So why on earth am I completely freaking out now that there's a possibility that I might actually be able to adopt this baby girl?!? "Freaking out" like anxiety attack "freaking out..." This is what I've wanted my entire adult life! So why? Now that there is a little glimmer of a possibility... Why I am scared out of my ever-lovin' mind?!?
It's nowhere near a "sure thing," but still when I allow myself to sit and really think about it, my palms sweat, my heart races, I can't catch my breath, and I hit full-blown panic attack mode within 60 seconds! And I have absolutely no idea why!
Is it because of the "permanency" of the whole thing? I tend to freak out signing a 12-month lease or purchasing large appliances so making a lifetime commitment to an actual human being can certainly be scary. Is it the fact that I would ultimately be solely responsible for the emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being of this impressionable little girl? Gee! No pressure there!!! Is it the financial aspect? Kids are expensive, and trying to raise them on one income and be able to give them the things that I want for them isn't going to be easy.
I'm hopeful that this is a completely natural reaction. I suppose it might be similar to what it would be if I found out I was pregnant as a single mom. (Well, not exactly similar seeing as how I had a hysterectomy seven years ago. I have a feeling my reaction to that might be slightly different... like suing the poo out of my OBGYN for starters!) But the fears would be the same... I think all parents have some fears or concerns bringing a new child into their life. So I am going to choose to believe that my little hyperventilating panic attacks are simply "pregnancy" symptoms. That's reasonable! Right? Please tell me that I'm not the only person who has ever freaked out about possibly becoming a forever and ever and ever parent! Pretty please?