3 Years Ago...

 

 

Three years ago today, I made "The Big Decision."  I made the decision to enter the world of Foster/Adopt Land...  and my life was forever changed...

Three years ago...

I was a single woman with a spoiled cat.

I was "Fun Aunt Tammy" to 3-year-old boy/girl twins.

I came home to a quiet, clean apartment after work every day.

I stayed up til 3 in the morning on the weekends.

I slept as late as I wanted on Saturdays and Sundays, and I took 3-hour naps.

I had occassional Girls' Nights with grown women and no kids.

I went to the grocery store twice a month, and only had to carry in three bags.

I went on vacations and took spur-of-the-moment weekend roadtrips.

When I got bored, I'd hop in the car and go shopping.

When I got hungry, I'd hop in the car and go through a drive thru.

Did I mention I took 3-hour naps?



And then I moved to Foster/Adopt Land,

and everything changed...

Three years later...

I am a single woman with a spoiled cat.

I have been "Mimi, Mom, and Mama" to six foster kiddos, an honorary granddaughter, and an amazing honorary daughter.

My extended "family" has grown by leaps and bounds as Booger's and Heaven's families and I have unofficially "adopted" each other.

  I am "Fun Aunt Tammy" to now 6-year-old boy/girl twins and almost 6-month-old boy/girl twins.

I come home to an apartment overrun with baby gear, laundry, and bottles after work every day.

I also come home to a super-happy baby boy.  :-)

I am still awake at 3:00am, but it is only for that middle of the night feeding.

Some nights, I am sawing logs at 9:00pm.

I wake up at 6:30am every single day to happy baby chatter on the baby monitor.

I catch occassional catnaps when the baby finally decides to sleep.

Girls' Nights are more like "afternoon playdates" with my BFFs and all of our kiddos.

I live at the grocery store, and have to wheel in the groceries in the stroller.

I haven't left my city in three years.

When I get bored...  Wait a second...  I don't think I've BEEN bored in three years!

When I get hungry, I order pizza.  They deliver.

I do miss my 3-hour naps...

But I wouldn't have it any other way!!!

:-)

"Foster Friday" - You Want Me to Do WHAT?!? - Crazy Foster Care Rules

Gotta love those "CPS Minimum Standards!"  (Ours happens to be a 355-page manual that foster parents are expected to know inside and out even though it changes at least once a year.)  And then you have your agency requirements that make absolutely NO sense and leave you dazed and confused and thinking, "Seriously?  You seriously expect me to do that?"  Things like: "A clean towel and handsoap must be readily-available for children's use in the restroom."  Immediately followed by, "Handsoap must be stored out of reach of children."  HUH?!? 

With so many rules and regulations, it can all be very overwhelming for newer parents in Foster/Adopt Land.  Fortunately, most parents soon learn to recognize what I refer to as the "CPS Levels of Naughtiness."  This refers to the level of severity of the rule that has been broken.  Because it doesn't matter how good you are or how hard you try...  You will break rules.  Mostly due to the fact that CPS has oh-so-ingeniously created conflicting rules and regulations just to cover their own butts (hence the "locked-away handsoap that should be readily-accesssible to children" rule).

"The CPS Levels of Naughtiness"

1)  "A Rule Simply Because We Think it Looks Good on Paper, but We Really Don't Care if You Follow It or Not" - These include, but are not limited to:

• The locked away handsoap that is readily-accessible to children (Not once in three years has anyone mentioned this rule to me outside of asking me to read that section in the Minimum Standards during a quarterly visit).
• The "do not use foil" rule (again, only read about in quarterly visits).

2) "A Rule That We Change Every Quarter Because We Think 'Written Warnings' Make Us Look Like We're Doing Our Job" - These are those rules that they, without fail, ask you about every single time they step in your house.  You think you are following the rule because they do ask you about it every time they step in the door, but you soon discover that what they told you the previous visit has been changed to something completely different this time around, and you get a "talking to" and a notation on your quarterly inspection report.

