An A-Z Guide to Connecting with Birth Families in Foster Care

When I stepped into Foster/Adopt Land back in the fall of 2008 I had no idea that my desire to build my family through foster care would do just that, but not in the way I had imagined.  Seven years after attending that first information meeting, I have built a forever family unlike most.  I have a daughter and two sons, but only one is legally "mine."  I forget which one sometimes.  :-)  I have grandchildren, a son-in-law, a co-parent, and a first mommy friend who shares a deep love for my youngest son.  None of these amazing people are related to me by blood, but all are my family - and each one of them came to me in some shape or form via the foster care system.

When people ask me how I have been able to develop and maintain such good relationships with my children's birth families, I always have to stop and think about what I might be doing that could be different from the "norm."  Here's what I've come up with:

Advocate for parents who are doing well - As foster parents, we've seen time and again how children become "lost" in the system.  The same is true for their families.  The wait between court hearings can take 3-6 months, and when you see parents who are clearly working hard to bring their children home with little to show for it from the system it's so important to become a voice for those parents as well as the child in your care.  Parents need to know that you are on their side.  What better way to demonstrate that than to advocate for them?

Become a role model - It's important to remember that children who come into care are so often victims of a cycle of neglect, poverty, abuse, and dysfunction.  Many birth parents have come from the exact same sets of circumstances that their children find themselves in.  These cycles don't just break themselves.  Parents need role models.  They need a support system.  They need encouragement.  Become that person for them.  Bug's birth mother has told me many times over the past two years that being able to see Bug and I together is showing her how it's supposed to be.  While she still struggles, she's doing better than she ever has before, and she is forever thanking me for showing her how life can be.

Compliment their children - One of the very first things (if not the first thing) that I say when I meet my children's parents is usually something along the lines of "It's so nice to finally meet you.  Your son is a joy!"  That one statement usually goes a long way towards establishing a relationship.  By immediately acknowledging that the child in your care is their son or daughter, you quickly begin to alleviate any fears they might have regarding how you view your relationship to their child.

Declare your intention - Let them know that you are there to partner with them, to support them, to help them...  One of the biggest fears that most parents have is that you want to "steal" their child.  Alleviate that fear early on by letting them know your role as a foster parent is to help their family.

Source

Encourage parents to be involved in medical appointments, their child's education, etc. and to ask questions - Many time parents are unsure of what their role is when it comes to the day to day happenings of their children.  If your child's parent is allowed to attend medical appointments or school conferences, encourage them to participate.  Ask them if they have any questions or concerns.  If your child's parents are actively working their case plan, be proactive and ask the caseworker if they can attend these events if they aren't already doing so.  When parents can participate in these appointments with you, they are learning by example as well as gaining confidence in their own ability to handle these situations in the future.

Focus on the family - Remember that the goal of foster care is to reunite families whenever possible. That can be very difficult to do if you are adoption-motivated.  I learned that the hard way.  Try to enter into each placement with a family focus and make a concerted effort to maintain that.

Give praise when deserved - "I'm proud of you!" "You're doing a great job."  "I can see how hard you're trying."  All parents need to hear those words.  Parents whose children are in foster care tend to hear everything they are doing wrong and all of the areas that need improvement.  Be one of the few people who acknowledges and praises them for what they are doing right.

Help birth parents build their confidence by supporting their efforts - This goes right along with giving praise when it's deserved.  I know one foster mother who regularly visited her child's birth mother in rehab.  If you are parenting the child of a teen parent, attend their graduation.  Find ways to support your child's parents in their efforts.

Include parents in outings or special occasions whenever possible - Always check with your caseworker, but with their permission, find ways to include parents in special occasions.  With Booger Bear, I got permission to invite his dad to join us on Booger's first trip to the zoo.  After that outing went well, we would occasionally meet for dinner or to go swimming.  By the time he started getting longer, unsupervised visits, he came straight to my house to pick up and drop off.  Include birth families in birthday parties or extracurricular activities.  By participating in activities together, your children can see that all of the people who love them are working together.  Children don't feel as pressured to "choose" between parents because they are presenting a unified front.

"Just keep swimming" - When things get crazy (and they will), just borrow a page out of Dory's book and "just keep swimming."  There will be times when you'll think you just can't deal with it anymore.  There will be times when you'll get so frustrated by parents making the same mistakes over and over again that you'll want to wash your hands of the whole mess.  When you feel yourself getting to that point, take a deep breath and "just keep swimming."

Know your limits and stick to them - When it comes to supporting birth families, know what you are and are not willing to accept when it comes to behaviors or situations that might come up.  Boundaries are necessary in most cases, and it's advisable to maintain them.  With Bug's birth family, sobriety is a must for direct contact with him.  You might want to help parents by providing contact information for resources, but feel strongly that you won't make the calls for them.  You might want to provide your cell phone number for calls with your children, but feel you need to have a scheduled time.  Know your limits.

Listen intently and follow their lead - Keep the tone light and friendly unless they want to have a more serious conversation.  Most of my parents have initially been hesitant and uncomfortable around me.  I very quickly try to put them at ease by treating them like long-time friends.  It's difficult to be afraid of or intimidated by someone who will laugh with you about your child's funny moments or talk about your pets.  Pay attention and try to follow their lead when it comes to the more serious conversations that come up.  All of my children's parents have needed something different from me at different times.  Learn to recognize when they need a sympathetic ear, some lighthearted conversation, or just someone to reassure them.

Make special gifts with the children to give to their parents on holidays, birthdays, etc. - My kids' birth parents have all commented on how much they appreciate all of the handmade crafts and gifts that I send them.  You don't have to be artistic or go all Pinterest-y.  Goodness knows I can't even draw a proper stick figure!  It's the thought that you put into it and the acknowledgement that you understand what they are missing that matters most.  The very first picture I ever sent to Bug's birth mom was simply a Crayola crayon tracing of his hands, and then I let my almost 2-year-old go to town "coloring" on the page.  She cried, and told me that she thought that she would never get to have anything like that when she signed the relinquishment papers.  She loves every little thing he draws for her whether she can recognize it or not.

Never go back on your promises - Trust is vital to successful relationships.  In a foster care situation where birth parents often feel like they are fighting a losing battle, trust is especially important to maintaining a good relationship.  Never make a promise that you aren't certain that you'll be able to keep.

Open and honest communication regarding their children - I take tons of pictures that I send to every visit.  I make monthly photo books for my kids' parents that talk about milestones and funny stories.  I pass notes back and forth in the diaper bag.  When I am able to see the parents in person, I answer each and every question they might have as well as offer information about their little ones.  A picture speaks a thousand words, and seeing their child smiling and happy goes a long way towards reassuring their parents that they are safe, loved, and doing well.

