Patience is a Virtue...

...and I don't have it!

I had forgotten how frustrating the waiting can be...  Especially when you're waiting for something good... 

It's been three weeks since the Booger Bear went to live with his dad, and I'm already slipping back into "Single Cat Lady" mode.  It's not all bad.  I can totally get used to staying up super late, sleeping in til 10:30 on the weekends, taking three hour naps...  I've managed to get caught up on a year's worth of TV and movies that I'd saved to the DVR.  (Poor DVR.  I'm surprised it hasn't exploded!)  I was even able to go CLOTHES SHOPPING for myself for the first time in almost a year!  (My bottom thanks me, as the old, holy underwear have been retired.)

The cat is thrilled silly to get his mama all to himself again.  He's driving me bonkers though because he's on me ALL THE TIME!  "Mama!  Mama!  Mama!  MAMA!  MAMA!"  I guess he's just doing his part to keep me on my toes and prepped for the next baby who comes my way.  I still break out the bubbles every once in a while because the cat likes to play with them even more than the Booger did!  :-)

The only problem with Single Cat Lady mode is that it can become quickly addicting.  I'm trying really, really hard to stay on "baby time" so it's not too big of a shock to the system when I get a new placement.  But at the same time, I do soooo love those three hour naps!  I miss the Booger like crazy though and really miss having a little one in the house.  It's too quiet and lonely without little smiles and hugs.  I even miss the noisy toys and J's possessed Elmo doll that talked on its own even when it was turned off!

So I wait...  and wait...  and wait...  and wait!  It usually takes longer for me to get a placement because I'm a single, working mom.  Ultimately, it's up to the child's caseworker as to where he/she ends up, so it's a gamble.  Some have preferences to stay-at-home moms...  Others don't care.  I swear, my heart stops every time I see my caseworker's name pop up on the caller ID though!  It will happen eventually.  I just don't like waiting.  Patience is a virtue and all, but I don't have it!  ...especially when I'm waiting for something good.

I'm Such a Follower

Ok, so that's kind of the furthest thing from the truth. I tend to the be the one with the scathingly brilliant ideas, dragging other unsuspecting souls down with me as I act out my crazy plans. Granted, my leadership abilities might stem from the Bipolar Girl in me, but who doesn't like a happy manic?!? Anyway... I digress...

I do things MY way. I don't feel the need to be a part of the masses or do things just because "everyone is doing it." So imagine my disappointment in myself when I somehow allowed my BFF Katie to sucker me into rejoining the evil cult called Weight Watchers at Work. I don't like her very much right now. She didn't really "convince" me so much as use emotional blackmail. She's my lunch buddy. We used to go out to eat every day! And she won't go out to eat with me since she and Sasha rejoined Fat Class two weeks ago!

I don't understand it! These were MY GIRLS!!! The ones I could always count on to order an appetizer AND dessert with me... The ones who weren't afraid to admit they loved food, and who ate like REAL women... Why on earth would they go and willingly enter the world of counting points and public humiliation weigh-ins? Why would they go and guilt me into joining them?!? Some friends they are!



I suppose if I'm being honest with myself, I can admit it. I'm fat (a fact that was confirmed in Fat Class today as I weighed in for the first time). Pleasantly plump, full-figured, fluffy, big-boned... Whatever you want to call it. That's me. And in all fairness, I'm going on a Caribbean cruise in November. And no one wants to see all of THIS in a bathing suit... I'm only thinking of others.

Now that I think about it, I think that was another of Katie's emotional blackmail techniques. She's smart, that one! She's most likely going on that cruise with me (Stressed-Out Moms UNITE!), and if she's all losing weight and getting all model-y by November, I sure as heck don't want to be wearing a mumu when she's in a swimsuit on the white sandy beaches of Cozumel!

