Decisions...

It's been more than two months since the Booger Bear went to live with his dad, and still no placement.  That's a long time to sit in an empty house, staring at an empty crib.  And a long time to start wondering whether or not I want to keep doing this.

There has been a lot going on with CPS and my agency lately.  Lots of Angel and her foster mama drama that has gotten ridiculously out of hand and is seriously making me question whether or not I had any impact on Angel what-so-ever during the 7 months that she was with me.  It also has me questioning whether or not I want to keep allowing CPS to control every aspect of my life right now. 

I'm starting to think that part of the reason it's taking so long to get another placement is that they now think that I'm a "problem" parent.  I've learned the hard way that foster parents should be seen and not heard.  Well, that is just not in my nature.  I'm going to speak my mind and tell them what I think seeing as how I know the children in my care a heck of a lot better than they do!  And in this particular instance, I was proven right.  Part of me is devastated because it means a long, hard road ahead for Angel and other innocent people involved.  But then part of me wants to gloat and say, "I told you so" to the adults who should have been paying freaking attention!

I suppose when it comes down to it, I have two options:

1.  Relinquish my license now before I get a placement and give up fostering for the next year or so until things calm down.  Go on all of my out-of-state trips that I have planned and not have to worry about finding respite care, CPS, my agency, training classes, and the drama being stirred up by the Golden One and her posse.  Start socking away the money to either pay for a private adoption or try IVF using a surrogate (more on all of that in a later post).  Re-evaluate in a year and start over (with a different agency this time) if I decide I want to start fostering again.  I know that I want to keep doing foster care at some point.  But I really want to be a mom to a child who I know won't be taken away at any given moment.  It's hard living every day wondering if today is the day that they are sending the child that you love away.  I know it won't make losing the kiddos any easier, but at least I wouldn't have to come home to a silent house after they leave.

2. Keep fostering, try to find respite care for the kiddo(s) when I go on all of my trips, put up with CPS and all of their restrictions, put up with my agency and their constant meddling, and go to the meeting that they want to have where the Golden One and Her Band of Merry Men want to gang up on me and make me look and feel like a criminal because Angel still calls me when she's having a hard time.  I know how The Great Ambush is going to go.  I will either start bawling uncontrollably because I tend to do that when I'm really stressed out, or I will get so pissed off that I will tear into them with such a vengeance that they will take my license away and I won't ever be able to foster again.

I'm leaning towards Option #1 right now, but I also know that if they do happen to call me with a placement before The Great Ambush, I'd say yes.  I'm just torn right now between wanting to help the kids who need me and just wanting my life back in my own hands.

Sorry for being so vague in this post.  There's only so much that I can say in a public forum (another "darn that CPS" moment).  I'm thinking about starting a private blog where I can vent to my heart's content and say what I'm REALLY thinking, go into better detail of what's happening, post good photos of the kids, etc.  It might also be helpful for my own sanity (and to have the detailed backup if I need it for future lawsuits. :-)