When I turned 35 a couple of years back, I began to notice a distinct shift in my ads on F@cebook. What were previously links to exotic travel locales and fantastic shopping locations changed to ads for AARP and weight loss medication seemingly overnight. Call me crazy, but I thought that I had at least a few good years left before I neared retirement!
Within a week, I had received scores of ads which would give even the most secure, self-assured individual a complex:
"For Women Over 35 with Stubborn Belly Fat"
"For Middle-Aged Chunky Women Looking for Love"
"Vitamin Supplements for Women Over 35"
Ads for that special yogurt that "regulates your digestive system" - WITH A COUPON!
Products for the "Mature Woman Over 35"
"Middle-Aged and STILL Single?"
Ads for life insurance and discounts for creating and/or updating your will
My personal favorite was the stalking of the underarm hair laser removal ad. It followed me for days, popping up on every page. Just what exactly were they trying to say?!? I was pretty sure I was offended. After having a nightmare that I had the underarm hair of a Sasquatch one night, I sent out a desperate plea to Mr. F@cebook Ad Man.
"Okay, Mister! You need to STOP IT! Yes, I am 35. My life is not over! No, I can not braid my armpit hair! Yes, I am 'still' single. No, I am not 'desperately looking for love.' Yes, I 'have stubborn belly fat,' but I've had that for the past 20 something years. Where were you then, Mr. F@cebook Ad Man?!? Where were you then?!? If I get one more ad for 'middle-aged chunky girls looking for love' you and I are gonna have words. And not nice words at that!"
I knew that my desperate pleas must have been heard because the next time I logged onto my computer, the offending ads had been replaced by an advertisement for pole dancing classes! Now that's what I'm talking about!!! This "chunky middle-aged girl's" still got it! I can totally get down with some pole dancing classes! So I click on the ad...
"This Month's Special - Discounted Classes for Women Over 35!!!"
I totally haven't forgotten about you guys! I promise! :-)
I'm in the new place, and I absolutely love it! Unfortunately, the cable company couldn't quite get my Internet hooked up correctly, so I don't have access at home until this Friday when they send out a more knowledgeable service tech . :-( I will totally update the blog this weekend though! I have a few weeks of "Foster Fridays," a guest post for Attempting Agape, and a few other posts in the works. In the meantime, I leave you with this:
My daughter has RUINED ME!!!
I could have gone my entire life knowing absolutely nothing
Ever since I started blogging, I've had people come up to me with topics or their own ideas about what I should write about. I'll get random emails from people with photos attached saying something along the lines of "What do you think of this?!?" That's actually how my first "That is SO WRONG!" post came into being. A co-worker sent me a photo of high-heeled swimming flippers, and I felt the need to share. I'll be talking to my BFFs about something and they will say, "You need blog about that!" Or, like this evening, I will receive a random text from someone giving me my next blog post assignment.
From my BFF - "Blog idea... PajamaJeans. Saw them on TV. I won't lie... I would like a pair! :-) lol, seriously! Check it out! :-)"
So, of course, I did.
I have to say, what I thought was going to be another "That is SO WRONG!" post is kind of turning into a "They Might Be Onto Something Here" post. I mean, seriously! Who doesn't want a pair of pants that have "the styling of your favorite jeans together with the comfort of pajamas?!?"
"PajamaJeans are so comfortable, you'll want to sleep in them!" (I freaking love to sleep! And there's nothing more irritating than coming home from a long day of running errands in real jeans, only to have to change into pajama bottoms before taking a nap. By all means, save me those thirty seconds!!!)
"Just because you're busy, doesn't mean you can't look sharp." (So true! I can ROCK those PajamaJeans! Just you wait and see!)
"The secret is in the DormiSoft fabric." (Seriously, people! It's cotton and spandex!!! Does it get any better than that?!?)
"High contrast top stitching. Back pocket design details. Even brass rivets, so they look like they were made by some European designer!" (I have to admit, this statement worries me a bit. They "look like" they were made by "some European designer." I think I'd feel a little more comfortable if the actual designer stepped forward to claim their work, but then again, I don't know... They do have brass rivets, people! Them's "fancy" jeans!)
