Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Run, Chunky Monkey, Run!!!

My best friend (bless her heart) mentioned the other day that she was "thinking about doing a 5K." I give her props. That is indeed quite an undertaking. I've thought many-a-time about doing a 5K. Although, I must admit, I usually wake up screaming from what would clearly be classified as a night terror by any self-respecting psychiatrist. Who in their right mind would willingly do something like that?!? Personally, I would much prefer to sit on my couch, eating Frito pie, and cheer on the contestants of The Biggest Loser as they flop themselves around the track. Run, Chunky Monkey!!! Run like the wind!!! You go, girl!!!

Katie then goes on to say, "I think it would be a good and fun way to get back into shape." WTF?!? HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?!? And what do you mean by "back into shape?" Are you insinuating that my Santa Claus belly isn't sexy as all heck as it jiggles like a bowlful of jelly? I might just be offended by that! I usually revel in fact that I would be the "skinny chick" on The Biggest Loser. (I won't mention that I usually stop watching the show around week 8 when those fat chicks start weighing less than me.)

Then Katie adds, "There are some that are the 'fun runs'." There are so many things wrong with that particular statement, I don't even know where to begin. Let me start by saying, "just because it rhymes, doesn't mean it's a legitimate phrase." I have never let loose of a "smart fart" or seen a "turtle girdle." I've never heard a "whiny hiney" or participated in a "skunk dunk." Rhyming, yes... Legitimate things or events, I think not. In my mind, "fun" and "run" are two words that should never be combined. The thought of running sends me into full-blown anxiety attacks. No chunky girl likes to have her "fluff" flopping around as the earth trembles beneath her feet as she attempts to quickly launch her body forward! The only time I've run since junior high was when I joined the gym a couple of years ago and Skinny Bitch made me. And believe me... There was nothing "fun" about it. I thought I was going to die. I think this whole "fun run" thing is just an evil ploy to get us to pay money for a worthy cause. Can't I just donate some money and not run? Then we could all be happy!

Just when I thought all hope was lost when it came to my BFF's sanity, she says, "and I can take a stroller to those." THANK YOU, LORD!!! She hasn't lost her mind after all! Now we're talking! I'm all about riding in the stroller! I said as much... and darned if Katie didn't yell at me on Facebook! Apparently the stroller is for the baby. Go figure!

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Vypergirl said...

LOL That was great! For the baby, ha ha ha!!!

onemorebaby said...

You absolutely *CRACK* me up! Thanks for the laughs! From... another soon-to-be-foster-mom. (This weekend?) Hugs, onemorebaby

Amy said...

Ok so I've been meaning to read your blog for a while now and I finally read this post. You are probably the best (and funniest) writer I have ever read. You seriously need to change careers and start writing your own column in the paper or something. Brilliant!

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