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"That Awkward Moment When Your Children's Bio Moms are Jail Buddies..."

Yep!  I received that late night message from my unofficially "adopted" daughter, Heaven, a few months ago.  Turned out her mom and Bug's mom met in jail and became fast friends.  Neither one had any idea that they were connected in any way.  Poor Heaven made the connection as she was visiting her mom and had to play dumb until she had a chance to talk to me.  Our 2:00am conversation went a little something like this:

Heaven:  "So...  Really weird visit with my mom today...  Wanna guess who my mom's new friend is?  ...That awkward moment when your two kids' bio moms are jail buddies..."

Me:  "Shut up!  Are you serious?!?"

Heaven:  "Dead serious.  She told my mom all about Bug and how she's considering adoption for him.  My mom doesn't know you have her kid, but they bonded when she told his mom that her grandson (Booger) was in foster care as a baby and had a loving home, blah, blah, blah..."

Heaven made the connection as her mom told her the story about her friend's (then) 8-month-old son named (Bug's real name) in foster care and a few other things that helped her make the connection.  Heaven said that it sounded like Bug's mom was going to be incarcerated for a while because she was being transferred to the same jail that her mom was being transferred to (another reason they became fast friends).

Heaven:  "My mom told her that you were a great mom to Booger and that you are there for me because she can't be and a lot of nice things about you.  She's accepted that you're my mom too.  :-)"

That whole statement made me want to cry because I've always worried that Heaven's mom didn't like me at all.  It would be totally understandable for her to resent me because Heaven and I are so close.  The fact that she was saying such nice things about me when she had no idea that her daughter had a vested interest in what Bug's mom ultimately decided meant a lot.

After talking for over an hour, we came to the point of trying to decide how to handle our new-found knowledge.  Part of me wanted Bug's mom to know that the awesome woman that her new friend had been talking about was actually the woman raising her son too, but at the same time I was worried that the connection might look like I was trying to sway her in some way.  It wasn't as if we'd planned this though!  I mean, really!  It's not as though Heaven's mom deliberately got arrested and put into the same pod in the same huge jail for the sole purpose of convincing Bug's mom to voluntarily relinquish her rights so I could adopt him.  The chances of them becoming jail buddies was so ridiculously minuscule that no one could possibly accuse me of anything, right?

By 3:30am, we had decided that Heaven would go ahead and tell her mom what we suspected - that the baby we call "Bug," the little brother that Heaven talks about babysitting all the time and who Booger and Banana talk about seeing at Mimi's house, is actually (Bug's real name), her new friend's baby.  Heaven was going to see her mom that weekend, and was going to tell her.

At this point, Heaven got frustrated about the whole situation.  Heaven loves Bug something fierce, and having this new development come up five days before the permanency hearing put us all in a bad predicament.  Heaven was terrified of saying something that might get me in trouble, but at the same time we were so very anxious to see what might come of the friendship that was developing between her mom and Bug's bio mom.  We still couldn't believe that they had even met!  There are hundreds of women in the jail that they were in at the time.  What were the chances?!?

That's when the conversation turned to more specific things like what Bug's mom was charged with, things that she told Heaven's mom about her past, how she felt about Bug, her feelings about her mother intervening for custody, her thoughts about adoption, etc.  Heaven's mom told her that she had a soft spot for Bug's mom because she was so sad and that no one ever came to see her.  I learned more secondhand from Heaven's mom than I had in the previous six months from anyone in CPS!  A lot of what I learned made me feel sorry for her.  My family and friends always tell me that I have a soft spot for bio moms, and they're usually right.  Heck!  I brought one home with me early on (Booger's bio mom ended up living with me as a foster placement for seven months)!  The more I learned about Bug's birth mom, the more I wanted to at least talk to her and tell her about the son that she had abandoned (although I certainly wouldn't use that exact word) and let her know that he is loved.

We finally said goodnight, and the next morning I immediately sent Nice Lady a message asking her to call me when she had a few minutes because I had an interesting predicament that I wanted to talk to her about.  She called me right away, and started laughing as soon as I told her that Heaven's mom was in "such and such jail" because she knew immediately what I was going to say.  We talked it through, and she talked to our agency director just to get his input, but the general consensus was that nothing bad could come from Bug's birth mom finding out that I'm his foster mom.  I had the "okay" from my agency, so the plan was in place!  Heaven was telling her mom!

That Sunday, Heaven went to visit her mom and told her what we had figured out.  Her mom ended up sneaking Bug's mom into the visiting area and Heaven held a recent picture of Bug up to the window so she could see him for the first time in six months.  When she saw his photograph, she yelled "Oh my God, that's really my son!" and she fell to the floor and sobbed.  Heaven's mom told her that he was very loved, and his mom had to leave right after that.  The whole thing broke my heart (you know...  that soft heart that I have for birth parents...)  As messed up as so many of these parents are, most of them truly do love their kids.  Some of them just can't seem to heal (like Monkey's mom, Bug's mom, and Heaven's mom for that matter).  It doesn't mean they're bad people.  They just can't raise their children in the way that their children deserve.

Heaven and I tentatively made plans to go up to the jail to visit both moms the following Wednesday morning.  I wasn't about to bring Bug with me.  I really wanted to avoid bringing my baby to jail if at all possible.  Heck.  I had hoped to avoid ME going to jail, but in this case I thought that Bug's bio mom needed to be able to talk to the person who was raising her son, and going up there before she was transferred to the other jail five hours away was probably the only way that was going to happen.  I knew I needed to let Bug's caseworker know what was going on first though.  I had no intention of doing anything that might jeopardize Bug's potential adoption.

The conversation that Heaven and I had while planning the potential visit was hilarious.  I was asking tons of questions about how the jail visit thing works, and Heaven was all worried about me being nervous meeting Bug's bio mom asking me "What do you say???  Hi.  I'm the person raising your son because you can't???"  I laughed and told her that I have had this conversation several times before (just not in jail), and that I probably wouldn't be using those exact words.  ;-)

I had to keep reminding myself that this was the same woman who never once asked to see Bug in the past six months that he was with me.  I had to keep reminding myself that I could have compassion for her because it was the right thing to do, but that didn't mean that I had to put her feelings before my son.  If I went to visit her, it would ultimately be for Bug.  Not for her.  It would be so I could tell Bug in the future that I met his birth mom and give him whatever information I could about her.  It would be so I could tell Bug that I had told his birth mom what an awesome son she had.  It would be so Bug could see me (his Mom) showing compassion to someone who needed it and hoping that he would do the same in the future.

As it turned out, I didn't need to worry about any of it because Bug's caseworker was hesitant for me to go.  I think I completely confused the poor woman when I tried to explain who was who and how everyone was connected.  She wasn't at all upset that we had made the connection, but she had the same initial concerns that I had when Heaven first told me about her mom's new friend - that it might be construed as me trying to pressure Bug's mom into voluntarily relinquishing.  In all honesty, I was relieved!  Court that day ended in setting a date for TPR (termination of parental rights), and things were looking very good when it came to Bug staying with me permanently regardless of what his birth mom wanted, so I'm guessing that visit wouldn't have gone too well.  ;-)

The next week I got another message from Heaven letting me know that she had talked to her mom again.  Apparently Bug's birth mom decided to tell Heaven's mom all sorts of things that you probably shouldn't be telling the mother of the young woman who loves your child like a fiercely protective older sibling.

... That awkward moment when your children's bio moms are jail buddies - and then the younger one  infuriates the older one to the point of screaming at her, so the younger one tells the guards that she's afraid the older one is going to hurt her, so they separate them and they never speak again ...

Apparently those jailhouse friendships don't last all that long.

