice enough, but he talks 100 miles an hour and slurs his words so badly that he spits when he talks.  Poor Ali needs to wear water repellent gear just to carry on a conversation with this man!

But I think the real winner of the evening was "Shooter."  Within the first thirty seconds of his "alone time" with Ali, he proceeds to tell her the story of how he got his nickname.  What on earth would possess a man to go on national television and tell the woman that he is hoping to fall in love with and marry (along with the entire female population of the United States) that he got his nickname because he (to put it nicely) had no "staying power" when he was with a woman?!?  WTF?!?  Poor "Shooter..."  He didn't make it past Round One.  And now the poor guy is going to have to leave the country because if he ever dates again, it will be a miracle.

All hope for poor Ali seemed lost, but as the evening progressed, a few bachelors seemed promising.

Frank (Bachelor #1) - He was growing on me a little after last night's episode.  He seems like a nice enough guy.  I'm just not sure how much farther things will go with them when he finally does tell Ali that he lives with his parents.  At least he's not unemployed like I thought after the initial interview.  (Although I think saying that you are a "Manager at a Retail Store" might be a fancy way of saying "I work at Walmart."  :-)

Ty - He's a true Southern Boy who works in Medical Sales and lives in Tennessee.  He seems to have the "Southern Gentleman" thing going on and he can play guitar and sing.  That's always sexy.  He doesn't seem to be using the show to promote his singing career or anything like that one guy a couple seasons back.  He just seems like a genuinely nice guy.

Chris L. - I think he might be in my personal Top 2.  He taught high school Math for several years in New York City, but ended up moving back to Cape Cod to be near his mom and help take care of her when she got sick.  She ended up passing away, but he's stayed in his hometown to be close to his family.  He seems really solid and there for the right reasons.

But my absolutely #1 pick is...    Rrrrrrroberrrrrrto!  (You have to say it with the rolling "R's" or it just doesn't do this guy justice!  He is beyond yummy!!!  I want to get me one of those!)  The first time you see this guy, he is shirtless and doing pushups.  He's got super sexy tattoos and a body that just won't quit!  I was really afraid that he was just going to be a gorgeous piece of man candy, but he actually seems like a really cool guy.  Not all egotistical like a lot of gorgeous men are... He just has that completely down to earth, calm but fun personality, and seems genuinely sincere about wanting to get to know Ali and seeing where the whole process leads.

So, while I had some serious concerns for poor Ali's fate in the beginning, all hope is not lost.  There are a few good ones in the mix.  As long as my Rrrrrrrroberrrrrto stays, I'll be watching.  The others can just provide some comic relief along the way...

I Don't Do Blue

We all have our odd little idiosyncrasies...  Those strange little quirks that we think make us endearing to others, but that really just make people look at us like we're completely off our rockers...  "What's yours, Mimi?" you might ask.  Well, I'll tell you! 

I don't eat blue food.

Now, this isn't something that I just blurt out of the blue.  I don't meet people and immediately announce, "I don't eat anything blue."  That would just be crazy.  It usually comes up during gatherings where cake with blue frosting is present.  I politely decline, and everyone looks at me like I've grown a third eyeball for turning down a perfectly good piece of cake.  I then have to quietly explain my theory on blue food, which inevitably leads to knowing smiles, little nods, and people asking, "Sweetie, have you taken your meds today?"

My theory?  "If we were supposed to eat blue food, God would have given us something blue in nature that is edible!"  (And blueberries don't count because, technically, they are supposed to be close to purple before they're ready to eat.)

Think about it!  Seriously!  Can you think of blue foods that occur naturally???  I can't!  So why create blue food just for the sake of making it blue?!?  It's just not right, I tell you!!!  It inevitably turns your mouth, tongue, and teeth strange colors and you can't go out in public for hours without looking like a fool!

As my freaky quirk became more well-known at work, my co-workers started getting really excited any time they saw me with M&Ms, Sweethearts, or other candy with blue in the mix. They would hang around my desk, eyeing the blue pile as I separated the candy, knowing that it was about to be up for grabs. They had a field day every time Halloween rolled around because they knew that blue candy would be plentiful at Mimi's desk.

I then realized that my aversion to eating anything blue might be a little more well-known than I thought about nine years ago when I was hanging out with my 2-year-old cousin.  He was snacking on his absolute favorite snack...  Little gummy fruit chew things ("buggies" as he called them), and I asked him if I could have one.  He looked thoughtful for a moment, and then he proceeded to hand me several of them with a huge smile on his face.  Unfortunately, it wasn't the smile of a 2-year-old proud of himself for selflessly sharing his favorite snack with his favorite cousin.  It was the "I'm so much smarter than you" evil smirk of a child who apparently knew that I didn't eat anything blue.  Because the handful of "buggies" that he held out to me was entirely comprised of only the blue ones.  Little snot!

In my "Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue" quest, however, I decided to brave up and give something blue a try.  Hence, my experience with "The Blue Thing" margarita at The Movie Tavern. 

I think I was able to forget about it's "blueness" because it was dark in the theater, and the tequila helped me not really care if my entire face was blue by the time I was halfway finished with it.  :-)  It was actually pretty good!  And I was rather proud of myself for having consumed a beverage that clearly wasn't made the natural way.