Q & A with Monkey and Bug

A couple of days ago I did one of those questionnaire things with the boys asking them questions about Mommy.  I asked them the questions separately, and some of their answers cracked me up.  Bug is 3yrs/4mos, and Monkey is 4yrs/10mos.

1)  What is something I always say to you?
Bug - "You always say silly things."
Monkey - "When you say 'I love you bunches and bunches to the moon and back' and 'Don't let the bedbugs bite!" (part of our nightly routine)

2)  What makes Mommy happy?
Bug - "Green happy faces" (Behavior chart at school)
Monkey - "ME!"  (He must not have remembered Mommy practicing her deep breathing and calming techniques ten minutes prior when the little toot had the nerve to run screaming in the opposite direction after I told him not to throw his trains.)

3)  What makes Mommy sad?
Bug - "Red sad faces" (He's only ever had ONE, but he remembers. Lol)
Monkey - (total silence - Apparently he thinks I'm ALWAYS happy.  Again, what is this boy not remembering?!?)

4)  How does Mommy make you laugh?
Bug - "When you tickle me."
Monkey - "With tickles"

5)  What was Mommy like when she was a little girl?
Bug - "You made a fire at your house and the firemen had to come and they saved all of the presents!" (Not exactly the way it happened. It was our neighbor's house right around Christmas, and I DID NOT start the fire, but that's what he thinks. Now everyone thinks I'm pyromaniac!)
Monkey - "You were YOU!"

6)  How old am I?
Bug - "3"
Monkey - (shaking his head) "I don't know. Old."  (Gee, thanks, kid!)

7)  How tall am I?
Bug - "Higher and higher! You're growing too!" (Unfortunately, Mommy is growing OUT and not UP.)
Monkey - "Really tall."  (I think this is the one and only time anyone will think that I am tall.)

8)  What is Mommy's favorite thing to do?
Bug - "Just play."
Monkey - "Make us breakfast."  (Really?!?  What Mommy are YOU talking about?!?)

9)  What does Mommy do when you're not with me?
Bug - "Go to work all by yourself."
Monkey - "Get ready for work."

10)  What is Mommy really good at?
Bug - "Driving"  (This is quite a compliment coming from the world's most vocal backseat driver.)
Monkey - "I don't know.  I'm just a little boy!" (I guess the pressure of so many questions was getting to him at this point.  Lol!)

11)  What is Mommy not so good at?
Bug - "Coloring"
Monkey - "Coloring"  (I think I'm seeing a theme here.)

12)  What does Mommy do for a job?
Bug - "Pay people monies."  (Why, YES!  I DO!!!)
Monkey - "Work" (pretty much)

13)  What is Mommy's favorite food?
Bug - "Diet Coke" (He knows me so well... :-)
Monkey - "Lunchables!  Yeah...  Those are gooooood.  They got ham and cheese and crackers...  Mmm-mmm!"  (I think you're confusing me with someone else.)

14)  What do you love to do with Mommy?
Bug - "When we go to places just you and me!  That's fun!"
Monkey - "Just hang out with you and Bug."


After I asked Monkey the questions about me, I decided to see if I could get him to answer the same questions about his dad.  I am totally going to put these together in a project of some sort and give it to Popi for Father's Day or something.  He'll be mortified by some of Monkey's answers, but I sure got a great laugh out of it!  :-)

1)  What is something Popi always says to you?
Monkey - "That he loves me and that he loves me a whole lot.  He says it ALL THE TIME! (insert dramatic rolling of the eyes and then a big smile)."

2)  What makes Popi happy?
Monkey - "When I run up to him and give him hugs and kisses."

3)  What makes Popi sad?
Monkey - "If I don't love him."

4)  How does Popi make you laugh?
Monkey - (giggle giggle) "When he toots."  (I have a feeling Popi will be mortified to hear that Monkey shared that little detail with me.)

5)  What was Popi like when he was a little boy?
Monkey - (more giggles) "He used to toot in the bathroom."

6)  How old is Popi?
Monkey - "Four and a half."

7)  How tall is Popi?
Monkey - "Really, REALLY tall." (Compared to Mommy's 'really tall'.")

8)  What is Popi's favorite thing to do?
Monkey - "Tickle me and watch TV."  (I don't doubt that one bit.  You know WAY too many commercials to suspect otherwise.)

9)  What does Popi do when you're not with him?
Monkey - "Works."

10)  What is Popi really good at?
Monkey - "Talking on the phone."  (You mean Popi actually SPEAKS?!?)

11)  What is Popi not so good at?
Monkey - "Coloring."  (Now I'm beginning to think they expect Monet or Rembrandt or Vincent van Gogh or something.)

12)  What does Popi do for a job?
Monkey - "He works on airplanes."  (Yep.)

13)  What is Popi's favorite food?
Monkey - "Hot sauce, 'cause it's for grown ups."

14)  What do you love to do with Popi?
Monkey - "Just hang out with him."


I love doing these types of things with the kids and seeing how their answers change as they get older.  Have any of you tried this with your little ones?  Any hilarious (but mostly true) results?  :-)



 

"Foster Friday" Q&A: Help for the Holidays

Source

Anyone who says that "foster parents are only in it for the money" clearly hasn't ever fostered (or been close to anyone who has for that matter!).  92 cents an hour does not a wealthy person make!  Every penny and then some goes straight towards our kiddos' immediate needs.  People rarely think about the added expenses of being a foster family that most mainstream families don't have.

• Multiple sizes and numbers of carseats, boosters, infant carriers, etc. that need to be replaced often due to extreme wear and tear and age.  Did you know that carseats "expire" 6 years after the manufacture date and should be replaced?  When you have a constant stream of children of every age, the cost of replacing all of their transportation safety equipment can be daunting in itself.