Foster Care "Bucket List"

After nearly five years living in Foster/Adopt Land, I've come to the realization that I'm not going to be leaving anytime soon (even though there are some days when all I want to do is run screaming in the opposite direction).  Will I be a foster parent forever?  Probably not.  But foster care is where my heart is, and I know that I will continue to be heavily involved in this world for years to come.

Over the years, I've developed a sort of "bucket list" of things that I would love to do, become involved in, and accomplish when it comes to foster care so I thought I'd share it with all of you in "A-Z Thing" form (just to challenge myself ;-).  Some of these, I've already done, some I continue to do, some I am just beginning, and others I plan to do in the future!


Adopt a caseworker - I think all foster parents can agree that if/when we are lucky enough to find a good caseworker who clearly does their best for our kids, their families, and for us, we want to cut them a little bit of slack.  Caseworkers are overworked, underpaid, and generally unappreciated for the work they do.  I've worked with all kinds over the years, from bitter and angry and clearly hating their jobs to overworked but doing the best they can with limited resources.  When I find a caseworker who clearly wants to do their best for everyone involved, I want to help them out however I can.  I would love to be able to "adopt" a caseworker every year after I'm no longer fostering (that whole "conflict of interest" thing and all).  Find out what they need help with, offer to shop for their kids around birthdays and holidays, show up with office supplies, etc.

Become a CASA volunteer - Only three of my seven kiddos so far have been lucky enough to have a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) appointed to them.  A volunteer whose sole mission is to speak for an abused and neglected child to make sure they don't get lost in the System.  For many children, their CASA volunteer is the one constant during their time in care.  I definitely plan to volunteer in the future!

Clothing/supply swap for foster families - Over the past five years of fostering primarily infants, I have accumulated more baby gear, clothing, and other odds and ends than I know what to do with!  Now that I'm leaning more towards fostering PreK-1st grade next, I need to trade in the baby things for older child supplies and toys.  Wouldn't it be great to have a weekend where foster families could get together in one place and swap clothing, gear, toys, etc?

Donate supplies to foster agencies - Have you ever sat in a training class at your agency and watched a video on VHS released in 1980 three years in a row because your agency couldn't afford to purchase new material?  Have you had to bring your own pens and paper?  Does your agency case manger have to buy her own office supplies?  I love my agency, and love to show up with goodies whenever I have a chance.

Establish a foster/adopt ministry at my church - I know this would be a huge undertaking, but I truly believe that we as a church can do more.  Not everyone is called to foster or adopt, but I do believe that every person has the ability to help a hurting child and the families who have opened their hearts and their homes to the children who need them.  We can do more, and I think it just takes one person to step up and call others to action.

Fundraisers for deserving families - I'm a sucker for a worthy cause, and my heart is all about children.  If there is a way to help a family in need, I'm all for it!  I'd love to help organize fundraisers for families who need specialized vehicles for foster or adopted children with special needs or help families with legal expenses.  $20,000 for one family can seem like an insurmountable expense, but if everyone who cares about that family donated just $5, we can do our part to help a child in need.  And who doesn't like a good bake sale?!?  :-)

Go-to girl for a fostering family - When I get to the point where I need a foster parenting break, I would love to volunteer to be the "Go-to Girl" for another foster family.  I would be the person they could call to make that initial Walmart run for diapers and formula while they're getting the house ready for a new placement.  I could help out with babysitting their other children while they do all of the initial doctor and dental visits.  I could bring meals on stressful days, do their dishes, or just be there to lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on.  Being a foster family is a hard and often very lonely road.  I love that I have several people I can call on when I need the support, and I'd love to be able to be that person for another foster family!

Hospital sit for foster children - My first agency hired people to be part of a rotation of sitters who would go and sit with children in the hospital, talk to the doctors, fill out paperwork, etc.  The children have someone with them 24/7 while they are in the hospital, and it gives the foster parent (if they've already been placed) a little break.  I hate to think that a hurting child is sitting alone in the hospital waiting to be placed with a family or that their foster parent is exhausted and stressed out trying to be at the hospital as well as home with their other children.  If I could be a comforting presence for a child in a strange and scary place, why wouldn't I?

Inspire a family to foster or get involved in some way - Foster care has my heart.  While I have seen it at its worst, I have also seen it at its very best.  I have watched as a 12-month-old, sad, self-soothing little girl transformed into a trusting little girl full of smiles in a matter of weeks.  I have watched a young family grow into something great.  I have co-parented with a single father who just needed someone to help his raise his son.  My foster care journey has changed me in ways I never could have imagined, and I pray that my journey will inspire someone else to get involved.  Become a foster parent, become a CASA volunteer, help a fostering family, donate do a local agency...  It would be something special to know that my journey has inspired someone else to get involved with something that means so much to me.

Join some foster parent organizations - I can't believe I've been a foster parent for nearly five years, and still haven't joined a foster parent association or any other organization geared towards fostering families!  It's a great way to network and meet other families.

Keep an eye out for businesses and organizations offering discounts to fostering families and pass the information on to my foster mama friends.  Every little bit helps, and if you're like me and send your children home with complete wardrobes, toys, books, and supplies, restocking with every child can get expensive.

Lobby for positive changes in the foster care system - I know that foster care can work.  I have seen it first-hand more than once.  But I have also seen it fail miserably.  It is a broken system, and changes are most definitely needed.  If I don't stand up to fight for positive changes, who will?

Mail care packages to foster youth in college or the military - Teens and young adults aging out of care often have no one to look to for guidance or support.  They are sent out into the world with a small stipend and expected to make it on their own.  I'd love to ask the caseworkers who I'm close to if they know of any former foster youth who are trying to make lives for themselves and could use a little support and knowledge that someone out there is pulling for them.

Newsletter or online magazine for foster families - I'd love to put together a monthly newsletter or online magazine for fostering families.  Find authors experienced in handling the issues that are important to us, provide tips, have encouraging stories from foster families, etc.

Organize an annual foster/adopt mom's retreat and conference - This is my biggie, and is something that means a lot to me and a group of my closest foster mama BFFs.  There are retreats for moms.  There are retreats for adoptive moms.  There are retreats for Christian moms.  But we have yet to come across a large conference and retreat that is geared only to mothers who are fostering or who have adopted hurting children from hard places.  We're in the "how are we going to make this work" phase right now, and are tossing around ideas.  Hopefully in the next couple of years we will have our first go at it and grow from there!

Photograph foster children and their foster and/or biological families for their lifebooks - I love photographing every moment of my kiddos' time with me.  I want them to know that they were loved and happy while they were here, and I love capturing those moments on film (well, digital anyway ;-).  I'd love to be able to do that for other foster children and their families as well.  Photograph birthday parties or family outings...  Photograph children with their biological families during visits...  In some cases, these children won't ever have a photo of themselves with their biological families, so if I'd love to be able to give that to them.

Quit my job and foster full-time - Well, that's not going to happen, but a girl can dream!  I've always wanted a house full of kids and a crazy busy life.  Maybe I need to find myself a rich husband so I can be a stay-at-home mom!  :-)

Respite care for fostering families - I tend to do respite care when I'm between placements.  I know it's definitely needed!  For me, it's also a fun way to be involved with some great kids and be a part of foster care without having to deal with all of the stress, appointments, visits, caseworkers, etc.  You just get to be the nice lady with the fun house.  :-)

Send thank you cards and encouraging letters to foster families, caseworkers, volunteers, etc. - One thing that I have tried to do over the years has been to send encouraging letters, cards, emails, etc. to people I have met along the way in Foster/Adopt Land.  A "thank you" or an update to a CASA volunteer or caseworker letting them know they made a difference...  An encouraging word to a fellow foster parent going through a difficult time...  Several months ago, I sent Monkey's CASA an email update letting her know how our lives were going a year after he went home to his dad.  I thanked her for her part in making our unconventional little family a reality, and wanted to let her know that she made a difference.  I was shocked to find out from a friend going through training to become a CASA volunteer that Monkey's CASA read my letter during a training class!  I was so happy that I had taken the time to send it, and that it had meant so much to her.  A simple "thank you" or "you make a difference" goes such a long way when we need encouragement, and it only takes a few minutes to type an email or address an envelope.

