Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Mixed Emotions

Court is tomorrow, and my emotions are pretty much all over the place.  That's certainly not unusual in Foster/Adopt Land, but Monkey's case has been so different from my others that the mixed emotions seem even more amplified this time.

I'm happy for Monkey and his dad.  His dad has worked so hard and has been through a lot in order to bring Monkey home.  He's missed out on so much during this first year of his son's life, so I'm glad he's going to be able to be there from here on out.  Monkey's father loves him so much, and I know how difficult this past year has been for him.  I'm genuinely happy that he has been able to work out the things that he needed to work out in order to be the best father that he can be for Monkey.

I'm sad that my role in Monkey's life is going to change.  Going from being the one making the parenting decisions to being the babysitter is definitely going to take some getting used to.  I've been "Mama" for nearly a year.  Trying to force myself into another role when my heart still says, "I am Mama" is definitely not easy.

While I'm sad about losing Monkey as my son, I'm thrilled silly that I am still going to be a significant part of his life (at least for the foreseeable future).  He'll be back in my arms every Sunday night, and I can continue to love him and watch him grow up. 

Throw in a lot of frustration with Monkey's mom and disappointment that she hasn't been able to step up and do what she needs to do in order to be a positive influence in Monkey's life right now and that might sum up the mixture of emotions running around in my head right now.  It's hard because I have so much compassion for her.  I like her.  But I am having a hard time maintaining that compassion when I would throw myself in front of a train for her son, and she is "too emotional" to even visit him regularly.

Actually, add in a bit of apprehension as well.  After what happened with this exact court date with Booger Bear (the one where his caseworker had told me for weeks that they were getting an extension so we could start transitioning him, and then told me literally 60 seconds before walking into the courtroom that they were moving him to his dad's that day and that he just wasn't coming back home.  As in the last time I would see him was when I had dropped him off at daycare that morning.), I am understandably skeptical when it comes to these hearings.  Anything can happen.  While I am fairly confident we know how this is going to turn out, there's always that part of me that think the system is going to screw me over (pardon my language).  I am, after all, just the foster mom.

But I have to admit, all of the "less than positive" emotions seem to be far overshadowed by the good ones this time around.  :-)  I love seeing foster care work!  I love seeing parents step up and truly make positive changes for the good of their children.  I love being a part of helping families who deserve it stay together.  Foster care is hard, and it is far from perfect.  But it can work.  And it's cases like Monkey's that give me the strength to continue on for the next little one and their family who needs me.


Andrea said...

I hope it all goes well and smoothly. Our M is supposed to be placed on Thursday, I really hope this date works, there have many false alarms. I hope they stick to their word of letting us see him occasionally. I'm so happy you get Monkey. I know transferring out of mama will be hard, I feel that way too. Good luck!

Diane said...

I'll be thinking about you and Monkey. Hope all goes well tomorrow!

MamaFoster said...

I am so glad u have a good relationship with him, but it is still so hard. You are doing such a good job.

Carrie said...

Thinking of you today. Praying all goes smoothly. I know it will still be hard even knowing that he is coming back.

Debbie said...

Love hearing the good stories! So glad this is working out for the best for Monkey.
I don't think I'll ever be able to understand the "reasons" that visits don't happen.

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