Waiting...

Today was rather eventful day in the foster/adopt realm, with absolutely nothing to show for it in the end. I was out to lunch with my mom, and I heard my message tone on my phone. I was half-expecting Katie to text me because I knew she had taken Colton to the doctor, so I glanced down to read what I thought was a text from her only to discover that I had missed a call from Pathways (my agency)! I went to listen to the message, and all I got was, "Hey Tammy. It's Stephanie from Pathways. I put in for a 4-week-old baby for y..." AND THEN IT CUT HER OFF!!!

I immediately called her back and found out that she had put in my name for a 4-week-old baby girl who had just become available. She said that the broadcast would be open until 1:00, but that she'd let me know by 2:00 if I'd get to have her. Apparently, the State sends out a broadcast email to all of the participating agencies in the county every time a child needs a foster home. The case managers constantly monitor their email, and immediately submit the information for matching foster parents, and I guess the State chooses from there. Unfortunately, once again, I didn't end up getting the baby.

I'm SO FRUSTRATED! I've wanted to be a mom for so long, and it seems like every time it looks like I might be getting closer, something always stops it. I've been trying seriously to make this happen for about five years. I've always had the feeling that I was going to adopt because I'd had so many "girlie" problems, but private adoption is so expensive. So when I first started thinking about having a baby, I tried my OBGYN first. This was about four or five years ago. I just wanted to see what my chances were of being able to get pregnant. We ended up doing another laparoscopy to try to clean everything up, and he was going to check to see if my tubes were blocked at the same time. It turned out that the chances of me ever getting pregnant without in vitro were pretty much slim to none, and even then chances weren't great. So the "getting pregnant" option was pretty much out. Four months later, I ended up having a hysterectomy anyway, so the pregnancy thing was definitely out at that point. On to adoption...

After the hysterectomy, I started seriously searching for an adoption agency for a domestic adoption. This proved to be EXTREMELY frustrating. The Christian agencies won't even consider singles. I guess in their eyes, you have to be married in order to be a good parent. I did find a good agency that I planned on using, but who can honestly afford a full year's salary to adopt and also pay all of the birthmother's living and medical expenses?!? So I looked into international adoption, and decided on adopting from Guatemala. They accept single mothers. Most of the babies are in private foster homes, rather than orphanages. And you can usually have the baby home by the time they are 6 months old (extremely young for international adoptions). It was still going to take quite a while to save up the money (about $20,000), but it was a doable plan. ...Until new regulations in 2007 made it just about impossible to adopt from there. There are actually people who were matched back in 2007 who are still waiting to bring their children home! So much for Guatemala...


That's when I decided to look into fostering to adopt. I'd always stayed away from the idea because I know how attached I will get, and having to give the babies back will be horrible. But most foster parents do get to adopt within the first two to four placements, and it's only around $1,500 as opposed to $30K or more. But after the past five months, I can see why they "bribe" hopeful parents with the lower cost. You have to jump through more hoops than the dolphins at Sea World! They place completely unrealistic expectations on you and what they feel a "good" household should be. I mean, seriously! Who honestly double-locks their medications?!? How many of us haven't put a box of leftover pizza in the refrigerator?!? (Note to all you parents out there. If you do that, you're BAD! You have to put it in an airtight container. "Good" parents don't use foil, you know!) A what normal person doesn't leave their shampoo in the shower?!? That's where it needs to be, for crying out loud!!! It also seems like they constantly tease you with, "We have a baby for you!" "Oops! No we don't!" It's already happened to me twice in three weeks!

I just get so frustrated because here I am, wanting to be a mom so much, and knowing that I'll be a great one, but I have to constantly "prove my worthiness" to be a parent and have complete strangers judging me on a daily basis by my little biographical sketch in my homestudy. There are people out there who have NO BUSINESS having babies popping them out like pez dispensers (ex. Octo-Mom with her 14 kids). No one is making her prove her worthiness as a parent! Oh NO! They're paying her to exploit her children while she asks for handouts and gets plastic surgery for herself! (Sorry... But that woman makes me MAD!)

Anyway... As you can tell, I'm having kind of a rough day. I know everyone keeps saying that "my" baby will come soon, but with fostering, I won't even know if it will be "my" baby when I get him or her. Chances are, I will only have them for a year, and will have to give them back. I just hope that I will be able to have my own family soon... That I will be able to adopt eventually and won't have to continue to "prove myself" forever... and I pray that I'm strong enough to get through all of the ups and downs that come with this foster/adopt train, and that my heart doesn't get completely shattered in the process.

I'm So Ashamed...

 

 

It was a fairly uneventful day today. Paid lots and lots of bills, fixed all sorts of messes that came up while I was sick, and "saved lives by making transfusion possible" seeing as how that's my job and all... I did, however, get my name on the board for talking too much (Thanks a lot, Katie!). There was NO ONE at work today, so I was on the phone a lot while I was coding the 10,000 invoices that I get every week. I'm very talented at multi-tasking. Apparently though, I talked too much, or I didn't use my "library voice" as stated in the Cubicle Etiquette Handbook, thus resulting in what I believe is my third demerit for the month of February.

