Sunday, January 17, 2010

Help! My Underwear Have Fallen, and I Can't Get Dressed!!!

Yes... Those exact words rang out from my fingertips in a desperate text message to my mother the other day. After taking a shower, I psyched myself up to get dressed, only to discover that my underwear had fallen off of the back of my wheelchair into the hallway and were completely inaccessible to me (the Naked Gimp). I covered myself the best I could for modesty's (well, my mother's) sake and endured her not-so-muffled snickering as she came in to save me.

This was only the first of many unusual, awkward, and embarrassing moments that I've endured since I ever-so-gracefully fell on the ice, screwed up my leg, and became temporarily wheelchair-bound. Over the past nine days, I have managed to do quite a few things that I never thought I'd have to fess up to. Although I have to admit, dropping my underwear and having to send out a plea for help via test message was probably the most mortifying. At least my mom was here, and I didn't have to send out a broadcast message to all of my friends and family. Now that would have been awkward! So what have I managed to do to embarrass myself?

Just last night, I ran over my own toe with my own wheelchair! For real. Fortunately (I think) it was on my good foot, but come on! Who does that?!? After my cursing the bleeding stopped, I couldn't help but laugh. I mean, seriously! How often does a person get to say that they ran over their own foot with their own body? I'm a moron.

I have somehow managed to become entangled in the wheels of my wheelchair more times than I care to admit. I've been wearing lots of pajama bottoms this week. I've had a rather limited choice of attire seeing as how I've got a big old half-cast covering the bottom half of my leg, and the only bottoms that easily cover it are the wide-legged pajama bottoms. Super comfy, but dangerous! I've lost count of the number of times my pajama legs have gotten all tangled up in the front wheel of my wheelchair. I've actually had a couple of nervous moments when I thought I might have to take off the pants in order to escape! So far, it's only happened within the confines of my home. I am, however, slightly nervous about returning to work tomorrow.

I've also learned over the past week that my apartment is not exactly wheelchair-friendly. I've also learned that, while I'm really good at getting myself into certain locations, I'm not quite as adept at getting out of them. I've somehow managed to get wedged between doors, trapped under the kitchen cabinets, and stuck in the alcove in my bathroom. I'm determined not to ask for help if there is any conceivable way that I can get myself out of the predicament, so I balance on my good leg and try manuevering the front wheels or doing whatever else I have to do in order to get out of whatever mess I've managed to get myself into.

You know... Now that I think about it, I think my wheelchair might have it out for me. I mean, I know I've put on some weight, but come on!

If my wheelchair's attempts to humiliate me haven't been bad enough, my own stubbornness to remain as independent as possible has certainly had its own share of blows to my ego as well. Things as simple as getting dressed in the morning or getting up from the toilet have become entirely new. How, exactly, do you put on underwear and pants when you can't bend your leg? Well, I'll tell you. It's called "The Lasso Technique." (Ahhh... the mental pictures... I'll let you figure it out.) I do believe I'll join the rodeo when all of this is said and done. How do you stand up from a low toilet when you can only use one leg? It's not pretty. And I'm fairly certain I'm going to end up needing knee replacement surgery in my "good" leg after this one heals. "How did you injure your knee, Tammy?" "Going to the potty, Doctor."

And then we have my little emotional meltdowns. I haven't had too many, but there have been a few, and the things that come out of my mouth when I'm having them make me question my sanity. "Why can't I change his poopy diaper?!? I want to change the poopy diaper!!!" "I want to go to work!!!" "I hate not being able to do my own laundry!!!" "I just want to go upstairs and see if the catbox needs to be cleaned out!!!" Yep... I've lost my mind. I realize I'm not used to having any help around the house, but this is ridiculous. I should be enjoying every second of this! Instead, I'm in tears because my mom is changing all of the poopy diapers and taking out my trash. I think I may need my head examined as well as my leg!

I'm sure there will be many more akward and embarrassing moments in the coming weeks. And I'm sure I'll be forced to write about them. Might as well entertain the masses at my expense, right? :-) In the meantime... Have a great week!

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