Provide resources - So many times parents become overwhelmed with everything being asked of them.  They are often given a list of things they need to complete, but no guidance on how to go about achieving them.  I've always said that foster parents are probably the most resourceful people on the planet.  We can find anyone or anything when we set our minds to it.  Being able to provide contact information to organizations or agencies that can help in the areas that birth families need assistance is one thing that can be easily accomplished.  Whether they choose to use the information or not is up to them, but your willingness to help shows them that they're not alone.

Question parents about their child - So much information can be gained from your child's birth parents when there is open and honest communication.  When children come into our homes, we typically get no information.  Are they allergic to peanuts?  What kind of formula do they use?  Do they have a comfort item?  As you get to know their families, you learn so many things that you would never find out through CPS.  I learned from Bug's family that he has four brothers on his father's side (rather than the two that CPS knew about).  I learned that cancer runs on his mother's side of the family.  I learned from Booger Bear's dad that he is ridiculously allergic to cats, which explained why Booger had a constant running nose the entire time he lived with me (which is also how he got his nickname).  I learned from Monkey's dad that his birth mom's family has a great love of music and all sing, play instruments, etc.  Every time I hear Monkey singing, I smile knowing where he gets that talent.

Recommend changes to visitation schedules as reunification nears - When it became clear that Monkey was going to return to his father's care, I pushed hard for extended and unsupervised visits.  Monkey's caseworker admitted that the thought hadn't even crossed her mind because the one-hour visits at the office were going so smoothly.  Because I made the effort to advocate for Monkey's dad, the two were able to spend more and more time together over the three months leading up to the final court hearing.  Had I not stepped up, Monkey would have been returned without ever having spent a night in his new home.  His dad would have been thrown into being a single father of a 1-year-old with nothing to go on except a one-hour a week visit at a CPS office.  By recommending a visitation schedule that slowly increased the amount of visits leading up to reunification, Monkey's return home was easier on everyone.

Smile - It seems so simple, but a genuine smile can go a long way towards putting people at ease.

Trust your instincts - Not all families will be open to connecting with you.  Not all families will be genuine in their communication with you.  Learn to recognize the "norm" for your children's families and trust your instincts if something doesn't seem right.

Understand that birth parents' anger is often an expression of grief - There are times when your child's parent might lash out at you in anger.  As difficult as that may be, try not to take it personally.  My pastor always says, "Hurt people, hurt people."  Don't allow angry words or actions stop your compassion.  Remember how angry and frustrated that you get with the system, and try to put yourself in the parent's shoes.  They are frustrated by the same lack of communication and time tables and requirements put on them by the system as we are, but they are experiencing all of this while grieving the loss of their children.

Validate parents' concerns and feelings - Birth parents will naturally have fears and huge emotions throughout the time their child is in care.  Fear, anger, frustration, grief...  Take the time to really listen to them as they share those feelings with you.  Acknowledge them.  Validate them.  Parents want to know they're being heard.

Welcome parental input regarding cultural traditions or differences and utilize their skills - I am absolutely willing to learn anything I need to learn when it comes to children of a different race or cultural background, but I'm the first to admit that I don't have a clue what I'm doing half of the time.  One case in point would be the pronunciation of Monkey's last name.  I taught him one way, only to find out two years later that it's pronounced completely differently!  And how did I find out, you might ask.  Well it wasn't because I asked.  Monkey just happened to be telling me everyone's "big" names, and he proceeded to say his name the way I taught him and his father's name the way it's actually pronounced!  I was mortified.  To this day, my kid doesn't know how to pronounce his own name!  Even now I have to remind myself to ask Monkey's father about things that might be cultural so I don't go out of my mind wondering what he's thinking.  Our little ones' parents should be our "go to" people when it comes to cultural and racial differences.

X-tend grace, compassion, and understanding -  I remember early on thinking how argumentative and desperate Monkey's dad was.  He is completely different now.  I tried to put myself in his shoes and realized that if my child were taken away from me, I would be just as desperate.  I know that people make mistakes and poor decisions.  Imagine making a mistake that cost you your child, and treat them the way you would want to be treated.

Yoga, yodeling, yo-yos - Find something that you have in common with your child's parents.  Our worlds are often very, very different, and finding common ground outside of the children that you all love helps narrow the gap between us.  Bug's birth mom and I bonded over our mutual inner geekiness and excitement over creating pretty Excel spreadsheets.  It might sound crazy, but discovering the things that we do have in common despite our very different worlds has helped bring us much closer together.

Zero expectations - Try to enter into these relationships with no expectations.  Often times we go to a first meeting with our children's birth parents and don't even realize that we've already formed assumptions on how that meeting will go.  Some might expect animosity or complete indifference.  Some expect gratitude or an immediate bond because of the children.  Many foster parents form opinions before ever meeting these families based on what little they know about why the child was removed or what a caseworker has mentioned in passing.  Do your best to keep an open mind and to build the relationship based on your interactions with the parents.  Don't be disappointed if a parent is distant or reluctant to open up to you, and don't push your personal expectations or desires onto the family.

Ultimately, remember that all relationships take work.  All relationships have ups and downs.  All relationships have struggles as well as moments of harmony.  Remember that relationships between foster parents and birth parents have added obstacles and many things to overcome.  Sometimes the relationships don't work out, and that's okay.  Sometimes the circumstances of a case simply don't allow for contact or opportunities to connect, and that's okay as well.  What matters most is the love that you all have for your children, and when parents (foster and birth) work together, everyone gains something they never had before - the potential to form their own unique "family."

Things I've Learned Along the Way (Part Two)

When I first started fostering, I naively thought that the initial training I received would prepare me for what I would experience as a foster (and hopeful adoptive) parent.  Oh, how very, very wrong I was!  Over the past five years in Foster/Adopt Land, I have learned many valuable lessons along the way.  Some practical, some silly, and some very tough, emotionally draining ones...  I thought I'd share some of the lessons I've learned with all of you and hope that it helps some of you who are just beginning foster/adopt journeys of your own.  If you missed Part One of "Things I've Learned Along the Way," you can find it here.

Not-for-profits and other assistance - Contrary to public opinion, most foster parents aren't raking in the money.  Those of us who want the best for our children often have to seek assistance in order to help make that happen.  There are so many organizations and churches out there whose sole purpose is to assist foster children, fostering families, and youth aging out of care with scholarships for summer camps, clothing assistance, help during the holidays, providing initial placement necessities, etc.  Ask your caseworker, CASA, or your church if they know of any or search the internet specifically for "organizations supporting foster children in ______ county."  You might be surprised what all you can find!

Organization skills- With the never-ending mountain of paperwork, appointments, logs, and notes that foster parents must keep, it is sooooo important to find an organizational system that works well for you.  Keeping organized is one of the best things a foster parent can do in order to maintain their sanity.  It took a little while, but I finally developed a routine that works great for me (see the link above).  Now when a caseworker calls to ask seemingly random questions like, "How many visits has Bug had with his grandma?" I can quickly look it up and respond.  Don't invite more chaos by becoming overwhelmed by the paperwork.  Routine, routine, routine!  Trust me!  You won't regret it.

