Recipes for the Cooking-Impaired

It's November now, and the holiday season will be here before we know it. It's a time of family gatherings, evenings out with friends, and endless potluck dinners. Yes, potlucks… For many of us, that one word can induce panic attacks complete with heart palpitations, shortness of breath, and cold sweats. We're the people whose first response to the potluck invitation is usually something along the lines of, "I'll bring the plates!"

It's not necessarily that we're cooking-impaired… Surely most of us could master boiling water provided we have careful instructions. I like to think that I am merely cooking-impatient. My personal philosophy is that anything that calls for more than five ingredients or that takes more than five minutes to prepare is just not worth the hassle (aka. the 5/5 Rule). Give me cold Pop Tarts or EZ Mac-N-Cheese any day.

Whatever the case, some of us just need a little help finding the perfect potluck dish. Luckily, I've collected a few recipes over the years that adhere to the 5/5 Rule, and you'd never be able to tell. People will rave about your tasty dishes. They'll beg you to tell them your secrets. I say, let them marvel at your newfound talents in the kitchen. They need never know you followed the 5/5 Rule.

Creamy Fruit Dip

1 bar cream cheese
1 jar marshmallow cream

Beat cream cheese. Add marshmallow cream; beat until smooth. Chill before serving.


(If you'd like to get really adventuresome, add a few tablespoons of crushed pineapple or orange juice to the mixture.)

--- NOTE: It might be a good idea to make sure someone is bringing a fruit tray before making Creamy Fruit Dip.



Dump Cake

(You can call this Cherry-Pineapple Upside-Down Cake for added flare)

1 box yellow cake mix
1 stick margarine
1 large can crushed pineapple (not drained)
1 can cherry pie filling

Mix pie filling and pineapple in a 9x11 glass dish. Cover with cake mix. Dot with margarine. Bake for 55 minutes in a 350 degree oven.

I Have a Dream...

As young girls, we dream of white knights on horseback, charging to our rescue with swords drawn. Nearing "spinsterhood" at the ripe old age of 32, many might suspect that I have given up on that girlhood dream of finding my Prince Charming. I assure you, nothing could be further from the truth.

I still have the dream… but having grown wiser and more practical in my old age, my dream of a white knight on horseback has morphed into something more along the lines of "Sweaty Lawnmower Man" riding in to save me in his double extended cab, giant-ass pickup truck (preferably with an attached trailer filled with various pieces of lawn maintenance equipment).

Lawnmower Man, with his trusty weed eater at his side, will single-handedly make his way through the scary-bad forest that was once my front yard. He will squash the enemy scorpions, spiders, and other vile creatures lingering in the dark all the while taking great care not to harm any of the gentle woodland creatures who have made the forest their home. Lawnmower Man will gingerly climb atop his riding lawnmower and proceed to destroy every waist-high weed that dares encroach on Castille d'Tammy. "You think my tractor's sexy?" he asks… "Oh, yeaahhh!!! (especially when it's mowing my lawn!)"

Yes… I still have the dream… and I believe that one day, my Sweaty Lawnmower Man will come… and we will live happily ever after.

~ The End ~

Hmmm...  Perhaps I should be a little more specific.  ;-)

Tattoo 2 (Man, These Things are Addicting!)

So, Mom and I went and got our tattoos last night! Mom's first one and my second... And who almost passed out??? MY SISTER!!!

Yep... One mention of the word, "needle" from Mom's tattoo artist, and we almost lost Christy. And that was BEFORE we even sat in the chairs!!! We were having to tell HER to take, "deep, cleansing breaths..." She had ALMOST recovered, and then I guess they got started on Mom's tattoo.

Apparently Mom did the whole, "clutch the chair arms and grimace in pain" thing that she did when she had her stitches taken out in the doctor's office after her foot surgery. I wouldn't know... I was facing the other direction getting my totally pain-free tattoo (more on that in a sec). But Christy nearly lost it again.

In her defense, I have to say that if Mom did THAT, I can't blame her. I was there when she had those stitches taken out, and that was the closest I had ever come to passing out without actually passing out. I remember thinking, "Man! It's hot in here!" Fanning myself and desperately wondering where the bathroom was so I could go splash cold water on my face. So if Christy had to watch THAT grimace, I know where she's coming from.

She should have just watched ME the whole time because my guy was AWESOME! I seriously barely felt it at all! I even told him as much, "You're GREAT! I can barely feel a thing!" He said, "Why thank you!" ...And Christy lost it again... THIS TIME in hysterical laughter. "Just what every guy wants to hear!" she laughed.

So that was our Friday night, Mommy-Daughter Outing. Ahhh... the things we do to bond with our moms... How times have changed...

(I put up a pic so you can see it. I changed it up a bit from my original plan.  Buddy and Ka-Diva are both really excited about Aunt Tammy's special tattoo just for them. They both even know what part is theirs. They haven't had a chance to see it yet though. They were asleep by the time we got home.)