• Constant replacement of everyday infant/toddler supplies, clothing, and toys that get misplaced during visits, worn out from overuse, or sent home in bulk when our kiddos return home.  I know when my kids return home, I send them with all of their favorite toys, learning toys, books, the bottles/sippy cups that they are used to, their favorite blanket and stuffed animals, all of their OTC medications and personal hygiene supplies, diapers, wipes, formula and/or a few groceries or foods that they are used to eating, and their complete wardrobes.

• Last minute scrambling to purchase twin beds or cribs when we receive a placement call for a child not in our planned age range (because goodness knows, it happens all the time)

• Loss of income for working parents who need to take unpaid time off of work for foster care-related home visits, court hearings, required appointments, etc.

All of the added expenses as well as trying to keep an "emergency reserve" for all of the initial costs associated with new children coming into our lives with a phonecall's notice and an hour to prepare leave very little resources for extravagant purchases at any time of the year...  But when children come into care during the Christmas season (unfortunately one of the busiest times of the year for children to come into care), any assistance that a foster family can receive in order to help alleviate the stress of not only providing a comfortable, loving home for these kids, but help in giving them a joyful and fulfilled Christmas and holiday season that they deserve is a huge blessing to everyone involved.

When I first started fostering, I had no idea that there was any kind of assistance out there for families like mine.  As Christmas neared the year that Booger Bear and Angel were with me, I began to learn from various sources about different not-for-profits and local groups whose mission is to provide foster children with gifts, warm coats, shoes, food, etc.  That year, my kids were blessed beyond measure with gifts from their CASAs, donors from my agency, CPS, Angel's young mother's group, and a local not-for-profit.  Over time, I have learned of even more organizations and groups who offer assistance to foster families throughout the year as well as during the holiday season specifically.

"So how do you find them?!?" you might ask.  Ask your children's CASA, caseworker, agency, or your church.  Scour the internet and search specifically for "organizations supporting foster children in *** County/State."  You might be surprised what all you can find!

Just a few random ones that I may or may not be personally familiar with (because I don't want to be too specific on my location) are:

Friends of Wednesday's Child offers a wide variety of programs and assistance for foster children and teens aging out of care in North Texas.

Ambassadors for Children in Greene County, Missouri also offers several forms of assistance and support to abused and neglected children and foster families in Greene County.

The Foster Care Support Foundation partners with the state of Georgia to help meet the needs of Georgia's foster children.  This particular organization has a huge variety of programs including assistance in meeting physical needs, training, scholarships, and foster parent support.

iFoster.org - iFoster.org is a National organization that provide resources for at-risk children and youth by partnering with major retailers, restaurants, services providers, etc. to offer discounts for families in need.  They offer discounted rates on computers and cell phone plans, coupons for groceries, tips on improving computer skills, and question and answer forums.

These are just a teeny tiny sampling of the organizations that are out there to assist our families and our kids.  I am in the process of compiling a listing by state as well as a list of National organizations.  My hope is to be able to put these together as a stand-alone page on the blog for easy referencing. 

This is where you come in!

 

 

My HUGE request is for help FROM ALL OF YOU in providing links to organizations that you use in your area (or just help with the research if you have time to spare over the coming weeks). 

Please post your choices here or email me directly at I_MustBeTrippin@hotmail.com with links to your favorite organizations or if you can offer any other kind of assistance.  I would love for this list to provide a great variety of options for foster families everywhere, and I know this is a huge task that I can't do alone!  Very thankful for my awesome readers who have already contacted me!!!  You ladies are wonderful!  :-)

 

Keep an eye out for a "Foster Care Resources" link over the coming weeks and check back frequently as I will continue to update as I find new organizations.  Looking forward to this project and to being able to provide a great resource to foster families!  In the meantime, be sure to ask your children's CASAs, caseworkers, etc. about local organizations for help for the holidays.  The help is out there!  You just have to find it.

"Foster Friday" Q & A - The Name Game

With so many new adoptions in the works for many of you, the subject of changing your child's name has come up quite a bit recently on different blogs and support groups.  When I received a call a couple of days ago to submit my homestudy for an adoptive placement of a 2-month-old baby girl, I started wondering...  Would I want to change her name?  Yes.  She's so young I doubt she knows her name right now anyway.  But that made me think...  

How do you make the decision to change your child's name when they are older?  18 months, 3 years, 8 years, 17 years?  At 18 months old, would I have changed Monkey's or Booger's names if I'd been able to adopt them?  They knew their names at that age, and an 18-month-old certainly isn't going to understand why everyone is suddenly calling him something completely different.  An older child would.  They might even be excited about process and concept of helping to choose their new name.  So many thoughts running through my head on the subject!!!

I started thinking about all of my foster kiddos, their names, and how I would feel about changing them if I had been able to adopt them.  I thought about baby name books and how most people go about choosing names for their children.  I thought about how a completely different name might affect my little ones verses how a new name might be welcomed for others.  (I tend to overthink things, I think ;-)
 

Banana and Her "Mad" Face :-)

Mimi's Personal Naming Rule #1:  Avoid Terms of Endearment and Names Associated with Peace Signs and Bell Bottoms

My first foster daughter's name was one that I definitely would have changed.  I'm not quite certain what her mother was on when she named her, but I am fairly certain whatever it was wasn't exactly legal.  Munchkin had one of those super long, hippie, endearment names similar to "Honey Autumn Moonbeam Doe."  Having a term of endearment as your child's first name can really freak a mama out when random strangers call them by name.  When that child is a foster/adopted child, you definitely don't want to hear their name coming from the mouth of an unknown person.  In Munchkin's case, I probably would have kept one of her middle names and changed her first name.