Teach training classes - My agency is always asking me to teach a training class on documentation and organization telling me that they never worry about anything that I send them because they know it's right.  Flattery works, and I am awaiting further instructions on when I need to teach my class.  :-)  I've also offered to speak during PRIDE training for new foster parents.  I think one thing that was sorely missing from my initial training was practical advice from long-time foster parents, and I'd love to be able to provide that advice and support to new families now.

Unconventional family - It wasn't something I had planned, but the family that I have gained through foster care (though unconventional), is one that I wouldn't trade for anything.  If I had been able to adopt Booger Bear, I wouldn't have Heaven, Kelly, Kama, Banana, Monkey, or Bug!  And while I'm not a "legal" forever mom to any of my kids, I am a "forever" Mom, Mom-in-Law, Mimi, Mommy, Mama to all of them!  I can't imagine my life without my family, and I can't wait to see who we add to it over the years.  :-)

Volunteer at my agency - I love my agency, and as a fairly new agency, they are definitely in the "please help" stage.  I love to be able to help in any way I can, whether it's offering to file, helping Nice Lady with paperwork, offering to put together training materials, sharing information on area conferences or discounts, etc.

Write a book (or two...  or ten) - Book #1 is actually in the works as I type!  It's a (not-so) secret collaborative book written by myself and several other (somewhat) anonymous foster mama friends.  We are sooooo excited!  We are in the editing phase, and are hopeful to go to print (and Kindle) in the next month or two.

X-pand I Must Be Trippin's' content (yes, I cheated a bit on this letter) - I suppose before I add to the blog's content, I should make the time to sit down and write regularly again, huh?  Lol.  I post on the FB page at least once or twice a day, but sitting down and writing has been tough lately (especially while I'm working on the (not-so) secret book.  I'm trying to get better!

Yearly get-together with my favorite online foster mama friends - I think this should be on top of our annual foster mom retreat and conference.  I've been "friends" with some amazing women for the past five years, and meeting some of them in person this year was the best!  I want to start planning a yearly get-together with my foster mama BFFs so we can just sit and relax and laugh and cry and pray and act silly together before heading back to our crazy busy lives.

Zoo, picnic, or waterpark event for foster families during National Foster Care Month (May) - I know there are agencies and organizations out there that put together events during National Foster Care Month.  I just haven't really searched them out until now.  Next May, I'll be looking around and taking my kiddos out to enjoy some of them!  Maybe I'll be able to meet more amazing families in the process.  :-)


So that's it!  My Foster Care "Bucket List..."  I'm sure glad I've got some good years left in me because it looks like I'm going to be one busy woman!  Lol.  :-)  What about you?  What foster care-related things would you like to do?

8 Months Here & 10 1/2 Months Old

Bug and Kitty Cat Tommie
Buddies, Rivals, and Partners in Driving Mama to Drink

My little Bug has been with me for eight months today, and I know I haven't really blogged much in that time.  For some reason, I'm hesitant to write too much about him or his case.  Things have been different than all of my others from Day One, and it's really looking promising that Bug might be my first LEGAL "forever."  TPR hearing is September 17th, and if everything goes 100% smoothly and in our favor, I might...  Just might...  be able to adopt my little Bugmeister on National Adoption Day (November 23rd).  I'm not holding my breath seeing as how this is foster care and all, but I'm cautiously optimistic.

At 10 1/2 months old, Bug is outgrowing the "baby" stage and turning into a little "person."  :-)  He's my lazy Bug, just learning how to crawl this month!  Something has happened over the past two weeks though because he seems to have suddenly decided that he's a "big boy" and wants to crawl, stand, eat table food, feed himself, drink other people's drinks, play with Monkey's "big boy" toys, etc.

I wake up hearing him laughing to himself in his room every morning.

He loves playing Patty Cake and Peek-a-Boo, gives THE BEST bear hugs and slobbery kisses, thinks that the big kids (Monkey, Buddy, Ka-Diva, Pooper, Butterfly, Booger, and Banana) are just about the coolest people ever (other than his Sissy Heaven, that is...), has Nana and Papa totally wrapped around his little finger, and is 100% a true Mama's Boy.  :-)

He loves to swim in the big pool, go for walks in the stroller, ride the big kids' rocking horse, play "Hot Potato" with his favorite ball, and stand up with help.

We walk in the front door every evening, and Bug immediately looks for Kitty Cat Tommie.  He shouts, "Hi, Cat!!!" clear as day over and over as soon as he sees him.  Those two are inseparable!  Now that Bug is mobile, he can move at lightning turtle speed.  He sees the cat (who deliberately flicks his tail in front of the baby's face just to get his attention), and practically FLIES across the room to latch on and pull Kitty Cat Tommie like a pull toy by the tail.  Tommie then flips around and uses Bug's head like one of those boxing bag things.  I separate them.  They immediately start the process over again.

Tommie has also become a permanent fixture under the highchair waiting for whatever food Bug decides to throw his way.  Bug waits until I'm not looking and drops peas, carrots, cereal bars, etc. over the side to his buddy.

Bug has perfected several "faces" including the "Ornery Face," the "Pouty Face," the "Inquisitive Face," and the "I Don't Understand How You Could Possibly Be Upset, I'm Totally Innocent Face."  (and as soon as my little Buggy is officially adopted, I'll add photos of said faces for your viewing pleasure ;-)

He recognizes several words, and thinks he says them (although I'm fairly certain he's speaking "Baby Spanish" as Ka-Diva used to say).  Hi, bye-bye, cup, ball, Mama, patty cake, bath, night-night, bottle, cat, kiss, and icky (lol).

I am crazy, crazy, crazy about this little guy, and I can't wait for the day when I can introduce him (FULL FACE VIEW AND ALL) to the world!

34 days to TPR!!! 

(Not that I'm counting or anything...  Lol :-)

"Foster Friday" Panel - You Know You're a Foster Parent/Sibling When...

Over the past few years, I've compiled and collected lists of characteristics and similarities that most (if not all) foster parents possess.  (Part One, Part Two, Part Three)

My personal favorite has always been, "You know you're a foster parent when your heart is bigger than your brain!"

For this month's "Foster Friday," I asked our panel to add their own!

Dena (Momat40.com)

You Know You’re A Foster Parent When…

You have a rented storage unit that holds all of your spare clothes, outgrown baby furniture, extra carseats and strollers and toys.  Yes, every month I pay $40 for a storage unit to hold all of these things because I never know when I’m going to get a call for a new baby and if I do how long it might last.  My needs change so often that the only solution is to store everything.  I have a total of 5 carseats:  one infant, one convertible, one booster with 5-point restraint, one booster that fastens with a seatbelt, and one backless booster.  I have 3 strollers: one umbrella, one single, and one double and I’m currently looking to get another double or sit and stand.  As for clothes, I have girls and boys clothes from ages newborn to 4T and ages 7-12.  You might say that I’m going a little overboard, but as a foster parent you never know what call you might receive.  My age range is infant to 13 years of age.  That’s a huge range and you never know if you’re going to get that call at midnight and then have to be prepared.  If I do get the call, at least I’m well prepared.  

You become obsessive compulsive every time the phone rings because you are constantly checking to see if it’s the agency, a doctors’ office, a caseworker, or someone involved with foster care.  