Privacy (or lack thereof) - One of the first things you learn about in foster care training is the privacy policy regarding your foster children.  Foster parents are not allowed to share ANYTHING with ANYONE regarding their placements.  Technically, we're not even supposed to identify them as foster children (although, seriously...  You show up to church with three new children one week, and people are gonna figure it out.)  No shared photos...  Not even Christmas cards of your family with children who have been with you for two years!  It's frustrating, but understandable to an extent.  What they don't tell you is that while your foster children have absolute privacy, you will have none.  That fact becomes very apparent during your homestudy when a stranger walks into your home and asks you extremely personal and somewhat embarrassing questions about your life.  As time moves on, you will be required to open your home to caseworkers, therapists, CASA volunteers, attorneys, random licensing workers, etc.  Some will walk in and make themselves at home, searching through your pantry for expired foods, digging through your medicine cabinets, and asking you more personal questions that you'd rather not answer.  And the lack of privacy doesn't stop there!  They'll even go after your friends and family by asking any frequent visitors to complete background checks.  I can see it now, "Hi Mr. Apartment Maintenance Man.  You are in my home more than twice a month, so I'm going to have to ask you to give me your social security number, your driver's license number, and all of your addresses for the past five years."  I have learned to limit background checks only to the people who will be babysitting my kids, and as far as anyone else is concerned, I have no other friends.  :-)

Questions - Don't be afraid to ask questions!  Ask questions before accepting a placement.  Ask questions throughout your children's cases.  Ask questions about birth families.  Ask questions if a situation arises that you are unsure how to handle.  You might not get an answer, but you'll never know unless you ask.

Remember that the goal of foster care is almost always reunification with family first - This is one lesson that many fostering families learn the hard way, even though they know that reunification is the goal.  Adoption-motivated families can have a very difficult time separating their desire to adopt from the ultimate goal of foster care...  To help families heal and reunite.  It can be especially difficult when caseworkers walk in and almost immediately ask if you would be willing to adopt.  I learned the hard way not to set myself up for even more heartbreak by believing that questions and conversations about adoption mean that the case is actually headed that way.  In fact, I have become so reunification-minded and an advocate for bio families who clearly love their children that I still have a hard time believing that I am about to finalize Bug's adoption.

Send important email correspondence to multiple people at once - It never fails.  I can email a caseworker ten times a day for a month, mark it as "Urgent," bribe with chocolate and Diet Coke and not get a single response until I decide to copy multiple people on my messages.  It's amazing how quickly things get accomplished when you've emailed the caseworker and copied their supervisor, your agency, your child's GAL, CASA, etc.

Transportation assistance - As a single, full-time working foster mom I know that I am simply not able to take off work to transport to/from visits.  I tell the placement workers up front that I will need someone else to transport to/from visits.  While different agencies and counties have their own policies regarding foster parents providing transportation, my county has always provided transportation for my little ones' weekly visits because they know before even placing them with me that they will need to do so.  I do try to transport occasionally so I can talk to the birth family and answer any questions they might have, but for the most part, my county has workers who transport and supervise visits for foster parents who need help in that area.

Utilize the knowledge and experience of long-time foster parents - No one...  I do mean no one...  understands the ins and outs of the foster care system like a long-time experienced foster parent.  Search for blogs, search for online support groups, and develop relationships with other foster parents who have been there.  Some of my closest friends are fellow foster moms who I have met online over the past five years.  Don't be afraid to reach out!  We're nice, and we're pretty smart cookies, too!  :-)

Vocalize any major concerns, but learn to let go of the "small stuff" - As foster parents, we have to learn to accept that everyone has different standards when it comes to parenting.  What might be unthinkable to us might be perfectly normal for our children's birth parents.  I would never in a millions years give my 3-month-old Kool-Aid and goldfish, but wouldn't you know, your baby returns from a visit with exactly that in his diaper bag.  Your first instinct might be to immediately tell their caseworker, but you know what?  The caseworker is going to say, "At least they are feeding him!"  Learn to voice major concerns (like when Bug came back from a supervised visit reeking of marijuana which ultimately led to a random drug test and ceased visitation upon the results), but try to look at the big picture when it comes to minor concerns.  No, they might no parent the way we would, but if it's not a behavior that would result in removal from the home in the first place, don't work yourself up over it.  Lead by example when you can, but learn to let go of the "small stuff."

WIC eligibility - I had no idea that my little ones were automatically eligible for WIC until another foster parent asked why I wasn't using it for Booger Bear.  He had already been with me for eight months at that point!  Since then, I've utilized my kiddos' WIC benefits until they turn one year old.  Saving $150 or more a month on formula and baby food is a huge blessing and worth the slight inconvenience of having to go up to the WIC office once every three months.  I haven't ever used it after my little ones have turned one, but I probably would if I had several children who qualified.

And that's just PART of the CLOTHES!

X-treme hoarding of all things "child" - I have learned that something happens to ordinarily reasonable women when they become foster parents.  I prefer to call it "nesting," but some might call it "hoarding."  There's just something about knowing that we could get a call for any age or any gender that sends us into "Always Be Prepared" mode.  Over the years I have made a fervent half-hearted effort to minimize my stockpile of baby gear, clothing, toys, and other infant/toddler supplies, but it seems my "foster mama hoarder" tendencies run too deep.  I have, however, managed to think smart when it comes to my awesome collection.  "Convertible" is the name of the game!  When making purchases for baby gear and other larger items, I have learned to invest the money in items that will grow with the child or that can be easily converted for any age.  I can get a call for a 2-year-old, a newborn, or a 13-year-old and can use the same frame as my cribs convert to toddler beds and then full-size beds.  The same goes for things like bathtubs, highchairs, toys, etc.  Well...  Maybe not for the 13-year-old, but you get the idea.

You will likely never have to use a lot of what they teach in your yearly required training classes - "Water Safety..."  While I suppose technically I do use what is taught in that hour long class on a daily basis, I am fairly certain I could have figured out not to leave my 1-year-old unsupervised by the pool all on my very own.  "Emergency Behavior Intervention..."  I believe I have taken that particular class at least six times now, and I have never had to use a single thing.  I foster infants and toddlers.  Any "therapeutic holding" that I do is of the "rocking to sleep in the rocking chair" persuasion.

