An A-Z Guide to Connecting with Birth Families in Foster Care

When I stepped into Foster/Adopt Land back in the fall of 2008 I had no idea that my desire to build my family through foster care would do just that, but not in the way I had imagined.  Seven years after attending that first information meeting, I have built a forever family unlike most.  I have a daughter and two sons, but only one is legally "mine."  I forget which one sometimes.  :-)  I have grandchildren, a son-in-law, a co-parent, and a first mommy friend who shares a deep love for my youngest son.  None of these amazing people are related to me by blood, but all are my family - and each one of them came to me in some shape or form via the foster care system.

When people ask me how I have been able to develop and maintain such good relationships with my children's birth families, I always have to stop and think about what I might be doing that could be different from the "norm."  Here's what I've come up with:

Advocate for parents who are doing well - As foster parents, we've seen time and again how children become "lost" in the system.  The same is true for their families.  The wait between court hearings can take 3-6 months, and when you see parents who are clearly working hard to bring their children home with little to show for it from the system it's so important to become a voice for those parents as well as the child in your care.  Parents need to know that you are on their side.  What better way to demonstrate that than to advocate for them?

Become a role model - It's important to remember that children who come into care are so often victims of a cycle of neglect, poverty, abuse, and dysfunction.  Many birth parents have come from the exact same sets of circumstances that their children find themselves in.  These cycles don't just break themselves.  Parents need role models.  They need a support system.  They need encouragement.  Become that person for them.  Bug's birth mother has told me many times over the past two years that being able to see Bug and I together is showing her how it's supposed to be.  While she still struggles, she's doing better than she ever has before, and she is forever thanking me for showing her how life can be.

Compliment their children - One of the very first things (if not the first thing) that I say when I meet my children's parents is usually something along the lines of "It's so nice to finally meet you.  Your son is a joy!"  That one statement usually goes a long way towards establishing a relationship.  By immediately acknowledging that the child in your care is their son or daughter, you quickly begin to alleviate any fears they might have regarding how you view your relationship to their child.

Declare your intention - Let them know that you are there to partner with them, to support them, to help them...  One of the biggest fears that most parents have is that you want to "steal" their child.  Alleviate that fear early on by letting them know your role as a foster parent is to help their family.

Source

Encourage parents to be involved in medical appointments, their child's education, etc. and to ask questions - Many time parents are unsure of what their role is when it comes to the day to day happenings of their children.  If your child's parent is allowed to attend medical appointments or school conferences, encourage them to participate.  Ask them if they have any questions or concerns.  If your child's parents are actively working their case plan, be proactive and ask the caseworker if they can attend these events if they aren't already doing so.  When parents can participate in these appointments with you, they are learning by example as well as gaining confidence in their own ability to handle these situations in the future.

Focus on the family - Remember that the goal of foster care is to reunite families whenever possible. That can be very difficult to do if you are adoption-motivated.  I learned that the hard way.  Try to enter into each placement with a family focus and make a concerted effort to maintain that.

Give praise when deserved - "I'm proud of you!" "You're doing a great job."  "I can see how hard you're trying."  All parents need to hear those words.  Parents whose children are in foster care tend to hear everything they are doing wrong and all of the areas that need improvement.  Be one of the few people who acknowledges and praises them for what they are doing right.

Help birth parents build their confidence by supporting their efforts - This goes right along with giving praise when it's deserved.  I know one foster mother who regularly visited her child's birth mother in rehab.  If you are parenting the child of a teen parent, attend their graduation.  Find ways to support your child's parents in their efforts.

Include parents in outings or special occasions whenever possible - Always check with your caseworker, but with their permission, find ways to include parents in special occasions.  With Booger Bear, I got permission to invite his dad to join us on Booger's first trip to the zoo.  After that outing went well, we would occasionally meet for dinner or to go swimming.  By the time he started getting longer, unsupervised visits, he came straight to my house to pick up and drop off.  Include birth families in birthday parties or extracurricular activities.  By participating in activities together, your children can see that all of the people who love them are working together.  Children don't feel as pressured to "choose" between parents because they are presenting a unified front.

"Just keep swimming" - When things get crazy (and they will), just borrow a page out of Dory's book and "just keep swimming."  There will be times when you'll think you just can't deal with it anymore.  There will be times when you'll get so frustrated by parents making the same mistakes over and over again that you'll want to wash your hands of the whole mess.  When you feel yourself getting to that point, take a deep breath and "just keep swimming."

Know your limits and stick to them - When it comes to supporting birth families, know what you are and are not willing to accept when it comes to behaviors or situations that might come up.  Boundaries are necessary in most cases, and it's advisable to maintain them.  With Bug's birth family, sobriety is a must for direct contact with him.  You might want to help parents by providing contact information for resources, but feel strongly that you won't make the calls for them.  You might want to provide your cell phone number for calls with your children, but feel you need to have a scheduled time.  Know your limits.

Listen intently and follow their lead - Keep the tone light and friendly unless they want to have a more serious conversation.  Most of my parents have initially been hesitant and uncomfortable around me.  I very quickly try to put them at ease by treating them like long-time friends.  It's difficult to be afraid of or intimidated by someone who will laugh with you about your child's funny moments or talk about your pets.  Pay attention and try to follow their lead when it comes to the more serious conversations that come up.  All of my children's parents have needed something different from me at different times.  Learn to recognize when they need a sympathetic ear, some lighthearted conversation, or just someone to reassure them.

Make special gifts with the children to give to their parents on holidays, birthdays, etc. - My kids' birth parents have all commented on how much they appreciate all of the handmade crafts and gifts that I send them.  You don't have to be artistic or go all Pinterest-y.  Goodness knows I can't even draw a proper stick figure!  It's the thought that you put into it and the acknowledgement that you understand what they are missing that matters most.  The very first picture I ever sent to Bug's birth mom was simply a Crayola crayon tracing of his hands, and then I let my almost 2-year-old go to town "coloring" on the page.  She cried, and told me that she thought that she would never get to have anything like that when she signed the relinquishment papers.  She loves every little thing he draws for her whether she can recognize it or not.

Never go back on your promises - Trust is vital to successful relationships.  In a foster care situation where birth parents often feel like they are fighting a losing battle, trust is especially important to maintaining a good relationship.  Never make a promise that you aren't certain that you'll be able to keep.

Open and honest communication regarding their children - I take tons of pictures that I send to every visit.  I make monthly photo books for my kids' parents that talk about milestones and funny stories.  I pass notes back and forth in the diaper bag.  When I am able to see the parents in person, I answer each and every question they might have as well as offer information about their little ones.  A picture speaks a thousand words, and seeing their child smiling and happy goes a long way towards reassuring their parents that they are safe, loved, and doing well.

