So That's That...

The Booger Bear's gone. After 10 months with me, the court sent him to live with his daddy (effective immediately). No overnight visits or building up to the transition... Just took him out of the only home he's ever known and said, "good luck!" I haven't even been able to see him or say goodbye. Today was his dad's visitation day anyway, so he wasn't going to be home until 8:00. After the ruling, they decided just to leave him there. If I had known that this morning was going to be the last time I ever saw him, I would have taken the day off...  Made it special...  Said goodbye...

They came by to pick up some of his important "bedtime" things, but didn't bring J inside. I suppose it was just as well because I knew I couldn't look at him without completely breaking down. I wouldn't want to scare him any more than he is already going to be when he realizes he isn't coming back to the only home he's ever had and the only full-time parent he's ever known. Hopefully I'll be able to see him this weekend without breaking into a million pieces. His dad keeps saying over and over that he wants J to still be able to see me. He knows how hard it's going to be on him. I just pray he means it.

I'll be writing a lot more later. I just wanted to ask everyone to pray that J isn't too scared or confused, and that he will be okay without me. Please pray that my arms don't feel this empty forever, and that my heart can be mended enough to help some other baby who needs me...

I Just Can't Take Him Anywhere!

When the Booger Bear was younger, he would say "hi" to everyone we passed in the grocery store aisles. He would smile, wave, flirt... Pretty much win the hearts of everyone we ran into... That was cute. Everyone smiled and it turned into a game when he would say "hi" to the same person in each of the 20 rows of the grocery store.

Now that he's older, and is considerably louder more vocal than he used to be, it's become slightly embarrassing being seen with the Booger in public. It started around 12 months old, when he developed a strange obsession for bananas. We couldn't go into the produce section of the store without him shouting, "NANAS!!! NANAS!!!" I would whisper, "Yes, baby. We're getting bananas." He would continue to shout until I physically picked up the bananas, and I let him HOLD the bananas the rest of the shopping trip. Then, he would go into a full-blown panic when it came time to pay. I would assure him that he would get the bananas back, and I would have to let him hand the "nanas" to the cashier (who also had to reassure him that she wasn't stealing his bananas). He would eye her suspiciously until she bagged them and handed them back.

If only it had stopped there...

I realized around 14 months old that Booger's vocabulary was much, much different than the other children when we were passing through the lingerie section in Target. The Booger started pointing and shouting, "RA!!! RA!!!" (OMG! Is it possible to pretend like I don't know this baby?) I tried to ignore him, thinking he would stop. But when I failed to acknowledge his excited exclamations, he started pulling on my arm, pointing at the bras, and shouting, "Mimi!!! RA!!! RA, Mimi!!!" I lean down and whisper, "Yes, baby. You're right. Those are bras." I tried to ignore the stares and not-so-muffled chuckling of the other Target patrons, but that's rather difficult to do when your child is engaging them in conversation by smiling, saying "hi," then pointing to the bras, and shouting, "RA!!!" Seriously. Shoot me now. CPS is SOOOO going to take my license away.

Booger has also decided in the past couple of months that every young man is "Daddy," and every older man is "Papa." Want to get a good laugh? Just take a toddler in public and watch the young men squirm and panic as he points at them and shouts at the top of his lungs, "DADDY!!!" Hee-hee... :-) I'm holding off on telling my brother-in-law that Booger calls him "Papa" when he talks about him though. Three months younger than me, and he never lets me forget it... So I'm waiting until next month on his 35th birthday to tell him that the Booger thinks he's too old to be his daddy. I'm so mean. :-)

I took the Booger shopping the weekend before I broke my leg, and swore I would NEVER take him in public again. He pulled every last obnoxious toddler trick in the book... Standing up in the cart... Screaming temper tantrums when I wouldn't let him hold breakable items... Slapping me when I told him to stop... I realized that I had become one of those parents that everyone stares at in disgust because I didn't abandon my shopping cart immediately and remove the screamer from the store. I also (finally) understood why parents don't immediately leave. I just wanted to get every last possible item that I could potentially need for the next year just so I would never have to take the Little Toot in public again!

