The Big Decision

I'm a kid magnet. For some reason, kids are drawn to me like I have candy popping out of my pores. I'm the person who lost children approach in the store for help finding their parents. At 33-years-old, I still sit at the kids' table during family holidays because the kids are glued to my side. I've taught PE, tutored, coached gymnastics, volunteered to work with youth and children's groups at church, and worked summer day care and after school care at the YMCA. Luckily for me, I love the kids just as much as they love me.

For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to have a whole litter of kids of my own. But for me, my idea of "my own" kids has always been a houseful of children I've adopted. You see, there are these things called "pregnancy" and "childbirth" and "breastfeeding" ...and these things have never appealled to me one bit! I think God knew what he was doing when he afflicted me with endometriosis and cysts the size of baseballs that resulted in my having a hysterectomy at the age of 30. I don't think I'd make a very pleasant pregnant person. Having some little parasite sucking the life out of me for nine months, having to push the squirming creature out of my hoo-ha, and THEN allowing it to chew on my ta-ta's for months after that... I THINK NOT! Just hand it over after it's out, and I'll take it from there. I'll make an AMAZING mom... I would NOT make a good pregnant person.

So after years of soul-searching, hours of prayer, and many lists of pros and cons, I've decided to become a foster parent. I've always shied away from fostering in the past. My main fear is that I would become too attached and something would happen that would result in having a child taken away from me after years of being their "mom." But this year, my mindset has begun shifting from "this child is mine" to "I can help this child for as long as they need me." Yes, I will be heartbroken after a child leaves my home, especially if they've been with me for years... But at least I'll know that I made a difference in their lives while I had them, and as their foster mom, I'll get the first chance to officially adopt them as they become eligible. It looks like I'll have my litter of kids after all!

So today, the journey begins! I go to my first foster/adopt meeting tonight! Wish me luck as I go through the process, and don't be surprised if I ask some of you to fill out reference forms for me. I'll be blogging throughout the whole process, so feel free to take the journey with me! I can't wait!!!

Passing the Time...

1. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?
It's sweet! It's nice to feel loved without being groped all the time.

2. A big poofy dress or a short party dress?
Good grief, I'm poofy enough without adding to it with the dress!!!

3. What would you do if you received a long love letter?
Well, I supposed I would read it. DUH!

4. Group dates or single dates?
At this point, ANY DATE would be lovely!

5. Do you hate it when guys act different around their friends?
I don't care how he acts if I'm not there... As long as he's not messing with other girls and I don't have to come bail his butt out of jail, he can act as stupid as he wants with his friends.

6. Are diamonds a girl's best friend?
They're nice and all, but I'll marry the man who proposes to me with a variety pack of mulit-color, free-flow ink highlighters!

7. Is your hair up or down today?
Up right now... Down during the day...

8. Do you straighten your hair?
Usually curl it... I only straighten it when it's short.

9. Favorite mascara?
Clear! I'm allergic to that other stuff, so it just smears from my eyes watering.

10. Do you get your nails done?
I am NOT paying $35 to get my nails done when I can buy Diet Coke or go to Girls' Night instead! One has to have priorities, you know...

11. Small or large purses?
One with lots of compartments... I have to be organized. The OCD in me...

12. In your purse, what are your must haves?
Cell phone, glasses, debit card, ID, lip gloss, and anti-crazy meds...

13. Jeans or sweats?
Jeans in public... Yoga pants around the house or to paint in... Sweat bottoms are just WRONG!

14. Do you wear clothes/shoes/jewelry that's uncomfortable?
It is painful to be this stinkin' hot, you know... (OMG! I almost managed to type that without bursting into laughter!)

15. Do you text message a lot?
I'm usually right around my 200 a month allotment.

16. What would you do if you got pregnant?
SUE THE FREAKIN' HECK OUT OF MY OBGYN!!! I had a hysterectomy three years ago! (Although I'd probably be thrilled silly and then sell my story to the trash mags. "Woman With No Uterus Has Bouncing Baby Boy!")

17. What's your favorite color?
Crayola Crayon Midnight Blue (It HAS to be that brand too!)

18. Heels or flats?
Chunky heels or wedges

19. Did you ever cry during a romantic movie?
Of course! I DO have feelings you know!

20. Would you ever leave the house without make-up on?
Depends on where I'm going, but I don't really have a problem with it either way.