Mimi's Personal Naming Rule #2:  When Bestowing a Clearly Cultural Name Upon Your Child, It Is Wise to Use a Name from THEIR Culture

When Monkey came to me, I found it rather amusing that this 100% Hispanic child had a decidedly Irish first and middle name paired with a very, very Hispanic surname.  His last name is so culturally-rooted that even my company's translator had difficulty pronouncing it!  Would I change it now?  No.  I love his name.  I might have even used it had I been able to have little Irish babies of my own.  But had I wanted to change Monkey's name to one with a cultural ring to it, I don't think I would have chosen one that leads you to expect a red-headed pasty white boy with an Irish accent.


Mimi's Personal Naming Rule #3:  PUH-LEEZE Don't Get All Creative with the Spelling!

When Booger Bear came through my door, his paperwork was a mess!  I quickly realized that was because his birthmother decided to take some creative liberties with the spelling and no one had a clue how she wanted it spelled.  I wouldn't have changed his name...  But I would have corrected the spelling so the poor kid wouldn't have to spend his entire lifetime explaining that "No, it's not a typo."  Unfortunately, Kelly didn't change it when Booger went to him, so my special boy is probably going to grow up with people thinking that he is "special" in other ways because he doesn't know how to spell his own name.  The sad thing is that it's been so long now that I really have forgotten how his name is supposed to be spelled!


Mimi's Personal Naming Rule #4:  When Enlisting the Assistance of Your Preschooler in the Re-Naming Process, Don't Take Their Suggestions TOO Seriously

When Christy found out she was having the Mini Munchkins, she wanted to include the Big Twins in as much as she could.  They spent hours going through names and bouncing ideas off of each other.  Buddy chose a name for his little sister, and kept pushing it on Christy for months leading up to the birth.

     *** Butterfly Crystal ***

Christy finally asked him why he liked that name so much, and he responded with "girls' names should be beautiful, and that's a beautiful name!"  Christy compromised by telling Buddy that he was right, and that she would save that very special name just for him so he could use it for his daughter when he became a daddy.  (Well played, Christy!  Well played!)

Ka-Diva was much more practical in her approach.  Any time I asked her what she thought, she would reply with single syllable names like "Kate" or "Bart."  When I asked her about her name choices, she told me that her name was too long and that she just thought she'd pick easy names "so they won't run out of paper."  "Run out of paper," I asked.  "Yeah.  I always run out of paper when I write my name!"  :-)

Mimi's Personal Naming Rule #5:  Put the Breaks on the Crazy

I'm all for allowing my children some freedom of expression and promoting creativity.  However, when it comes to them being solely responsible for choosing the name that they would like to have on all of their legal documents for the rest of their lives, I say "Put the breaks on the crazy."  I can totally see Miss Banana walking into the room and announcing, "You may call me 'Princess Consuela Bananahamac!'"  Um, yeah...  I'm gonna go with "no" on that one.

Sooo...  My questions to all of you are...

"How did you decide whether or not to change your adopted child's name?"

"How old was your child when you changed their name?"

"If your child was young, were they confused?  How did they adjust?"

"If your child was older, did they participate in choosing their new name?"

"Foster Friday" Q & A - All About Mimi

For August's "Foster Friday" Q & A, I thought it might be a good time to dedicate an entire post to any questions that you guys might have about me and my foster care experiences.  I've received lots of questions recently, and I know many of you new readers haven't had a chance to go back and read 500 old posts (who does, right?!?).  So here it is!  The "Who, What, When, Where, How, and Why" of my personal foster care experiences...

"Who are you?"

Okay, so no one actually asked me that question, but I thought it was a good place to start.  I'm "Mimi."  37-year-old single lady with an obnoxious cat, daughter, sister, friend, cool aunt, honorary "mom," honorary "grandma," bio mom to none, but foster mom to six kiddos and counting...  I work full-time in the Finance department of a large not-for-profit organization near my home.  It's not an overly-exciting job seeing as how I mostly just pay bills, but it's been the perfect place for me to be as I navigate Foster/Adopt Land.  I love to write (hence, the blog).  I love to advocate for foster care.  I love being able to provide emotional support and advice to other new and experienced foster parents.  But more than anything, I love my family...  The family that I was born into and the family that has grown in ways that I never could have imagined all because I chose to open up my heart, my life, and my home to children and families who need me.

"What all do you file for each foster child, and how do you organize it?  For example: expenses, family visits, etc?"

This is actually going to be the topic for this month's "Foster Friday Tips" on the 24th, but the short answer is "pretty much everything."  Cherub Mamma wrote a great post detailing her awesome binder method (almost identical to mine) and Melissa wrote about her binder method that also included visit logs and documentation of contact with the bio families.  I tend to do most of my communication through email so there is no doubt as to what was said, when it was said, to whom it was said, etc.  A caseworker can't argue that they never received an email that was time-stamped and addressed to them the way they can with a voicemail message.  My other main tip is to get yourself a day planner with lots of room for notes.  I use mine to keep track of everyone's schedules as well as to jot down notes about visitations, milestones, behavioral problems, etc.  I can't tell you how many times I've had to go back and reference mine to find answers for caseworkers and for noting details when filling out monthly reports.  The day planner is small enough to be able to carry with me all the time, while the binder gets to stay safely put away until it's needed.  Stay tuned on August 24th for a more detailed post about keeping organized in mountains of paperwork.

"When and how did you know that foster care was right for you?"