New Tattoo

So, I'm getting another one, and I'm not going to wait to lose more weight. Too impatient... I've always wanted a treble clef with a flower intertwined, but I decided to change it up just a little and incorporate a couple of things for the twins with the treble clef. I had a great conversation with the twins at lunch today telling them all about it, and getting their input. (They are very opinionated these days.)

Aunt Tammy - "Guess what?!? Aunt Tammy's gonna get another tattoo, and this one is going to be special just for Buddy and Ka-Diva!"

Twins - (smiles) "Yeah!"

Aunt Tammy - "I'm going to get a yellow flower just for Buddy." (because he LOVES picking yellow flowers)

Buddy - (HUGE smile) "Oh! Yeah!!!"

Aunt Tammy - "And I'm getting a pink and purple butterfly just for Ka-Diva."

Yeah...  Not QUITE what I had in mind...

 

Ka-Diva - (considering that, replies) "No. BIG BUG!" (she's all about the big bugs right now)

Aunt Tammy - (laughing) "Well, I don't know about a big bug. How about a DRAGONFLY?" (making that sound really cool)

Ka-Diva - "Ohhhh... Yeah... OKAY!!! DRAGONFLY!!! YEAH!!!" (I must have succeeded in making a dragonfly sound exceptionally cool )

Ka-Diva then proceeded to tell Christy that "Mommy needs to get a tattoo too!" Christy (the big chicken) refused. "Mommy's not getting a tatoo. That's Aunt Tammy's thing." So, Cool Aunt Tammy strikes again!

Thursday's Move Drama

So I got to the house today, and they STILL hadn't been there (ooohhh... SHOCKER!)... I called the realtor again, and once again, she avoided my call (another shocker, I'm sure)... "No big deal... I'll do it all myself!" I thought. "I'm a big girl. How hard can it be?"

I took the key to the adjoining unit out of the lockbox, climbed up on a stepladder, and switched my broken light fixture with their non-broken one all by my little lonesome self. Problem #1 solved. I used the always-certain, country-bumpkin method of duct-taping the gaping hole under my back door so the critters can't get in. Problem #2 temporarily solved. My mom vacuumed the place, and it was clean and livable, and I scheduled the carpet cleaners for Tuesday afternoon at 3:00pm. Problem #3 solved. Exterminator came and sprayed for everything to take care of Problem #4, and the telephone and water guys got me all hooked up. I was on a roll!!!

Then I went into the hall bathroom to find a beautiful WATERFALL trickling out of my LIGHT FIXTURE, down the wall, and puddling onto the floor! The crack in the back door... Livable... Niagara Falls in my guest bath... NOT livable!

So I call the realtor, only to be ignored yet again, and then I got mad. (You'd think I would have been mad before that, but Zoloft really does work wonders) I didn't want to do it, but she forced me. I had to call her office. I feel very sorry for the man who answered the phone because he got an earful. But he promised to track her down and call me right back. And five minutes later, he called and assured me that THIS TIME, she would answer her phone. :-)

THEN the fun started. About two hours after I finally spoke to my realtor, three trucks pull up to my house. My realtor and her husband went and pulled the builder off of a job site and dragged him and a couple of his workers back to our duplexes. Apparently, they had already fired him from other jobs, and are about to sue him for what he's done with this job (Gee... That would have been great to know BEFORE I signed the lease). My realtor's husband is also a builder and the two guys nearly broke into several fistfights over the course of two hours. I began to wonder, "At what point does one call the cops?"

So we have Incompetent, RUDE, Abrasive Builder who blamed everyone EXCEPT himself for his crappy work. (Did you know that it was MY fault things didn't get done because I wasn't at the house when he came by? Well, DUH, you freakin' idiot! I DON'T LIVE THERE!!! That went over really well with me. Moron.) We have Obnoxious, Know-It-All Builder (Realtor's husband) who was sure to point out numerous times how HE would have done things correctly because he "builds half-million dollar homes". We have Blonde Chick (My realtor) who is just that… Blonde. All three going at each other... Blonde Chick stuck in the middle because Incompetent Builder refused to speak to Obnoxious Builder directly. Incompetent Builder telling me and Blonde Chick that he'll give us the numbers of all of the subcontractors that he used to do the work and we can call them ourselves because he "just forgot about some of it." (Another thing that didn't go over well with me. I told him that is HIS job and I'M not doing it.) But mostly, Mom and I just sitting there cracking up because it was so funny…

They never did completely fix the water leak, but Obnoxious Builder figured out what the problem was. There was a broken pipe where the A/C is supposed to drain. But he temporarily fixed it… With duct tape, of course…

Stay tuned for more in the continuing saga… Friday is Christy and Sasha's turn to join in the fun! (Sash – Call me if you still want to come by. But you enter at your own risk! There's no telling what fun adventures lie ahead!