Provide resources - So many times parents become overwhelmed with everything being asked of them.  They are often given a list of things they need to complete, but no guidance on how to go about achieving them.  I've always said that foster parents are probably the most resourceful people on the planet.  We can find anyone or anything when we set our minds to it.  Being able to provide contact information to organizations or agencies that can help in the areas that birth families need assistance is one thing that can be easily accomplished.  Whether they choose to use the information or not is up to them, but your willingness to help shows them that they're not alone.

Question parents about their child - So much information can be gained from your child's birth parents when there is open and honest communication.  When children come into our homes, we typically get no information.  Are they allergic to peanuts?  What kind of formula do they use?  Do they have a comfort item?  As you get to know their families, you learn so many things that you would never find out through CPS.  I learned from Bug's family that he has four brothers on his father's side (rather than the two that CPS knew about).  I learned that cancer runs on his mother's side of the family.  I learned from Booger Bear's dad that he is ridiculously allergic to cats, which explained why Booger had a constant running nose the entire time he lived with me (which is also how he got his nickname).  I learned from Monkey's dad that his birth mom's family has a great love of music and all sing, play instruments, etc.  Every time I hear Monkey singing, I smile knowing where he gets that talent.

Recommend changes to visitation schedules as reunification nears - When it became clear that Monkey was going to return to his father's care, I pushed hard for extended and unsupervised visits.  Monkey's caseworker admitted that the thought hadn't even crossed her mind because the one-hour visits at the office were going so smoothly.  Because I made the effort to advocate for Monkey's dad, the two were able to spend more and more time together over the three months leading up to the final court hearing.  Had I not stepped up, Monkey would have been returned without ever having spent a night in his new home.  His dad would have been thrown into being a single father of a 1-year-old with nothing to go on except a one-hour a week visit at a CPS office.  By recommending a visitation schedule that slowly increased the amount of visits leading up to reunification, Monkey's return home was easier on everyone.

Smile - It seems so simple, but a genuine smile can go a long way towards putting people at ease.

Trust your instincts - Not all families will be open to connecting with you.  Not all families will be genuine in their communication with you.  Learn to recognize the "norm" for your children's families and trust your instincts if something doesn't seem right.

Understand that birth parents' anger is often an expression of grief - There are times when your child's parent might lash out at you in anger.  As difficult as that may be, try not to take it personally.  My pastor always says, "Hurt people, hurt people."  Don't allow angry words or actions stop your compassion.  Remember how angry and frustrated that you get with the system, and try to put yourself in the parent's shoes.  They are frustrated by the same lack of communication and time tables and requirements put on them by the system as we are, but they are experiencing all of this while grieving the loss of their children.

Validate parents' concerns and feelings - Birth parents will naturally have fears and huge emotions throughout the time their child is in care.  Fear, anger, frustration, grief...  Take the time to really listen to them as they share those feelings with you.  Acknowledge them.  Validate them.  Parents want to know they're being heard.

Welcome parental input regarding cultural traditions or differences and utilize their skills - I am absolutely willing to learn anything I need to learn when it comes to children of a different race or cultural background, but I'm the first to admit that I don't have a clue what I'm doing half of the time.  One case in point would be the pronunciation of Monkey's last name.  I taught him one way, only to find out two years later that it's pronounced completely differently!  And how did I find out, you might ask.  Well it wasn't because I asked.  Monkey just happened to be telling me everyone's "big" names, and he proceeded to say his name the way I taught him and his father's name the way it's actually pronounced!  I was mortified.  To this day, my kid doesn't know how to pronounce his own name!  Even now I have to remind myself to ask Monkey's father about things that might be cultural so I don't go out of my mind wondering what he's thinking.  Our little ones' parents should be our "go to" people when it comes to cultural and racial differences.

X-tend grace, compassion, and understanding -  I remember early on thinking how argumentative and desperate Monkey's dad was.  He is completely different now.  I tried to put myself in his shoes and realized that if my child were taken away from me, I would be just as desperate.  I know that people make mistakes and poor decisions.  Imagine making a mistake that cost you your child, and treat them the way you would want to be treated.

Yoga, yodeling, yo-yos - Find something that you have in common with your child's parents.  Our worlds are often very, very different, and finding common ground outside of the children that you all love helps narrow the gap between us.  Bug's birth mom and I bonded over our mutual inner geekiness and excitement over creating pretty Excel spreadsheets.  It might sound crazy, but discovering the things that we do have in common despite our very different worlds has helped bring us much closer together.

Zero expectations - Try to enter into these relationships with no expectations.  Often times we go to a first meeting with our children's birth parents and don't even realize that we've already formed assumptions on how that meeting will go.  Some might expect animosity or complete indifference.  Some expect gratitude or an immediate bond because of the children.  Many foster parents form opinions before ever meeting these families based on what little they know about why the child was removed or what a caseworker has mentioned in passing.  Do your best to keep an open mind and to build the relationship based on your interactions with the parents.  Don't be disappointed if a parent is distant or reluctant to open up to you, and don't push your personal expectations or desires onto the family.

Ultimately, remember that all relationships take work.  All relationships have ups and downs.  All relationships have struggles as well as moments of harmony.  Remember that relationships between foster parents and birth parents have added obstacles and many things to overcome.  Sometimes the relationships don't work out, and that's okay.  Sometimes the circumstances of a case simply don't allow for contact or opportunities to connect, and that's okay as well.  What matters most is the love that you all have for your children, and when parents (foster and birth) work together, everyone gains something they never had before - the potential to form their own unique "family."

Today

This post was beautifully written by a fellow foster mom - a woman I have never met.  She's a friend of a friend, but a sister nonetheless.  She gets it.


Written by:  Alaina Beth Young Haerbig

"To the person who doesn't understand the significance of today:

You're a lot like me. I mean, it's just a Thursday, right? Except it's not. It's an anniversary.
Six months ago, my world changed completely when the phone rang, then a little one arrived, cute as the dickens. I understood my work was cut out for me when I said, "Come here, cutie, and let me change your diaper," and he replied casually, "Get out my face, MoFo!" as he walked away.  It is a wonderful anniversary of that day- a reminder of how far we've come when he says, "Momma, wanna see? Wookit dat biiig poopie I did inna potty for you!" Yes, I will gladly accept that anniversary present, little one. You have gotten so much more than your mouth under control in these six months. It may be a normal Thursday, but we will celebrate this day of little victories together.

