So I have a question to all of you seasoned foster parents out there... Is it ever okay for a foster parent to say, "Enough is enough!!! Something's got to give, and it's not gonna be us!!!"?
You see, I've had the Booger Bear since May and Angel since June. Although they are mother and son, because they came into care at different times, it's opened up a whole new can of worms as far as people involved in their case(s) and the number of monthly appointments that we have and strange people coming into our home. On any given day, we have AT LEAST two CPS-related appointments (ex. therapy, medication monitoring, visitations, parenting classes, training classes, home visits with case workers, CASAs for each child, attorneys, court dates, etc.). We try to cram in all of the mandatory doctor and dental visits as well as our routine visits that we would have regardless of CPS on the two days a week that we don't have standing appointments. My 13-month-old has his own dayplanner, for crying out loud!!! AND IT'S FULL!!!
It's bad enough that these kids are living in foster care. Why on earth does the system make it WORSE by forcing them to have no life outside of CPS?!? One case worker even had the nerve to ask why Angel isn't involved in any extra-curricular activities! Another asked when she was going to start job-hunting! SERIOUSLY!??! I asked them when, exactly, they proposed we schedule something seeing as how Angel has appointments EVERY FREAKING DAY for those people! You expect her to WORK too?!? You're all freaking crazy.
As you can tell, I'm a wee bit fed up. I put my foot down as far as scheduling things during the school day. Angel IS NOT missing school unless absolutely necessary for her HEALTH. PERIOD. Fortunately, she has a fairly short school day, so we have been able to schedule things later in the afternoon. UNfortunately, I am a single parent trying to work full-time, and having to take off work constantly is going to get really old for my boss and co-workers. I try to make everyone schedule evening visits, but it doesn't usually work out that way. The CASAs have been great about coming in the evenings, and luckily we have case aids who are able to transport the kids to and from their weekly visitations. Everyone else though, is making it rather difficult.
At what point (if ever) is it okay for me to say, "No, I CAN'T take off work to do a home visit at 2:00!" or "I'm sorry, but Angel is going to take gymnastics and her classes are every Tuesday and Thursday evening from 5:30-7. We're busy. You can come at 7:30 or on Friday night at 6."? Can I ask a therapist who can't work around our schedule for a referral to another therapist who CAN, or do we just have to suck it up, miss work, and potentially get fired all because she was "really busy this month."? I'LL SHOW YOU "REALLY BUSY" LADY!!!"
I think I need better meds, or maybe MY OWN therapist. But I don't DARE schedule an appointment for MYSELF! I'd end up having to miss it anyway due to a surprise visit from a case worker or a last minute mandatory training session. Fun times! How on earth do people do this with FIVE foster kids?!? It's definitely a full-time job and seems to require a lot more patience than I have at the moment. Fortunately, I'm a wee bit OCD and an organizational freak, so I'm getting a pretty good system going as far as all of the paperwork goes. UGH!
HELP!!!
6 comments:
You absolutely have the right to put your foot down and say enough is enough. They should NOT expect you to miss work to accomodate their schedules every week. Nope! And they definitely should not be pulling her out of school for anything other than required court hearings or health issues. Period. What the hell are they trying to do? Burn you out as soon as possible? That's ridiculous! I put my foot down early on and let them know that I would only be available to transport the kids on X day and X day. Any other time, they needed to arrange transportation. If they needed to come to MY house then they needed to work around MY schedule. Period. Sigh...
Thank you, Snarky Mom!!! My poor daughter and her kiddos are worn out and sick most of the time due to the schedules that they are forced to keep. Tammy even had strep, swine flu, and pneumonia last week and was forced to go to work and keep up with the kids' appointments that could have been postponed. There was also a CPS inspection that they had to prepare for that they wouldn't reschedule even though Tammy could hardly get out of bed! It is no wonder that foster parents burn out!
I agree with Snarky Mom...We tell people who call and want to come to our house that we are only available at certain times on certain days. If somebody (CASA, case worker) is already coming to our house, we tell anybody else who wants to come that week that they will have to come that same day and we tell them what times are available. If caseworkers want to arrange appointments without consulting us, they need to arrange transportation. The therapist should be telling you what time she is available and letting you pick a time out of her availability...I would put off making the next appointment until there is a good time available...it might be a few weeks and then ask for that to be your standing appointment. If the therapist really has no availability that works for you and your children, then ask for a referral to someone with more flexibility. No appointments during school...unless she is sick. No appointments during nap time for little kids ( you would be surprised at how many caseworkers have a problem with that and it makes me want to ask them if they want to deal with my child that has missed a nap for the rest of the day). My partner and I do not miss work unless for a sick child or a court day that we absolutely have to be at. (People will die of shock...but foster parents do not necessarily have to be at every court date...unless the judge routinely asks them questions...but here that does not happen...the caseworker goes to court and lets us know what happens...never had a problem with this). Unless there has been an allegation against you, there should be no reason that CPS has to come when you are sick ...they can reschedule. What do foster parents do with their kids when there is emergency mandatory trainings? That does not exist here...our trainings are scheduled far ahead of time....
I know that when you are first a foster parent, you tend to do everything that everybody wants....but then you learn to put your foot down and tell people how it is going to be. You are going to be no good to your kids or your foster parent agency if you are burned out.
Do you have a caseworker, homefinder, whatever assigned to you? Talk to that person. Their job is to advocate for you. If that does not work, talk to that person's supervisor.
Take care and good luck. Not many people are willing to take teenagers so you are a precious commodity. Have you checked out the forums on fosterparents.com yet?
I totally understand! I foster two children with full schedules of therapists, bst workers, psp workers, medical appointments, caseworker appointments, etc. It's insane. I finally did put my foot down for at least one day a week and will not BUDGE for anything!
Hi Tammy... new reader and fellow foster mom of an incredible 4 month old...
We schedule everything when we have time. Unfortunately, some things have to be done between the hours of 8-5. And we only have one foster child, so really we only have 1-3 visits that have to be done a month during that time.
I've already had the experience of work not understanding. And it soooo sucks, but what do you do? I need my job, but foster parenting is my calling... so work will have to understand or fire me!
Then I don't know what I would do! So I feel your pain!!
Hi, I found your blog through Snarky Mom. I agree completly with all of the above. Under NO circumstances should she be missing school or you missing work b/c they want to come for a visit. Simply tell them, "This is when we are available." If Angel wants to take on an extra cirricular, let her. They will have to work around it. Let the child be a child for god's sake CPS. Ughhh, this gets me mad. Look forward to following you now! :)
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