You register for everything last minute because you don’t know if you can do it and if you can you don’t know how many kids you will be bringing.  For example, I want to do The Color Run in September, but I’m hesitant to register because I’m not sure if I will have an older child and if I do then I will need to register both of us at the same time or not go at all.

You buy cute baby clothes or shoes that are on clearance, just because you know you will eventually be able to use them.

You watch The Fosters on tv and mentally track everything that they are doing wrong.

You find creative recipes to use all of the beans and tortillas that you get with your WIC vouchers, to entice your picky toddler to actually eat them.

You make up cutesy names to describe your foster children in your blog or on facebook, so as not to get in trouble with your licensing agency.

Momat40.com is a blog about my journey as a single foster mom living life the best way that I know how.

Karen A. (www.nuggetsfromthenuthouse.blogspot.com) -

You know you're a foster sibling when…

• Going to a store and only getting one receipt is a huge deal (because we have to submit our receipts for reimbursement)
• You know how to read a WalMart receipt and the tax codes better than the employees at Customer Service
• To your peers, prom means dresses, limos, and dates. To you it means an increased chance of a new foster sibling in nine-ish months.
• On December 20th, 2012 when people were preparing for the end of the world, you were thinking about the increased chance of a new foster sibling in nine-ish months.
• Jerry Springer and Maury have nothing on the stories you could tell
• Sitting in the parking lot at the child welfare agency with your sister and playing "Who is who?" (volunteer, social worker, foster parent, or birth parent) is your favourite car game
• You get to see new parts of the world without a passport and only have to drive to the other side of town
• When you arrive at your university dorm, you start a checklist in your head of what you need to do to baby-proof
• You're the only one at your school who thinks about how impractical it is to only have one baby change table in one washroom on campus
• When you are told how many ounces of an alcoholic beverage equals "one drink", you compare it in your head to amounts of formula in a bottle
• People think your brother is your son and think your sister is your daughter
• When you go out in public with your foster brother or sister, you know you're going to be congratulated, told to enjoy it now because they grow so fast, or asked "Is this your first?" (and sometimes you'll want to say "no, my third (foster sibling)" just to see how they react)
• Your favourite stores don't even have clothes in your size
• Your newsfeed is filled with pictures of partying classmates, and you were up that night too...with a baby
• You pack for college in diaper boxes
• When you register your siblings for sibling weekend at your school, you don't know who your siblings will be when the weekend finally rolls around
• The guys in the church youth group want to hang out with you because they realize your babies work well as "girl bait"
• People ask you who "your" baby looks like and your response is, "Ummm…. I don't know."
• When people were upset about the baby name "North West" you responded "Oh yeah, well I've heard of kids named Karma, Sparkle, and Lazarus just to name a few".
• You have a frequent urge to critique people's car seat safety (even the royal couples) because yes I could put that baby in safer than you
• Quick phone calls before class with mom involving the words "court, lawyer, worker, paternity test, arrested, warrant" are not uncommon
• You have a hard time writing a six-page double-spaced report on the book you just read, but could write a twelve-page single-spaced report on your view of problems within the child welfare system
• You'd love a Chicco travel system and Ergo for Christmas (and you know what those are!)

Andrea (Live with Laughter) -

You know you're a foster parent when:

• You can't cut your child's hair without permission.
• You get asked "Are they all yours?" Every single time you go out, you learn to make a game of it. 
• You hear "Will you get to keep them?" way too many times. 
• You have to write in "I don't know" at least five times at every doctors appointment.
• You want to scream when you hear "I could never do it, it would break my heart."
• You look at your calendar on the 1st of the month and all you can do is laugh at how full it already is. 
• Your kids have to go to three different places, just so you can leave the house without them. 
• You get told, "They don't look alike." When one is black and one is white. 
• You ask strangers in the hair care aisle how to care for African American hair.
• You have friends and family drop everything to bring you dinner and supplies.
• You break the rules by having the newborn sleep in your bed. 
• You clean more in the hour before a social worker visits than you do all week. 
• You jump every time the phone rings, even if you're not expecting a call. 
• You fall in love in an instant when the door to the car opens to a new member of your tribe.
• You have a "after the call" ritual. Mine involves showering and laundry. 
• Your other children wake up to a new sibling that was delivered overnight. 
• You never get use to the stares, but learn to ignore them. 
• You have binders and folders and paperwork. Everywhere. 
• You get excited at back to school sales, you can stock up on binder and dividers. 
• You have a new knowledge of medical fields. 
• You learn on the job.
• You have a community of women online that you've never met, but who your trust and love. 
• You just have to scream sometimes. 
• You just have to laugh sometimes. You cannot make this stuff up. 
• You cry. More than you thought possible.
• You get involved in birth families lives, for better or worse. 
• You take pictures. All the time. 
• You want to laugh when people ask "You're paid for this, right?"
• You research subjects you never even knew about the day before. 
• You fight the insurance system, sometimes daily. 
• You hate filling out the "Is your child doing....." form at check ups. 
• You just can't find the words sometimes. 
• You get the immense pleasure and heartache of raising a child not born to you. 
• You cry at what they don't have and never will. 
• You own one nice court outfit and hope no one notices that you wear the same outfit every time. 
• You get annoyed you have to waste your babysitter time on a court hearing. 
• You know there's a good chance this child you love will leave. 
• You rejoice when they stay, and cry for what that truly means. 
• You are amazed at the people that come into your lives. People you would have never met otherwise. 
• You read. A lot. Really. A lot. 
• You have become a pro at researching and know who has the best websites. 
• You weep when they leave. 
• You know the best places to get baby gear at a discount. 
• You're amazed at how quickly they become part of your family. 
• You troll the waiting children websites, even though you know it's crazy. 
• You can rearrange a room and make a Walmart run in an hour.
• Your heart always skips a beat with the social worker calls. Always. 
• You have to realize you can't save them all, and that sucks. 
• You have such comfort when you hear "It's okay, I understand" and you know that they do. 
• You are filled with love when your family claims the child as their own. 
• You are amazed at how loving your own children can be to a new arrival. 
• You pray they stay. 
• You pray they go where they belong. 
• Your heart leaps when you get a new picture of a love you said goodbye too. 
• You dread visitation day. 
• Your anger at birth parents can shock you. 
• Your love for birth parents can shock you. 
• You're on first name basis with half of DSS, the police department, the judges, and even the bailiffs. 
• You can't believe the support you get. 
• You can't believe the support you don't get. 
• You amazed at the kindness of strangers. 
• You get to live in this crazy, messed up, loving, hateful, hurtful and healing world of foster care and wouldn't imagine it any other way. 