But not all that this day marks is worthy of celebration. Today, a pastor and his wife will kiss their little one just once more, and do their best to smile and wave as a social worker takes her from the only home she has ever known, to be reunified with a near stranger who loves her but is ill equipped to parent.  They will pack a brand new box of Dora band aids- her favorite- because they know that she will literally chew the skin from her fingers in an attempt to control the terror she experiences at the hand of her older brother. (You know, the one who watches her when a John is visiting.) They have pictures. I've seen them- Blood in rivulets running down the little palm to her wrist. Because she is scared, and her one momma won't protect her, and the other momma now can't.

This date will be an anniversary for the rest of their lives, the pastor's and his wife's. They will never forget, and they will never be able to tell this precious one whom they love that they didn't want to let her go. They understand that she will think they abandoned her, and this normal Thursday will forever bear that extra sting for them. And no one will bring them a meal, or a sympathy card. "You knew this was what would happen," they will say, "I told you not to get attached."

But that's nothing compared to what this day is for another mom.

Today is one year since her son's murder. Returned to his first family, he was dead three days later, tortured for those three days at the hands of the woman who birthed him. His foster mom planned and paid for his funeral and the stone to bear witness to his short life, and still had to fight to get his surviving twin back into her care.  I can't understand how she functions, and no one is bringing her a casserole because today will be hard.

It's not a normal Thursday.

Another friend finally gets to post a picture of her son, because after years of fostering him, today he will be adopted and hers forever. She will celebrate today because HE became a part of WE. And she will mourn today because she understands that HE lost part of tHEy- the family to whom he was born and should have never had to leave. She will feel torn for rejoicing because she understands the magnitude of his missing history, and she will celebrate this Thursday with a schizophrenic split between joy and grief for this precious boy she now claims forever. She might get a card, but she didn't get a baby shower. And when he acts out because of his early trauma, even her family will say, "you asked for this. Why are you complaining?"

I'm not making this up. This is today, January 28. These are people in my sorority, an unlikely fellowship forged with rabid republicans and doting democrats, straights and gays, Christians and atheists. These are people I might never even have liked in my previously normal world...

Yet they are the ones with whom I will celebrate my poopie present. They are the ones with whom I will cry over a child I have never met as she goes (away from) home. They are those with whom I will grieve for a boy who will never be a man, and the ones with whom I will rejoice over an orphan who became a son.

Today is not a normal Thursday.

They understand.

And I hope, if you read this, that maybe you do, too.

If you know a foster family- take them a casserole, or share this with them so they know that today is no longer a normal Thursday for you, either.

It's an anniversary."

Is It Enough?

I know it's been forever since I've written an actual blog post, but I started writing this on FB and it ended up being so long that I decided to post it here...  (If you haven't followed the blog on FB, you've missed a lot the past year or two.  You'll definitely want to go catch up!)

I get so frustrated with Bug's birthmother and so many of the self-destructive choices that she continues to make.  So many times I wonder if anything I say or do makes any real difference at all.  So many times I wonder if I'm living up to what God asks of me when it comes to my relationship with her.  Just when I think that there's nothing I can do or say to help her, the thought flashes through my mind that this time so many of the poor choices she's been making are for what she truly believes are the right reasons.  She is trying so hard in ways she never has before.  She is succeeding in ways she never has before, but she is still struggling so much.  Rather than taking things one day at a time, she takes things one minute at a time and stumbles through them making one self-destructive choice after another.

But then I see the small changes...  I see her carrying a mom's devotional Bible that I got her for her birthday only one month ago, but it's pages are already worn and it's filled with papers and notes and bookmarks.  I see her struggling to fight her addiction and to stay clean for this new baby.  And while she doesn't always succeed, she has been able to regroup and start clean again.  I remind myself of what I know about her pregnancy with Bug, and I have to recognize and acknowledge how hard she is trying and how far she's come.  She is comfortable enough to reach out to me when she's struggling, and while I might think I'm stumbling through advice or words of encouragement, she writes and thanks me for "being the extension of what I've only recently discovered is God's love for me..."  Those words give me comfort in knowing that Jesus is clearly taking the wheel when I don't know what I'm doing.

I don't know what I'm doing.  I don't know what's going to happen.  I've given up having "a plan" months ago because I know that MY plan and HIS plan usually don't match up.

So if you've read this far, and you have it in your heart to pray, please pray for Bug's "S," for Baby Boy on the way, and for me over the coming months.  Please pray that we can all accept God's plan for us and work together to make the best of whatever it may be.  Please pray that I will have the ability to do whatever He asks of me and am able to do it in a way that doesn't confuse or hurt Bug.  Pray that Bug's "S" continues to see His love for her - even through the hard times, because there are definitely more hard times on the way.  Please pray that we come out on the other side of this stronger and with even more faith.

I've always said that foster care (and now adoption through foster care) is the hardest thing I've ever done.  But even through the difficult times, I still maintain that it is the best, most rewarding, most life-changing thing I have ever done...  And I wouldn't change a thing.

On This Orphan Sunday...

On this Orphan Sunday, I thought I would share with you something that I shared with my church family earlier this year.  We have a series of stories written by members of our church describing how the Lord has worked to change our lives for the better.  Mine just happened to be about finding my purpose...  My faith...  My life...  My son...

Numb. Devastated. Lost.  For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mom.  It turned out God had a different plan for me when I had a hysterectomy at the age of thirty due to complications with severe endometriosis.  Still single, with no biological children, I spent the next few years praying and trying to figure out God’s plan for me.  I knew I was meant to be a mother.  I just had no idea how it was going to happen.

In the fall of 2008, I decided to take a leap of faith and become a foster parent.  I had always shied away from fostering because of the usual fears related to having to say goodbye to children that I loved, but as time went on I finally began to trust that God wouldn’t have planted this seed in my heart only to leave me hurting and devastated.  So I dove headfirst into the unpredictable world of foster care, and allowed myself to love my kids with my whole heart despite the inevitable hurt.

While I had always been a believer, that faith was shattered one March afternoon as I stood in a courtroom and learned that the little boy who I had loved as my own for the past year was never coming home.  I had expected pain and tears when my children left my home, but nothing could have prepared me for the all-consuming heartache and flood of emotions that encompassed me in the days and weeks after I lost my little boy.  I was numb.  My heart had a gaping hole that physically ached.  My arms were empty where my little boy should have been.  I was furious that God would allow me to grieve so deeply when He was supposed to be protecting my heart!  I knew that I would never survive another goodbye, so I gave up my foster care license and tried to move on.