I can't really exercise because my leg's still broken (a whole other post in itself). But let's be honest... I wouldn't be exercising anyway (hence the extreme chunky monkeyness and the need to join Fat Class in the first place). The only part I like about going to the gym is gossiping in the sauna! Since I can't get my gossip on in the gym, and my girls won't go out to eat with me anymore, I am forced to join the evil cult known as Weight Watchers at Work. Fat Class it is!

Hi... My name is Mimi, and I have been suckered into admitting that I am fat.

Grief

Everyone handles grief in their own way. I've just discovered that MY way of handling it seems to be to rearrange, redecorate, and clean. The "cleaning" part of that statement surprises me because I never clean. My house is decent and clean on the surface, but when it comes to the deep cleaning stuff... I wait for the Magical Cleaning Genie to show up (thanks, Mom! :-).

Before yesterday's madness, CPS had told me that they were getting an extension and that Booger would be with me for another few months. I had just taken him shopping and let him pick out new linens and stuff for his bedroom and bathroom. I hadn't had a chance to set anything up yet though. So today, I'm starting to set up the nursery in the stuff that the Booger Bear hand-picked. Now, the next baby who comes to my door will have their very own room decorated by their predecessor.

I talked to (well, texted with) the Booger's daddy this morning, and they had a hard night last night. They weren't able to get him down until after 1:00, and he ended up having to sleep in bed with his dad. I told him that was to be expected. Booger's stress hits him at night, so he should probably get used to that sleeping arrangement until he adjusts. His dad really wants to make this as easy on him as possible, so he's been asking me all sorts of questions about what he normally does, likes to eat, etc. He's never had him longer than 9 hours, so this is definitely going to be an eye-opener for him. I don't know if he realizes just how hard it is to be a single parent, but I know he has a lot of help. It's also abundantly clear how much he loves J, so I'm not as worried about him as I might be under other circumstances. I'm really, really glad that he's asking me for advice though. It will make the transition a lot easier on Booger to try to keep things as "normal" as possible.

In the meantime, I'm having a Girls' Night (well, afternoon probably) on Saturday! The first one I've been able to go to in a year!!! Then, we're coming back to my place and painting my upstairs bedroom so I can get my old room back. I have an appointment with the leg/ankle doctor tomorrow morning and I should (hopefully) be free and clear of the fracture boot too!

I'm sure it will take some time before I get my next placement. It's hard to find no medical needs infants for single, working parents so I will likely have a couple of months to enjoy being "Single Lady with a Cat" again. I'm going to catch up on my sleep, catch up on my TV shows, and catch up on my GIRL TIME! It's hard having a social life when you don't have a husband to leave the kids with!

Please keep praying for us... That the Booger adjusts quickly and well... and that I heal from the hurt soon so I can help another baby who needs me just as much as J did when he first came to my door. Thank you for all of your support!

So That's That...

The Booger Bear's gone. After 10 months with me, the court sent him to live with his daddy (effective immediately). No overnight visits or building up to the transition... Just took him out of the only home he's ever known and said, "good luck!" I haven't even been able to see him or say goodbye. Today was his dad's visitation day anyway, so he wasn't going to be home until 8:00. After the ruling, they decided just to leave him there. If I had known that this morning was going to be the last time I ever saw him, I would have taken the day off...  Made it special...  Said goodbye...

They came by to pick up some of his important "bedtime" things, but didn't bring J inside. I suppose it was just as well because I knew I couldn't look at him without completely breaking down. I wouldn't want to scare him any more than he is already going to be when he realizes he isn't coming back to the only home he's ever had and the only full-time parent he's ever known. Hopefully I'll be able to see him this weekend without breaking into a million pieces. His dad keeps saying over and over that he wants J to still be able to see me. He knows how hard it's going to be on him. I just pray he means it.

I'll be writing a lot more later. I just wanted to ask everyone to pray that J isn't too scared or confused, and that he will be okay without me. Please pray that my arms don't feel this empty forever, and that my heart can be mended enough to help some other baby who needs me...