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mom.  I always dreamed of homeschooling my five children as we traveled the country in our RV.  The odd thing about that dream is that I always imagined those five children would come to me through adoption, rather than through my own pregnancies.  I struggled with endometriosis for years.  After two surgeries, hormone injections, and more hours than I care to count curled up around a hot water bottle, I finally had a hysterectomy at the age of thirty.  I was surprisingly okay with it.  I think when you've been in that much pain for that long, the permanent end to the pain marks a new beginning to a new chapter in your life (not to mention, I would have made a horrible pregnant woman!  God knew what He was doing when he made me barren. ;-)

(Excerpt from my Mother's Day guest post at Attempting Agape.  I think this explains it best...)

In the fall of 2008, I decided to take a leap of faith and become a foster parent.  I had always shied away from foster care because of the usual fears related to having to say goodbye to children who I loved as my own, but as time went on I finally began to trust that God wouldn't have planted this seed in my heart only to leave me hurting and devastated.  I began to trust that He would heal me through the hurt as I loved my children and let them go.  So I dove headfirst into the crazy, unpredictable world of foster care, and allowed myself to love my kids with my whole heart despite the inevitable hurt.

I suppose what it boils down to is:  I love children.  I have a heart that wants to love, protect, and nurture and a desire to help.  Every time I open my front door and see Monkey and his daddy grinning from ear to ear...  Every time Heaven sends me special messages from Booger Bear...  Every time we have a family gathering and the number of family members continues to grow, I know that foster care is right for me.


"Where have you found the most support (moral support, financial, etc.) since you've been fostering?"

For me, my biggest source of moral support outside of close friends and family has been online!  When I started this blog, it was initially just to keep friends and family updated on what was going on in my life and to give me a place to put down my thoughts and feelings.  It turned into so much more than I ever expected!  I have "met" some amazing women along the way who share similar experiences and who "get it" like no one else can.  I became a "blog stalker."  Clicking away on follower profiles of other foster parent blogs and locating their blogs...  And I'm so glad I did!!! 

My agency has also been a fantastic source of support when it comes to finding financial assistance for my kids.  They keep us appraised of available reimbursements for clothing, summer camps and graduation expenses, foster care-related events, stores that offer discounts for foster parents, great sales for things like diapers, etc.  Yes, having an additional person in your home every month can get tiresome, but the support that I receive from my agency far outweighs the inconvenience.


"How are you able to juggle working full-time and all of the foster care appointments as a single?"

Simple answer...  FMLA!!!  Placement of a foster child is a qualifying event for FMLA, and I use every bit of it.  I don't do the traditional "maternity leave" though.  I use it intermittantly for foster care-related appointments, medical appointments and illnesses for my child, court dates, etc.  As long as you don't go over 90 days in a 12 month period, you're covered.  I am also extremely blessed to have a very understanding and supportive boss and co-workers.  After four years of fostering, they're "old pros" as well.  :-)

As far as the necessary time off work, the first two weeks or so after getting a new placement are pretty busy with all of the initial required appointments, but after that, I am very firm on when caseworkers, CASAs, etc. may come to the house during the work week.  I tend to take the third Wednesday of the month off every month and tell everyone three weeks in advance that if they want to come to the house during the workday, they need to come that day.  For the most part, they usually show up.  My children's CASAs have always been flexible and can come on weekends or evenings.

When it comes to weekly visitations for my children and their families, I tell their caseworkers up front that they will need to provide transportation most of the time.  On "slow" months, I will occassionally take off work part of the day to transport myself because I like to develop relationships with my children's parents if at all possible.

I think the main thing to remember is that you can say "No, I am not taking off work at 1:00pm to meet you at my house.  I will leave an hour early at 4:00pm, and be your last appointment of the day or you can come any time on the third Wednesday of the month like everyone else."  In the beginning I was very hesitant to say "no," but over the years I have learned that it's okay.  They might not be happy about it, but they'd be less happy if you lost your job and they had to find a new home for your children.  ;-)

"What did you do to support the families that you fostered for so that you were able to have such successful relationships with them after the kids reunited?"

I've thought about this question a lot lately because I do tend to have such great relationships with my kids and their families after they return home.  All of the children that I had long-term are still in my life.  My cases have been a bit different in that they haven't been horrific abuse cases.  For the most part, their parents have just made mistakes or just needed some time to get their lives on a more positive path.  It's also important to keep in mind that (with the exception of Angel), I've only fostered infants.  I think the dynamics will change a bit with older children.

I've tried to step back and look at what I may or may not have done to develop these relationships along the way, and here's what I've come up with:

• Compliment their kids and reassure their parents that they are the parents - One of the very first things (if not the first thing) that I say when I meet my children's parents is usually something along the lines of "It's so nice to finally meet you.  Your son is a joy!"  That one statement usually goes a long way towards establishing a relationship.

• Keep the conversation light and friendly unless they want to have a more serious conversation - Most of my parents have initially been hesitant and uncomfortable around me.  I'm sure they think I must be judging them for their mistakes or thinking all sorts of negative thoughts.  I very, very quickly try to put them at ease by treating them like long-time friends.  It's difficult to be afraid of or intimidated by someone who will laugh with you about your child's funny moments or talk about your pets.

• Active listening - I'm pretty good at reading people.  I can usually tell when they need a sympathic ear, some lighthearted conversation, or just someone to reassure them.  All of my children's parents have needed something different from me at different times.  Pay attention, and try to follow their lead when it comes to the more serious conversations that might come up. 

• Show compassion and understanding -  I remember early on thinking how argumentative and desperate Monkey's dad was.  He is completely different now.  I tried to put myself in his shoes and realized that if my child were taken away from me, I would be just as desperate.  I know that people make mistakes and poor decisions.  Imagine making a mistake that cost you your child, and treat them the way you would want to be treated.