Z...  Um, yeah.  I can't think of a "Z" so I'll leave you with another "Y" - You won't always attach to the children who are placed with you...  and THAT'S OKAY!  Don't beat yourself up for not feeling that instant bond with a baby.  Don't let yourself get down because you can't seem to connect with an older child in your care.  What matters is that these children feel loved, safe, secure, wanted, and cherished while they are with you.  Sometimes the bond of love grows softly over time.  Other times, it might never fully develop, and THAT'S OKAY!  It is okay to say "no" to adopting a child with whom you don't have that connection.  By saying "no," you are giving that child an opportunity to find a permanent place with a family who does.  I believe that all long-time foster parents have been in this situation at one time or another, and are often afraid to admit that they don't feel that attachment...  As though something must be wrong with us and if we just try harder, that bond will come...  I have learned over the years that my feelings are absolutely valid and shouldn't be taken lightly or overlooked.  You won't always attach to the children in your care...  and THAT IS OKAY!

And there you have it...  Tammy's words of wisdom (for what they're worth ;-) and what I have learned over the past five years as a foster (soon-to-be adoptive) mom.

Things I've Learned Along the Way (Part One)

When I first started fostering, I naively thought that the initial training I received would prepare me for what I would experience as a foster (and hopeful adoptive) parent.  Oh, how very, very wrong I was!  Over the past five years in Foster/Adopt Land, I have learned many valuable lessons along the way.  Some practical, some silly, and some very tough, emotionally draining ones...  I thought I'd share some of the lessons I've learned with all of you (broken into two separate posts so you don't get too overwhelmed), and hope that it helps some of you who are just beginning foster/adopt journeys of your own.

Attend court hearings if at all possible - One of the most frequently asked questions that I receive from new foster parents is regarding whether or not they should attend court.  My answer is a resounding "YES!"  In my experience, court is the one time and place where everyone involved in your child's case will be together in the same room.  I learn more in one day of court than I will over the course of the next three months simply because I have the opportunity to listen and speak to everyone involved.  It is also a great opportunity to work towards developing your relationship with your child's birth family (if it is safe to do so).

Be aware of how fostering affects everyone in your life - When I decided to become a foster parent, I knew that it would take an emotional toll on me and my immediate family.  I knew that the people who would grow to love my children would also experience the pain that foster care can bring.  However, I never really thought about how my decision to foster would affect my extended family, friends, co-workers, etc.  I have learned over the past five years that the people who truly care about me truly do care about my children as well whether they have the opportunity to develop a personal relationship with my little ones or not.  They become emotionally invested.  They experience my joy, my grief, my excitement, my stress, and every other emotion that being a foster parent brings.  They are invested because they love me and whether or not they ever actually get to meet my children, my decision to foster affects them.

Childcare - I had absolutely no idea that as a single, full-time working foster mom in my county (thank you, Allmypretty, for reminding me to include that!), daycare for my little ones is free!  Not one person at my agency or in CPS had mentioned it!  I had walked into a daycare that was recommended by a friend when I got Booger Bear (fully intending to use my entire monthly stipend and then some to pay for it) and started talking to the director.  She is the one who told me that daycare for foster children is free and was able to point me in the right direction.  If you know that you're going to need daycare for your little ones, tell their caseworker up front to help speed up the process.  Five years later, that same director is still one of my favorite people!  :-)

Don't be afraid to say "no" - As a new foster parent, I was terrified to rock the boat.  I did everything that CPS and my agency asked of me - no questions asked.  It got to the point that my entire life seemed to be controlled by foster care, and I was nearing my breaking point.  That's when a long-time foster mama friend told me, "It's okay to say 'no,' you know."  Really?!?  I can do that?!?  While there are many things that we can't control, we do have a say when it comes to how many of the foster care-related appointments and other random demands requests affect our lives.  I have learned that it's okay to say "No, I will not take off work all day and wait around for you to show up for a home visit only to have you arrive two hours late.  I will be home from 3:00-5:00.  You can come then."  I have learned that it's okay to say "No, I don't think that child would be a good fit for my family."  I have learned that it's okay to say, "Um, no...  I am not going to sign placement papers for the 17-year-old you just brought to my house when I was expecting a 17-month-old."  When it comes to placements, believe me they would much rather you say "no" up front than have the placement disrupted later on.  They won't hold it against you.

Expect the unexpected - I always say that the only thing that is certain about foster care is that nothing is certain.  Every single case is different.  There is absolutely no way to predict what might happen in a case.  Rules and laws are interpreted differently by everyone, and what might mean one thing to one judge means something entirely different to another.  The same goes for agencies, counties, workers, therapists, etc.  I have learned to answer new foster parents' questions with examples of what has happened in some of my cases and immediately follow up with "but there is no way to predict what will happen in your case."  You will save yourself a lot of stress headaches if you learn to accept that anything can happen at any given moment when you're living in Foster/Adopt Land.

FMLA - I had no idea that the placement of a foster child is a qualifying event for FMLA, and I use every bit of it.  I don't do the traditional "maternity leave" though.  I use it intermittently for foster care-related appointments, medical appointments and illnesses for my child, court dates, etc.  As long as you don't go over 90 days in a 12 month period, you're covered.

Give equal consideration to your heart AND your brain when making tough decisions - I can't stress this one enough!  I say that because I have a really hard time with it myself.  Foster parents tend to think solely with our hearts.  We jump in and say "yes" and worry about the consequences later.  Over the years, I have learned that thinking with my heart is wonderful, but I also need to listen to the voice of reason in my head.  It's there for a reason!  It's okay to follow your heart, but take your brain with you!

(and a second "G" because I thought of another one)

Well, SEMI Anonymous...  Lol.

Grief - "[I have learned that] there is a huge difference between sorrow and grief. I don't think I ever realized that until I lost [Booger Bear]. I expected to be sad when my foster children left my home. I expected pain and tears, but nothing could have ever prepared me for the all-consuming heartache and flood of emotions that encompassed me in the days and weeks after I lost [Booger Bear]. I was numb. My heart had a gaping hole that physically ached. My arms were empty where [my little boy] should have been. I did not leave my house or talk to anyone for days. I simply allowed myself to feel every emotion that washed over me; rage at CPS and the way they handled his case, denial that it was happening at all, fear for [Booger] and what might be in his future, and the suffering of a shattered heart."  (Modified excerpt from one of my chapters in Welcome to the Roller Coaster - Coming Soon)

Home visit cleaning - I wrote a post regarding what I have learned when it comes to preparing for home visits earlier this year.  Nearly five years after beginning my foster care journey, I have learned that as long as there are no blatantly obvious health or safety violations, we're good to go!  I usually have a pillow mountain and a ball pit in the middle of my living room floor.  The dishes and laundry are in a constant state of "almost" done as my mom and I tend to tag team the chores.  If a caseworker comes for a visit when Monkey is here, they spend the entire time being entertained by a 2-year-old bilingual attention hog as he pulls out every toy and book in the house to give them a rundown on what's what, usually all the while also fighting off a teething Bug who digs through their purses and chews on their hair.  By the time they leave, they're too flustered to remember that my "unmentionables" are in a pile on the dining room table!