Fortunately (I guess), I broke my leg the next week, and the Booger went two entire months without shopping because my mom did almost all of it while I was wheelchair-bound. I got brave and ventured out with the Booger for the first time last weekend, and it went surprisingly well. I think it had been so long since he'd been shopping that it had become something new and exciting again. I thought I was in the clear! ...and then we got to the checkout line and he spotted the janitorial cleaning cart... Booger loves to clean. He is obsessed with cleaning (seriously OCD baby here, I'm telling you). The old Booger came back with a vengeance as he began shouting and crying, "ROOM! ROOM! PLAY ROOM! WEEP!" (Broom, broom, play broom. Sweep.)

I think it might be a while before we go back to Target. I don't think they like us there anymore. :-(

Where's the Genie?!?

Only one more week, and I should be fracture boot-free!!! However, now that I've been able to do more and more on my own, and my mom has moved back home, I've come to the realization that I've become slightly spoiled.

When I first decided to do foster care, I went into it as a single, working mom. I adjusted really well, and was totally used to doing everything completely on my own. I never knew anything different! After I fell and broke my leg, my mom moved in to help take care of me and the Booger Bear. ...and I got spoiled.

I realized that last night when I opened the cabinet to get a sippy cup, and there weren't any in there! "But there are always clean sippy cups! How did this happen?!?" :-( I hand-washed a cup, opened the fridge to pour J some juice... AND THERE WAS NO MORE JUICE!!! WTF?!? Then, this morning after I had changed J's diaper and went to throw it in the Diaper Genie... "WHERE THE HECK DID THAT DAMN GENIE GO?!?" It was completely overflowing!!!

I don't understand. Things were going SO WELL! Seriously! My ceiling fan blades even got a dusting when my mom was with me! The dishes were done, the trash was taken out, the bathrooms were clean, the catbox was clean, the windows were cleaned for crying out loud! There was this magical house-cleaning genie who moved in around the same time that my mom came to help me with the baby, but I think she moved out when my mom left. :-(

I am sad now, and I've decided that I rather liked having a two-parent household. I guess that means I'm going to have to break down and start actively looking for a husband. Only somehow, I don't think a husband could take the place of my magical house-cleaning genie. :-)

Prayer Request

The big court date is in one week, and it's going to be a doozy with the Booger Bear stuck in the middle of what seems like a huge custody battle. His caseworker tells me that, barring any unexpected surprises from the judge, J should be staying with me for at least a few more months as we transition him into his Daddy's care.

Selfishly, I want to pray that the judge say, "He is perfect where he is. Leave this baby alone." But I'm not going to do that. The goal of foster care is to reunite families if at all possible, and I knew that when I went into this, even though I really, REALLY want to be able to adopt this sweet little boy who's been with me almost a year. I wanted to foster infants because the first few years of a child's life are SO CRUCIAL when it comes to their ability to attach, trust, cope, etc. as an adult. I wanted to be able to give these babies what they needed in a time when their biological families just can't do it.  The Booger Bear has been with me most of his life, and in my heart, he's my son. And while I want nothing more than to have him with me permanently, I won't ask for that. Instead, I ask that you pray for the following:

Prayers for the Booger Bear - In the week leading up to the hearing and in the coming months, please pray that the judge, CPS, the attorneys, his biological family, myself, etc. come together to make the best decision possible for J. Please pray that when the time comes for him to leave the only home he's ever really known, that the transition be as easy on him as possible. Pray that his biological family continue to come together to make him feel as safe, comfortable, and as happy as he has been with me. Pray that he continues to be the happy, intelligent, loveable, well-adjusted little boy that he has turned out to be, and that he continues to thrive with his dad and his family if that is what the judge thinks is best. Please pray that J's mom get the help that she needs for herself in order to be a positive part of his life.