• Open and constant communication regarding their children - I take tons of pictures that I send for their parents.  I make monthly photo books for my kids' parents that talk about milestones and funny stories.  I pass notes back and forth in the diaper bag.  When I am able to see the parents in person, I answer each and every question they might have as well as offer information about their little ones.  A picture speaks a thousand words, and seeing their child smiling and happy goes a long way towards reassuring their parents that they are safe, loved, and doing well.

• Whenever possible, include their parents on outings or special occassions - This is something that you definitely have to clear with your child's caseworker, and will usually only apply to situations where reunification is likely.  Clearly I'm not suggesting you invite convicted felons or drug dealers to your home for a pool party.  :-)  With Booger Bear, I got permission to invite his dad to join us on Booger's first trip to the zoo.  After that outing went well, we would occassionally meet for dinner or to go swimming.  When he started getting longer, unsupervised visits, he came straight to my house to pick up and drop off.  With Monkey, I began transporting him to his weekly visits with his dad at the CPS office several weeks before unsupervised visits began.  By the time his first unsupervised visit occurred, his father and I had already worked out childcare, schedules, etc. for when Monkey returned home.  I invited his dad to Monkey's first birthday party as well, but he wasn't able to make it.  He just said, "I'll know he'll have a good time, and I'll get lots of pictures."  (He knows me too well... ;-)

• Advocate for parents who are doing well, as well as the child - When Monkey was able to return to his father's care, his dad told me, "Thank you for helping me get my son back sooner.  I know it was only possible because of you."  He was referring to my offer to continue to provide child care for Monkey while his dad was at work as he works nights, and finding nighttime care can be difficult.  When parents are doing well, following their service plans, and are really trying to do whatever it takes to bring their children home, I do everything in my power to get them longer or more frequent visits.  I try to encourage good transitions that include overnights in their home.  I try to get extra visits around holidays and birthdays.  What it boils down to is, advocating for my children's parents ultimately makes things easier for my babies as well.  It shows them that you are on their side and want to see them succeed as a family.  I think that knowing you are on their side helps develop a long-lasting relationship.  Parents don't feel that they are fighting another person for their child...  They are turning to you for support.

"Why do you continue to foster?"

After gaining a family and a life like this, why wouldn't I?!?  (I love that I can share their pictures now!!!  :-)

Reader Question - Vaccinations for Bios?

I just received a question from a new reader and hopeful new foster parent, and I wanted to ask all of you.  Not having other children in my home, I'm not really familiar with the requirements.


Question posted with permission from new reader, Shelly:


"I have run into a snag and I'm looking for some input.  My husband and I have 9 children, 4 are grown and have moved out.  We currently have 5 at home, their ages range from 4-12.  Three of my 5 have neuro deficits such as bipolar, aspergers, adhd, sensory processing disorder and tourettes.  All three of them rec'd the recommended vaccinations.  My last two are vaccine free and have NO neuro problems whatsoever.  My husband and I made this choice years ago and are happy with it.


My husband and I decided to pursue fostering and have put much thought into the decision.  We recently started our classes and are excited for this journey.  In reviewing the packet, I found that all children (bio and otherwise) are required to be fully vaccinated.  I phoned the licensing specialist and she told me it is required and there is no waiver allowed; it is a deal breaker.  I'm in knots over this and quite frankly, I'm not sure what to do.  I could of course, have my children start the vaccination schedule, but I'm worried sick they will be affected.  Have you encountered this with other parent that you connect with?"


I know Shelly would welcome any advice or input!

"Foster Friday" Q & A - Private Agency vs. State

I've recently seen quite a bit of discussion regarding foster parents working with private agencies verses working directly with their State or County offices.  There are pros and cons to each, and I know that every state does things differently.  For today's "Foster Friday," I thought I'd tell you about my personal experience here in the Lone Star State, and ask all of you about your experiences.

When I first decided to look into foster care, an agency near my parents' house held an informational meeting with representatives from a few of the area's private agencies as well as one from DFPS.  At the time, I was eager to get started, and I chose to go with the agency that was close to my parents' house simply because they were nearby and starting the required training classes the following week.  I should have done my homework though.  I ended up leaving the agency after Booger Bear left.  They were a nightmare, and I was so fed up that I just relinquished my license rather than have to deal with them another day.

• Calling and demanding that I take off work to drive Angel to appointments (apparently, no one else was allowed to do it), but not speaking to me at all while I was there.  
• Monthly visits where the caseworker would actually get in my pantry and check the expiration dates on my canned goods when I didn't even have a child in the home!
• A staff therapist who I highly suspect was high half of the time who told my 16-year-old foster daughter that she should send her to a Residential Treatment Center because she (the therapist) "didn't know what she was doing because she didn't usually work with teens!"
• Requiring me to sign a safety plan that in essence forced me to be in two different places at once.
• Expressing their "concern" that Angel didn't have a job or participate in any extracurricular activities and then getting angry when I asked just when exactly she was supposed to do that considering they had her booked solid with CPS and agency-related appointments every single day of the week.

And the list goes on and on and on...

When I decided that I really did miss fostering and wanted to start again, I knew that I needed to take my time and figure out the best option for me when it came to choosing another agency or working directly with DFPS.  I asked other foster parent friends for their opinions on their agencies and referrals.  I researched online and narrowed my choices down to two agencies and DFPS directly.  Then I contacted all three.  I ended up weighing pros and cons, but my decision ultimately came down to the fantastic response time and great communication that I received from my current agency when I was trying to get the ball rolling again.  After nearly two years with them, I am so happy I made the decision that I did.  Sure, there are times when I want to pull my hair out, but overall they have been awesome and a huge support system for me and my kids.

For me, the pros of working through a private agency (my current one that is) have outweighed the cons.