Income taxes - Another question that I often receive from new foster parents is "How does fostering affect our taxes?"  What many caseworkers and agencies don't tell you is that if your foster child has lived with you for more than six months within the calendar year, you can claim your foster child as a dependent.  I would suggest filing early as often times the biological families try to claim the children as dependents as well, which can hold up your tax refund.  Also be aware that your monthly stipend is not taxable income, and is not considered income on your tax return.  That's the short answer.  The long and more technical answer to the tax code can be found here on Foster Ducklings blog.  She is a CPA and a foster parent and has done a good job explaining income taxes and foster care for those of us who don't like legal tax speak.  Lol.

Just because the caseworker asks you if you are adoption motivated, don't assume that means adoption is likely - I learned this lesson the hard way with my first long-term placement.  The caseworker, my agency, even his birth mom talked "adoption."  Sometimes I think they dangle the "adoption" word in front of foster-to-adopt homes just to keep us around.  That practice can be extremely difficult for parents who desperately want to adopt.  In the years since, every single caseworker my children have had has almost immediately asked me if I'd be willing to adopt them.  I have learned never to put any stock in "adoption" talk, and always look at each placement with the goal of reunification.  Period.  It has actually been surprisingly difficult for me to truly accept that Bug is going to be legally mine pretty soon, even though the "official" goal has always been "adoption by non-relative."

Know your limits - When you step into the world of Foster/Adopt Land, one of the very first questions they ask you is "What age, gender, race, behaviors, medical needs, number of children, etc. do you feel you are willing and able to accept?"  I have learned over the years that there is definitely a reason for that.  Foster parents' hearts are often much larger than our brains, and the thought of saying "no" to any child often seems inconceivable.  This is where you have to be honest with yourself and know what you can and can not handle.  Not just you as a parent, but your entire family...  It is much better to set limits when it comes to accepting placements than to get in over your head and potentially have to disrupt the placement later.  You will find that your abilities and family will grow and adjust with time as well, and it is perfectly acceptable to reevaluate as time goes on.

Learn to live in limbo - This is not an easy task for a task-oriented individual who very much likes to be in control.  Believe me.  I know!  Unfortunately, when you make the decision to become a foster parent, your life is no longer your own.  You live in a constant state of "hurry up and wait" with empty promises of "it'll be ready in two more weeks."  "Two weeks" seems to be the standard answer to most questions regarding how long something will take in Caseworker Speak.  Just be prepared to live in a constant state of limbo as you spend 99.9% of your time waiting for something...  waiting for "the call," waiting for answers, waiting for something productive to happen in your children's cases, waiting, waiting, waiting...

Make an effort to get to know your children's birth families and to become a resource for them if it is safe to do so - If you've been a long-time reader of this blog, I'm sure you know just how much this statement means to me.  I have my family solely because I reached out to my foster children's birth parents.  "So many times, we hear the horror stories of how children end up in foster care.  Horrific abuse cases are all over the news, and the general consensus among the public seems to be that children who end up in foster care are "better off" being adopted than returning home to their birthparents.  While that may be true in those drastic cases, what many people don't realize is that roughly 80% of all children in foster care are there due to neglect.  Neglect due to babies being born to teenaged parents who don't know how to properly care for them...  Neglect due to parents with drug or alcohol addictions...  Neglect due to parents with untreated mental illnesses...  Neglect due to financial hardships beyond their parents' immediate control...  Since I began fostering, all of my children have come from one or more of these situations.  Five of my seven were also returned into their birthparent(s)' care (four to their birthfathers) after they successfully completed their service plans." (excerpt from my guest post at Attempting Agape)

Advocate for parents who are doing well, as well as the child - When Monkey was able to return to his father's care, his dad told me, "Thank you for helping me get my son back sooner.  I know it was only possible because of you."  He was referring to my offer to continue to provide child care for Monkey while his dad was at work as he works nights, and finding nighttime care can be difficult.  When parents are doing well, following their service plans, and are really trying to do whatever it takes to bring their children home, I do everything in my power to get them longer or more frequent visits.  I try to encourage good transitions that include overnights in their home.  I try to get extra visits around holidays and birthdays.  What it boils down to is, advocating for my children's parents ultimately makes things easier for my babies as well.  It shows them that you are on their side and want to see them succeed as a family.  I think that knowing you are on their side helps develop a long-lasting relationship.  Parents don't feel that they are fighting another person for their child...  They are turning to you for support.

Stay tuned for Part Two of "Lessons I've Learned Along the Way" in the next couple of days!

Foster Care "Bucket List"

After nearly five years living in Foster/Adopt Land, I've come to the realization that I'm not going to be leaving anytime soon (even though there are some days when all I want to do is run screaming in the opposite direction).  Will I be a foster parent forever?  Probably not.  But foster care is where my heart is, and I know that I will continue to be heavily involved in this world for years to come.

Over the years, I've developed a sort of "bucket list" of things that I would love to do, become involved in, and accomplish when it comes to foster care so I thought I'd share it with all of you in "A-Z Thing" form (just to challenge myself ;-).  Some of these, I've already done, some I continue to do, some I am just beginning, and others I plan to do in the future!


Adopt a caseworker - I think all foster parents can agree that if/when we are lucky enough to find a good caseworker who clearly does their best for our kids, their families, and for us, we want to cut them a little bit of slack.  Caseworkers are overworked, underpaid, and generally unappreciated for the work they do.  I've worked with all kinds over the years, from bitter and angry and clearly hating their jobs to overworked but doing the best they can with limited resources.  When I find a caseworker who clearly wants to do their best for everyone involved, I want to help them out however I can.  I would love to be able to "adopt" a caseworker every year after I'm no longer fostering (that whole "conflict of interest" thing and all).  Find out what they need help with, offer to shop for their kids around birthdays and holidays, show up with office supplies, etc.

Become a CASA volunteer - Only three of my seven kiddos so far have been lucky enough to have a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) appointed to them.  A volunteer whose sole mission is to speak for an abused and neglected child to make sure they don't get lost in the System.  For many children, their CASA volunteer is the one constant during their time in care.  I definitely plan to volunteer in the future!

Clothing/supply swap for foster families - Over the past five years of fostering primarily infants, I have accumulated more baby gear, clothing, and other odds and ends than I know what to do with!  Now that I'm leaning more towards fostering PreK-1st grade next, I need to trade in the baby things for older child supplies and toys.  Wouldn't it be great to have a weekend where foster families could get together in one place and swap clothing, gear, toys, etc?

Donate supplies to foster agencies - Have you ever sat in a training class at your agency and watched a video on VHS released in 1980 three years in a row because your agency couldn't afford to purchase new material?  Have you had to bring your own pens and paper?  Does your agency case manger have to buy her own office supplies?  I love my agency, and love to show up with goodies whenever I have a chance.