21. Walmart or Target?
I have to go to BOTH because neither one carries ALL of what I need to buy!

22. Do you wear collared shirts?
Occassionally

23. Do you like preppy boys?
Depends... I'd like to find a guy who can easily convert back and forth from preppy to tough cowboy to scruffy biker guy. That's HOT AS HELL!!!

24. Do you think lip gloss is the best!?
Um, no. I can think of all sorts of other things that top lip gloss on my list of "best things." World peace, an end to homelessness, my electric stapler with rechargable batteries...

25. Do you own any big sunglasses?
no

26. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
27 minutes exactly

27. Do you like to wear band-aids?
Am I bleeding?

28. Do you like skater boys?
Skater? No. Biker? Yes.

29. Do you often wish there was something you could change?
Well, I sure as heck wish that OTHER PEOPLE would change the darn toilet paper rolls once in a while! There is NOTHING more irritating than walking into a bathroom with three mostly-used rolls of toilet paper sitting on the back of the toilet and a COMPLETELY EMPTY ROLL on the holder!!!

30. Gold or silver?
Definitely silver

31. Do you like to receive flowers?
I love flowers. I would love to RECEIVE flowers. However, no one ever gets them for me unless I'm having body parts removed.

32. Do you like surfer boys?
Depends on if he can do the whole rough and tough thing too. And if he says things like "DUDE!" and "NARLY!" it would be a total NO!

33. Do you dress up for the holidays?
Depends on the occassion.

34. Do you like to wear dresses?
Not if it means wearing nylons. Those things are EVIL!!!

35. On a scale of 1-10 how much do guys confuse you?
Not much... I think I confuse them more.

36. In the last 48 hours have you hung out with a guy?
Only my adorable nephew

37. Would you date a guy shorter than you?
No... I'm only 5'2"! Besides, I don't want to have to feel like I have to protect him!

38. Do you like to hold hands?
Of course

39. What is the youngest you would date?
It would depend on how mature he is. I'd prefer he have a real job and not live with his parents.

40. What is the oldest you would date?
see 39.

41. What do you notice when you first meet a guy?
His eyes and smile (teeth)

42. Is it hot when guys sweat?
It is if I don't have to touch them or smell them.  And I'm sure it probably is hot if he's sweating.

43. What is the best feature in a guy?
His smile and personality

44. Do you like making eye contact?
I'm a flirt, so I love the eye thing.

46. Would you kill for chocolate?
No. Killing is bad.

47. Did you ever spend all day/night getting pretty for a guy?
Hell no! I'll spend a few hours getting pretty for ME, and if a guy likes it, that's just an added bonus.

48. On a scale from 1-10 how fun is shopping?
Do I have money?

49. Do you freak out if you miss your favorite show?
I don't miss my shows. I have a DVR! I salute YOU, Mr. DVR Invention Guy! You are a REAL MAN OF GENIOUS.

50. Do you yell a lot?
No. I tend to get very quiet when I'm pissed off. I yell at hockey games though. I LOVE HOCKEY!!!

51. Do you wear sweatpants/pajamas to school/work?
My @ss would be fired.

52. Have you ever dressed unlike yourself to impress a guy?
Nope

53. Do you write a lot of mushy love poems?
Ewww... No. But I do write a lot. Stories, poetry, etc.

54. What makeup could you not live w/out?
I love my lipstick and all, but I'm sure I would continue living without it.

55. Do you fall in love easily?
Nope. So if I say "I love you," you can know I definitely mean it.

56. Do you have cramps?
Not any more, THANK GOD (and my OBGYN!!!)

57. Do you think you have the bestest friend ever?
I have a few of the "bestest friends ever." I'm a very, very lucky girl!

And the Winner Is...

 

It was a monumental day in CBC Land today. Were the 1100 already underpaid employees given cost of living increases to help them out and possibly improve morale a bit? Did management decide to give bonuses to the employees whose workload more than doubled after our merge with another blood center? Of course not! That would just be silly!...

Today marked what I believe is the 37th week in a row where an already-established member of management was promoted to an even higher level of management. Now that's just what we needed! A Senior, Senior Director under the COO, but over the Senior Director over the Director over the three Managers over the one (I kid you not, ONE) employee in the Facilities department... Can anyone say, "top-heavy?"

I have to admit, I'm a little bummed. Not because it seems that I will soon have seven bosses within a ten person department (we only have three right now, so we're overdue for some new management positions by CBC standards), but because no one let me in on how I can get one of these positions! I have my theories, of course. And I have decided to try them out one at a time until I find the one that works.