• For me, this has been medication storage and what counts as "locks," as well as how many locks are required for what types of medications.  CPS Minimum Standards state that "all medications should be locked, with topical and ingestible medications stored separately.  Psychotropic medications should be double locked."  I know this because I have taken that stinking Medication class every. freaking. year. since I began fostering.  It's one of those required annual refresher courses that make seasoned foster parents want to poke out their own eyeballs with hot sticks.  My agency, on the other hand, likes to shake things up every quarter by making up their own rules.  "All medication should be locked."  "All medication should be double locked."  "Psychotropic meds should be triple locked."  "Psychotropic meds should be double locked."  "Cabinet locks do count as a lock."  "Cabinet locks do not count as a lock."  "Topicals and ingestibles need to be stored in separate compartments of the locked medicine box."  "Topicals and ingestibles need to be store in separate locked medical boxes."  Yeah...  You can see why there is no hope and that foster parents will inevitably get a "You've Been Naughty" letter no matter what they do.  It used to bother me.  Now, I just smile and nod and follow CPS Minimum Standards and play dumb when it comes to my agency.  ;-)

3)  "Strictly Forbidden by Punishment of Death" - Meaning the CPS Powers That Be would have me taken out back and flogged should I fail to strictly adhere to the rule.  These usually pertain to things and techniques that your own parents used for you and that you survived in one piece.  The number one thing being:

• The use of Johnny Jump-Ups - I can think of things that are waaaaayyyy worse than letting a baby jump away in a toy that babies have successfully enjoyed for decades, but Heaven-forbid you even mention Johnny Jump-Ups in a CPS workers presence!  You will be the recipient of the "side-eye" for certain.

So what foster care rules drive YOU bonkers?  There are so many more that I could ramble on about, but I thought I'd give all of you a chance to join in the fun.  ;-)

Meeting the Parents

Monkey has been with me for nearly five months now, and up until last week I still hadn't met his parents. 

His case has been all over the place from the very beginning.  His parents have been "on again, off again" every other week since he came into care.  Mom has health and dependency issues.  Dad has a big problem with women and tends to let that be known in a wide variety of ways (a fact that didn't bode well for him in the beginning considering every major player determining who will gain custody of Monkey is a woman).  His parents seem to be working hard on their service plans now though, and although they are kind of all over the map (one step forward, two steps back; three steps forward, one step back), they do seem to be making progress over this past month.

I have to say, I have so much compassion for this mom and have since I heard her story two weeks after Monkey came to me.  Ordinarily, I wouldn't share this much about my kids' parents, but I think in this case, it kind of breaks the stereotypes that many people have about biological parents of children in care.  Monkey's mom is a recent cancer survivor.  Her dependency issues began while she was fighting her disease.  When she found out she was pregnant only two months after being in remission, her doctors advised her to terminate the pregnancy as her cancer was hormone based.  She carried Monkey against medical advice, and now calls him her "miracle baby."  She has no family in the States, barely speaks English, has an unstable, sometimes volatile relationship with Monkey's dad, and has been fighting for herself (and now for Monkey) pretty much all alone. 

Up until a few weeks ago, the Invisible CPS Caseworker was rather hesitant for me to have any contact with his parents for many reasons.  But last Tuesday, she called me and asked if I could possibly transport Monkey to his Wednesday visitation.  His parents were "on again" that week so their visit was going to be together.  I asked if she thought I might be able to meet them, and after thinking about it she replied, "You know, I don't have a problem with that.  They both seem to be in a lot better place now, and really aren't that crazy."  She went on to say, "Well, I mean...  They're crazy...  But they aren't CUH-RAY-ZEE."  She added that she thought it would be really productive for them to meet me.