Establish a foster/adopt ministry at my church - I know this would be a huge undertaking, but I truly believe that we as a church can do more.  Not everyone is called to foster or adopt, but I do believe that every person has the ability to help a hurting child and the families who have opened their hearts and their homes to the children who need them.  We can do more, and I think it just takes one person to step up and call others to action.

Fundraisers for deserving families - I'm a sucker for a worthy cause, and my heart is all about children.  If there is a way to help a family in need, I'm all for it!  I'd love to help organize fundraisers for families who need specialized vehicles for foster or adopted children with special needs or help families with legal expenses.  $20,000 for one family can seem like an insurmountable expense, but if everyone who cares about that family donated just $5, we can do our part to help a child in need.  And who doesn't like a good bake sale?!?  :-)

Go-to girl for a fostering family - When I get to the point where I need a foster parenting break, I would love to volunteer to be the "Go-to Girl" for another foster family.  I would be the person they could call to make that initial Walmart run for diapers and formula while they're getting the house ready for a new placement.  I could help out with babysitting their other children while they do all of the initial doctor and dental visits.  I could bring meals on stressful days, do their dishes, or just be there to lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on.  Being a foster family is a hard and often very lonely road.  I love that I have several people I can call on when I need the support, and I'd love to be able to be that person for another foster family!

Hospital sit for foster children - My first agency hired people to be part of a rotation of sitters who would go and sit with children in the hospital, talk to the doctors, fill out paperwork, etc.  The children have someone with them 24/7 while they are in the hospital, and it gives the foster parent (if they've already been placed) a little break.  I hate to think that a hurting child is sitting alone in the hospital waiting to be placed with a family or that their foster parent is exhausted and stressed out trying to be at the hospital as well as home with their other children.  If I could be a comforting presence for a child in a strange and scary place, why wouldn't I?

Inspire a family to foster or get involved in some way - Foster care has my heart.  While I have seen it at its worst, I have also seen it at its very best.  I have watched as a 12-month-old, sad, self-soothing little girl transformed into a trusting little girl full of smiles in a matter of weeks.  I have watched a young family grow into something great.  I have co-parented with a single father who just needed someone to help his raise his son.  My foster care journey has changed me in ways I never could have imagined, and I pray that my journey will inspire someone else to get involved.  Become a foster parent, become a CASA volunteer, help a fostering family, donate do a local agency...  It would be something special to know that my journey has inspired someone else to get involved with something that means so much to me.

Join some foster parent organizations - I can't believe I've been a foster parent for nearly five years, and still haven't joined a foster parent association or any other organization geared towards fostering families!  It's a great way to network and meet other families.

Keep an eye out for businesses and organizations offering discounts to fostering families and pass the information on to my foster mama friends.  Every little bit helps, and if you're like me and send your children home with complete wardrobes, toys, books, and supplies, restocking with every child can get expensive.

Lobby for positive changes in the foster care system - I know that foster care can work.  I have seen it first-hand more than once.  But I have also seen it fail miserably.  It is a broken system, and changes are most definitely needed.  If I don't stand up to fight for positive changes, who will?

Mail care packages to foster youth in college or the military - Teens and young adults aging out of care often have no one to look to for guidance or support.  They are sent out into the world with a small stipend and expected to make it on their own.  I'd love to ask the caseworkers who I'm close to if they know of any former foster youth who are trying to make lives for themselves and could use a little support and knowledge that someone out there is pulling for them.

Newsletter or online magazine for foster families - I'd love to put together a monthly newsletter or online magazine for fostering families.  Find authors experienced in handling the issues that are important to us, provide tips, have encouraging stories from foster families, etc.

Organize an annual foster/adopt mom's retreat and conference - This is my biggie, and is something that means a lot to me and a group of my closest foster mama BFFs.  There are retreats for moms.  There are retreats for adoptive moms.  There are retreats for Christian moms.  But we have yet to come across a large conference and retreat that is geared only to mothers who are fostering or who have adopted hurting children from hard places.  We're in the "how are we going to make this work" phase right now, and are tossing around ideas.  Hopefully in the next couple of years we will have our first go at it and grow from there!

Photograph foster children and their foster and/or biological families for their lifebooks - I love photographing every moment of my kiddos' time with me.  I want them to know that they were loved and happy while they were here, and I love capturing those moments on film (well, digital anyway ;-).  I'd love to be able to do that for other foster children and their families as well.  Photograph birthday parties or family outings...  Photograph children with their biological families during visits...  In some cases, these children won't ever have a photo of themselves with their biological families, so if I'd love to be able to give that to them.

Quit my job and foster full-time - Well, that's not going to happen, but a girl can dream!  I've always wanted a house full of kids and a crazy busy life.  Maybe I need to find myself a rich husband so I can be a stay-at-home mom!  :-)

Respite care for fostering families - I tend to do respite care when I'm between placements.  I know it's definitely needed!  For me, it's also a fun way to be involved with some great kids and be a part of foster care without having to deal with all of the stress, appointments, visits, caseworkers, etc.  You just get to be the nice lady with the fun house.  :-)

Send thank you cards and encouraging letters to foster families, caseworkers, volunteers, etc. - One thing that I have tried to do over the years has been to send encouraging letters, cards, emails, etc. to people I have met along the way in Foster/Adopt Land.  A "thank you" or an update to a CASA volunteer or caseworker letting them know they made a difference...  An encouraging word to a fellow foster parent going through a difficult time...  Several months ago, I sent Monkey's CASA an email update letting her know how our lives were going a year after he went home to his dad.  I thanked her for her part in making our unconventional little family a reality, and wanted to let her know that she made a difference.  I was shocked to find out from a friend going through training to become a CASA volunteer that Monkey's CASA read my letter during a training class!  I was so happy that I had taken the time to send it, and that it had meant so much to her.  A simple "thank you" or "you make a difference" goes such a long way when we need encouragement, and it only takes a few minutes to type an email or address an envelope.

Teach training classes - My agency is always asking me to teach a training class on documentation and organization telling me that they never worry about anything that I send them because they know it's right.  Flattery works, and I am awaiting further instructions on when I need to teach my class.  :-)  I've also offered to speak during PRIDE training for new foster parents.  I think one thing that was sorely missing from my initial training was practical advice from long-time foster parents, and I'd love to be able to provide that advice and support to new families now.

Unconventional family - It wasn't something I had planned, but the family that I have gained through foster care (though unconventional), is one that I wouldn't trade for anything.  If I had been able to adopt Booger Bear, I wouldn't have Heaven, Kelly, Kama, Banana, Monkey, or Bug!  And while I'm not a "legal" forever mom to any of my kids, I am a "forever" Mom, Mom-in-Law, Mimi, Mommy, Mama to all of them!  I can't imagine my life without my family, and I can't wait to see who we add to it over the years.  :-)

Volunteer at my agency - I love my agency, and as a fairly new agency, they are definitely in the "please help" stage.  I love to be able to help in any way I can, whether it's offering to file, helping Nice Lady with paperwork, offering to put together training materials, sharing information on area conferences or discounts, etc.

