Thursday, November 20, 2003

Ode to My Reduction - Days One and Two


Fair warning for those of you who become easily embarrassed... Don't read this if you are going to be offended or completely mortified by the mere mentioning of bras and/or what is underneath them.This little piece was written several years ago during the weeks leading up to a particular surgery which freed my back and shoulders from unspeakable pain, but sadly, also resulted in the end of my free oil changes and tire rotations. Many thanks to Casey Palmer-Ryan, whose original take on the Hooter Fairy inspired me to tell my own... (I told you guys I've blogged about EVERYTHING! :-)

"Ode to My Reduction"
--- A Little Background ---

Since the beginning of time, the Good Witch of the Breast has visited adolescent females, granting each girl with the possibility of perfectly proportioned breasts. As girls grew into adulthood, they became more and more pleased with the Good Witch’s work… and all was well with the world.

As time passed and the population began to grow in staggering numbers, the Good Witch became greatly overworked. She decided the time had come to find herself an apprentice… someone who could split the workload and lessen the stress related to the ever-growing demand. So she put out an ad among the “magical, fairy-type people” to see who she could find to help her out. After reviewing many applicants, she decided to give the rather enthusiastic Hooter Fairy a chance.

Since girlhood, the Hooter Fairy’s life’s ambition was to work with the Good Witch. Her excitement at this new opportunity, however, became somewhat of a hindrance. The Hooter Fairy worked non-stop, day and night, night and day, visiting girl after girl. But in her haste to impress the Good Witch with her fast work, she lost track of whom she had visited. As girls grew into adulthood, many discovered to their dismay that their chests were completely out of proportion with the rest of their bodies. Some girls had no chests at all… Others had breasts the size of watermelons… The Hooter Fairy would visit some girls two or three times, while others she completely forgot!

Because her mistakes were not immediately apparent, the Good Witch of the Breast had no idea what was happening. By the time the Hooter Fairy’s mistakes became noticeable, the Good Witch had become too attached to the Hooter Fairy. So she decided to overlook the occasional mistakes, and allowed the Hooter Fairy to continue her apprenticeship.

Today, the Hooter Fairy and the Good Witch continue to visit young girls. And still today, the Hooter Fairy loses track of whom she has visited. Girls must now wait until adulthood to discover who has visited them… The Good Witch of the Breast… or The Hooter Fairy.

As a favorite client of the Hooter Fairy, I have found myself in the unenviable position of having breasts the size of honeydew melons. After much deliberation, I decided to take fate into my own hands and scheduled breast reduction surgery. My Good Witch will come to me in the form of my very own cosmetic surgeon. With my surgery only a few weeks away, I have decided to commemorate this glorious occasion in song. Enjoy!

The Twelve Days of Boob Job
(to be performed to the tune of “The 12 Days of Christmas”)

On the first day of Boob Job
the Good Witch gave to me……
a small pair of perky boobies!

On the second day of Boob Jobthe Good Witch gave to me……
Matching bras and panties …

(“What’s so great about matching bras and panties?” you might ask. Well, let me tell you… It is impossible to find sexy little bras in a 38DD. They come in white, black, and if you’re incredibly lucky, beige. I have taken to washing my white bras in loads of bright colors in a feeble attempt to obtain pink, baby blue, etc. As far as lace goes… soooo not going to happen. Lace is for dainty, little people. I have come to learn that a 38DD is not considered dainty. :-) A bra with a front clasp? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!! Too funny!!! That baby would pop open the second I got it closed. “Big-mama bras” hook in the back and have three hooks as opposed to the normal two. They also have shoulder straps a mile wide and enough underwire to create your own fencing. Ah… The joys of being able to purchase matching bra and panty sets… I can’t wait!!!)

And a small pair of perky boobies!

1 comment:

robyncalgary said...

How on earth does this post not have any comment love? Hilarious!

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