Amanda S. (Fostering Hope & Love)

You know you’re a foster parent when:

• Your cell phone is with you at all times so as not to miss “the call”
• You’ve mastered the art of making sure your caseworker knows who you are, but not being so annoying that they ignore you
• Your storage unit looks like a kids’ consignment store
• You still use a baby monitor with your 12 year old
• You can’t imagine taking a vacation without permission
• Family and friends have taken to asking you if you have any new children every time you talk
• You don’t bother trying to explain why your family includes three 6 year olds. You just tell people they’re multi-racial triplets 
• Taking an Advil requires locating the key to the medicine box
• Everyone comes to you for parenting advice because they figure you’ve been through every possible child-raising scenario
• You pre-screen tv shows, movies and books not just for age-appropriateness, but also for possible triggers (Despicable Me 2, anyone?)
• Your house gets cleaned on exactly the schedule your caseworker visits and you’re kind of grateful for the motivation
• You’ve forgotten what it is like to sleep through the night because you’ve had a newborn/toddler/angsty, sleepless child in your home every day for 5 years
• You wouldn’t dream of getting in the car without your custody or medical permission paperwork in case of emergency
• Every room in your house has a smoke detector and fire extinguisher
• Bedtime snuggles at your house often include long, tearful discussion about big feelings
• You’ve finally convinced your friends you aren’t a saint for fostering, and you’re well on your way to recruiting them as respite homes
• Every time your child says something goofy, you consider how the statement will sound from a bio-parent or caseworker perspective
• You know there is no better feeling in the world than helping a child heal

"Mie" (Letting Go of Mie)

You know you're a foster parent when:

• You wonder what people must think when they hear your conversations you have in public.  Saying things like "you'll have to ask your attorney about that" to your 6 year old, "the CPS caseworker is coming over tonight" to your husband, and "if you're still with me next year I'll make you a chocolate birthday cake" becomes completely common and yet every once in a while I'll pause to realize the people next to me in the grocery store line probably think I'm a horrible parent.
• You carry a binder with you to the doctor/dentist/therapist/etc. office.  Office staff, especially at the hospital, almost immediately recognize me as a foster parent because I carry my kids' paperwork around in their binder.  Afterall, they need to make sure the kids are with you legally (placement paperwork) and that you have the ability to consent to treatment (Medical Consenter form).
• You honestly can't answer simple questions about your child.  Speaking of doctor's - this is most common then but can happen at other places.  I remember once when a doctor or nurse asked me what my child's middle name was and I was genuinely stumped.  Sometimes it takes me a while to remember birthdates.  Sometimes my challenge in answering these questions is that my brain has trouble processing through the 24 children I've had to remember the right one.  Other times I honestly don't know the answer, like when they ask if the child was born full-term, breastfed or formula fed, vaginal or c-section birth...these are things a parent usually knows about their kids but I often have no idea.
• You find yourself planning a birthday party for a child you've only known for 7 days because every child deserves a good first birthday.
• You welcome a child (or two, or three, or more) into your home and no one in your circle acknowledges it in any way.
• You have a child(ren) in your home for more than 2-3 months that friends & family don't remember.  Afterall, it's hard for them to keep track of all your kids.  Speaking of that...
• You challenge your family to games that involve remembering all of your children's names.  (Ha!  Love that...)
• You cringe when daycare/childcare asks you to label everything that belongs to the child before dropping them off.
• You get excited about finding homeopathic remedies that work because you might be able to avoid medication logs and doctor visit paperwork.
• People around you tell you your crazy and a saint in the same conversation.
• You feel like you must be crazy for signing up for this journey over and over again and yet you wouldn't have it any other way.

"Foster Friday" Panel - Letters

As foster parents, we ride a roller coaster of emotional ups and downs with a wide variety of other passengers...  Some join us on the journey willingly...  Others are paid to be there...  Some are dragged onto the ride kicking and screaming...  And the smallest passengers are there due to circumstances completely beyond their control.

Often times, it is easier to express feelings in writing than to voice our thoughts aloud.  This month, our "Foster Friday" panel joined me in writing letters to people we have (or will) encounter along our foster care journeys.

Cherub Mamma (Cherub Mamma) -

Dear Dolly,

Right now you are a beautiful, trusting, loving five-year-old. Someday though, you will be a beautiful, angry, frustrated teenager. I am positive that there will be a day in which you will scream at me that you never wanted to be adopted. You will swear that you never wanted to be a part of our family.

This is hard stuff. I know that. And our decision to intervene in your CPS case was not made lightly. We waited for the state of Texas to do right by you. But time after time it seemed less likely that their plan was best. After a lot of prayer Dolly, we decided it was necessary for your long-term emotional health and physical safety to step in legally.

I’m sorry your first mom did not keep you safe. That’s the biggest issue of all, Dolly. Every child longs to be with its mother. Unfortunately, your first mom did not do anything she needed to do to bring you back to her. The option of that reunification never really existed. Your first dad walked away from you too. I am so sorry. I will never be able to fully comprehend the abandonment you must feel. The people that came together to make you, due to the pull of a destructive lifestyle, were unable to stay in your life as your parents. I will never claim to understand how that makes you feel. But I do empathize with how difficult it must be.

I saw you grow in amazing ways after joining our family. I will never claim that our family is “better”. Well, at least I’ll try not too. But Dolly, from everything I could tell, our family was safer. We offer you permanency in a family setting surrounded by people that want you. I believe our desires to care for you through all of this are stronger than those of your biological family.

I hope that your grandma and other family members will choose to stay in contact with you after adoption. I hope you will know your entire life that it was never our goal to steal you away from your family. As long as they are sober and safe, I want more than anything for you to stay connected.

Right now though, everything is quite confusing. Foster care doesn’t make sense most of the time to me. I’m sure it’s a total mess to you! All I’ve ever wanted for you Dolly was for you to be safe and loved and cared for by family that genuinely wants you.

You deserve permanency, Dolly. And that’s what we are fighting for now.

I don’t know where this adventure is going to take us. I pray our intervention is successful. I pray that we are able to celebrate your adoption soon. I don’t know what it’s going to be like when you’re a teenager though. I don’t know what the future holds. Just know I’m with you through it all, Dolly. So even if you scream at me twelve years from now that you hate me and you wish you had never been adopted, I’ll still keep on loving you.

I love you! I’ve loved you since I met you. And I’ll never stop loving you.

~ Mommy

Karen C. (Our Foster Journey) - 

To my extended family,

Without your permission Ron and I signed up to be foster parents. We have taken you along for the craziest 4 year journey that you could ever imagine being on. We have taken in 23 placements in such a short amount of time. 

You have stood by us, supporting us, loving us. You pick up these babies and hold and love them with no questions asked. You have submitted all your personal information so you can babysit for us. You didn't willingly sign up for any of this, yet here you are, along for the ride. 

You have helped us throw birthday parties together last minute knowing in a couple days those kids will leave us and we will never see them again. Yet, your generosity sent them away with 5 times as much stuff as what they came with. You are truly a blessing in our life.

You have mourned the loss of our first foster placement (and many more after). This little guy had crawled up into all of our hearts and we all ached when he left. You suffered loss right along with us. Yet, you continually stand by us faithfully as we continue this journey. THEN, 3 years later you are celebrating BIG with us when that little guy all of a sudden gets placed back in our home. Counting our blessings and God's great miracle when we finalize his adoption 4 short months later!

Of course this journey is still not over. There is a little girl who has been a part of our lives for over 2 1/2 years. We have watched her grow from a 4 pound preemie to towering over her siblings who are older than her. She calls you aunt, uncle, grandma, grandpa. She's the best snuggle bug and gives the best kisses. Every single one of you know the love of this child. Yet, here you sit holding your breath right along with us not knowing if she will ultimately be ripped out of hearts and family forever. You are once again standing by us faithfully. Giving us the encouragement and support we need. Even more, you weren't surprised when right in the midst of this crazy case we find out there is another baby on the way. Never for a second did you question us when we said of course we would take baby too if we get the opportunity. 

Thank you family for standing by us, loving us, and ultimately loving 23 children! We could not have survived this journey called Foster Care without you. The ride is not over yet so keep your seatbelts fastened!

Love,
Ron & Karen

Amanda S. (Fostering Hope & Love) - 

Dear pre-foster parent me,

Honey, you think you know what you’re getting into, but you have no idea. And that’s okay. Turns out, you could have spent a year in training and still not been prepared for this journey. You’ll see and hear things that are more confusing and screwed up than you ever expected – and that’s just from the agency and court system! Right now, sitting in PRIDE classes, they seem like they know what they’re doing. It’s all an act. They have NO CLUE, and they’re going to pass that confusion and frustration right on down to you and your kiddos. You’re going to learn to advocate for yourself and your kids like never before just to survive the system.

