Monday, May 31, 2010

Was That REALLY the Best They Could Do?!?

I was a little behind, but I finally watched the season opener of "The Bachelorette" a few days ago, and Oh. My. Gosh.  Was that really the best they could do?!?  I had it saved on the DVR, so I sat down to watch it and after they introduced Bachelor #3, I just had to rewind and start over...  This time with a notebook and pen in hand so I could take notes and blog about the prime choice of men they had chosen for poor, unsuspecting Ali.

Bachelor #1 (Frank) - The introductions opened with a man in a nice suit standing in front of a gorgeous high rise in downtown Chicago.  He was kind of cute in a geeky sort of way...  And then he spoke.  "I used to work here!"  ("Used to???"  What does that mean?)  He then goes on to announce, "I quit my job and moved back in with my parents to pursue my dream of becoming a screenwriter."  (Lovely)  He told Ali that he quit his job and moved to Paris.  (He was there for 5 weeks.  I don't consider that "moving" to Paris.  That's an extended vacation, honey.)  He has yet to tell her that he lives with his Mommy and Daddy.

Bachelor #2 - Poor Bachelor #2 was not attractive, but he was a lawyer. (I guess that's promising.)  He works at his Daddy's law firm.  (OMG!  Seriously?  You can't get a job on your own?!?  NEXT!)

Bachelor #3 - His opening scene was him trying to pick up two woman using cheesy pick-up lines at a bar.  (Seriously?  Correct me if I'm wrong, but are you or are you not going on a show in order to meet your future wife?  Do you really think that picking up strange women in a bar is going to win her affection?  Your light doesn't burn too brightly, does it?)  He then goes on to announce to the viewing audience that he "doesn't have any trouble with the ladies."

Bachelor #4 - The "Outdoorsman..."  He wants to take Ali on a romantic ice fishing date!  He then proceeds to show off his taxidermied collection of his "kill' over the years.  "I killed elk.  I killed deer.  I killed turkeys.  I killed a cougar."  (Wow.  Dead things.  Sexy.)  "And I'm not scared of any of those other guys...  Cause I killed me a bear!"  (Sweetie, unless you killed that bear with your bare hands in self defense, I am not impressed.  Standing 100 yards away and shooting an unsuspecting animal with a shotgun doesn't exactly do it for me.)

Bachelor #5 (Justin) - (Well, helloooo, Justin!  You're cute!)  He then body slams a guy and announces his "occupation."  He is an "entertainment wrestler" whose goes by the alias of "Rated R."  (Seriously.  I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.)

They go on to introduce a total of only nine out of the twenty-five bachelors.  A couple of them seemed promising, but for the most part I was worried.  Why did they only introduce nine of these guys?  Were these the pick of the litter?!?  Poor Ali quit her job and gave up her apartment for these guys!!!

As the evening started and Ali began greeting the men as they exited the limos, even more winners appeared.  You have the guy who exited through the sunroof and jumped off of the car...  You have the guy who exited the sunroof and did a back flip off of the car!  And then the cocktail party began and we get to meet even more of the eligible bachelors.

Goofy Weatherman - I know I should be rooting for this guy because he is from my home state.  Texas Pride and all that...  But after only two episodes, this poor guy has proven to be a total dweeb who Ali is most likely going to have to physically protect from this guy...

Psycho "Looking for a Fist Fight" Guy - That pretty much sums it up.  The men in the house have already had to separate this guy from others in the house.  He's a big bully who only picks on the little guys.

Ukulele Man - Yep...  This guy pulled out a ukulele (because, doesn't everyone bring a ukulele to a cocktail party?) and serenaded Ali with a little ditty that he wrote all by his very own self.  The poor guy couldn't carry a tune in a bucket, but parts of the song were funny.  The most ironic part of the ukulele episode was when "Back Flip Off the Limo" Guy admonished Ukulele Man for being "way too obvious" in his cry for Ali's affection.  (Yuh-huh...  Because back flipping off of a limo was in no way a desperate plea for attention.  No sir!  Not one bit!  Oy.)

"Ali Needs a Raincoat" Guy - He seems nice enough, but he talks 100 miles an hour and slurs his words so badly that he spits when he talks.  Poor Ali needs to wear water repellent gear just to carry on a conversation with this man!

But I think the real winner of the evening was "Shooter."  Within the first thirty seconds of his "alone time" with Ali, he proceeds to tell her the story of how he got his nickname.  What on earth would possess a man to go on national television and tell the woman that he is hoping to fall in love with and marry (along with the entire female population of the United States) that he got his nickname because he (to put it nicely) had no "staying power" when he was with a woman?!?  WTF?!?  Poor "Shooter..."  He didn't make it past Round One.  And now the poor guy is going to have to leave the country because if he ever dates again, it will be a miracle.

All hope for poor Ali seemed lost, but as the evening progressed, a few bachelors seemed promising.

Frank (Bachelor #1) - He was growing on me a little after last night's episode.  He seems like a nice enough guy.  I'm just not sure how much farther things will go with them when he finally does tell Ali that he lives with his parents.  At least he's not unemployed like I thought after the initial interview.  (Although I think saying that you are a "Manager at a Retail Store" might be a fancy way of saying "I work at Walmart."  :-)

Ty - He's a true Southern Boy who works in Medical Sales and lives in Tennessee.  He seems to have the "Southern Gentleman" thing going on and he can play guitar and sing.  That's always sexy.  He doesn't seem to be using the show to promote his singing career or anything like that one guy a couple seasons back.  He just seems like a genuinely nice guy.

Chris L. - I think he might be in my personal Top 2.  He taught high school Math for several years in New York City, but ended up moving back to Cape Cod to be near his mom and help take care of her when she got sick.  She ended up passing away, but he's stayed in his hometown to be close to his family.  He seems really solid and there for the right reasons.

But my absolutely #1 pick is...    Rrrrrrroberrrrrrto!  (You have to say it with the rolling "R's" or it just doesn't do this guy justice!  He is beyond yummy!!!  I want to get me one of those!)  The first time you see this guy, he is shirtless and doing pushups.  He's got super sexy tattoos and a body that just won't quit!  I was really afraid that he was just going to be a gorgeous piece of man candy, but he actually seems like a really cool guy.  Not all egotistical like a lot of gorgeous men are... He just has that completely down to earth, calm but fun personality, and seems genuinely sincere about wanting to get to know Ali and seeing where the whole process leads.

So, while I had some serious concerns for poor Ali's fate in the beginning, all hope is not lost.  There are a few good ones in the mix.  As long as my Rrrrrrrroberrrrrto stays, I'll be watching.  The others can just provide some comic relief along the way...


Leah W said...

bah ha ha I thought the same thing, "is this the best they could do?"

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the rundown Tammy!! I haven't watched the whole thing but this is a great and hilarious summary! Poor Shooter, seriously, what an idiot.. Ali should have stayed in SF!

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