I'm not sure if I can say that I've ever fully felt God's presence until a few months after I lost my little boy.  It began slowly.  I would see something that reminded me of my baby and would smile rather than cry.  I would look at the empty crib and imagine another little one who needed me sleeping in it.  As time went on, I began to feel the change within me, and I knew that could only be because of His promise to heal the hurt.  I felt a stronger sense of peace, a renewed purpose, and a faith that I had always HOPED to have, but never really knew that I could find. 

Fulfilled. Hopeful. Blessed.  My life is nothing like I thought it would be when I was younger.  I am most definitely a mom, but my children have come to me in ways I never could have imagined.  Then one afternoon in December of 2012, a two-month-old baby boy was placed in my arms and looked up at me with his “old soul” eyes like he knew something that I didn’t.  That little boy, my "Bug", was dedicated to the Lord here at this amazing church home one year later, and will soon be my first legal forever child as his adoption is finalized next month.

God has healed my heart time and time again over the past five years, and has blessed me beyond what I had ever hoped or thought possible.

I am Tammy (aka. Mimi) and I am CHANGED.

On this Orphan Sunday, and the second day of National Adoption Month, I encourage you to share with someone how your life has been touched by adoption.

National Adoption Month

November is National Adoption Month, so I thought I would make an attempt to do something every day to celebrate my family, to acknowledge Bug's birth family and heritage, and to raise awareness of the great need for loving homes for the thousands of children waiting for their "forevers."  In 2013, nearly 102,000 children were available for adoption through the foster care system.  One quarter of those children aged out of care without ever finding a forever family.

Over the next thirty days, I would love to encourage all of you to share how adoption has touched your lives with your family, friends, co-workers, church families, etc.  If you have been blessed through adoption, spend time with your children celebrating the things that make them so very special.  Thank people who have helped you along your adoption journeys or encourage a waiting family.  Over the course of the next thirty days, I hope to do the following things (in no particular order), and I hope you will participate as well!

1.  Share information about National Adoption Month on your blog and post your personal list of ways to acknowledge it throughout the month (feel free to use this one if you need ideas!).

2.  Share the story of your adoption journey on your blog or with your place of worship if you have one.  (November 2nd is Orphan Sunday and a perfect opportunity to ask your church family to become involved.)

3.  Send a thank you note to a caseworker, judge, agency, attorney, CASA volunteer, etc. who made a difference in your child(ren)'s case.

4.  Read an adoption-themed book with your child.  Share a list of your favorite adoption-themed books for children on your blog or FB page.

5.  Encourage a family you know who are considering adoption.

6.  Put an adoption themed bumper sticker or decal on your car.

7.  Surprise an adoptive family you know with a goody basket, a meal, free babysitting, a gift card, etc.

8.   Make a handmade craft with your child to use as gifts for their birth family or other important people.

9.  Send up a special prayer for the children still waiting for their forever families.  Pray for the children who have aged out of the foster care system and have no support system to fall back on.  Pray for the families who are considering taking a leap of faith and saying "yes" to these kids.  If you have a place of worship, submit a formal prayer request and ask your church family to pray for these children as well.

10.  Share your favorite adoption blogs, websites, magazines, etc. on your blog or FB page.

11.  Watch home movies and look at photos as a family.  Talk about their stories.  Tell them again how blessed you are to be their parent.

12.  Share a story about a waiting child, sibling group, or family on your blog or FB page.  Search adoptuskids.org or other photo listing and share one that touches you.  You never know if someone you share with might be that child's forever.

13.  Take a key player in your child's adoption to lunch or give them a call just to say hi and thank you.

14.  Look for events in your area celebrating National Adoption Month, Orphan Sunday, or National Adoption Day and make plans to attend one.

15.  Celebrate your child(ren)'s heritage with a fun meal, art project, etc.

16.  Volunteer with an agency, at an event, orphanage, or other adoption-focused organization.

17.  Connect with a child aging out of the system.  Offer encouragement, mentor them, be a safe place they can come to when they need it.

18.  Read a new "grown-up" book with a focus on adoption.  Share your favorite adoption-themed books on your blog or FB page.

19.  Commit to sponsor a child, family, agency, or adoption-focused organization over the next year.

20.  Send a care package to a group home, orphanage, or your local CPS office.

21.  Have a family movie night.  Pop popcorn, snuggle under blankets in your pajamas, and watch an adoption-themed movie with your kids.

22.  Write a letter to your child's birthparent(s).  It could be mailed.  It could be for your eyes only.  Just write the letter.

23.  Buy a t-shirt or piece of jewelry or other item that expresses your love of adoption.  Heck!  Get a tattoo!  (I plan to! :-)

24.  Research adoption-friendly companies and visit one.  Write them a letter thanking them for their support and for everything that they do to help build and support adoptive families.

25.  Send a card to a new adoptive family.

26.  Get a subscription to an adoption magazine or join an adoption association.

27.  Focus on your family on Thanksgiving Day.  Take turns giving thanks before your meal.  Tell your children again how blessed you are to be their parent.

28.  Find an online support group and listen to others' stories.  Do you have an adult friend whose life was touched by adoption in some way, but have never really heard their story?  Ask them about it.  You never know what you will learn from others until you ask.

29.  Create a new family tradition that specifically celebrates your family.  Take a family photo in the exact same spot every year.  Have the kids draw a family picture to frame and display for the year.

30.  Write a letter to your child(ren).

I hope you will all join me in raising awareness over the course of the next month as we celebrate family and give thanks for what we have.  Adoption touches so many lives in so many ways.  Wouldn't it be amazing to play a small part in giving one more child their "forever?"

Words That Take Your Breath Away

"Thank you for taking care of us."

Those were the words spoken by an 8-year-old little girl last night as a stranger tucked her into bed.  She and her younger siblings had just been removed from their home in the middle of the night and placed with people they didn't know.  So many times we try to anticipate our children's feelings.  Are they frightened?  Are they confused?  How can we help them?  And so many times, these children stop us in our tracks with only a few words.

"Thank you for taking care of us."

When I read those words on my friend's FB page this morning, all I could think was "wow..."  I kept coming back to it over and over again, my heart simultaneously breaking for that little girl and her siblings and thanking God that, at least for now, they are in a safe and loving home.  I kept coming back to those words and let them truly sink in, and I thought about all of the other times that a child's innocent words have left an ache in my heart.

