Monday, April 19, 2010

Will It Ever End?

I had a dream about the Booger this morning right before my alarm went off.  I woke up in tears, and just wanted to go back to sleep so I could hold him again.  Is this ever going to get any easier?!?  I'll go for days and be okay...  and just when I think I'm doing better, something happens (I dream about him, I see his favorite episode of Barney on the DVR because I can't bring myself to delete it, someone asks if I've heard how he's doing, etc.) and I lose it again.  I want to yell at people that "No, I HAVEN'T heard how he is!  I'm NEVER going to know how he is again!" Most parents who get their kids back from foster care just want to forget it ever happened.  Despite what they may tell you about staying in contact, it's not going to happen.  I'm trying to accept that, and to accept that I'm never going to see J again.

I'm still FURIOUS at CPS and at the way the entire transition happened.  I hate that I went into court that day thinking that they were getting an extension and that I had three more months with him.  I LEFT court hearing that his daddy was getting custody THAT DAY, and that they just weren't going to bring J home.  The last time I would ever get to see him was that morning when I dropped him off at daycare. 

The ONLY person who so much as LOOKED at me at the courthouse was my own caseworker from my agency.  I give her props.  She was AWESOME.  She was under the impression that we were getting an extension as well, so she was just as floored as I was.  She sat with me as I cried.  She even called me a couple of times over the next week just to see how I was doing.  Poor thing.  It was only the second time we'd ever met because she had just recently taken over my case, and she had to be there with me when I lost my little boy.  (Yes, my little boy!  I was the only parent that he'd ever really had up to that point, and as far as I'm concerned, he will always be my little boy.  Just like any other children who come into my care will always be my kids...)

Just a word of warning to all of you potential foster parents out there.  You are nothing more than the hired help.  You don't get an opinion on what happens with the children in your care (if you express one, you get "fired" quickly).  And when your services are no longer needed, they just take your kids away and you won't get so much as a "thank you" from anyone.  Yes.  I am still angry and bitter. 

I'm just having a "FOSTER CARE SUCKS" day.  But at the same time, I'm anxiously awaiting my next placement call.  I'm a masochistic little thing, I guess.  My thought is that it will get easier with each placement because I won't have such high expectations of the system.  I suppose that's a rather negative approach on the whole thing, but I think it will work.  I'll just love on these kids for as long as they'll let me, and hope that they'll take that with them when they leave.

*** OMG! I just realized I've been blogging A LOT lately!  Sorry this one is such a downer.  :(  The next one will be better.  I promise.


Leah W said...

I am so horrified to hear that happened, i still have my first two placements. one could be going back to bio mom on May 19th and the other is about to transition into his adoptive home in may as well, i am happy for my little one that is getting adopted by so sad for my one that is going back to bio mom, i want her to stay so much. she FEELS like mine. how can she not be? i have had her for a year.

i will keep an eye on your blog, you sound like a foster mom after my own heart.

Misti Ashmall said...

Tammy, I lnow that it is difficult to lose your kids. I too fostered though it was a family placement and when they went back to mom it mearly killed me. If you ever need to talk I'll be here. BTW not sure it will get easier cause if you love with your whole heart it breaks a little to lose them. In the end you have to remember the difference you are making, they may not remember it but it will make a difference.

Lori Charlton said...

It's not a downer - it's how you feel about the whole thing - that's what blogging is for. Hugs to you and I do hope that you can pick up your relationships with your kids again. Miss you bunches and hope to see you next month!!

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