My first "implied via ESP" demerit was most likely bestowed upon me when I neglected to give proper two week written notice of a completely unpredictable illness. I say "implied via ESP" because no one actually said anything to me about it, but I am almost certain there were discussions while I was bedridden for nearly a week. I doubt I will hear anything at all until I have hit demerit number five, and am sent to trial do determine whether or not I am to be publicly flogged in the breakroom.

I think demerit number two was thrown my way yesterday when I failed to get a potty pass. Again, no words were spoken, but I did receive "looks" when I arose from my chair, left the confines of my cubicle, and exited the department without announcing in a loud, clearly enunciated voice that I "HAD TO GO POTTY" and putting up my big orange sign that says something along the lines of "Tammy is in the 3rd stall on the left in the upstairs women's restroom if you want to hound her before she comes back in no more than two minutes." I'm not really sure what happens at two minutes and one second, but I think they come to the stall and request your badge so they can go to the timeclock and clock you out until you return to be shackled to your desk.

I just can't wait to see what they come up with next! It's always so exciting! I should probably go ahead and tell them now that I do plan to retire in 30 years. I just hope that's enough notice! I just love my job. It's so rewarding, and it makes me feel so good to have an actual grown up career. Not at all like when I was 18-years-old and had to make a mad run to the timeclock at Mervyn's to clock in before 9:07 or I went on the "Naughty List." Oh! Wait! It IS like that! It is exactly like that! Too bad Mervyn's went bankrupt. At least I got a shopping discount there!

So Katie... If you call me tomorrow, be sure to whisper so I don't feel the urge to talk too loudly... "Library voices" and all, remember... I think if I get a fourth demerit, I have to give up my firstborn. And seeing as how I'm going through quite a bit to get my firstborn, I really don't want to have to give him or her up just yet! :-)

The Journey Begins...

Well, I guess today is as good a day as any to start an actual blog site. I tend to have random pieces strewn about my desk, the computer, and various networking sites. I thought I'd compile everything here, as well as try to start blogging regularly. I did a lot of blogging over the past couple of years when I was going through all of my "craziness." Looking back at things that I'd written, I can definitely see the change in me. It's good to be able to go back and see how far I've come. With that in mind, I thought it would be a good idea to start blogging about my whole fostering to adopt journey.

The past four days or so have given me my first little taste of what a roller coaster ride this whole fostering to adopt thing is going to be. I found out last Friday that I was going to be a temporary respite provider for a 2-month-old baby girl whose foster family was going out of state. It was only supposed to be for 5 days, but it was going to be my first taste of having a little one in the house. I spent the weekend getting prepared. I lined up childcare (my mom and Melissa are going to be my lifesavers during this whole process!). I arranged the nursery. I started allowing myself to get really excited, only to get a message today that the judge had ordered that the baby and her siblings be permanently placed with a relative. Great news for the baby! Total letdown for me. :-(

I think this is good for me to experience though. It's a great reminder of how minute-to-minute foster care can be. It's a great reminder of the fact that I'm going to need to be constantly open to change and adaptable to whatever comes up. And it's a great reminder of the ultimate goal of foster care... to keep families together whenever possible.

I'll have plenty of opportunities to be there for the children who need me. Hopefully, I'll have the chance to give many little ones the love and security that they need while we figure out what is best for them in the long run. It's not about my wants, it's about their needs. And when I am finally able to adopt, it will just be an added blessing. I guess I'm just back to waiting for Foster Baby #1, trying to remind myself to stay flexible, and remembering that everything happens for a reason. We might not always know what that reason is right away, but we can always see it in hindsight. So until then... I guess I'll just wait and see what tomorrow has in store!

25 Random Tammy Things

 

 

1. I don't eat blue food. It is just not right. My logic? If God wanted us to eat blue things, there would be blue things in nature for us to eat (and blueberries don't count because, technically, you're not supposed to eat them until they are purple).

2. I write about totally random things. You name it, I've probably blogged about it at some point (or WILL blog about it just to prove my point). My breast reduction, the awesomeness of my stapler, my dream of the Lawnmower Man, my dislike of sweat... I've blogged about it all!

3. I want to publish a book of my random blogs and witty emails. It's all floating around the Internet as it is... I might as well collect some royalties off of it.

4. I LOVE LISTS!!! I make lists of the lists that I need to make. I'll even ADD something to my list that I've already done, just so I can check it off as being completed!

5. I will marry the man who proposes to me with free-flow ink highlighters. HIGHLIGHTERS ROCK!!!

6. There is nothing more irritating than walking into a bathroom with three half-used rolls of toilet paper sitting everywhere EXCEPT on the toilet paper holder.

7. I would love to make a living off of writing greeting cards. But not your typical greeting cards... I want to write cards for EVERY occasion. Because you never know when you're going to need a good luck card for a vasectomy reversal or consolation card for a doctor being sued for malpractice.

