Friday, April 13, 2012
I've Got the Shakes
I still haven't told my agency that I'm willing to take a new placement yet. I'd like to be able to get into a bigger home so Monkey and the new little one (or big one(s)) will each have their own rooms. The arrangement with Monkey and his dad is working out beautifully, so I definitely don't want to give that up. But there's the whole, "I'm a foster parent. There are other kiddos out there who really, really need someone like me to be there for them when their own parents can't be" thing. I meet kids who I immediately want to take home with me and give them the kind of structure, consistency, love, and attention that they are so desperately needing. I think of Little Miss and how badly she needed me, and it just kills me to think that there is another little one out there who is struggling.
When I look at Booger Bear and Monkey, I see that as flawed as the system is, foster care can work. When I think of Little Miss and the huge strides she made in the little time that she was with me, I know that what I am doing for these kids matters. It's important. And as much as I miss being a Mama to my kiddos when they leave me, I know that I've done everything that I can to make their lives a little bit easier while everything else seems to be crumbling around them.
Now that Monkey is home with his daddy and is doing great in a good, loving situation, I really don't know what to do. I think because I've only parented children from hard places, I'm not really sure how to parent any other way! I've always had to advocate and fight for them every step of the way. It's a very foreign feeling to not have to do that. I feel like I should be doing something, but there's really nothing for me to do other than love on Monkey four days a week and spend time with the "Saturday Crew" as often as possible.
I definitely see myself moving into a bigger place sooner than I'd anticipated though. I've got the "MUST HELP MORE CHILDREN" shakes, and I fear the only cure is to once again take the crazy roller coaster ride of emotions that is "foster care."