I remember the first time I provided respite for a foster family, when 6-year-old Rocket asked me "So what exactly are the rules in your house?"  I think he was under the impression that I didn't have any because I really hadn't had to get onto him for anything.  I told him that my main rule is to "be respectful of others" and that included things like no yelling in the house (because I have neighbors upstairs), no hitting or kicking, etc.  He replied, "Why no hitting?" I told him that hitting hurts people, and that I never wanted anyone to be hurt. Rocket's face fell, and he replied in a quiet little voice, "People hit at my real house."  :'(   I knelt down in front of him and told him that that made me sad and that I was really sorry to hear that.   Then I assured him that no one hits at my house.  Ever.  He looked up, smiled, and said, "You're a really nice lady!" and then went on about his day as if he hadn't just taken my breath away with a few little sentences.  I'm so used to only fostering infants and toddlers that it was a whole new experience having children who could verbalize their experiences before coming into care.



Photo used with permission

Yesterday, another foster mama friend posted this picture in a foster parent support group.  It is a list of questions that her foster daughter has for her social worker.  Things like "Am I going back home," "How are Mom and Dad doing," and "Is any family member trying to get me?"  Her foster mom said that her foster siblings recently went to live with an aunt, and this little girl so desperately wants someone in her family to want her too. 

No child should ever feel unwanted.  No child should ever feel fear in their own home.  No child should ever be put in a position to thank complete strangers for doing what their own parents should have done.  No child should ever have to be in foster care.

Unfortunately, the sad reality is that children are living out these things every day.  Foster care is necessary because some parents will fail their children.  It is our responsibility as foster parents to walk with these kids through times of uncertainty, hurt, and fear of the unknown.  We do our very best to be an anchor for these children to hold on to when the big feelings come and threaten to take over.  And when their words hit us in a way that leave us heartbroken and breathless, we let them them know without a doubt that they are loved, that they are safe, and that they are most definitely wanted.

Letters Between Mothers

You might remember in early April, I reached out to Bug's birthmother.  In the two months since that initial letter, my son's first mom and I have been writing back and forth every week or two.  I tell her stories.  I answer questions.  I reassure her that Bug is growing up loved beyond measure in a home free from dysfunction and chaos.  She gives me pieces of his history.  She tells me her hopes and dreams for him.  She thanks me over and over for reaching out and giving her a chance that she feels she doesn't deserve.

It's a strange thing to have such a monumental connection to a woman you've never met - a connection to a woman who is so very different from you, and I know she feels the same.  I cling to every word as I piece together our son's past - where he came from and how he came to be mine.  She locks away every detail that I share about our son's present - his likes and dislikes, silly stories, and personality traits.  I smile when she responds with "Oh my goodness!  I know where he gets that!  His father used to do that all the time!" or "You said he loves cars and he loves to read, so I'm really hoping I can find a car book next time."  She cries happy tears when I send her little momentos like a handmade Mother's Day card from Bug and school photos - all things that she thought she would never be able to see when she signed relinquishment papers last September.

It's all still new, and we are still slowly figuring out the details of what we want this relationship to look like.  I am adament that any direct contact with Bug will not be happening until he is much older and able to help make that decision himself.  She completely agrees because she doesn't want to confuse him or let him down in any way.  I worry that frequent letters will cause her more pain than comfort when she reads about what all she is missing every day, and she worries that she will share too much about her past and how she was raised and I will decide that it's not worth the risk.  It's a balancing act, but it's one that I truly believe is worth every ounce of effort we can put into it for Bug's sake.

Every time I open the post office box to see a letter...  Every time I find a lone key to a parcel box...  Every time I address an envelope and drop it in the mail, I know that my son is gaining a little piece of his history.  I watch my little guy as he reads the first book his birthmother chose just for him and I see the collection of his birthmother's letters growing as I store them away, and I know without a doubt I made the right decision the day I reached out to the woman who loved my son first.  With every word, I am able to piece together my child's story in ways that I never would have been able to with only that big black binder handed to me by CPS.  With every word, I also have hope for the future.

I don't typically ask for prayers, but please lift up Bug's first mother over the coming weeks/months.   Please pray that she can feel my hope for her and my faith that she can overcome her addictions and learn to live a life that is not filled with dysfunction and chaos.   Pray that she can feel God's love and know that she is not alone and that this time she has people who believe in her and who are lifting her up in the best way they know how.   She is lost and struggling, but wants so badly to find a life outside of what she has always known.   As hard as it was for her to admit to herself that she couldn't be allowed to parent her son, she knows that he is exactly where he is meant to be, and we are both so hopeful that by seeing my love for him and how he is being raised, she'll get her first glimpse into how things should be.   Please just remember her in your prayers.   That's probably the best thing I can do for the woman who gave my son life.

Five Years Ago...

Five years ago today, my life was changed forever.

Five years ago today, a two-toothed, smiley little drool machine crossed my threshold, and the roller coaster journey that has ultimately led towards the creation of my family began.

The day that Booger Bear came through my door, I knew that there was something special about that little boy.  Little did I know, this little guy would be connected to every amazing thing that has happened in my life since.

In the year that Booger was with me, I learned just how deep a mother's love can run.  I quickly learned that the best sounds in the world are your baby's laughter and the little "I love yous.'"  I learned that baby hugs and kisses and "cuddle time" with your little boy can make a bad day turn around in an instant.  I learned what it means to be a mom.

Losing him was the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me, and I had no idea how I would recover from the grief.

Imagine my surprise when one year later, Booger had once again firmly planted himself into my heart and life...  along with his new mommy, his dad, and his newborn baby sister.

In the five years since Booger Bear first came through my door, I have gained a daughter, a son-in-law, and a granddaughter.

Because of my experience with Booger and his family, I am still Mommy to my amazing little 3-year-old Monkey more than two years after he returned home to his dad.  I never would have had the courage to try to co-parent with a former foster child's father on a long-term basis if I hadn't seen firsthand how foster care can work.

Five years after Booger Bear entered my life, I am the forever mommy to an adorable little Bug who has his own unique connections to Booger along with sharing the same middle name.

Five years ago today, my life was changed forever when a 7-month-old little Booger happily fell into my arms for the first time.

Five years ago today, a family was born.

"First Night" - Foster Care Supply Drive

 

 

May is National Foster Care Month, and we foster moms tend to take it very seriously when it comes to promoting, sharing our stories, and providing ideas on ways that anyone can help these amazing kids.  I have been focusing on my "Foster Care Bucket List" quite a bit while I'm taking my little foster care sabbatical, and this month I decided to organize a "First Night" Foster Care Supply Drive to help foster families in my agency with immediate needs upon placement. 