The kids’ bio-families are not what you expect, either. Turns out, you’re going to like most of them (you’ll be lucky and have pretty good bio-families, though). You’re going to want to get to know them and build relationships, and not just out of obligation. And that’s going to make it harder on you when you see that they are in no way competent to raise children. It’s painful to hope that people you like don’t get their children back. You’re going to figure out the best thing you can do is support them the best you can and help them feel confident that their children are in good hands. That’s really all you can do for them.

Then there’s the kids. Having not been a parent prior to this journey, you won’t be expecting to fall as totally, head-over-heels in love with them as you are going to. You don’t know how you’ll be torn between protecting your heart against the inevitable goodbyes and giving into to that love. Really, though, there’s no choice. You’ll love them fiercely because that’s what they need. And that’s what is best for you, too, even when it hurts.

Finally, there’s one aspect to foster care you never, ever expected. The support system. Since you and hubby don’t live near any family, you basically expect to be doing this alone. You will be amazed at the friends, both in real life and online who show up to help out. Sometimes they’ll provide physical help. Sometimes it will be mental and emotional. DO NOT BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR SUPPORT! Foster care is not natural and everyone needs help coping with it. You’re never afraid to support hubby, or to walk through fire to get the kids the help they need. You’re just as important, and you deserve support just as much.

That’s it! Back when I was in your position, I’m not sure I’d have believed half the stuff we’re going to experience. So consider this letter a heads up. And here’s my advice: be kind. Be kind to yourself, hubby, your bio-families. You can’t go wrong if you default to kindness, even if it sometimes takes the form of pushing back or standing strong against the system (that’s when you’re being kind to yourself and your family). You can do this, and it will be the hardest and most rewarding thing you’ve ever done.

Love,
Yourself in 3 years

Andrea (Life with Laughter) - 

Dear T,

You gave birth. In no way does this make you a mother. How dare you call yourself her mother! You have a lot of nerve to harass her aunt. The only one who tried to keep her. The one you left her with. I cannot get over your gall. You chose to walk out on her. You literally packed your bags and walked out the door, the day you turned 18. I just received a chest of her baby items. In there was a picture of a beautiful smiling child. The frame said "Happy Mother's Day" You left that sitting on the dresser when you left. You took a precious child that should have had a full and healthy life, and you destroyed it. You left a massive mess for everyone else to clean up. However, we don't consider her a mess or a chore. Your lawyer said you considered her "an inconvenience" we certainly do not. We are sad of course, for how she has to suffer and the things she won't be able to do. To us, she is an angel, a miracle, and a survivor. She's had to be a fighter to survive her life with you. You didn't even care for her while she was growing inside of you. The safest place for a baby is the womb, you made your womb a dangerous place that she escaped from at only 28 weeks. Even then you couldn't care for her, giving birth in the toilet and allowing her to stay in there, you didn't even know to lift her out of the water. 

We have fought long and hard to get her the services and help that you denied her. Trying to fix the damage you did. My anger boils over at you today. The child you gave birth to is suffering! She is laying in a hospital bed, she's hooked to an IV, morphine, and a feeding tube. The feeding tube is needed because you broke her insides. She cannot eat. She cannot drink. Her lips are chapped. Her throat is dry. And it is all your fault. She is now having to get her nutrition through a tube into her intestines. She cannot enjoy food. She just had her third birthday, she was able to enjoy her cupcake. That was her last treat for the foreseeable future. And it is all your fault. All you had to do was say "I have this infection, protect my child." That's all you had to say. You didn't. You damage your child. Your precious daughter. She just had medicine by mouth, she sucked on that syringe like a person finding water in the desert. And you made this happen. You made her suffer like this. You dare suggest her Aunt is at fault. You find blame everywhere except right where is belongs, with you. 

This sweet amazing child will be having more doctors appointments, blood draws, X-rays, MRIs, EEKs, EEGs, and pain than most adults will in their entire lives. She has lived on this earth on 36 months. Our goals for her are the simplest of things, to drink from a cup, to look when her name is called, to track an object across her field of vision, and to wash her hands with help. The goals of a 6 month old. 

But that's okay. We will clean up what you left, what you broke. We will be rewarded with her smiles and her giggles. We will rock her and snuggle with her. We will smile when she runs to us. And we will weep with joy if we ever hear a word come from her mouth. You can continue living your life. I just beg of you that you don't drag your other children with you. Your twins are already suffering the same affects as her. The new baby growing in your womb, already 20 weeks along, please, I beg you, go to a doctor and take care of him or her. Stop this. Stop leaving these hurt children all around you. Can you be a good mother? I don't know, so far the answer is no, you seem to crave babies, and leave them when they become children. Just leave them with someone who will care for them. Just walk away, it's what you're good at. Leave before you hurt them even more. 

People ask me "Aren't you happy you have a girl, finally?" Of course I am. However, I'd rather her be happy and running around with her family, laughing and being three, than laying strapped to a hospital bed with me. I love her with all my heart, but I would trade having a daughter to have her healthy. But she's not. I will love her anyway. I will do everything within my power and rely of God's gracious love to give her the best life possible. And she will thrive, without you. 

Dani - 

Dear Bug,

You were the first placement we had.  We knew we were going to get you even before we were licensed as foster parents.  I started calling you Bug because I didn't know your name and didn't want to keep calling you Baby Boy.

We have been blessed to be your parents for over a year now.  You have learned so many new things in that year, but I think we have learned even more.  

You taught us patience.  You were the fussiest baby ever.  You did nothing but scream and cry every second you were awake for almost five and a half months.  You taught us that no matter what we were feeling, you needed our calm presence.  You needed us to be in control to help teach you to be in control.

You taught us understanding.  Through you, we learned to really like your bio mom.  She has a lot of problems, but most of them weren't her fault.  She never had a mother of her own to teach her how to do things.  She never learned HOW to be a mom because she didn't have one.  Hopefully we've taught her a few things that will make her life easier.

You taught us love.  We weren't sure if we could love a baby that we would one day have to say goodbye to.  We didn't know if our hearts would always be on guard, and leave just a little bit of love held back.  You taught us that we can love deeply and fiercely, even if that means we will be hurt beyond measure if you have to leave us.

You taught us that we could survive on very little sleep.  Sleep is a big deal to us, but you taught us that we do OK for months on end with very little.

You taught us the value of friends.  We couldn't have made it through those first few months without those friends who would hold you for an hour or so giving us a little break, or those friends who gave us encouragement that we could do it.  

You taught us joy.  We were so happy the day you first smiled, the day you first coo'd, the day you gave us your first laugh.  We rejoiced over every little thing you did.  You had to work harder to do almost everything, but that only made it more special when you did them.

I could go on and on, my son, but I think you will get the idea.

You are so loved by us.  We don't know if you will stay or go, but I want you to know that we will love you until we breathe our last breath.  You are my heart and soul.  You are mine, little Bug, now and forever.

Dena (MomAt40.com) - 

Dear Former Party Girl,

You used to think you had it made.  Sleeping in when you wanted, hanging out with your friends every Friday and Saturday night, going on cruises at the drop of a hat, and so much more.  So, who would have thought that a year and a half later you would be enjoying staying at home all the time with a 1 ½ year old and your fun time is going to the park or the mall.  

Remember, stumbling in at 1 am on more than one occasion from a little too much partying?  Now, you’re stumbling half asleep into the baby room at 1am for a quick diaper change and snuggle.   No more happy hour as your meals are now either eaten in a hurry or after baby girl goes to sleep.    Your long dangling jewelry has now been replaced with teething necklaces or eliminated completely.