I Just Can't Take Him Anywhere!

When the Booger Bear was younger, he would say "hi" to everyone we passed in the grocery store aisles. He would smile, wave, flirt... Pretty much win the hearts of everyone we ran into... That was cute. Everyone smiled and it turned into a game when he would say "hi" to the same person in each of the 20 rows of the grocery store.

Now that he's older, and is considerably louder more vocal than he used to be, it's become slightly embarrassing being seen with the Booger in public. It started around 12 months old, when he developed a strange obsession for bananas. We couldn't go into the produce section of the store without him shouting, "NANAS!!! NANAS!!!" I would whisper, "Yes, baby. We're getting bananas." He would continue to shout until I physically picked up the bananas, and I let him HOLD the bananas the rest of the shopping trip. Then, he would go into a full-blown panic when it came time to pay. I would assure him that he would get the bananas back, and I would have to let him hand the "nanas" to the cashier (who also had to reassure him that she wasn't stealing his bananas). He would eye her suspiciously until she bagged them and handed them back.

If only it had stopped there...

I realized around 14 months old that Booger's vocabulary was much, much different than the other children when we were passing through the lingerie section in Target. The Booger started pointing and shouting, "RA!!! RA!!!" (OMG! Is it possible to pretend like I don't know this baby?) I tried to ignore him, thinking he would stop. But when I failed to acknowledge his excited exclamations, he started pulling on my arm, pointing at the bras, and shouting, "Mimi!!! RA!!! RA, Mimi!!!" I lean down and whisper, "Yes, baby. You're right. Those are bras." I tried to ignore the stares and not-so-muffled chuckling of the other Target patrons, but that's rather difficult to do when your child is engaging them in conversation by smiling, saying "hi," then pointing to the bras, and shouting, "RA!!!" Seriously. Shoot me now. CPS is SOOOO going to take my license away.

Booger has also decided in the past couple of months that every young man is "Daddy," and every older man is "Papa." Want to get a good laugh? Just take a toddler in public and watch the young men squirm and panic as he points at them and shouts at the top of his lungs, "DADDY!!!" Hee-hee... :-) I'm holding off on telling my brother-in-law that Booger calls him "Papa" when he talks about him though. Three months younger than me, and he never lets me forget it... So I'm waiting until next month on his 35th birthday to tell him that the Booger thinks he's too old to be his daddy. I'm so mean. :-)

I took the Booger shopping the weekend before I broke my leg, and swore I would NEVER take him in public again. He pulled every last obnoxious toddler trick in the book... Standing up in the cart... Screaming temper tantrums when I wouldn't let him hold breakable items... Slapping me when I told him to stop... I realized that I had become one of those parents that everyone stares at in disgust because I didn't abandon my shopping cart immediately and remove the screamer from the store. I also (finally) understood why parents don't immediately leave. I just wanted to get every last possible item that I could potentially need for the next year just so I would never have to take the Little Toot in public again!

Fortunately (I guess), I broke my leg the next week, and the Booger went two entire months without shopping because my mom did almost all of it while I was wheelchair-bound. I got brave and ventured out with the Booger for the first time last weekend, and it went surprisingly well. I think it had been so long since he'd been shopping that it had become something new and exciting again. I thought I was in the clear! ...and then we got to the checkout line and he spotted the janitorial cleaning cart... Booger loves to clean. He is obsessed with cleaning (seriously OCD baby here, I'm telling you). The old Booger came back with a vengeance as he began shouting and crying, "ROOM! ROOM! PLAY ROOM! WEEP!" (Broom, broom, play broom. Sweep.)

I think it might be a while before we go back to Target. I don't think they like us there anymore. :-(

Where's the Genie?!?

Only one more week, and I should be fracture boot-free!!! However, now that I've been able to do more and more on my own, and my mom has moved back home, I've come to the realization that I've become slightly spoiled.