"Available in 8 sizes including extra small and plus sizes!" (Awesomeness! Because definitely, if it can fit an extra small super model chick it is totally going to fit me too! They are made out of DormiSoft fabric, remember?)
"Run a few errands in sweats, and they start to wrinkle and sag." (This, I would not know. I am a firm believer that sweat pants were not made for short, chunky chicks. I actually don't believe that sweat pants were made for anyone for that matter. But I'm sure if I were a skinny girl, and I actually owned a pair of sweat pants, I'd probably hate it when they wrinkled and sagged. Then again, if I were a skinny girl, I would totally dress like a high-priced call girl and wouldn't have a need for PajamaJeans at all!)
"For the first time, you can get PajamaJeans with DormiSoft for just $39.95!" (Wait a minute! You expect me to pay $40 for a pair of pajama bottoms?!? Albeit, pajama bottoms that "look like" they were made by some European designer... They are still pajama bottoms.)
"If you order now, you get this 100% brushed cotton t-shirt absolutely free!" (Oh, well... I suppose if I'm getting a free t-shirt... I love me some free stuff! And you know this little t-shirt is gonna look great on my chunky bod!)
So... I haven't yet made the final decision on whether or not to take the PajamaJeans plunge, but if you see me "looking put together all day long" in some soft-looking jeans with high contrast top stitching and rivets, and rubbing my legs like the girl in the commercial, you'll know I caved (but I think I'll let Katie buy them first. :-)
Um... So, yeah... I just had to share this because for once in my life, I am completely at a loss for words.
Okay, that might be a slight exaggeration. Believe me. I have words. I have LOTS of words about this one! But first, I need to attempt to clear the frightening image of what you are about to see from my brain, wipe the "laughing tears" from my eyes, catch my breath, and locate the words that will accurately describe my feelings about the following:
(I apologize in advance if you feel slightly violated and embarrassed upon viewing this. I know I sure did!)
Direct from last night's episode of "The Sing-Off..." The all male group, On the Rocks, performing Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me."
Don't get me wrong... These guys can sing! They are definitely talented (hence their status of being one of the top six groups on this show). My discomfort stems from their attempt at "choreography." If I had just closed my eyes and listened to their performance I don't think I would have been scarred for life as I am now.
My initial reaction when the song first started was, "Wow! That sounds real!" Then the lead guy came out and started doing his "sexy walk." I quickly realized that this guy is more feminine than I am, and I got a little worried. As the song progressed, I realized that most of these guys are more feminine that I am, and all I could think was, "Really? Are they serious?"
About halfway through the performance, the guys really start to get into it. All of the body rolls and stuff... And when the entire group got together and did that whole "spanking" thing... I sat there, completely dumbfounded, mouth agape, and for once... Speechless. Then, they all got down on the ground and slithered forward... "Oh, sweet Little Baby Jesus, tell me I did not just see that!" And Lead Guy did that whole "reverse humping" thing...
"NO!!! NO!!! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!! PLEASE MAKE THE BAD MAN STOP!!!"
From that point on, I was laughing so hard that tears were pouring down my face. "One lump or two? (in soprano harmony, no less!)" The literal "pouring of the sugar" move... More "spanking..." Hands caressing the lead guy... Lead guy caressing himself... I was dying!!! I was absolutely dying in hysterical laughter (and at the same time, wanting to poke my own eyeballs out with hot pokers and curl into the fetal position and cry for my Mommy to make it stop).
All I can say is that I am so unbelievably glad that I wasn't a judge on that show last night. Although, I must admit, they handled it very well with comments like, "That was sweet alright! I really liked the choreography." "You had some rather 'artistic' moments in there." "You just can't help but smile when you watch that." (You're not kidding! ;-) Yep... Very proud of those judges! It took me a good 10 minutes to compose myself after that performance, so I doubt my "What the &$^# was that?!?" that I would have stumbled out between chuckles and blotting my eyes would have gone over very well. :-)
As one of the judges said, "I really wish you would have owned it just a little more. This is one of those songs where there's no turning back." I'm not entirely certain that's correct though... because I keep going back to it over and over again... mostly in my nightmares as I see Lead Guy doing that reverse humping thing in the middle of the stage... That was SO WRONG!!!