With all of that being said, you are the happiest that I’ve ever seen you.  You wake every day with a smile and go to bed every night thinking happy thoughts of laughing, giggling and dancing with your baby girl.  I know you have recently been faced with some challenges regarding foster care and the possibility of losing her, but just remember how happy you are and how happy that little girl is.   

Signed,

Hopeful Forever Mommy

Karen A. (www.nuggetsfromthenuthouse.blogspot.com) - 

To my future self,

Right now you're a foster sister and social work student with no clue as to what the future holds. In fifteen years, maybe you'll be working as a social worker for a child welfare agency, maybe you'll be a foster mom, maybe you'll be married and have biological children. The person you are in the future is being shaped so much by this fostering journey. I hope that you will remember some things, and I hope that you will change some things.

As a child welfare professional, I pray that you will remember what it's like to be in this place that you are today, as this letter is being written. Remember what it's like to be the foster family. Remember how it feels to have no control but to pour your complete being into loving these children. Remember how much you long to feel respected, important, and be acknowledged for the role you play in these children's lives. I pray that you will treat the foster families the way you wish you could be treated now. I pray that you remember to take off your professional hat sometimes and just see the injustice- in other words, may you not become apathetic. Talk to the foster family, keep them in the loop. And remember that they know a lot more about the child than you do- they are a great resource. I hope that the experiences you have had today with birth families will remind you that you too could have had a series of bad turns in your life, or been born into an intergenerational cycle of disaster. Be humble, be thankful, and be kind.

As a foster parent, may you be organized, love whole-heartedly, and use your "strong voice".

If it be the Lord's will, then as a wife, I hope that the experiences of today will help make you so much more grateful for your husband. Through fostering, you've seen men stand up and take more responsibility than they ever needed to. And you've also seen men who haven't come close enough to know that they have responsibilities to step up to. You've also seen both of these sides in women. I hope that you can find a husband who will be the first kind, and that you will strive to be that person also. Through fostering, you've had a crash course in grace, forgiveness, encouragement, and loving when it's hard to. I'm sure these will be lessons you will be reminded of in the years to come, and I hope that you will be thankful for the opportunities God gave you now to learn these.

As a mother, I just hope that you will remember that no matter how a child comes to you- through the local foster care agency, off an airplane, or from your own womb, remember that these children are never "yours". They are God's children, and tomorrow is never a guarantee, whether they have your last name or not. Fostering has taught you that every day is a gift. I also hope that you will remember how much it has shaped you to see your own parents say "yes" even when many would say "no". It has been a wonderful opportunity for your faith to grow, and when you say "yes" it will also be a chance for your children's faith to grow.

As a person, I hope that you will be loving, forgiving, willing to take risks, open to new situations, and organized.

Finally, if you're reading this in the future, it means you made it through many times where it felt like the end of the world because of all the "crises" that kept arising. Remember to keep the big picture in mind, and that in the end...it will be okay.

Karen

Yolanda (The Path Chosen for Me) - 

Dear Mom

I tried to call you yesterday, there was no answer.  I wanted to tell you that I’m ok.  I miss my Squeaks everyday but the days do get easier.  I wanted to tell you that I am going to do it again.  I am officially a mom in waiting again.  I know you worry about me.  Worry about my heart ache when I have to give them up.  I always tell you don’t worry so much.  And you would say.  It’s a mother’s job to worry about her children.  I get it now.  I get that when you are a mom, worry is not something you can control.  I worried about my babies’ everyday they are not with me.  I worry if they are safe, loved, if they are happy.  I worry that if something happened and I wasn’t there who would comfort them.   I even worry about them now, even though they have gone to live their lives with others.  A mother’s love doesn’t stop.

I wanted to tell you that I am going to do it.  Because not doing it again is not an option.  Not being a mom is something that I cannot even imagine.  I know being a single mom is going to be hard, there will be days that I just want to quit and give up.  Then I will look at you.  You are a single mom you raised 3 children as single mom, and at times made it look easy.   I didn’t feel any less loved than my friends or family who had 2 parents.   I know my kids will be loved and we will be fine.  I don’t plan to always be a single mom.  I do hope to find a man who will love me and my child.  But if that doesn’t happen it will be ok.  

I wanted to tell you I can’t wait to make you a grandma again. You already have 5 grandkids, and many others that you claim as your grandkids.  But I want to make you a grandma.  I can’t wait to call you and tell you that I have signed the paperwork, that we are now a family forever.  It is coming.  I know it.  I have faith.  God knows my heart.   He is the one that put the love in my heart.  Gods plan never fails. 

I tried to call you yesterday and there was no ringing, no answer, only a voice on the other end that I didn’t know, a voice saying your number was disconnected.  Then it hit me.  You are not there, you are not here, you are no longer in this life. Everything that I want to tell you, everything I need to say, I can’t. My heart is shattered.  I still can’t believe you are gone.  With one phone call I have lost my mom, my children’s grandma, my friend.  I am an orphan in this world.   Who will worry about me now?  Who will tell me that they are proud of me and encourage me when I am down?  Who will just listen to me just talk?   

It has been one month since you took his hand when God called you home.  I know you are at peace, I know you are no longer in pain. I know that you are enjoying the comfort embrace of your parents.  But I miss you.  I miss your voice; I miss our Saturday morning calls.  I miss you.  I will be ok, I promise.  You have left a legacy of love, and strength.  Your work is done.   Now you will have a front row seat when I sign the paperwork.    You are now my angel.  You can spread your wings and fly and be my protector in the sky. 

You are forever in my heart, I love you Mom.

Your daughter,

Yolanda

Julie (Our Thrive Life) -

My Allie Girl,

I have waited and procrastinated writing this letter to you. I’ve thought many times on what I would say. I thought that in waiting somehow the words would just come freely. As I sit here on the evening before you go to live with your forever family my heart is full of so many emotions.

I want you to know how loved you are. How special you are. You are a strong and spirited young child and will be a great person in life. I know it because I have looked into your eyes and seen both the beauty outside and within. You are a spirit daughter of our Heavenly Father. He loves you and he wants you to be happy. I want you to know that you have a Savior, Jesus Christ, who loves you so very much.

 In the short six months that you have been a part of our family I have grown to love you with the same love I have for my own child, my flesh and blood. Everyone says that it is impossible. But it isn’t. I love you as a daughter and I always will. I know that Tricia and David, your new Mama and Daddy, will love you with this same love. As much heartache as I have in letting you go, I know that the love that they have for you will carry you throughout life. I have complete confidence that you will turn out to be a radiant and lovely young woman.

I want you to know that as an infant you have always been strong. You held your head up when you were just days old, you rolled over earlier than most other babies. You are even beginning to crawl before you are six months old! You are healthy and developmentally on track. You give us so much joy. You love people. You enjoy being held and tickled and read to. You are inquisitive and want to know what is going on. You babble and screech to let everyone know that you are around and will not be ignored.

You sleep through the night and have since you were two months old. You are patient and loving. You love to play with Isaac, your brother in our home. He cares very much for you as well. He walks around asking where “Sissy” is and is always happy to give you hugs. You both spend a lot of time laughing at each other’s silly antics. He will miss you.

Most of all my sweet Allie I want you to know that you are a blessing to our lives. We are grateful to have had this time for you. We have seen you grow from a newborn only 8 lbs 13 oz to a healthy and robust 6 month old. I am grateful to have been your Mama for a season. You have taught me so much about motherhood, especially being a mother of a little girl. Thank you for sharing your life with us. I have great hope that our relationship will continue. That you will always know our family.

I have so much more that my heart cannot even say. I love you my sweet child.