• They are there for me (the foster parent) as well as the kids.  They do the "dirty work" by taking the time to track down documents, information, etc. that I need for my kiddos so I can just be the parent.  They have argued with Medicaid for me.  They have hounded caseworkers for information.  They have commiserated with me during those times when I've been overwhelmed and frustrated.  They are there when I say both "hello" and "goodbye" to the children who come in and out of my life.
• They help me keep my license by reminding me of deadlines for required training classes, keeping on top of required paperwork, and letting me vent away without repercussion when things get too crazy.
• They are a great resource for information on discounts, reimbursements, charities, etc. for foster families.  Goodness knows, every little bit helps!
• Because their caseloads are much smaller than those of DFPS workers, they are much easier to reach. Their response times are usually much faster as well.  Anyone who's ever had an Invisible CPS Caseworker of their own can appreciate how awesome it is to be able to actually reach the person you want to speak to.

The only real downsides that I've been able to see when it comes to licensing through a private agency rather than straight through DFPS have been:

• It's just one more person having to make monthly visits to your home every month.  But, let's be honest...  What's one more person when you already have a revolving door of caseworkers and CASAs anyway?  Sometimes it's the only adult conversation that we get!
• Agencies often have stricter rules and regulations for their homes on top of the State's Minimum Standards.  Many of the Minimum Standards are subject to interpretation, and most agencies prefer to err on the side of caution.
• Extra paperwork...  And if your agency has an OCD anal-retentive type director like mine, there will be lots of extra paperwork.  For some people, that might be a deal-breaker.  Fortunately, I'm a slightly OCD anal-retentive type as well, so while I don't necessarily like all of the extra paperwork, I don't have any trouble keeping up with it.

So that's my two cents on the agency vs. State debate.  What about all of you?  What have your experiences been like?  How do you feel about your agency and/or relationship with your State office?  I'd love to hear from you!

Favorite Fostering Ages?

I have a question for all of you seasoned foster parents out there, and I'm not patient enough to wait until the 2nd Friday of June for "Foster Friday Q&A" to get the answer.  So...  I'm asking today!  :-)

I'm moving into my bigger and better place in just over three weeks, and I'll be able to once again say, "Bring on the kiddos!" when my agency calls about a placement.  Along with the big move and the fact that I continue to have Monkey four days a week also comes some decisions.  I find myself re-evaluating my age range when it comes to foster care, and I'd love to hear from all of you!

I've only ever fostered infants/toddlers and one teen.  With summer coming up, part of me is thinking that a preschool or young elementary school age child might be a great fit for our family right now, but I just don't know.  Babies are easy when it comes to their emotional needs and behaviors.  I've never parented an older child from a hard place before.

So my questions to all of you (if you will pretty please humor me) are:

"What has been your favorite age to foster and why?"

...and...

"What has been your most challenging age to foster and why?"

I'd really love to hear your input!!!

"Foster Friday" Q & A - Through the Eyes of 1st Graders

When a person or couple makes the decision to become foster parents, that decision affects the entire family.  Biological children, extended family, grandparents, etc. are all brought into the emotionally exhausting world of foster care whether they want to be there or not.  I have been extremely fortunate that my family fully supports my decision to foster, and they have embraced each of my children as their own throughout this journey.

My niece and nephew were only three years old when I made the decision to foster, and they have been a huge part of my kids' lives.  At seven years old now, Buddy and Ka-Diva have spent half of their lives as "foster cousins."  I've never really sat down and talked to the kids at length about foster care or their thoughts and opinions on the subject, so I thought for our first "Foster Friday" Q&A I would "interview" the twins.  What I learned in that hour and a half long conversation just confirmed what I already knew about these kids.  They have huge hearts, caring spirits, and deep thoughts.  They also surprised me with some of their responses and made me rethink my own stand on certain subjects!  I hope you gain a little something from reading about foster care "Through the Eyes of 1st Graders."

When the twins learned that I was going to "interview" them, they were excited and a little nervous.  Christy and I assured them that there were no "right" or "wrong" answers and that I just wanted to know their opinions on things.  I started the interview by explaining what I was doing, and who I was doing it for.  I told them what a blog was, and I explained that people read my blog to learn about foster care.  I told them that many of my readers have kids of their own, and would love to know what other kids in foster families think about foster care and how they feel about it.  Buddy's response...  "Oh, we will be such a blessing to them!"  I know you will, kiddo!  :-)

The interview went a little something like this:

"Can you guys tell me what foster care is?"  (Ka-Diva approached the interview as she would the classroom, shooting her hand up in the air every time she wanted to answer a question.)

KD - "It's when moms and dads can't take good care of their babies, so we take care of them until they can."
Buddy - "Hey!  That was my answer!"

"So what do I do as a foster mom?"

Buddy - "You take care of them and do everything that a Mom does."

(The kids then proceeded to list every menial task and "Mom thing" they could think of...  ex. change diapers, feed them, hug them, kiss them, give them baths, wipe their nose, clip their fingernails, read to them, teach them things, etc.)

"Do you like being foster cousins?"  (Resounding "YES!!!")

"What is the very best thing about being a foster cousin?"

KD - "When we get to meet them!"
Buddy - "We get to help take care of cute babies and talk to them and play with them and help them when they need help."


"What is the hardest part about being a foster cousin?"

KD - "Diapers."  (always the practical one...)
Buddy - "Well, they seem like they're our family.  Then they have to leave and we don't get to see them, and they're not our family anymore.  We still have good memories, but I miss them a lot."
KD - "Yeah..."


"I think that's the hardest thing for me too."
"Do you think it's easier to talk about them, or not talk about them after they leave?"

KD - "Not talk about them..."  (Ka-Diva is kind of like her Aunt Tammy in that way.)
Buddy - "Talk about them, but I cry sometimes when I think about them...  I'm tearing up right now!"  (And he was!)