Prayers for Me - Please pray that I am able to accept whatever decision the judge makes, and that I can stay strong and encourging for the Booger when he leaves me. Please pray that I remember WHY I made the decision to foster infants, and that I have peace in knowing that I have been the best mom to J that I could possibly be in the year that he's been with me. Please pray that I have the strength to continue fostering. I know there are other babies out there who need the same kind of love, security, protection, and guidance from me that the Booger Bear needed when he first came to my door. The only difference is that J now has a biological family who can give him that to the best of their ability, and these other babies don't.

Prayers for My Family & Friends - Please pray that my mom, dad, sister, niece, nephew, extended family and close friends who have almost as much love invested in this sweet little boy as I do come to the same peace that I hope to gain for myself. Pray that they can open their hearts to any other babies who come into my life just as freely in the future as they did with J. In the end, whether the Booger Bear remains with me a while longer or goes to his biological family, he is who he is and the man he will become because they loved him too.

Please keep J and the rest of us in your prayers in the coming weeks and months. Thank you, everyone, for all of your support!

"SNOW!!! BRRRR!!! COLD!!!"

February 11th, 2010... The day that it snowed 12.5 inches in Dallas/Fort Worth... More than any time, ever, in the history of however long they've been keeping record of it.

I was just starting Week 5 of Gimp Girl Confinement, so my mom was still living with me and the Booger. She came in that morning and said, "Have you looked outside?" I had forgotten that there was a chance of snow, so I asked her if it was snowing. She laughed and said, "Uh... Yeah!" I couldn't believe my eyes when I looked out there! Normally, when you get snow in Texas, you can still see the grass in between snow patches. Our "snowmen" are usually rather dirty and tend to be a mixture of snow, dirt, and dead grass. So when I looked outside and saw what looked to already be about 3-4 inches of snow and snowflakes the size of my hand still coming down, I was giddy!

I told the Booger Bear to go look outside and he ran to the window. "SNOW!!! BRRR!!! COLD!!!" He then asked if he could go "out?" We waited until my boss officially told me not to bother going into work. I had told him that I would go, but that someone would need to come and get me. I pretty much knew that no one was going to want to get out in that, push me in my wheelchair through several inches of snow, load the wheelchair, and do it again to bring me home, but I offered to go in anyway. I'm all nice and responsible and a total team player that way. ;-) When I got the "all-clear" from work, we bundled up J and my mom took him outside.

He was NOT a fan.

He made it one step outside the front door and REFUSED to let my mom put him down. He kept saying that he was "wet." So we decided to let him play on the patio, away from the 3 inch snowflakes, and brought the snow to him! He had a blast making a pint-sized snowman, swinging with Nana, eating the "ice," and just looking out at the snow coming down.

My sister and the twins had some fun that day too. Christy stayed home from work and she supervised and helped the twins build a beautiful snowman!

She was very proud of herself and revelled in being the "cool mom" until my brother-in-law got home and had to one-up her...

You really can't beat the coolness of a snowmountain. Show-off. ;-P

The next morning, my boss called and told me that they were going to open at noon, but not to come in if it was going to be a problem. I laughed. I was pretty sure it was going to be a problem. Do you see my wheelchair ramp in this picture?

Neither did I. Needless to say, I didn't go to work that day. My mom, however, did don a lovely pair of "snowshoes" (aka. plastic shopping bags) and brought the "snowshovel" (aka. my Swiffer Sweeper) out in an attempt to at least clear off the ramp. The Booger was a little concerned that Nana had completely lost her mind. He kept pointing at her feet, saying "Uh-ohhhh!" I'm not sure if his concern was because she had plastic bags on her feet, or because the plastic bags didn't match. :D He was also rather jealous because she was using cleaning supplies. I've mentioned before that J is a wee bit OCD.

By Saturday, we still hadn't been able to venture out. My sister and brother-in-law, however, made it to us, and greeted my mother with, "Did you know a tree fell on your car?!?" The weight from the foot of snow completely uprooted trees all over the Metroplex, and one of them happened to be right in my very own parking lot. Thankfully, the tree didn't fall ON her car... It fell NEXT TO her car... But this isn't what you want to see when you go to your car after two days of being housebound.

You've got to love Texas weather though. Over a foot of snow in 24 hours one day, almost melted the next! It was definitely an interesting few days!