So the next morning, I headed to the CPS office with my little Chunky Monkey, and waited in the parking lot for The Invisible One to arrive so we could walk in together.  His parents had no idea that I was going to be there because it was such a last-minute decision so she wanted to be able to introduce us.  We walked in and Monkey's mom immediately ran up and hugged the caseworker and tried to explain where she had been since she got out of rehab two weeks before.  I handed Monkey to his mom as his dad walked towards us, looking at me kind of questioningly.  The Invisible One introduced me to Monkey's dad, and I swear the huge smile that came onto his face turned this man into my Chunky Monkey in 40 years!!!  There is no doubt who Monkey's daddy is.  He looks exactly like his father.  :-)

His dad shook my hand excitedly with that huge smile and just said, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!" over and over.  Any fear that I had about how he would respond to me (the woman raising his child) pretty much disappeared.  You might be able to fake a smile on your lips, but you can't fake the smile in your eyes.  We all turned towards Monkey's mom and The Invisible One tried to introduce us, but I could tell that his mom didn't understand who I actually was.  She smiled and shook my hand, but you could tell she didn't really comprehend things.  I left the office as Monkey's dad was "goo-goo, gaga-ing" him and his mom was hugging and kissing all over him.  I have to admit, seeing Monkey's dad going all melty over him made me feel a bit better about him gaining custody of my baby.  I definitely have my reservations, but it's good to know that he does love that baby.  I've never had any doubt about how Monkey's mom feels.  She has been sending letters home in his diaper bag after visits...  Some in Spanish, some in broken English so I can understand and read them to him.  It is very, very clear how much she loves him and how hard she is trying to bring him home.

When I came back to the CPS office an hour later, Monkey's mom spotted me from across the room and came running out towards me carrying the baby.  Her eyes were huge, and she just kept saying, "I so sorry!!!  I no understand!!!  Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!"  Monkey's dad explained to her who I was during the visit and she was so happy to really meet me when I came back.  She grabbed me in a huge hug and I thought she'd never let go.  She just kept thanking me over and over and started tearing up.

Monkey was so good.  He's a ridiculously happy baby, so not much phases him.  He did take one look at me and lunged for me (in an "excited to see my Mama" way), but his mom seemed okay with it.  She just handed him to me and kept on smiling and thanking me.  By this time, Monkey's dad and The Invisible CPS Caseworker were standing with us, and we all talked for a few minutes.  Monkey's dad did his best to translate for his mom.  His English is very broken as well, but he does a good job explaining things.  Things that were said:

• Both parents commented on how happy Monkey is and how he is always smiling.
• They thanked me for sending all of the pictures and photobooks.
• We talked about how Monkey is teething and drools a lot.
• We talked about how Monkey hates peaches and I showed them the face that he makes when I try to give them to him.
• His mom asked if I read her letters and I assured her that I have read them to Monkey and that I've saved all of them for him to keep.
• I told them that I talk about his Momi and Papi every night before bed and tell him that they love him.
• We talked about lots of little things that only I know about him and that I knew they would love to hear. 

And then his mom said something to me that completely broke my heart.  His dad translated when she asked me...  "Please love my baby."  I assured them both that I love him very, very much and that they never have to worry about that.  She nodded, hugged me again, and said "he very happy."  ...and then she turned away to compose herself.  :(  I swear, I've never wanted to take a mom home with me so badly!

Overall, the visit was a huge success.  I left there feeling much better about where Monkey's case is headed, and really hoping that his mom can overcome all of the obstacles that she is facing.  And if you think about it, please say a little prayer for her...  She is worried that her cancer is back, and the thought of that is devastating for everyone.  She loves her son...  She fought hard to carry him and give birth to him...  She is fighting so hard to be the kind of mom he deserves...  And more than anything, he needs the opportunity to know and love her.

Morning Conversation

Upon walking into work this morning...

Me (with a giddy smile on my face):  "Guess who slept through the night last night?!?

(7-months-old and Monkey still wakes up at 3:30am every night for a bottle!)

Co-Worker (excitedly exclaims):  "MONKEY!!!"

Me:  "I have no idea!  But I sure did!!!"

* No babies were left crying and unattended throughout the night while Mama was drooling on her pillow.  I'm fairly certain anyway...  ;-)

A Little Tuesday Humor

Totally having one of these weeks...

(and it's only Tuesday)