AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! FREAKING OUT!!! FREAKING OUT!!! PANIC ATTACK!!! PANIC ATTACK!!! HEART RACING!!! CAN'T BREATHE!!! SHAKING!!! AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!
Thank you. I feel better now.
I did it. After 10 months of putting it off (well, more like 15 years), I just got up the nerve and called the shrink. It took about 30 minutes of pacing and three or four attempts at dialing the number, but I actually did it! Those people don't give you a chance to back out either! They picked up BEFORE the first ring, and scheduled my appointment for first thing tomorrow morning. YIKES! I was thinking I'd have a week or so to psych myself up for it! Now I'm having a freaking panic attack!!!
I almost didn't call because I've been on a pretty good high the past few days. I'm feeling GOOD! I want to go back to school! I want to get more tats, dress like a hoochie-mama and dance on bars (just ask Michele and Sasha... I expressed my desire to do just that on Saturday!). Just this morning I had a sudden urge to ask Jake to take me to the shooting range and teach me how to shoot! Where the heck did THAT come from?!? Sure, I'd been watching Law & Order: SVU, but why would that give me the sudden urge to want to shoot at things?!?
Then I got an email from my mom this afternoon telling me all about a relative's latest "freak out" (we don't get this mental stuff from any stranger, that's for sure), and I realized that I was going a little loony myself. Table-dancing and dressing like a streetwalker are NOT "normal, sane" things for me to want to do. So I got up the nerve, and called. And NOW, I actually have to go!
So yes. I am FREAKING OUT!!! But hopefully the psychiatrist can figure out once and for all why I'm having these ridiculous mood swings and doing some seriously stupid things. Let's hope I don't back out of my appointment. Wish me luck. ...and wish the shrink luck. ...and I wish all of you luck! You're gonna need it having to deal with me.
Thank you for all of the support and encouragement. I definitely appreciate it!