Week One in Tammy's Quest for Directorship - "Calling Dibs"As soon as this week's new Director was announced, I jumped up on my chair and loudly exclaimed, "I CALL DIBS ON NEXT WEEK'S DIRECTOR POSITION!!!" I think it is quite possible that whoever screamed the loudest might get the job. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, although I might have to fight my Accounting Manager for it. He yelled rather loudly himself, and then he proceeded to challenge me to a game of "rock, paper, scissors" for it. He doesn't scare me though. I can outsmart him.

Week Two, Should Week One Fail - "Entering the Raffle"I believe it's highly possible that everyone has been entering some sort of Management Raffle that I don't know about. I know I've seen my bosses take out what look suspiciously like ticket stubs around the same time every week, just before the new promotions are announced. I just need to find out where I can purchase those tickets, and I'm in! If I buy enough of those puppies, I bet I could move from Supervisor to "Triple Platinum Senior Director to the 25th Power" in no time!!! That'd be cool.

Week Three - "Discover the Secret Handshake"It has occurred to me that promotion to a management position might not be as straightforward as calling dibs or entering a raffle. I have decided that I must also watch our steadily-growing management team for unusual behavior such as a secret handshake when they think no one is looking, or the utterance of the week's new secret password. I'm fairly certain I saw this week's winner and a couple of the chief officers bump knuckles, dance a Riverdance jig, cross their arms in that rapper pose, and utter something that sounded like, "Cock-a-doodle-doo! Peace out" when they thought they were alone. I'll have my eye on them, that's for sure!

Week Four - "Promote Myself"Shoot! With over 500 supervisors, managers, directors, senior directors, chief officers, etc. already in place, who the heck is going to notice if I start showing up to management meetings?!? I'm already one of the chosen few with access to "All Users" via email. I think I might just send out an email telling everyone to join in congratulating me to my new, well-earned position as "Super-Duper, Big Boss Lady Over Everyone and Everything."

I'm sure there are plenty of other strategies that I can use to further my CBC career and head in the direction of management. Honestly, I think it might be more difficult to avoid promotion into management at the rate they're going! It's actually become a big joke among the "little people" at the office. So next week, when the 501st person is promoted and you hear hysterical laughter coming from CBC headquarters, don't be surprised. Just be kicking yourself for not learning the secret interpretive dance. It could have been you!

Letting Go...

So I left work today with every intention of writing one of my scathingly brilliant monologues similar to the one praising the wonderfulness of my oh-so-FABULOUS stapler or my dream of meeting Mr. Sweaty Lawnmower Man, but I started getting all contemplative and philosophical with myself.

I usually dig through my journal before I write to give me a little inspiration or boost of imagination, and I came across a poem that I had totally forgotten about. Do you know that feeling that you sometimes get during the pastor's sermon on Sunday morning? ...the feeling that he has somehow been spying on you all week, and he's decided to revolve his entire sermon around your life? WTF?!? How the bleepin' heck did he know about THAT?!? That's kind of what this poem made me feel.

I think I stumbled across it at exactly the right time (for me, and for a few friends of mine who I know are going through some similar things). It's about letting go...

"Letting Go"

By: Anonymous

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring,

It means I can't do it for someone else...

To let go is not to cut myself off,

It is the realization that I can't control another...

To let go is not to enable,

but to allow learning from natural consequences...

To let go is to admit powerlessness,

which means that the outcome is not in my hands...

To let go is not to try to change or blame another,

I can only change myself...

To let go is not to care for,

but to care about...

To let go is not to fix,

but to be supportive...

To let go is not to judge,

but to allow another to be human...

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging outcomes,

but to allow others to affect their own outcomes...

To let go is not to be protective,

It is to permit another to face reality...

To let go is not to deny,

but to accept...

To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,

but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them...

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,

but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment...

To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,

but to try to become what I dream I can be...

To let go is not to regret the past,

but to grow and live for the future...

To let go is to fear less, and love more.

I have struggled with "letting go" practically my entire life. I've always found it difficult to let go of resentment and anger (that's an entirely different post). I've never been able to let go of control over most situations without having a major panic attack. I've found it nearly impossible to let go of my own dreams for other people. I tend to cling to one-sided friendships in the hopes that maybe they'll come around one day and realize that I'm a pretty great person to have around. One of the hardest things I've found to let go of has been my definition of a fulfilled, happy, secure life and a "better" me.