Love, Your Mama

Mama C -

Dear younger me,

I know you badly want children.  Do not cry, do not doubt God, HE has a plan for you!   One day you will sit in the doctor’s office and you will be told you cannot conceive a child-DO NOT FRET, DO NOT WORRY!  This is all part of HIS great plan!  By 2013, you will have four sweet princesses that have at some point called you “Mommy.”  To three of them (and many more to come), you will become Aunt “Mama C.”  Your marriage will become stronger than ever!  Your husband is truly a rock & together y’all are an unstoppable team!  This journey will be the hardest, but most rewarding journey of your life!  Enjoy every moment.  One of the princesses will one day legally become yours (Lord willing).  You will remain in contact with the other 3 sweet babies & their families will become part of yours!  Do not give up on HIM or on HIS plan!  Through this journey, you will be blessed more than you could ever imagine…remain in HIM always & HIS plan will be revealed!  You will also meet some wonderful “friends” through the blogging world…I know you are anti-meeting people online, but these people will become your support group!  You will all go through everything together, you will cry when the others go through a hard time and they will do the same for you!  You will pray for each other like you are family!  Just always remember one thing: 

Jeremiah 29:11
New International Version (NIV)

11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Sincerely,

30 something Mama C :-)

"Mie" (Letting Go of Mie) - 

Your Honor –

Thank you for serving our county by presiding over family law cases, particularly those regarding the status of parental rights brought on by our great state.  I know you are passionate about the rule of law but also about the impact these cases have on families, both the parents and the children.  I too am greatly concerned about the legal status of parental relationships and the real-life consequences these cases have on all involved.

As a foster parent, I don’t have the opportunity to address you regularly in court.  I certainly wish I could though and so I show up to court as often as possible to show my support to the case and, most importantly to me, the children.  These children are beautiful.  I have known them now for 6 months and even though they have only been placed with me for several weeks they have definitely grown on my heart and I care deeply for them.  Like you, I want what is best for them and strongly believe that for any child what is best for them is to be raised by their biological parents who are healthy, stable, and can provide them a safe and loving home. 

Your honor, these children are in desperate need of permanency.  They have been in the court system for more than 2 years now.  Their family has let them down time and time again.  They have lived in at least 8 homes, having moved 5 times in the past 6 months.  They are so young and vulnerable your honor.  They need someone to stand up for them and their needs, someone who understands that they are at a pivotal point in this journey.  We watched helplessly as they were moved around before coming to our home and saw how at each stop they became less attached and more volatile.  Now that they are in our home we’ve watched their defenses fall, healing begin, and progress made though at each visit they fall apart and exhibit scary, uncontrolled behaviors.  Your honor, I have carefully parented these children since they have been with me to support healing.  I’ve also spoken with them several times and even they can describe it clearly – they love their mother and father but do not feel safe with them, even now after the changes they have made.  The children have described to me the times they have gone without food where they’ve had to literally search the streets to find something to eat.  They have shared with me how their parents made them drink alcohol, how their mother sleeps all the time and won’t feed them and how their father frequently uses bad words with children.  One of the children looks forward to seeing the parents at visits in order to hit them because that is what their relationship consists of.  Do they want to have a good relationship with the father and mother who birthed them?  Absolutely, but they also know that they are not safe with them and are genuinely fearful of being around them without additional supervision.

Recently, your honor, the kids came home from their unsupervised visit telling us about their encounter with the police.  They told me in painful detail about the interaction – they had to see things kids their age should never have to see.  This experience is just yet another one to confirm that their parents cannot keep them safe.  Your honor – recently you gave this parent permission to see the children unsupervised to provide the opportunity to see what would happen if/when the children return home.  This is the answer.  Everyone watching can see that these beautiful children will face further insecurity, both emotionally and physically.

In our home things are different.  They are provided healthy food on a regular basis, as much as is needed.  We repeatedly tell them how loved they are and how hard we will work to keep them safe.  They are getting their first normal, healthy family relationship possibly in their entire lives and they are not only healing but are thriving.  Consequently, they are asking to stay forever.  They want to know when they can talk to you to tell you that they want to stay with us forever and never have to leave. 

Your honor – when will you give them their wish?  When will they be able to have a safe and loving home, permanently, so they can live healthy and fulfilled lives?  I appreciate that you are trying to give their family every possible opportunity to reunite – if I were in their shoes I would want the same opportunity – but at what cost?  I’ll tell you the cost – everyday these children go without permanency with the lack of complete security in knowing where they will spend the rest of their childhood they take one more step toward a dark place – a place many foster children are pushed toward through the system from which many are never fully able to return.  Their ability to love and be loved, to function in society knowing they have a safe family supporting them, to overcome their difficult beginning and become the shining stars you see when you look in their eyes...all of that disappears just a little bit every day they aren’t given forever.  We know the life they face if they return to their biological family who has proven historically and recently that they lack the ability to provide security.   Please, your honor, consider the childrens’ requests to stay with us forever and their needs for safety, security and love.  Help us provide them what they need and deserve, forever.

Sincerely - A humble and desperate mother

Tammy aka. Mimi (I Must Be Trippin') - 

Dear C,

The last time I saw you a year and a half ago, I was comforting your hysterical infant while you cried silent tears.  It was your scheduled supervised visit with Monkey, and for once you showed up.  You stood there and watched as I tried to reassure your child that he would have fun with his Mommy, to which you uttered the words that broke my heart.  "It's okay...  To him, you are Mommy."  You weren't angry or bitter like some birth mothers would be.  You were utterly defeated.  That visit was your last.  You never came back.

There are so many things that I want to say to you...  So many things that I want you to know about our little boy...  At 28-months-old, sixteen months after Monkey went home to live with his Daddy, I am still his Mommy.  Monkey's no longer the newborn who you held in your arms in the hospital.  He is a non-stop bundle of energy, talks like a 4-year-old, and is so full of love.  Your "American English baby" as you once called him is picking up bits of Spanish from his Daddy, and definitely keeps us on our toes trying to follow his conversations in a mix of his two languages.  I know you'd be so proud of what an amazing little boy he has turned out to be.  

I think of you every day, and pray that you are okay.  Every time Monkey throws himself into my arms and smiles up at me saying, "There Mommy is," I think of you and grieve a little for what you are missing.  I grieve for what Monkey is missing by not knowing the Mama who risked her own life to have him...  The Mama who always cuddled her baby boy and smelled like Loves Baby Soft perfume...  The Mama who immersed herself in English lessons because she wanted him to understand her...  The Mama who hung on my every word to learn even the smallest details about her baby boy...  The Mama who won her battle with cancer and who tried so hard to overcome the addictions and depression that resulted from that fight...

I want you to know that I love Monkey with a Mama's fierce love.  I want you to know that I will try to love him enough for both of us.  I have no doubt that you love him.  During the year that you tried so hard to overcome your demons, I saw that love firsthand.  I know that the only reason Monkey is here at all is because of the love that you had for him even before he was born.  You carried him against medical advice.  You fought so hard for him before he was even born.  You fought so hard during the time that he was in foster care, but as hard as you tried, you just weren't able to heal.  You fought for him though...  As hard as you could...  And I want you to know that I will make sure he knows that when he's old enough to understand.

I pray every day that you are still fighting to heal.  I pray that you can feel our hope for you even when you don't have that hope for yourself.  I told you one time that Monkey needs you, and I still believe that is true.  My hope is that one day, Monkey will be walking the stage at his college graduation and looking out to see both of his moms loving and cheering him on.  The mom who gave birth to him and who fought and overcame her demons in order to be a positive influence in his life...  and me, the mom who raised him, who kissed all of his hurts, and who loved him with a Mama Bear love so deep that I was changed for the better.

Until that day, I will love our son for the both of us.

With love and hope for the future,
Tammy