Write a book (or two...  or ten) - Book #1 is actually in the works as I type!  It's a (not-so) secret collaborative book written by myself and several other (somewhat) anonymous foster mama friends.  We are sooooo excited!  We are in the editing phase, and are hopeful to go to print (and Kindle) in the next month or two.

X-pand I Must Be Trippin's' content (yes, I cheated a bit on this letter) - I suppose before I add to the blog's content, I should make the time to sit down and write regularly again, huh?  Lol.  I post on the FB page at least once or twice a day, but sitting down and writing has been tough lately (especially while I'm working on the (not-so) secret book.  I'm trying to get better!

Yearly get-together with my favorite online foster mama friends - I think this should be on top of our annual foster mom retreat and conference.  I've been "friends" with some amazing women for the past five years, and meeting some of them in person this year was the best!  I want to start planning a yearly get-together with my foster mama BFFs so we can just sit and relax and laugh and cry and pray and act silly together before heading back to our crazy busy lives.

Zoo, picnic, or waterpark event for foster families during National Foster Care Month (May) - I know there are agencies and organizations out there that put together events during National Foster Care Month.  I just haven't really searched them out until now.  Next May, I'll be looking around and taking my kiddos out to enjoy some of them!  Maybe I'll be able to meet more amazing families in the process.  :-)


So that's it!  My Foster Care "Bucket List..."  I'm sure glad I've got some good years left in me because it looks like I'm going to be one busy woman!  Lol.  :-)  What about you?  What foster care-related things would you like to do?

When He's LEGALLY Mine Forever...

With a TPR trial date set for mid-September, and CPS firmly on the side of adoption by me, I'm finding myself daydreaming more and more about what it will be like if/when Bug is legally mine forever!  I have a whole tribe of "forever" kids with Monkey, Heaven, Kelly, Kama, Booger Bear, and Banana, but I'm not legally responsible for any of them, so this will be a totally new experience for me.  Lol.  :-)  I recently posted a question on my FB page asking readers who have (or will be) adopting from foster care what they were/are most excited about, and got some fantastic answers.  I decided to take some of them (along with my own) and write an A-Z Thing post listing all of the things that I am most looking forward to when Bug is legally all mine.  :-)

Accessible medications and cleaning supplies - I don't mean leaving the aspirin sitting on the couch or the bleach in the middle of the kitchen floor.  I'm totally pro-safety when it comes to things like that, but being able to get to my bottle of Tums in the middle of a dark night without having to unlock multiple locks will be heavenly!

Babysitters of my choosing - I have a couple of 17-year-olds in mind who would be excellent sitters, but my agency requires that all babysitters be over the age of 18 and background checked.  It will be so nice to be able to leave my child with anyone I deem fit without having to ask for their personal identifying information to run a criminal history check.  Background checks are great and all for scoping out potential husbands, but there's no way I would leave my child with someone I didn't know well enough to know whether or not they'd done jail time.

Calendar-free - I have already decided that I will be tossing the dayplanner and wall calendar in favor of an occasional sticky note on my fridge reminding me of an upcoming dentist appointment.  No more color-coded appointment books with notes about bio family visits.  No more having to coordinate schedules with caseworkers, attorneys, birth families, case aides, case managers, work, etc.  If Bug has a checkup, I'll just tell my mom and she can remind me.  I will officially be banning calendars from my home after those adoption papers are signed.

Days off work that don't involve CPS - I inevitably end up taking at least one day every other week off work for something CPS-related.  I honestly don't remember the last time I was able to take a day off of work that didn't involve at least one CPS-related appointment or task.  I can not wait for the day when I open my pay stub to see that I have actually accrued Paid Time Off to be able to do something wild and crazy like...  Oh, I don't know...  Go on a vacation!?!

Education how I see fit - Foster parents have no say in their children's education.  In my state, children over the age of three are required to attend public schools.  I've always dreamed of homeschooling.  While that option won't be easy for a single working mom, I want to at least have the choice.  Public school, private school, homeschool, performing arts school, underwater basket weaving university...  I don't really know!  But you'd better believe I will carefully be weighing all of my options because as a legal, forever mom...  I will have options!!!

Fearlessness - No more fear that Bug will be returned to an unsafe situation...  No more fear related to every tiny bump, bruise, and scratch...  No more fear of Monkey using Bug's new name in front of the "wrong" people...  No more fear that CPS will change their minds and try harder to place Bug with family...  No more fear...

Getting to become involved in foster care in other ways - I need a break from fostering, but I don't want a break from foster care.  Foster care means way too much to me to step away entirely.  Adopting Bug will give me the opportunity to volunteer at my agency.  I will have time to teach some of the training classes that they have been begging me to lead.  I could start a foster care/adoption ministry at my church.  I can write a book (or two or ten).  The possibilities are endless!  Foster care is most definitely where my heart is, and I plan on staying.

Haircuts when he needs them - Monkey's hair has been the bane of my existence for the past two years.  Early on, it was the "troll doll days," where he had this fuzzy mop that stood straight up on top and began to grow long over his ears.  I asked multiple times if I could just get it trimmed around his ears to no avail.  His dad teared up any time we mentioned cutting it, so I gave up and prayed that he would have it done after he went home just after his 1st birthday.  My son now sports quite an impressive mullet on occasion.  At this point, I can no longer imagine him with short hair.  But I must admit, there have been times when I've been highly tempted to let him loose with a pair of hair scissors and see what he comes up with on his own.  At 9-months-old, Bug is already beginning to develop quite a cowlick and hairy-looking ears of his own.  I am praying that we can get his adoption finalized before that first haircut is truly necessary.

Insurance - Like real, honest to goodness insurance that I have to pay for myself!  I am so over Medicaid and having to take my kiddos to doctors a half an hour away who barely look at them after waiting in the office with fifty snot-nosed kids for four hours before filling out paperwork and sending us out the door.  I can not wait for the day when Bug will get an actual age-appropriate checkup from a real pediatrician only a block away from our house!

Joining all of the "Mom" groups and signing up for "Mommy and Me" classes - Sign me up for the PTA!  Find a playgroup!  I'll even volunteer to bring the snacks three months from now...  because Bug's not going anywhere!  :-)

Keepsakes - Give me a refrigerator covered with paintings and stick figure drawings.  Give me handprint stepping stones and colorfully-painted pet rocks.  I want a ceramic coffee mug that looks like a three-legged moose and a necklace made out of macaroni.  Forget the Christmas tree that looks like it came from a department store!  Give me popcorn and cranberry garland, paper angels, and reindeer made out of clothespins.  It doesn't get any better than that!