Up until very recently, I've always had this checklist that defined what a "happy" life would be. Some of the list was influenced by what everyone else thinks I need to be happy, but most of it was my idealistic views of what life should be. "A person will be happy if they have a loving spouse, a handful of children, a close extended family who enjoys spending time with everyone, friends who care about me as much as I care about them, a couple of pets, an emotionally fulfilling job, a nice house in the suburbs, little to no debt, a knock-out bod," blah, blah, blah... I've spent so much time thinking about all of the things on my "List of Ideals" that I don't have, that I've lost sight of what I do have. So this poem came at exactly the right time for me.

This year has been a year of awakening, transition, and hopefully a new me. So my "List of Ideals" isn't entirely checked off. I plan on amending my list to include only the great things that I do have in my life. So I don't have a husband! Big deal! I'd make a better mother than I would a wife anyway! I'll just adopt a truckload of kids, load them all up in my used car along with my chunky-monkey self, and drive them over for Sunday dinner to my parents' house where they can play with their awesome cousins and get spoiled rotten by Nana, Papa, Aunt Christy, and Uncle Chris. I might even have their honorary Aunties come and spoil them too! (Actually, I think Christy and I'll let the kids stay at my parents' house and all of the Aunties and I can go have Girls' Night.)

So I'm learning. I'm learning what it means to let go of what I don't need in my life... and I'm learning what it means to be happy with what I have when I have it.

Source

Getting "Google-y"

So I was bored and decided to do that Google search thing that everyone is doing with "Tammy likes to." I can tell you that now is NOT a good time to be named "Tammy" because "Tammy" apparently likes to do quite a lot of things... NONE of which are appropriate for posting on the Internet.  I would never be able to foster again!

I quickly switched to "Tammy needs..." This was a bit better...


1. Tammy needs "your prayers and good wishes." - Always! Who doesn't need that?

2. Tammy needs "a baby." - CREEPY!!! How did Google know THAT?!?

3. Tammy needs "constant care." - Hee-hee... You're not kidding! :-)

4. Tammy needs "a bib." - Well, a bib would have come in handy before my breast reduction, that's for sure! I never did understand the point of putting a napkin in your LAP when the food never made it that far in the first place.

5. Tammy needs "clear behavior guidelines." - I think I'm fairly well-behaved, thank you!

6. Tammy needs "to think before she talks." - I would have to agree with this one. I sometimes seem to be missing that switch that prevents me from saying EXACTLY what's on my mind.

7. Tammy needs "to seek psychological treatment." - Been there, done that. I would have to agree.

8. Tammy needs "a good, but reasonably priced accountant." - Well, I guess it couldn't hurt.

9. Tammy needs "minimal correction when on a leash." - I really don't know what to say about this one.

10.  Tammy needs "to go to Vegas." - Whoa...  They're GOOD!!!

11.  Tammy needs "to vent about it somewhere." - That is why I have this blog!  :-)

12.  Tammy needs " a blog AND a TV show!" - Well, now we're talkin'!  I am pretty awesome. :-)

13.  Tammy needs "support, as she has some mental problems." - Don't make me go all "Bipolar Girl" on your butt!

14.  Tammy needs "some love." - Why yes...  Yes I do!

15.  Tammy needs "a mute button." - WTF?!?  WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO SAY?!?  "A MUTE BUTTON!"  WHATEVER!!!  THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.  I THINK I'M OFFENDED.  NO.  I AM OFFENDED!  I SHOULD SUE!  "MUTE BUTTON..." 

16.  Tammy needs "to know that the answer is inside herself." - Wow...  Now that's deep.

17.  Tammy needs "a serious tan." - You're not kidding!  Albino white girl here, blinding poor, unsuspecting souls when I step into the sun...

18.  Tammy needs "to talk about it before she forgets her brilliant observations." - That is precisely why I have this blog!  One must never forget the importance of Toilet Paper Etiquette or the dangers of paper products.  And I just HAD to share my insights on how to get ahead at work.  I'm onto them, I tell you!

19.  Tammy needs "to be lifted by eight firemen." - Ohhhh, yeah!!!  I love me some firemen!!!  I firmly believe firemen are the sexiest men on the planet.  :-)

20. Tammy needs "to ask herself, 'What would Jesus do.'" - I'm not sure I can top this one, so I think I'll just stop here.

So what does Mr. Google say that you need?