"It's okay to cry when we miss someone.  What are some good ways that we can remember them after they leave?"

KD - "Look at pictures."
Buddy - "Tell stories and good memories...  And look at their names on the wall!"  (When I decorated the nursery, Buddy had a great idea to put all of my kids' names on the wall so we could see the names and remember them.  To this day, they read the names on the wall every time they go in there, and usually tell a memory of each child.)


"Do any of my foster kids still feel like family even though they don't live here anymore?"
In unison - "Booger Bear!!!"
Buddy - "Is Booger our family?"

"Well, we get to see him all the time.  He comes to all of our birthday parties.  He came to Easter at Nana Nancy's.  Who all was at Nana Nancy's?"

KD - "Just family."

"Well then I guess Booger's definitely our family, huh?"

(Huge smiles and nods from both of them... :-)
Buddy - "And Monkey too!"



"You know, speaking of Monkey, I have a serious question for you guys...  Was it confusing for you when you heard Monkey call me 'Mama' instead of 'Mimi'?"  (I have always been "Mimi" before, never "Mama" until Monkey.)

KD - "Maybe a little..."


"Why is it confusing?"

Buddy - "Well, because your his foster mama.  Not his real mama...  It's not really confusing for us, but it might be confusing for Monkey."
KD - "Yeah...  He doesn't know you're not really his mama."
Buddy - "Yeah...  If he thinks you're his mama, he might be confused when he goes home and you're not there."
KD - "He's gonna think his mama left him."

(Wow!  All this time, I thought they were confused about it.  I had no idea they were more concerned that Monkey was going to be confused!)


"You know, I think you guys might be right about that.  I had never thought of it that way!  That's pretty smart!  So do you think I should just keep being "Mimi" with my new foster kids?"

KD - "Yes."
Buddy - "So you don't confuse them."


"But what happens if I get to adopt one of them, and they've always called me "Mimi?"

Buddy - "Well, then they can start calling you "Mama."  (like, duh!)


"Good plan.  I'll do that next time for sure."
"So I have another question that I've never asked you before...  I've only fostered babies and Angel, but if you could pick any age at all for me to foster, what would you pick?"

KD - "Teenagers!"

(That shocked me!)

"Teenagers?!?  Why is that?"

KD (practically rolling her eyes at me for asking a question with such an obvious answer) - "Because they can talk and have a conversation."
Buddy - "I want babies.  Just babies.  Or Booger's age..."
KD - "Yeah, babies or Booger's age or teenagers..."


"So Buddy, you want to be the oldest, and Ka-Diva, you want babies or teenagers...  So you wouldn't want anyone your own age?"

Both - "No."  (Guess that answered that!  I'm thinking we've got a couple of 7-year-olds who don't want competition. :-)


"Do you guys like it better when I have foster babies, or when I don't have foster babies?"

KD - "Kind of both sometimes...  When you don't have them, we get to go swimming and stuff more and don't have to worry about crying babies."  (Ka-Diva loves her Aunt Tammy, and gets a little jealous when she has to share me sometimes.)
Buddy - "I like when you have babies."

"Why is that?"

Buddy - "Because babies are cute, and I love to help them and take care of them.  And babies just love me!"  (A fact that no one will argue.  Babies flock to Buddy!)


"So if you guys were going to give advice to other kids in foster familes, what would you tell them?"

KD - "I'd say don't be mean.  I'd tell them to be nice and take care of them."
Buddy - "Yeah...  I'd say help them all the time."  (Buddy then went on a five minute "example" spree listing all sorts of random scenarios in which one might be able to help a foster child.  Ex. Reaching things that are too high, getting them out from under furniture if they get stuck, opening the art supply drawer for them, etc. :-)
KD - (Not wanting to be outdone, but always the "Little Mama") "Feed them, change their diaper, rock them to sleep..."


"Would you want to be a foster parent when you grow up?"  (Their answers were completely opposite from what I was anticipating...)

KD - "YES!  It's a nice thing to do!"
Buddy - "I don't think so...  It would be too hard.  I wouldn't want to let them go."


"So if a grown-up who had kids asked you whether or not you thought they should be a foster family, what would you tell them?"  (Again, their answers were completely different than I thought they would be!)

Buddy - "Oh, I'd say 'DO IT!"  It's GREAT!!!"  (This from the boy who had just said it was too hard...)
KD - "Don't do it.  You're kids might be jealous.  Wait until they're grown."  (This from the girl who just said that she would absolutely be a foster parent when she grows up...  She must only plan to foster before or after she has kids. :-)


"Is there anything else you want to add before we finish up?"

KD - "Nope."  (Well, okay then... ;-)
Buddy - "Yes.  I just want to say that I have a lot more confidence now."

(Thinking that he was just throwing a big word out there for the heck of it, I asked) - "You have more confidence?  How so?"

Buddy -  "Well, now that we've had so many babies, I really know how to take good care of them.  I have a lot more confidence."

"That's true, Buddy!  You have definitely learned how to take good care of babies!"

"Thank you, guys for answering all of these questions for me!  I know my readers are going to love your answers.  I think it will be a big help."

Buddy - "Oh, I'm sure it will!"  ;-)


And there you have it...  Foster care through the eyes of a couple of 1st graders...  I think I'll interview them again in a couple of years and see how their answers change as time goes on.   They definitely surprised me this time, and made me reconsider a few things.  I'm so proud of these kids!  :-)

Passing the Time...

1. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?
It's sweet! It's nice to feel loved without being groped all the time.