Legally changing Bug's name - I've had a pretty good idea that Bug was going to be here to stay from very early in his case.  I also knew that I would definitely be changing his name upon adoption.  Because he was so young, and because we have so many 2-year-olds in the family who see him on a very regular basis, I decided to have my family call him by his new name so it wouldn't confuse the little ones by changing it a year later.  Bug's new name will be a combination of his current legal name and one that I chose, and I can't wait to be able to use it everywhere!

Mama, Mommy, Mom - Being Mama, Mommy, and Mom to a child who I never have to worry about being taken away and given to someone else.  My biggest fear with Monkey is that there is always the unknown of what will happen in the future.  I've been his Mama since he was two months old.  I'm his Mommy today at 2-years-old.  But what about when he's 16?  Will I get to be his Mom?  What if his dad moves away?  What if he remarries?  Monkey is as much my son in my heart as anyone could ever be, but there is always that fear that he will be taken away.  When Bug is legally mine forever, I will be finally be able to be Mama, Mommy, and Mom without that fear.

NO MORE PAPERWORK!!! - I am fairly certain this one is self explanatory to anyone who has ever fostered in my state or read my blog for any length of time.  Though to be honest, at this point I'm a little uncertain as to how to give medication without immediately writing it down.  I'm sure I'll learn.  I have faith that I am smart enough to figure it out.

Ordinary childhood for my boy - Sleepovers with friends, climbing trees, sports, sleep away camps, pool parties, bumps and bruises, family vacations, Saturday morning cuddles in Mommy's big bed while watching cartoons...  All of the things that children should be able to experience, but can't without an act of Congress if they are a foster child.

Pictures - Pictures everywhere!  Bug is stinkin' cute, and I think the entire world should be able to bask in his adorableness on a daily basis.  Believe me, you will all have more than enough of your fill of the preciousness that is my Bug the second those papers are signed!  I'm fairly certain the few people who have access to his pics right now are beginning to run out of ways to say, "He's just perfect in every way" every time they see a new photo.  :-)

Questions that don't involve me asking things like, "Did Bug smell like pot when he got back from his supervised visit with Grandma today?"  F'real.  I've asked that question more than once.  Then there's "Just how long will bio parents be incarcerated?" and "You don't expect me to take my 9-month-old through the metal detectors at the Federal Penitentiary for a visit, do you?"  I will be ever-so-happy when the most pressing question I have to ask each day is, "Did my kid poop?"

Redecorating Bug's bedroom - I'm not really sure why I've been so hesitant to change the decor in Bug's room.  Probably because the last time I decorated specifically for a child was right before Booger Bear was returned home with no warning.  I suppose there's a part of me that's hesitant to make such a major change until I know that I won't have to walk into an empty room that was decorated specifically for my little guy.  But OMG, am I dying to get in there and do up his nursery in the best "bug" themed decor that I can find!  I'm fairly certain I'll be pulling from this "Cute as a Bug" line because you know...  "Bug."  :-)

Starting an annual foster/adopt retreat with some of my foster mama BFFs - When Cherub Mamma, MamaP, and several other foster moms and I went to a mom's retreat earlier this year, it was very clear to us that we were out of place.  Our parenting experiences, our children, our struggles, and our triumphs are rarely "typical."  Over the past few months, we've been praying and brainstorming, and I can't wait until we are all in a place to be able to make our dream of a retreat for foster/adoptive moms a reality.

Telling Ka-Diva and Buddy that "Yes. Bug is ours forever!" - My 8-year-old niece and nephew have been amazing over the past 4 1/2 years that I have fostered.  They have loved every single one of my kids, and they hurt when they leave.  They are constantly asking, "Do you get to adopt him?!?"  I can not wait for the day when I can finally tell them with 100% certainty that "Yes. Bug is ours forever!"

Using my minivan for its intended carpooling purpose - Lugging Bug and his friends to football practice, loading up the back with camping gear and joining the family for a long weekend at the lake, taking a group of kids to church camp, or weekend roadtrips.  The minivan has been purchased, and it's ready and waiting for years of adventures!

Vacations without permission - Yep.  I fully intend to take Bug out of the state...  Heck!  Out of the COUNTRY even...  and not ask a single person if it's okay.  No judge's signature.  No begging his birth parents for permission.  No providing a complete itinerary to my agency, his CPS caseworker, his attorney, his birth parents' attorneys, etc.  I'm just gonna book the tickets and take him!  That's right!  I'm a rebel that way.

Watching Bug grow up - When you only foster infants and toddlers, it often seems that your children never age.  I have spent the past 4 1/2 years swimming in a constant stream of diapers, bottles, and yogurt melts.  Being able to watch Booger Bear and Monkey grow up has been such an amazing gift, and I can't wait to experience that with my baby Bug.  I'm looking forward to potty training, preschool, school plays, field trips, band, football games, graduation, college, his wedding, and grandbabies, and I pray that Monkey and Booger Bear are here every step of the way.  I am one proud Mama, Mommy, Mimi, and I love those three boys something fierce!  I can only pray that they will be able to grow up loving each other just as much as I love them.

Hopefully I'll be able to remove the star on Bug's face soon.  :-)

X-tremely large bonfire of CPS-related paperwork, binders, manuals, emergency escape floorplans, training certificates, old medication logs, recreation logs, clothing inventories, calendars, etc.  I might just toss my license in there for good measure (but probably not...  We foster parents are all big talkers when it comes to saying "we're D.O.N.E," but one middle of the night phonecall later, and we go from a family of three to a family of six by morning.)

Yearly traditions - When you foster, you live day to day.  Rarely do you have the same child(ren) with you for more than one Christmas, birthday, 4th of July...  I want to know that Bug will be here for every holiday and major event for years to come.  I want to start our own family traditions.  I want Bug to know that every Christmas Eve, we'll spend the night at Nana and Papa's house in our brand new Christmas pajamas.  I want family picnics and Sunday dinners.  I want a lifetime of memories.

Zzzzzz!!! - Sleep!  Sweet sleep!!!  I'm not sure foster parents ever really get a decent night's sleep.  We worry.  We take on our children's struggles.  We lay in bed, tossing and turning, and trying to find ways to keep our children safe.  Actually, the more that I think about it, I'm not so sure the sleep thing will ever change.  I think parents in general must lie awake at night worrying about their kids.  Goodness knows, I spend just as much time thinking about Monkey and Heaven and the kids as I do thinking about Bug.  Guess that's called being a mom...  :-)


There's so much to look forward to when Bug is legally forever mine.  I'm almost afraid to dream too big, but things are looking promising.  Maybe...  Just maybe...  I'll get my honest to goodness, no matter what, "forever" after all.