I am collecting things like diapers, pull-ups, underwear, diaper rash cream, baby wipes, toothbrushes, socks, pajamas, blankets, stuffed animals, formula, etc. "First Nights" can be stressful enough without having to make a midnight run to Walmart for Children's Tylenol when a little one comes to you in a hospital gown with a fever, three diapers, and no wipes (just like my very first placement). My hope is that we can collect a good supply of "First Night" supplies to have on hand for the children and families who need them.

Please comment or contact me if you'd like to contribute or would like more ideas or details!  I would also love to hear what all you have planned for National Foster Care Month in your area.

Another "First"

So a couple of weeks ago, I added another item to the list of "Things I Never Thought I'd Do Before Foster Care" when I wrote a letter to Bug's birthmother in prison.  I have never met the woman who gave birth to my son, and she hasn't seen him since he was two months old so I really didn't know what to expect.  I had heard from several different sources over the past year and a half that led me to believe that despite everything that happened early in his life and the choices that she made, she loves Bug very much.  The fact that she voluntarily relinquished her parental rights and added for the record that she knew that Bug was in a good and loving home and would have the life that she wants for him with me gave me the added push to reach out to her when Bug's adoption became finalized.

I had no idea what to say or where to begin.  What exactly do you say to the woman who gave your son life, but made terrible choices that ultimately ended in her losing her child?  I decided to start by explaining who I was and letting her know that I was writing because I wanted to tell her about Bug.  I knew that she had a general idea of who Bug was with after meeting Heaven's mother in jail earlier last year and Heaven making the connection (another one of those "only in foster care" moments), but I was never allowed to contact her while Bug was a ward of the state.  Now that he's officially mine, I wanted to do what I thought was right for my son and reach out to the woman who loved him first.

I told her all about Bug's personality, his likes and dislikes, shared a couple of funny stories, and sent a few recent photos.  I acknowledged that I understood how difficult it was for her to relinquish and to be apart from him. I ended by opening the door for contact with me and told her that I understood if that would be too difficult. I didn't specifically say "thank you for giving me my son" - just acknowledged her feelings and put the ball in her court for correspondence with me.  I specifically said, "My hope is that you would like to keep in contact and that [Bug] will have the opportunity to meet you and know you when he’s older." I thought that statement would make it clear that there will be no personal contact with Bug now, but that I'm not opposed to it in the future.

Then I looked up the guidelines for mailing letters to inmates at her prison because I had no clue what I was doing, wrote what seemed like a novel to address an envelope, plopped on a couple of stamps, and dropped the letter in the outgoing mail at work (I'm sure the mailroom staff had some raised eyebrows when they came across that one!).  That was two weeks ago, and I have since sat with baited breath and wondered whether or not I had done the right thing.

Then came today...

I woke up with a gnawing feeling that I needed to go check Bug's PO box.  I set up a post office box under his birth name so his birth family could maintain contact with him and we could maintain our anonymity.  His maternal grandmother was given the address back in September, but has never used it and the box has sat unused since it was opened.

                             Until today!!!

I drove to the post office at lunch, and in our box was a lone key to one of the parcel boxes.  Inside was a package that contained this book, a CD, and a form letter from the director of the volunteer organization that helps incarcerated mothers connect with their children by giving them the opportunity to read a book to their child.  I immediately put the CD in my car's CD player and was able to hear the voice of the young woman who gave birth to my son as she read the book that she had chosen especially for him.

Several people have asked me how I can be so invested in my children's birth families.  Why does it matter so much to me that my children have some sort of connection to the people who gave them life when they failed them time and time again?  For me, the answer is simple.  I have three forever children whose birthmothers have all battled addictions and demons that they just haven't been able to overcome.  They love their children, but addiction often has such an incredible stronghold over a person that someone without a strong support system simply can't escape it.  I love my children more than words can say, and I feel like I owe it to them to extend a piece of that love to the women who gave birth to them - to show them compassion and grace.

Bug's birthmother may never be able to overcome her addictions or heal to the point where she can have an ongoing relationship with him, but as of today my son will be able to hear the voice of his first mommy telling him that he "is more loved than he will ever know."  And that, my friends, is worth the risk.

"Real"

With the finalization of Bug's adoption this past week, I have heard the comment "Oh!  Now you get to be a real mom!" more times that I can count.  I understand where people are coming from, and I try not to take offense.  But every time I hear that statement, I can't help but think of my oldest son.  My three year old little Monkey who has never known another mother except me...

I think of the little boy who stirred from a deep sleep when I leaned in to give him one last goodnight kiss last night and he gently touched my cheek and whispered, "I love you, Mom" before falling back into his dreams.

I think of the little boy who repeats praises and lessons I have taught him to his little brother, Bug.  "I love you, Baby Bug.  I so very proud of you!"  "You needs to listen to yous Mom and Dad and Nana and Papa.  They keep Monkey and Bug safe!"  "What's the matter, Baby Bug?  It's okay.  Mommy be right back!"

I think of the little boy who eagerly waits for me to get home for lunch and constantly tells my mom how much he loves me.  "I really love Mommy."  Mommy's a really good Mommy."  "Mommy teach me to have good manners."  "Mommy a very smart lady." "I really love Mommy."  "Mommy coming home real soon!"

I think of the little boy who runs to me for random hugs and to kiss his "owies."

I think of the little boy who wants to sleep in Mommy's bed when he's sick.  "Mommy sorry about your icky coughs.  It's okay.  I sleep in your bed, Mommy?"

I think of the little boy who wants to "sing some songs" before bed every night and who always requests "Jesus Loves Me" and "the red and blue and purple and green and orange and yellow song" (aka. "Jesus Loves the Little Children") because "Mommy teached me songs about Jesus."

I think of the little boy who has spent more time in my arms than in anyone else's, and I know that is exactly where he belongs.

I may never be Monkey's "legal" mother, but I challenge anyone to look at my son and tell him that I'm not his "real" mom.

Full Circle

Four years ago, I stood in a courtroom desperately trying to hold back the tears that were streaming down my cheeks.  I had just learned that my baby boy, the little guy that I had loved as my own for the past year, simply wasn't coming home.  No transition.  No goodbye.  It was just over.

If you had asked me four years ago where I thought I would be today, I can guarantee it wouldn't have been here.  Today, four years after my world was turned upside down, I stood in a courtroom and allowed the tears to fall.  Today, my tears weren't tears of sorrow or despair.  Today, my tears were tears of joy.  Today, my world was turned right-side up again as I became the legal forever mother of another amazing little boy.