When I first decided to do foster care, I went into it as a single, working mom. I adjusted really well, and was totally used to doing everything completely on my own. I never knew anything different! After I fell and broke my leg, my mom moved in to help take care of me and the Booger Bear. ...and I got spoiled.

I realized that last night when I opened the cabinet to get a sippy cup, and there weren't any in there! "But there are always clean sippy cups! How did this happen?!?" :-( I hand-washed a cup, opened the fridge to pour J some juice... AND THERE WAS NO MORE JUICE!!! WTF?!? Then, this morning after I had changed J's diaper and went to throw it in the Diaper Genie... "WHERE THE HECK DID THAT DAMN GENIE GO?!?" It was completely overflowing!!!

I don't understand. Things were going SO WELL! Seriously! My ceiling fan blades even got a dusting when my mom was with me! The dishes were done, the trash was taken out, the bathrooms were clean, the catbox was clean, the windows were cleaned for crying out loud! There was this magical house-cleaning genie who moved in around the same time that my mom came to help me with the baby, but I think she moved out when my mom left. :-(

I am sad now, and I've decided that I rather liked having a two-parent household. I guess that means I'm going to have to break down and start actively looking for a husband. Only somehow, I don't think a husband could take the place of my magical house-cleaning genie. :-)

Prayer Request

The big court date is in one week, and it's going to be a doozy with the Booger Bear stuck in the middle of what seems like a huge custody battle. His caseworker tells me that, barring any unexpected surprises from the judge, J should be staying with me for at least a few more months as we transition him into his Daddy's care.

Selfishly, I want to pray that the judge say, "He is perfect where he is. Leave this baby alone." But I'm not going to do that. The goal of foster care is to reunite families if at all possible, and I knew that when I went into this, even though I really, REALLY want to be able to adopt this sweet little boy who's been with me almost a year. I wanted to foster infants because the first few years of a child's life are SO CRUCIAL when it comes to their ability to attach, trust, cope, etc. as an adult. I wanted to be able to give these babies what they needed in a time when their biological families just can't do it.  The Booger Bear has been with me most of his life, and in my heart, he's my son. And while I want nothing more than to have him with me permanently, I won't ask for that. Instead, I ask that you pray for the following:

Prayers for the Booger Bear - In the week leading up to the hearing and in the coming months, please pray that the judge, CPS, the attorneys, his biological family, myself, etc. come together to make the best decision possible for J. Please pray that when the time comes for him to leave the only home he's ever really known, that the transition be as easy on him as possible. Pray that his biological family continue to come together to make him feel as safe, comfortable, and as happy as he has been with me. Pray that he continues to be the happy, intelligent, loveable, well-adjusted little boy that he has turned out to be, and that he continues to thrive with his dad and his family if that is what the judge thinks is best. Please pray that J's mom get the help that she needs for herself in order to be a positive part of his life.

Prayers for Me - Please pray that I am able to accept whatever decision the judge makes, and that I can stay strong and encourging for the Booger when he leaves me. Please pray that I remember WHY I made the decision to foster infants, and that I have peace in knowing that I have been the best mom to J that I could possibly be in the year that he's been with me. Please pray that I have the strength to continue fostering. I know there are other babies out there who need the same kind of love, security, protection, and guidance from me that the Booger Bear needed when he first came to my door. The only difference is that J now has a biological family who can give him that to the best of their ability, and these other babies don't.

Prayers for My Family & Friends - Please pray that my mom, dad, sister, niece, nephew, extended family and close friends who have almost as much love invested in this sweet little boy as I do come to the same peace that I hope to gain for myself. Pray that they can open their hearts to any other babies who come into my life just as freely in the future as they did with J. In the end, whether the Booger Bear remains with me a while longer or goes to his biological family, he is who he is and the man he will become because they loved him too.

Please keep J and the rest of us in your prayers in the coming weeks and months. Thank you, everyone, for all of your support!