2. A big poofy dress or a short party dress?
Good grief, I'm poofy enough without adding to it with the dress!!!

3. What would you do if you received a long love letter?
Well, I supposed I would read it. DUH!

4. Group dates or single dates?
At this point, ANY DATE would be lovely!

5. Do you hate it when guys act different around their friends?
I don't care how he acts if I'm not there... As long as he's not messing with other girls and I don't have to come bail his butt out of jail, he can act as stupid as he wants with his friends.

6. Are diamonds a girl's best friend?
They're nice and all, but I'll marry the man who proposes to me with a variety pack of mulit-color, free-flow ink highlighters!

7. Is your hair up or down today?
Up right now... Down during the day...

8. Do you straighten your hair?
Usually curl it... I only straighten it when it's short.

9. Favorite mascara?
Clear! I'm allergic to that other stuff, so it just smears from my eyes watering.

10. Do you get your nails done?
I am NOT paying $35 to get my nails done when I can buy Diet Coke or go to Girls' Night instead! One has to have priorities, you know...

11. Small or large purses?
One with lots of compartments... I have to be organized. The OCD in me...

12. In your purse, what are your must haves?
Cell phone, glasses, debit card, ID, lip gloss, and anti-crazy meds...

13. Jeans or sweats?
Jeans in public... Yoga pants around the house or to paint in... Sweat bottoms are just WRONG!

14. Do you wear clothes/shoes/jewelry that's uncomfortable?
It is painful to be this stinkin' hot, you know... (OMG! I almost managed to type that without bursting into laughter!)

15. Do you text message a lot?
I'm usually right around my 200 a month allotment.

16. What would you do if you got pregnant?
SUE THE FREAKIN' HECK OUT OF MY OBGYN!!! I had a hysterectomy three years ago! (Although I'd probably be thrilled silly and then sell my story to the trash mags. "Woman With No Uterus Has Bouncing Baby Boy!")

17. What's your favorite color?
Crayola Crayon Midnight Blue (It HAS to be that brand too!)

18. Heels or flats?
Chunky heels or wedges

19. Did you ever cry during a romantic movie?
Of course! I DO have feelings you know!

20. Would you ever leave the house without make-up on?
Depends on where I'm going, but I don't really have a problem with it either way.

21. Walmart or Target?
I have to go to BOTH because neither one carries ALL of what I need to buy!

22. Do you wear collared shirts?
Occassionally

23. Do you like preppy boys?
Depends... I'd like to find a guy who can easily convert back and forth from preppy to tough cowboy to scruffy biker guy. That's HOT AS HELL!!!

24. Do you think lip gloss is the best!?
Um, no. I can think of all sorts of other things that top lip gloss on my list of "best things." World peace, an end to homelessness, my electric stapler with rechargable batteries...

25. Do you own any big sunglasses?
no

26. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
27 minutes exactly

27. Do you like to wear band-aids?
Am I bleeding?

28. Do you like skater boys?
Skater? No. Biker? Yes.

29. Do you often wish there was something you could change?
Well, I sure as heck wish that OTHER PEOPLE would change the darn toilet paper rolls once in a while! There is NOTHING more irritating than walking into a bathroom with three mostly-used rolls of toilet paper sitting on the back of the toilet and a COMPLETELY EMPTY ROLL on the holder!!!

30. Gold or silver?
Definitely silver

31. Do you like to receive flowers?
I love flowers. I would love to RECEIVE flowers. However, no one ever gets them for me unless I'm having body parts removed.

32. Do you like surfer boys?
Depends on if he can do the whole rough and tough thing too. And if he says things like "DUDE!" and "NARLY!" it would be a total NO!

33. Do you dress up for the holidays?
Depends on the occassion.

34. Do you like to wear dresses?
Not if it means wearing nylons. Those things are EVIL!!!

35. On a scale of 1-10 how much do guys confuse you?
Not much... I think I confuse them more.

36. In the last 48 hours have you hung out with a guy?
Only my adorable nephew

37. Would you date a guy shorter than you?
No... I'm only 5'2"! Besides, I don't want to have to feel like I have to protect him!

38. Do you like to hold hands?
Of course

39. What is the youngest you would date?
It would depend on how mature he is. I'd prefer he have a real job and not live with his parents.

40. What is the oldest you would date?
see 39.

41. What do you notice when you first meet a guy?
His eyes and smile (teeth)

42. Is it hot when guys sweat?
It is if I don't have to touch them or smell them.  And I'm sure it probably is hot if he's sweating.

43. What is the best feature in a guy?
His smile and personality

44. Do you like making eye contact?
I'm a flirt, so I love the eye thing.

46. Would you kill for chocolate?
No. Killing is bad.

47. Did you ever spend all day/night getting pretty for a guy?
Hell no! I'll spend a few hours getting pretty for ME, and if a guy likes it, that's just an added bonus.

48. On a scale from 1-10 how fun is shopping?
Do I have money?

49. Do you freak out if you miss your favorite show?
I don't miss my shows. I have a DVR! I salute YOU, Mr. DVR Invention Guy! You are a REAL MAN OF GENIOUS.

50. Do you yell a lot?
No. I tend to get very quiet when I'm pissed off. I yell at hockey games though. I LOVE HOCKEY!!!

51. Do you wear sweatpants/pajamas to school/work?
My @ss would be fired.

52. Have you ever dressed unlike yourself to impress a guy?
Nope

53. Do you write a lot of mushy love poems?
Ewww... No. But I do write a lot. Stories, poetry, etc.

54. What makeup could you not live w/out?
I love my lipstick and all, but I'm sure I would continue living without it.

55. Do you fall in love easily?
Nope. So if I say "I love you," you can know I definitely mean it.

56. Do you have cramps?
Not any more, THANK GOD (and my OBGYN!!!)

57. Do you think you have the bestest friend ever?
I have a few of the "bestest friends ever." I'm a very, very lucky girl!