Welcome to the family,

My Little Bug!

I sure hope you like me...

'Cause you're not going anywhere!  :-)

Excitement and Fears

Bug's adoption will be finalized in four days, and the excitement and anticipation are really taking hold.  It's certainly to be expected.  I've been "foster pregnant" for 5 YEARS, 4 months, 2 weeks, and 6 days!!!  (Not that I'm counting or anything...)  

Soon I will able to give my little guy a dose of Tylenol without having to report it.  Soon I will be able to take my son out of the state without having to get permission from a judge.  Heck!  I can take him out of the country if I want to and don't have to tell a single person!  Soon I won't have to panic every time Bug decides to be a stuntman and ends up taking a nosedive off of his rocking horse.  No fear of CPS moving him because he has a bruise.  I can give him a mohawk if I want to and no one can stop me!  (For the record, that won't be happening.  But it could, and that's what matters!)  There are so many things that I have been looking forward to since I knew that Bug would be legally mine forever, and the anticipation of being able to have a "normal" family life without CPS hovering for a while is overwhelming in itself.

What I didn't expect was the near constant state of anxiety and numerous panic attacks complete with shortness of breath, heart palpitations, chest pains, overall shakiness, etc.  Initially I thought it was because I would soon be solely responsible for the health, protection, education, spiritual growth, self esteem, and overall happiness of another human being for at least the next 16.5 years.  I mean, I freaked out when I bought a washer and dryer for crying out loud!  This is a CHILD we're talking about here!  Then I realized, "No.  That's not it." 

I couldn't quite put my finger on what I was so nervous about until last week when I received Bug's case file from CPS.  That's when it hit me.  Reading page after page about my little guy's first two and a half months of life, the details of his birth, the facts surrounding his removal from his birth family, etc. broke my heart and left me wanting to wake him from a deep sleep and hold him for the rest of the night.  That's when I realized where my anxiety about this adoption was coming from...

How do I give my son his full story without breaking his heart?

They don't teach you this part in your foster care training.  The goal of foster care is to help heal and reunite families.  I suppose they don't want to plan for alternatives.  But that certainly doesn't help when you've adopted a child from a hard place and they want to know their stories when they are 5, 9, 13, 16 years old.  How do you look into the eyes of a child you would give your life for and have to honestly answer their questions about where they came from and how they came to be "yours" and protect their heart from the pain and loss at the same time?  

I have always believed in open adoption whenever possible.  I have always believed that a child can never have too many people who love them.  I know that Bug's birth family loves him.  I saw that love firsthand, and I struggle with my decision not to allow contact with him at times.  In Bug's case, however, an open adoption simply isn't safe, and our safety has to come before my desire for Bug to have his birth family play an active role in his life.  My hope is that I can reach out to them using Bug's birth name and be able to have a semi open adoption.  I want to be able to let them know he is okay and to be able to ask questions and get more information from them that can't be found in that thick black binder.  I want Bug to be able to reach out when he turns 18 and have some idea of what he might be stepping into if that is what he chooses to do.  But in the meantime, how do I make it okay for him?

I worry about school projects and family trees and all of the questions that will come up as he inevitably encounters situations that will bring up the feelings of loss that come with adoption.  I worry that I won't have the words or the ability to help him through those hard times.  Then I worry that I'll be so consumed with anticipating his emotions that I won't be cognizant of what he is actually feeling!  Apparently, I worry a lot when it comes to my little guy's heart.

In the midst of one of my panic attacks, my foster mama BFF told me to remember to "join his story at his level, each moment and year, rather than having to tell him a big bad story. By the time you get to 'that part,' he will already be so aware of how God has written love into his life that it will be a thing to grieve, but not a monster to eat him."  I pray that's true.  I pray that I am able to show Bug how very loved he is by so many.  I pray that when the questions come, I can find the words that will help my son.  But most of all, I pray that Bug will grow up knowing that he was fearfully and wonderfully made by the Lord Himself and that his future is one filled with love and hope.

Just Sayin'... ;-)

Got the news this morning!

:-)

BUG'S adoption will be finalized 

on MONKEY'S 3rd birthday!

How cool is that?!?

Things I've Learned Along the Way (Part Two)

When I first started fostering, I naively thought that the initial training I received would prepare me for what I would experience as a foster (and hopeful adoptive) parent.  Oh, how very, very wrong I was!  Over the past five years in Foster/Adopt Land, I have learned many valuable lessons along the way.  Some practical, some silly, and some very tough, emotionally draining ones...  I thought I'd share some of the lessons I've learned with all of you and hope that it helps some of you who are just beginning foster/adopt journeys of your own.  If you missed Part One of "Things I've Learned Along the Way," you can find it here.

Not-for-profits and other assistance - Contrary to public opinion, most foster parents aren't raking in the money.  Those of us who want the best for our children often have to seek assistance in order to help make that happen.  There are so many organizations and churches out there whose sole purpose is to assist foster children, fostering families, and youth aging out of care with scholarships for summer camps, clothing assistance, help during the holidays, providing initial placement necessities, etc.  Ask your caseworker, CASA, or your church if they know of any or search the internet specifically for "organizations supporting foster children in ______ county."  You might be surprised what all you can find!

Organization skills- With the never-ending mountain of paperwork, appointments, logs, and notes that foster parents must keep, it is sooooo important to find an organizational system that works well for you.  Keeping organized is one of the best things a foster parent can do in order to maintain their sanity.  It took a little while, but I finally developed a routine that works great for me (see the link above).  Now when a caseworker calls to ask seemingly random questions like, "How many visits has Bug had with his grandma?" I can quickly look it up and respond.  Don't invite more chaos by becoming overwhelmed by the paperwork.  Routine, routine, routine!  Trust me!  You won't regret it.

Privacy (or lack thereof) - One of the first things you learn about in foster care training is the privacy policy regarding your foster children.  Foster parents are not allowed to share ANYTHING with ANYONE regarding their placements.  Technically, we're not even supposed to identify them as foster children (although, seriously...  You show up to church with three new children one week, and people are gonna figure it out.)  No shared photos...  Not even Christmas cards of your family with children who have been with you for two years!  It's frustrating, but understandable to an extent.  What they don't tell you is that while your foster children have absolute privacy, you will have none.  That fact becomes very apparent during your homestudy when a stranger walks into your home and asks you extremely personal and somewhat embarrassing questions about your life.  As time moves on, you will be required to open your home to caseworkers, therapists, CASA volunteers, attorneys, random licensing workers, etc.  Some will walk in and make themselves at home, searching through your pantry for expired foods, digging through your medicine cabinets, and asking you more personal questions that you'd rather not answer.  And the lack of privacy doesn't stop there!  They'll even go after your friends and family by asking any frequent visitors to complete background checks.  I can see it now, "Hi Mr. Apartment Maintenance Man.  You are in my home more than twice a month, so I'm going to have to ask you to give me your social security number, your driver's license number, and all of your addresses for the past five years."  I have learned to limit background checks only to the people who will be babysitting my kids, and as far as anyone else is concerned, I have no other friends.  :-)

Questions - Don't be afraid to ask questions!  Ask questions before accepting a placement.  Ask questions throughout your children's cases.  Ask questions about birth families.  Ask questions if a situation arises that you are unsure how to handle.  You might not get an answer, but you'll never know unless you ask.