8. I love taking personality tests and being profiled. Mostly because I fall into the "less than 1% of the population" area, and my shrinks and professors are completely stumped by me. I am a walking contradiction to myself. It's a lot of fun! It's also partly why I'm on bipolar medication. :-)

9. I'm sarcastic, witty, stubborn, and pretty much say exactly what's on my mind without really caring whether or not it will get me into trouble. On the other hand, I'm extremely empathetic, a great listener, and I have a way of knowing what someone needs from me. I have this romantic spirit and am constantly trying to see the beauty in everyone and everything. While I love my lists, love order, and can be practical at times, I also believe in reaching for the stars and in going for your dreams.

10. I never finished college because I can't make up my freaking mind about what I want to do! Do they even HAVE a degree for Marine Biologist/Photojournalist/Greeting Card Writer/Social Workers who do Interior and Architectural Design on the side?

11. I'm a reality show junkie. And the crazier, the better. Nothing makes you feel better about yourself than watching people who are more screwed up than you make complete fools of themselves on national television.

12. I love watching The Biggest Loser until about week 7, when those fat chicks end up weighing less than me. Then, not so much.

13. I can do all sorts of things fairly well, and can pick up pretty much anything if I try. But I can not for the life of me draw or paint. It's rather embarrassing when a 3-year-old takes the paper from you and says, "Here, Tammy... Let me do that for you."

14. I've ALWAYS wanted a house FULL of kids, but I've NEVER wanted to be pregnant. I've always wanted to adopt AT LEAST five children.

15. According to my preschool teacher, I am "a natural leader." Although, I think that was her politically correct way of saying, "Tammy is extremely bossy."

16. I LOVE that my niece is EXACTLY like me. She is a 34-year-old in a 4-year-old's body. I'll never have to wonder what my own biological children would be like, because she's it. My Mini Me. Poor Christy and Chris... They're gonna have their hands full with her. :-)

17. I think my nephew is the sweetest, most entertaining, most endearing kid on the planet. I think he's going to be our little actor in the family. I totally see him doing musical theater. (Chris is probably freaking out right about now at the mere mention of it. :-)

18. I'm terrified of falling. Me falling. Other people falling. It doesn't matter. It's not so much that I'm afraid of heights (although that's just further to fall!). I don't even like to stand on an 8 inch step stool if it's not solidly planted on the ground. But seeing as how I've falling down flights of icy stairs TWICE now, the fear of falling thing seems valid to me.

19. I believe that firemen are about the SEXIEST people on the planet. Well, firemen and Steve Burton (aka. Jason Morgan on General Hospital). Oh! And Tim McGraw! And now that I think about it... Matthew McCaunoghey is rather yummy too. And cowboys! But not the icky, dirty cowboys with no teeth who roll around in cow poop and never bath... I'm thinking more along the lines of the ones who tame wild horses and stuff.

20. I DESPISE cleaning the bathroom more than anything in the world. I will soon be hiring a maid JUST to clean my bathroom. (And you people think I'm kidding...)

21. I would LOVE to homeschool my brood of children and go RV-ing across the US. There's no better way to learn than to see and do hands' on!

22. I love photography. I love the rush I get when I see something that I'm not necessarily looking for, but find anyway and capture it on film. I love how I can look at a photo even years later, and still feel that rush, or remember the exact moment... A picture really can speak a thousand words.

23. I LOVE ROAD TRIPS!!! I think the best vacations are the ones that are completely unplanned. Hop in the car, and see where it takes you. I love to turn onto unmarked lanes and see where they go (although I learned not to do that in a rental car. They frown upon their vehicles bottoming out).

24. I think my sister would probably disagree with me on the whole "loving road trips" thing. We can't seem to catch a break when it's just the two of us! (Although the six room "motel" wasn't so bad at 4:30am after a 24 hour drive, and the nice mechanics in Sweetwater, TX still have a fond place in our hearts. :-)

25. I need to stop now. I really can't be charming and witty much longer as I've been coughing, sneezing, and blowing my nose in between typing this. My snot runneth over. ME SO SEXY!!! Who wouldn't want to get with this?!? (By the way... I'm still available for all of you single men out there! ;-)

More Recipes for the Cooking-Impaired

It’s that time again. The time of the year when potlucks and family dinners abound… The time of year that puts fear into the hearts of the culinarily-challenged… Is your idea of a gourmet meal macaroni and cheese with cut up hotdogs? Mine too! So once again, I have decided to share one or two of my “Recipes for the Cooking-Impaired” to help you through the month ahead.

Black Forest Angel Food Cake

1 Box Angel Food Cake Mix
1 Can Cherry Pie Filling
4 Tbs Cocoa
Top with Cool Whip after cooling

Dump angel food cake mix, cocoa, and cherry pie filling into a mixing bowl.
Mix together for one minute on medium speed.
Pour into non-greased, non-floured angel food cake pan.

Bake at 350 degrees for approximately 40 minutes.


Or, for the Slightly More Courageous…

Holiday Potatoes

8-10 potatoes
1 cup sour cream
1 - 8 oz bar cream cheese
1 tsp onion powder
1 stick butter
½ tsp garlic powder
salt
pepper

Boil and mash 8-10 potatoes.
Add all additional ingredients.
(Salt and pepper to taste.)
Mix well.
Grease deep casserole bowl with butter.

Bake in a 350 degree pre-heated oven for one hour.