Remember that the goal of foster care is almost always reunification with family first - This is one lesson that many fostering families learn the hard way, even though they know that reunification is the goal.  Adoption-motivated families can have a very difficult time separating their desire to adopt from the ultimate goal of foster care...  To help families heal and reunite.  It can be especially difficult when caseworkers walk in and almost immediately ask if you would be willing to adopt.  I learned the hard way not to set myself up for even more heartbreak by believing that questions and conversations about adoption mean that the case is actually headed that way.  In fact, I have become so reunification-minded and an advocate for bio families who clearly love their children that I still have a hard time believing that I am about to finalize Bug's adoption.

Send important email correspondence to multiple people at once - It never fails.  I can email a caseworker ten times a day for a month, mark it as "Urgent," bribe with chocolate and Diet Coke and not get a single response until I decide to copy multiple people on my messages.  It's amazing how quickly things get accomplished when you've emailed the caseworker and copied their supervisor, your agency, your child's GAL, CASA, etc.

Transportation assistance - As a single, full-time working foster mom I know that I am simply not able to take off work to transport to/from visits.  I tell the placement workers up front that I will need someone else to transport to/from visits.  While different agencies and counties have their own policies regarding foster parents providing transportation, my county has always provided transportation for my little ones' weekly visits because they know before even placing them with me that they will need to do so.  I do try to transport occasionally so I can talk to the birth family and answer any questions they might have, but for the most part, my county has workers who transport and supervise visits for foster parents who need help in that area.

Utilize the knowledge and experience of long-time foster parents - No one...  I do mean no one...  understands the ins and outs of the foster care system like a long-time experienced foster parent.  Search for blogs, search for online support groups, and develop relationships with other foster parents who have been there.  Some of my closest friends are fellow foster moms who I have met online over the past five years.  Don't be afraid to reach out!  We're nice, and we're pretty smart cookies, too!  :-)

Vocalize any major concerns, but learn to let go of the "small stuff" - As foster parents, we have to learn to accept that everyone has different standards when it comes to parenting.  What might be unthinkable to us might be perfectly normal for our children's birth parents.  I would never in a millions years give my 3-month-old Kool-Aid and goldfish, but wouldn't you know, your baby returns from a visit with exactly that in his diaper bag.  Your first instinct might be to immediately tell their caseworker, but you know what?  The caseworker is going to say, "At least they are feeding him!"  Learn to voice major concerns (like when Bug came back from a supervised visit reeking of marijuana which ultimately led to a random drug test and ceased visitation upon the results), but try to look at the big picture when it comes to minor concerns.  No, they might no parent the way we would, but if it's not a behavior that would result in removal from the home in the first place, don't work yourself up over it.  Lead by example when you can, but learn to let go of the "small stuff."

WIC eligibility - I had no idea that my little ones were automatically eligible for WIC until another foster parent asked why I wasn't using it for Booger Bear.  He had already been with me for eight months at that point!  Since then, I've utilized my kiddos' WIC benefits until they turn one year old.  Saving $150 or more a month on formula and baby food is a huge blessing and worth the slight inconvenience of having to go up to the WIC office once every three months.  I haven't ever used it after my little ones have turned one, but I probably would if I had several children who qualified.

And that's just PART of the CLOTHES!

X-treme hoarding of all things "child" - I have learned that something happens to ordinarily reasonable women when they become foster parents.  I prefer to call it "nesting," but some might call it "hoarding."  There's just something about knowing that we could get a call for any age or any gender that sends us into "Always Be Prepared" mode.  Over the years I have made a fervent half-hearted effort to minimize my stockpile of baby gear, clothing, toys, and other infant/toddler supplies, but it seems my "foster mama hoarder" tendencies run too deep.  I have, however, managed to think smart when it comes to my awesome collection.  "Convertible" is the name of the game!  When making purchases for baby gear and other larger items, I have learned to invest the money in items that will grow with the child or that can be easily converted for any age.  I can get a call for a 2-year-old, a newborn, or a 13-year-old and can use the same frame as my cribs convert to toddler beds and then full-size beds.  The same goes for things like bathtubs, highchairs, toys, etc.  Well...  Maybe not for the 13-year-old, but you get the idea.

You will likely never have to use a lot of what they teach in your yearly required training classes - "Water Safety..."  While I suppose technically I do use what is taught in that hour long class on a daily basis, I am fairly certain I could have figured out not to leave my 1-year-old unsupervised by the pool all on my very own.  "Emergency Behavior Intervention..."  I believe I have taken that particular class at least six times now, and I have never had to use a single thing.  I foster infants and toddlers.  Any "therapeutic holding" that I do is of the "rocking to sleep in the rocking chair" persuasion.

Z...  Um, yeah.  I can't think of a "Z" so I'll leave you with another "Y" - You won't always attach to the children who are placed with you...  and THAT'S OKAY!  Don't beat yourself up for not feeling that instant bond with a baby.  Don't let yourself get down because you can't seem to connect with an older child in your care.  What matters is that these children feel loved, safe, secure, wanted, and cherished while they are with you.  Sometimes the bond of love grows softly over time.  Other times, it might never fully develop, and THAT'S OKAY!  It is okay to say "no" to adopting a child with whom you don't have that connection.  By saying "no," you are giving that child an opportunity to find a permanent place with a family who does.  I believe that all long-time foster parents have been in this situation at one time or another, and are often afraid to admit that they don't feel that attachment...  As though something must be wrong with us and if we just try harder, that bond will come...  I have learned over the years that my feelings are absolutely valid and shouldn't be taken lightly or overlooked.  You won't always attach to the children in your care...  and THAT IS OKAY!

And there you have it...  Tammy's words of wisdom (for what they're worth ;-) and what I have learned over the past five years as a foster (soon-to-be adoptive) mom.